I've been a member here for awhile, lurking around in the shadows. But I am proud to have found this community, as it has helped me re-frame my perspective on what it means to live with HSV2.
When I was first diagnosed, I just knew my life was over. As an over 40 black female with HSV2, i figured i should just throw in the towel. Dating as a 40+ black female is hard enough, but then add cooties on top of that....forget about it.
But then a funny thing happened. I met someone. He seemed awesome, and checked all the boxes of what I'm looking for. We went on about 4 dates and everything was perfect. But then oh wait, I remembered that i'm one of the "infected" and he would never want me. I came back to the forums for support, plus i read all of Adrial's guidance on changing my perspective. Then I literally wrote out my disclosure talk and practiced it. This was my opportunity (see what I did, there? lol) to start this potential relationship in the spirit of open communication, honesty and vulnerability. If he decided not to proceed, then he was rejecting the herpes, not me. and that's his choice.
I finally got the nerve to disclose, and it went better than I thought. He said he appreciated my honesty and that he'd call me in a few days. i figured oh well, i'll never hear from him again. he did call me a few days later, and we had small talk. while i was waiting for the shoe to drop, he says "so when will i see you again?". i said, well, what do you mean? I assumed after our talk you wouldnt want to see me anymore. he said what are you talking about? of course i want to see you again!
I am besides myself! He is willing to take a chance on us, and I am so happy. We've gotten much closer because of this, and we're trying to make it work. I dont know what the future will hold, but i'm excited to find out!
That's great, good to see uplifting stories. Thanks for sharing!
Very sweet!! Congratulations on a successful disclosure!!
@PhillyChick Thanks for sharing. So happy for you! Would you be willing to share what you said in your disclosure talk? I think that would benefit a lot of people.
@secondchances i hadn't thought of that but i'm happy to share! the main points were as follows:
* I'm really happy that we met, and I feel that we are getting closer, would you agree?
* Part of being close with someone means being authentic and vulnerable, so i'd like to share something that's private to me
* I have HSV2, the virus that causes genital herpes
* There's alot of misinformation out there, but the truth is it's a skin condition that many people have. It hasn't stopped me from dating and I've never passed it to anyone
* Even though the risk of passing it is small, I still want to be honest and disclose my status. There's things we can do to reduce the risk, and I am willing to go on suppression therapy to reduce the risk even further
* Do you have any questions for me, or would you like time to yourself to think this over?
He took the conversation very well. I think the key was that even though I was nervous, I spoke with confidence.
I hope that this is helpful, and that others can have successful disclosure talks.
@phillychick YES this is very helpful! Im glad he was understanding and that your relationship is going well!! Im over 40 and recently contracted HSV2 from an ex boyfrien who didnt know he had it. Although that relationship didnt work out, Im hopeful that I will find a loving, caring, understanding man just as you have. All the best to you.
@PhillyChick, I must say that your disclosure is the best example that I have come across..I love it! I am also a Black female, 41 years who recently contracted HSV2 from my ex-boyfriend who didn't know he had it (just like you @secondchances) and as you @PhillyChick accurately stated "dating is hard enough as a 40+ Black female and then add H to it..smh! Being new to this world I am trying to learn as much info about disclosing and I am so thankful that you included the details to your disclosure. I liked your opening line and how you mentioned about being authentic and vulnerable and I especially liked how you said you "have the virus that causes genital herpes" vs blurting out that you have HERPES. I have read somewhere that is it recommended to phrase it in the manner you did and I think that is a great suggestion. Also I liked your brave ending--giving him an option to ask questions or take time to think. I will use your main points as a guide for my disclosure so thank you so much for sharing and I am so happy that it worked out with your guy.
P.S. I have a personal question for you...hopefully you wont mind answering it. Is the guy you disclosed to black as well?
@KarleneNY i'm glad you found my post helpful! i'm still learning about all this myself, but as i learn, if i can help someone else, that's great. i dont mind answering your question either. the man i'm in a relationship with is also black.
i'm happy to chat further. maybe we can support each other! feel free to PM me
Thank you for this. So uplifting to hear. Stories like these give me hope that I can still have a relationship again.
Hi Phillychick and Second Chances, I came across this posting and relate being in the over 40 category! I even started a thread a few weeks ago wondering if there are success stories for women over 40 with herpes. It sounds like there is if you open your eyes, ignore the negative stories (which is hard, there's so many of them), and keep putting yourself out there. I just had an unexpected successful disclosure on Valentines day that I'm going to post about in that thread. Anyway, I'd love to hear more success stories for us : ), it really inspires me!
That's awesome!! I wish the best for both of you!!:)
@lovethemountains appreciate your post! yes dating over 40 can be difficult, but like you say, we just have to focus on positivity and still put ourselves out there. congrats on your disclosure and best wishes for your future relationship!
I'm new this as well. Just turned 30. Single black female, mother of 1. Is there hope for me? Guys my age are kids and misinformed. I feel like I'm never gnna find someone who can love me in spite of my diagnosis.
