"It's not about being worried about it and making it a serious conversation, it's about being realistic in the world we live in nowadays."
Two client stories that stick with me on this. The first was a guy who was, no joke, literally a rockstar. Once he realized disclosure wasn't going to break him, the conversation actually became a filter. It separated the relationships that were never going to land from the ones that could. It opened him up to figuring out what he actually wanted from a connection, and unapologetically going for it. After our talks, he started disclosing casually, even with women he was considering a one-night stand with. He was blown away by how the conversation created real connection, even if only for one night. One of those women who was supposed to be a one-night stand turned out to be something more. Sometimes you let the cards fall where they will and follow the moment.
The second was a woman who realized, partly through this work, that she wasn't meant to be with just one person. She identified deeply as polyamorous. She was also blown away by how refreshing it was to talk openly with multiple men about the other men in her life. To be honest and shameless about everything: the herpes, the polyamory, her actual needs, her desire for real truth and honesty in relationship. She realized she could have it all. And that herpes was not the block that would disconnect her from what she really wanted in her life.
Disclosing, and the vulnerability that comes with it, doesn't have to be a huge deal. It's not reserved for people you're already hearing wedding bells with. A casual conversation is still a real conversation. It still means something.
If you want to actually trust the people you sleep with, it's worth having the real talk about risk and sexual histories before things start. Even with casual things. Especially with casual things. Honestly, it's a red flag if a grown adult isn't willing to have a safer-sex conversation before sex.
None of this is about making the moment heavy. It's about being realistic in the world we live in. Once everything's on the table, both people can do their own cost-benefit and decide if they want to move forward.
We tend to think of the disclosure talk as the opposite of casual. It doesn't have to be. The talk doesn't have to mean deep love. Doesn't have to mean commitment. If you want a low-pressure way to open the conversation, my free toolkit has example openers you can adapt in the moment.
And here's the silver lining nobody flags. If you're disclosing before sex, you're also not having sex before you trust someone. That's not a herpes problem. That's actually a feature.
Work through this one-on-one with a discovery coaching session.
Once you accept yourself, and accept that everyone has something they carry shame about, a "rejection" stops being a verdict on you. It just tells you the two of you aren't a good match. Wholeness is about owning everything about yourself as a complete package. Herpes and all.
“I truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. I REFUSE to view my diagnosis as a limiting factor to my dating. And because I don't believe it will impact my dating, it hasn't.”
In this related coaching session, we explore how self-awareness can fuel an upward spiral of curiosity and growth, even in casual encounters.
Choosing the upward spiral
Your next step
Wherever you are on your journey, there's something here for you.
