Click any timestamp to jump to that part of the video
Okay. So, here we are again for our third installment. Yes, we're getting pretty good at this. We're really Yeah, I'm really proud of our uh dedication. Me, too. Pats on the back. So, uh So, yeah, I I loved I loved your blog post. Um Thank you. I I could really resonate with a lot of what you said. Um, so the whole moving through the yuck, which is a term you you developed, it is sort of came out. Yeah, it came out in our last conversation randomly and I was like, oh my god, that's so perfect. Um, cuz it it has this connotation to it of like, yeah, it's yucky, but it's not the end of the world. Like, no, yuck has like a a fun connotation to it. Not that not that it's actually fun to go through, but that on the other side of it looking back it's like oh yeah that was yucky right absolutely but it wasn't something to feel like it's the end end of my life or anything not at all it's a stage yeah how was it for you to to write that apparently it hit you like a lightning bolt that blog it really did I sat for like an hour and a half just waiting for the inspiration to hit me and then at midnight I was like oh there it goes and I'm like and out it came. ...
... It just like I feel like a lot of my writing especially about herpes and my experience like growing just kind of pours out of me. Um it it can't be contrived because it comes from a very like authentic place. So it's something that has to kind of come out naturally much like coming out with your diagnosis, you know, shouldn't be forced out. It has to come out, you know, when you're ready. Yeah. Um to the world. Yeah. So, what were the So, what were some of the the main points in the blog that that really um that really jumped out at you? I think first the the feelings of just dirtiness and feeling unlovable and unsexy directly after the diagnosis. Um being petrified to call and tell my partner that we had herpes. Um because I was certain that I had given it to him and I was correct. I had in fact given it to him because I didn't know what it was. I thought it was razor burn, you know, and and when you're 22 years old and kind of uninformed, you don't recognize symptoms. And we could have a whole other conversation about the lack of comprehensive sex education in schools. But yeah, it's a whole another Skype call. Whole other Skype game. ...
... Maybe that'll be next week's vlog. Yeah. Um, but I was so petrified to tell him that I had given him this condition. Um because all I knew about herpes was what I had heard in the media that it's it's forever and it's dirty and it's disgusting and horrible and and so I felt like I had given him this like horrible sentence and I was like my fingers literally shook as I was dialing his number on my phone and he responded so kindly and with such compassion. Um, and I just it just felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders. And so that was a really important thing. Like I just got chills down my spine when you said that he responded that way. Like I when I read that too, it was like, oh gosh, how how awesome. And we've talked about this before, like of this being your first experience of telling someone and having it be so positive and so compassionate when I've heard so many stories of people who get lashed out at and like, "How dare you, you horrible evil person." And yeah, so to get that kind of a a response, uh, that must have kickstarted the healing process early for you. ...
... It did. It it really really did. Um although as I kind of got to later in the vlog, the healing process is not linear. Um so I was off to a really good start and then the universe was like down in the mud you go. Um because after he and I parted ways, um I was rejected by a lot of guys who were not quite so compassionate or accepting or non-judgmental. Um, so I really felt like I was down in that yuck, like waiting through all of the misery. Um, feeling like I would never find a partner like the one that I had just lost. Yeah. Uh, who would accept me for who I am and for the condition that I have. And so I really felt alone in a lot of ways um, literally and figuratively. And it took a while to find someone who was actually quite educated about herpes and knew that it wasn't such a big deal. And when that happened, it was like the heavens opened up and everything was going to be okay again. Yeah. Well, what did you learn most about being in the yuck? Because a lot of people I know I've I've been through this of when I'm in the yuck, I want nothing more than to get out of it as soon as possible. ...
... Yes. But it seems that a lot of growth happens in the yuck if we're open to it. Sometimes even if we're not open to it, right? Yeah. What what was that for you? Like what did you learn about your yuck? The yuck was a really transformative time for me. Um I'm a big proponent of therapy. I still see a therapist every other week. And so going to therapy while I was in the midst of all of that crap, for lack of a better word, um was really helpful for me because it allowed me to really analyze kind of what was what I was feeling and identify those feelings and not just let those feelings be my reality. M uh so that was important as well as knowing that I was growing and every at every minute in that yuck I was growing a little bit more and that at some point this growth was going to pay off. Um, so it was sort of like sitting with the yuck and being present with it and accepting it as a growth opportunity much like a seed has to sit in fertilizer as you mentioned last week uh before it can start growing and and hitting the surface. ...
