Should I disclose oral herpes before kissing?

This is a question brought up a lot on the Herpes Opportunity forums.

“Should I disclose that I get cold sores to potential partners before kissing them?”

Which way to go on this can be a confusing one, simply because it’s up to the individual on what feels right.

So let’s get into this question a bit deeper, shall we?

The reason this conversation is a bit hard to pin down is because when it comes to oral herpes (almost always HSV-1) specifically, 47% of Americans 14-49 years old have it. Now that’s about half the people in that age group, isn’t it?. So considering this statistic, who holds the responsibility of bringing up the topic? (In a perfect world, we all would be talking about every aspect of our sexual and intimate histories with each other before getting intimate at all, but that ain’t the world we live in.)

Here’s another way to think of this without herpes specifically as the topic … Here’s the scenario: Five out of 10 people in a room are sick with the flu virus. All 10 people know before walking into the room that half of the people in that room are sick with the flu. Which group should be covering their mouths? The 5 people who are sick or the 5 people who aren’t? You’ll find people to argue either point. What it comes down to is this: What does your integrity tell you to do considering the circumstances? Would you feel guilty if you kissed someone without telling them you are a carrier of oral herpes (cold sores)? (Of course it goes without saying that if you're having an actual active outbreak that you don't kiss people.)

The case for not disclosing cold sores before kissing

This is the camp that says you don't owe a disclosure for HSV-1, and there are real arguments here, not just laziness.

The personal angle. You'd have to disclose to literally everyone you ever kiss for the rest of your life. Including people who already have HSV-1 themselves, which is about half the people you might end up kissing in this country anyway. That's an absurd amount of friction for something most people grew up with.

The data angle. Roughly 48% of Americans ages 14 to 49 have HSV-1. Most of them got it as kids, from a relative or a friend, totally non-sexually. The transmission risk per individual kiss when there's no active sore is genuinely low. Asymptomatic oral shedding happens, but on any given day, most kisses just don't transmit anything.

The ethical angle. We don't expect the same disclosure for chickenpox, mono, the common cold, or any other transmissible thing humans pass to each other constantly. Singling out HSV-1 for a special disclosure ritual is itself a form of stigma. It's holding one common skin virus to a standard we don't apply to viruses that are functionally identical in their commonness.

The case for disclosing cold sores before kissing

And then there's the camp that says yes, have the conversation, even for cold sores. Also real arguments here.

The personal angle. Disclosing removes the guilt. You're not carrying a quiet "did I just expose them" question for the rest of the night. And the conversation itself, when it goes well, builds the kind of trust you actually want with a partner anyway. It models the kind of openness you'd want them to have with you.

The data angle. Per-kiss risk is low, but cumulative risk over a relationship is not nothing. Some people are HSV-1 negative and want to stay that way, often because they're aware that oral HSV-1 can transmit to a partner's genitals through oral sex (where it then sets up shop genitally). Giving them the heads up lets them make informed decisions about something that has downstream consequences for their own future relationships.

The ethical angle. Informed consent matters even for low-risk transmissible conditions. The argument "everyone has it anyway, so why bother telling" is, when you sit with it, a little paternalistic. It assumes you know what your partner would care about. They might be in the half that doesn't have HSV-1 and would rather know. Telling them gives them the dignity of the choice.

Where I land

For me, we just have the conversation, regardless of whether or not herpes is on the mouth or genitals. It’s still an opportunity to have an important conversation and care about someone else’s health. Imagine if before we even kissed, a nonchalant “Hey, just FYI I get cold sores (just like about half of everyone) and just wanted to let you know. Do you get cold sores?” Doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker-feeling conversation. No shame. No guilt. No weirdness. Just a simple conversation about herpes. No biggie. That’s the world I want to live in. Where everyone can talk openly about something simple like herpes so it can open the door to deeper conversations and deeper connection.

"Yeah, but what about kissing ‘down there’?" (Nudge, nudge)

This leads to the obvious next question that’s asked … what about herpes and oral sex? You see, this is where this discussion gets fascinating (as far as I’m concerned). Why? Because what if someone has oral HSV-1 (read about the differences between HSV-1 and HSV-2) and that person goes down on their partner then the HSV 1oral infection, with or without symptoms,  could be transmitted to the genitals of their partner, if they don’t already have HSV 1.  The reverse is unlikely to happen. If someone has genital HSV 1 and someone who doesn’t have HSV 1 gives them oral sex, the virus is far less likely to be transferred to the mouth of the uninfected person.  The reason that’s true is because HSV 1 genitally is rarely active, especially after someone has been infected for a year or two.

Notice the double standard. Cold sores? No big deal. Genital herpes? Suddenly people lose their minds. Same virus family. Different patch of skin. Wildly different cultural reaction.

To me, this is proof we have a sexual shaming problem, not a herpes problem. Stuff we get through kissing? Fine, no stigma. Stuff we get through expressing ourselves sexually? Suddenly shameful, suddenly your fault. Doesn't track. I call bullshit.

Sex is a natural, beautiful, ordinary part of being a person. Skin conditions are a natural, ordinary part of being a person too. Both can sit in the same conversation without anyone feeling broken or dirty. That's the world I'm trying to help build, one disclosure conversation at a time.