@PhillyChick...sure that would be great. I will definitely PM you. Thanks so much :)
@PhillyChick I love your disclosure it brings hope as im also in the same age range as well as AA. Its been about a year since this disclosure are you guys still dating if you don't mind me asking? And if not have you had any additional successful disclosures?
@Newme girl, YES there is hope for you! your attitude and beliefs will determine what comes into your world. if someone does not wish to proceed with you because of your diagnosis, then it wasnt meant to be anyway, so keep it moving. you are just as fabulous as you were before your diagnosis, and you will find a man that recognizes that! feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
@Concerned1977 just to provide an update, no he and i are no longer dating. unfortunately our relationship didnt last but it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. he was great in that regard and very understanding, but i broke up with him.
i have actually had 2 successful disclosures since then. i met someone shortly after the original dude, and we hit it off. we dated for a few weeks and he expressed interest in a relationship. i disclosed to him using my similar script above, and he said he appreciated my honesty, confidence and maturity. he called me back the next day and said he did some research, and he didnt think it was a big deal. long story short, we dated for a few months, but i had to let him go too.
i'm dating someone now, and as luck would have it, when i disclosed to him, his eyes lit up and he was like "OMG me too!". so coincidentally, it just so happens i'm dating someone who is HSV2+ as well.
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. i REFUSE to view my diagnosis as a limiting factor to my dating. and because i dont believe it will impact my dating, it hasnt.
i also get asked what is the age range of the men i'm dating: they are all black men in their late 40s, early 50s. I'm 43 and i prefer "mature" men LOL
happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!
Yes this is great news lady so happy for you. Gives us some hope ???? that there are men who will see you for who you are… and not let this diagnosis scare them away. Thank you for sharing and I will definitely Pm you as we all need support. Thank you
It is incredible how for some potential partners your herpes can be such a non-issue, non-existing thing. Very encouraging, thanks for sharing!
Over 40 club here too. Still very new to all this and not sure how I will approach disclosure . All this gives me hope and faith :)
Over 40 club here too. Still very new to all this and not sure how I will approach disclosure . All this gives me hope and faith :)
you'll do fine!
Love your story, Great success!
@PhillyChick just want to thank you for sharing your disclosure story and your sample script.
i posted on a different thread the other day how I’d referenced this as I disclosed last week to a partner I am really excited about. It went exceptionally well. thank you for sharing!
Thanks so much for sharing! Im starting to date again and Im really nervous about being rejected when I disclose. This helps give me courage.
I've been a member here for awhile, lurking around in the shadows. But I am proud to have found this community, as it has helped me re-frame my perspective on what it means to live with HSV2.
When I was first diagnosed, I just knew my life was over. As an over 40 black female with HSV2, i figured i should just throw in the towel. Dating as a 40+ black female is hard enough, but then add cooties on top of that....forget about it.
But then a funny thing happened. I met someone. He seemed awesome, and checked all the boxes of what I'm looking for. We went on about 4 dates and everything was perfect. But then oh wait, I remembered that i'm one of the "infected" and he would never want me. I came back to the forums for support, plus i read all of Adrial's guidance on changing my perspective. Then I literally wrote out my disclosure talk and practiced it. This was my opportunity (see what I did, there? lol) to start this potential relationship in the spirit of open communication, honesty and vulnerability. If he decided not to proceed, then he was rejecting the herpes, not me. and that's his choice.
I finally got the nerve to disclose, and it went better than I thought. He said he appreciated my honesty and that he'd call me in a few days. i figured oh well, i'll never hear from him again. he did call me a few days later, and we had small talk. while i was waiting for the shoe to drop, he says "so when will i see you again?". i said, well, what do you mean? I assumed after our talk you wouldnt want to see me anymore. he said what are you talking about? of course i want to see you again!
I am besides myself! He is willing to take a chance on us, and I am so happy. We've gotten much closer because of this, and we're trying to make it work. I dont know what the future will hold, but i'm excited to find out!
@PhillyChick I love your disclosure it brings hope as im also in the same age range as well as AA. Its been about a year since this disclosure are you guys still dating if you don't mind me asking? And if not have you had any additional successful disclosures?
I'm new this as well. Just turned 30. Single black female, mother of 1. Is there hope for me? Guys my age are kids and misinformed. I feel like I'm never gnna find someone who can love me in spite of my diagnosis.
@Newme girl, YES there is hope for you! your attitude and beliefs will determine what comes into your world. if someone does not wish to proceed with you because of your diagnosis, then it wasnt meant to be anyway, so keep it moving. you are just as fabulous as you were before your diagnosis, and you will find a man that recognizes that! feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
@PhillyChick I love your disclosure it brings hope as im also in the same age range as well as AA. Its been about a year since this disclosure are you guys still dating if you don't mind me asking? And if not have you had any additional successful disclosures?