... Yeah. Well, that that's that's a much more politically correct term. I actually used horseshit uh as instead of fertilizer. But I mean sometimes that is the the the most uh nourishing thing for a seed for a plant to grow is [ __ ] And you know it may seem poetic to start, you know, saying, "Oh, we're seeds and we're in shit." If we actually really start thinking of that as an opportunity to to look at ourselves and in that aloneeness, I think I I have a really negative or I've had a really negative association with aloneeness in my life and I still do to a certain extent. I'm moving through it of realizing that aloneeness is actually getting to know myself better to it's it's not a necessity for me to prove to myself that I'm okay by being around other people or or having to be in a relationship to prove that I'm worthy or or any of that kind of stuff. So sometimes when I'm alone and I'm feeling lonely, I can switch that into, wow, is this actually an opportunity to learn more about myself, to actually hang out with myself on a deeper level. ...
... Absolutely. And I spent a lot of time hanging out with myself that first year to two years. And it was a good time for me. Like it gave me an opportunity to develop skills that I had kind of ignored. Because when you're in a relationship, you sort of you get so focused on the other person that sometimes you stop focusing on developing your own skills and abilities. Um so it really gave me some time to say, you know what, I really enjoy cooking, so I'm going to do that more and not for other people, just because I like to do it. Yeah. Um and I adopted a cat and he and I spent a whole lot of time together and that was great. Um, so I felt like I was giving back to society by adopting an animal. And it gave me companionship without feeling like I needed a person to be there. Um, but it also gave me a chance to really get comfortable with aloneeness and and realize that much like herpes, it's not as scary as you think. Um, it can actually be quite enjoyable. Even herpes. Even herpes quite enjoyable because I've had so much fun doing these videos in the last three weeks and I wouldn't have been able to do that if I hadn't had herpes. ...
... So like hooray for that. Well, it's um yeah, it's it's an interesting thing to look at of maybe not necessarily glorifying herpes of like, yay, herpes, but I mean, it's a doorway into maybe looking at my aloneeness. It's a doorway into those beliefs maybe that I had around having to be in a relationship to prove that I'm worthy and that I have value. And you know, I I I saw this really amazing video. I wish I could remember the guy's name, but he was talking about depression. And he was saying that for the most part when we're actually feeling depressed, it might actually be a biological natural state of being where our bodies, our psyches want to be alone because we need to actually look inward. And the only way to do that is without the distractions of the outside world. It's why when we're depressed, we feel like cocooning up. We feel like being alone because maybe that's actually what we need. Yes. And if we can stop judging it as something that isn't right or, you know, if we label it, oh my god, I'm depressed and that's wrong. ...
... I need to take medications. And you know, I'm not I'm not saying that, you know, there are there might be some cases where medication is perfectly acceptable. I'm not dissing that, of course. But opening up the possibility of well what is the actually the opportunity in in feeling like I need to be alone also what do I need to look at in my life to be okay with myself that's absolutely true and and I think sometimes we're so afraid of negative emotions that we feel like there's something that we have to just get through as quickly as we possibly can and if I'm sad then something's making me sad and I need to find something to make me happy um instead of just like saying, "Oh, I'm sad." Like, "Why am I sad?" And it's okay that I'm sad because it's a a feeling that you need to be able to let go through its cycle and go through your body naturally instead of trying to rush it along. Um, sort of like I would try to like push down the anger that I was feeling because I was like, "Oh, anger is evil." But it's not. It's something that you have to feel along with everything else. Um and let it kind of move through you naturally. It it reminds me of the idea not the idea but the the word itself emotion. ...
... Yeah. It's energy in motion. Yes. So that so whenever I am feeling an emotion and I judge it that has me stop it short, right? It doesn't allow it the motion to just move through me. Emotion is meant to move. But in so much in our culture, especially the negative emotions, right? We stifle it and we assume that it's just going to go away when really it just becomes stagnant and it starts getting even more icky the the less that we actually look at it, right? Um, absolutely. You got something there. And what is this lotus flower? Oh, yeah. Shoulder. That's great. Which I love. I love that metaphor. I love the symbolism. What if it was like, "Oh, I got to get out of here." Now, of course, we're anthropomorphizing a lotus flower, but go with me on this. If it was like, "Oh, this [ __ ] is terrible. I need to be somewhere else. This smells This smells bad. It's yucky. Yeah, I'm going to go hang out over here in like the grass. It wouldn't grow the way that it does in the yuck." And then you wouldn't have this beautiful thing at the end. So it's like you have to kind of be where you are and be okay with where you are and know that there is there is always an opportunity and there is always meaning that you could be finding where you are. ...