@Concerned1977 just to provide an update, no he and i are no longer dating. unfortunately our relationship didnt last but it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. he was great in that regard and very understanding, but i broke up with him.
i have actually had 2 successful disclosures since then. i met someone shortly after the original dude, and we hit it off. we dated for a few weeks and he expressed interest in a relationship. i disclosed to him using my similar script above, and he said he appreciated my honesty, confidence and maturity. he called me back the next day and said he did some research, and he didnt think it was a big deal. long story short, we dated for a few months, but i had to let him go too.
i'm dating someone now, and as luck would have it, when i disclosed to him, his eyes lit up and he was like "OMG me too!". so coincidentally, it just so happens i'm dating someone who is HSV2+ as well.
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. i REFUSE to view my diagnosis as a limiting factor to my dating. and because i dont believe it will impact my dating, it hasnt.
i also get asked what is the age range of the men i'm dating: they are all black men in their late 40s, early 50s. I'm 43 and i prefer "mature" men LOL
happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!
@Concerned1977 just to provide an update, no he and i are no longer dating. unfortunately our relationship didnt last but it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. he was great in that regard and very understanding, but i broke up with him.
i have actually had 2 successful disclosures since then. i met someone shortly after the original dude, and we hit it off. we dated for a few weeks and he expressed interest in a relationship. i disclosed to him using my similar script above, and he said he appreciated my honesty, confidence and maturity. he called me back the next day and said he did some research, and he didnt think it was a big deal. long story short, we dated for a few months, but i had to let him go too.
i'm dating someone now, and as luck would have it, when i disclosed to him, his eyes lit up and he was like "OMG me too!". so coincidentally, it just so happens i'm dating someone who is HSV2+ as well.
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. i REFUSE to view my diagnosis as a limiting factor to my dating. and because i dont believe it will impact my dating, it hasnt.
i also get asked what is the age range of the men i'm dating: they are all black men in their late 40s, early 50s. I'm 43 and i prefer "mature" men LOL
happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!
Yes this is great news lady so happy for you. Gives us some hope ???? that there are men who will see you for who you are… and not let this diagnosis scare them away. Thank you for sharing and I will definitely Pm you as we all need support. Thank you
@PhillyChick just want to thank you for sharing your disclosure story and your sample script.
i posted on a different thread the other day how I’d referenced this as I disclosed last week to a partner I am really excited about. It went exceptionally well. thank you for sharing!
@Sunshine75 i'm so glad that you found the script helpful and congrats on your disclosure! i just read your post and i am excited for you! please keep us posted ????
@PhillyChick I'm still recovering from my first disclosure. I told the guy who I last slept with. He hasn't spoken to me since. We've been on and off for years and I'm feeling a way that he reacted this way. I understand that he obviously isn't worth the headache and I know I'm better off but it's still discouraging. I'm not ready to date. Since the diagnosis my anxiety has been super high. I'm past the mourning phase and I'm definitely on the other side of things but there is still some work to do.
@Newme girl, YES there is hope for you! your attitude and beliefs will determine what comes into your world. if someone does not wish to proceed with you because of your diagnosis, then it wasnt meant to be anyway, so keep it moving. you are just as fabulous as you were before your diagnosis, and you will find a man that recognizes that! feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
@Newme i completely understand how you feel. i've been there! when i was diagnosed, i was in a relationship. when i disclosed to him, he took it well, but then when he tested negative, i never heard from him again. i was heartbroken. in the end though, i realize that things happen for a reason. he wasnt the right guy for me, and we would have broken up at some point anyway.
i wasnt ready to date either when i got diagnosed. i went "dark" for a good 3 months. but after that, i was like i will NOT let herpes steal my joy. i have too much going for me and too much to be thankful for to let something so minor (in the scheme of things) get me down.
once i changed my perspective, i was totally cool with my diagnosis and things have been so much better. all of my disclosures have been positive. having herpes has forced me to get more serious about who i choose to date and be much more particular.
so allow yourself time to grieve. but after that, make a conscious choice to start enjoying life again!
feel free to PM me if you want to chat further ????
@Sunshine75 i'm so glad that you found the script helpful and congrats on your disclosure! i just read your post and i am excited for you! please keep us posted ????
@Newme i completely understand how you feel. i've been there! when i was diagnosed, i was in a relationship. when i disclosed to him, he took it well, but then when he tested negative, i never heard from him again. i was heartbroken. in the end though, i realize that things happen for a reason. he wasnt the right guy for me, and we would have broken up at some point anyway.
i wasnt ready to date either when i got diagnosed. i went "dark" for a good 3 months. but after that, i was like i will NOT let herpes steal my joy. i have too much going for me and too much to be thankful for to let something so minor (in the scheme of things) get me down.
once i changed my perspective, i was totally cool with my diagnosis and things have been so much better. all of my disclosures have been positive. having herpes has forced me to get more serious about who i choose to date and be much more particular.
so allow yourself time to grieve. but after that, make a conscious choice to start enjoying life again!
feel free to PM me if you want to chat further ????