... There's there's an eb and flow to life. Like we we can't actually blossom without actually developing our petals within. I love that you described the whole lotus growing through the muck, but it has that that protective shell to it as it's growing up through the muck and and what's happening in that shell. I mean, there are so many different metaphors here of like, you know, the butterfly in the chrysalis or the the poem that I was telling you about uh my my poet friend. I'll tell it to the whole audience. My poet friend, an amazing slam poet, one of the top slam poets in the country, and he he's developing he was developing this new poem a few months ago and was like, you know, this one line jumped out to me where it said the only the only way that a photograph, and this is old school before before there were digital cameras, when there was actually film, the only way to actually develop film is for it to sit in the dark for a Right. And the more the more that you allow it to sit in the dark, the more brilliant the colors become. That's so so the the the the photograph metaphor, the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis metaphor, the lotus flower blossoming, all of this is pointing to the same thing that's happening with us, right? ...
... and to to to let ourselves develop. Yes. Naturally, naturally. And if that's what wants to happen, then that's what's going to happen. Let's not force anything, right? We're not going to force growth. We're not going to force ourselves to be over it if we're not actually over it. It's okay to not be over it. It is okay to not be over it. It's okay to be sad. That's the only way that we actually heal is to be with what is, right? I love you. You're so great. And I just love listening to you speak. And I think like when you do your coaching, I can only imagine what your clients feel because I feel like I'm getting all of this great uh experience just from skyping with you every week. So, thank you so much. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Yeah, it's been it's been a fun ride so far and I'm glad that you're with me on this ride. And I'm glad that you're going to be coming to the weekend. Yes. I'm so excited for the weekend. I'm already like mentally preparing and packing my bags even though it's a few months away. Yeah. Yeah. And to meet everyone from the forums and I've been emailing with a couple people from the forums and that's been great and it's just this great thing that you created. ...
... So, thank you again. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be making the drive down from Pennsylvania. We got a we got a few other people um whoopsy Daisy from the forum uh who went through the weekend as a participant last time in January is actually going to be flying down from Canada to be a staff member this time around. So awesome. So this is like this is a worldwide community that we're building. Um, and and it just speaks to the the cycle of support that happens when, you know, you can grow out of your own yuck and you you blossom and then you look at all of the other buds that are still in the yuck and you're like, "Hey, you can blossom, too." Absolutely. So, there's going to be a whole another round of of of potential buds that are in the yuck that we're going to just be with during the weekend. Um, absolutely. Another participant is is a a participant is going to be flying down from Canada and another one probably from Europe and um a whole a whole bunch of other people from other states are going to be making the drive. Um, so it's July 12th through the 14th. Let's make this clear so so people uh watching this video can know. ...
... um on herpeso opportunity.com is going to be all the latest um all the latest news on that. It's going to be in Raleigh, North Carolina. Uh but yeah, go to herpeso opportunity.com to get all the latest and and greatest and and hop on the forums, too. We're we're on the forums as much as we can be and uh and supporting supporting people in in their growth and becoming lotus flowers. Becoming lotus flowers. And you know, we're we're always the the the lotus flower in a way. It's like I don't want to I don't want to necessarily have it seem like, oh, you blossom and then you're not a flower and then you blossom and then you're not a flower. It's like we're always the flower, but it's just in different phases of letting the world see the flower and then letting us get to know the flower better and letting the world see the flower. And that's the eb and flow of life, you know. Um we're not always going to be on this high, right? And and you know, free to the world and over everything and, you know, not having any more problems ever again. That's not what life is about. No. Life is about actually riding those waves and being okay with any part of the height or the depth that we go to. ...
... And man, if if if everyone can let go of that self- judgment of things aren't okay as they are, imagine the kind of world that we would live in. A very beautiful world. So that's that's what we're standing for, right? That's what we're standing for. Absolutely. And and if you take that lotus metaphor one step further and remember that when the lotus dies, all of the seeds that are encased in it go back down to the yuck and start growing even more lotus flowers and then the cycle repeats. Oh, that is beautiful. Yes. Way to bring it home, sister. Awesome. All right. Well, uh Skype hug. Let's see if we can do this. Uh hugs for anyone who's watching. Yes. Yeah. Everyone who was watching was in the middle of our hug. So they were squashed in between. They were the meat in the hug sandwich. The Oreo cream in our hugging Oreo. We are the metaphor masters. I swear we are awesome at this. ...
... All right. Well, until next time. Until next time.
It is easy to get sucked into the negative when you get a herpes diagnosis. I remember the day that I was diagnosed. I was at the health center at my university and I had the most horrific first herpes outbreak anyone could imagine. Two solid weeks of not being able to sit, lay down, use the bathroom, or shower without excruciating pain. Not to mention the accompanying nausea, fatigue, and general feelings of misery. The nurse gave me the diagnosis and I felt my heart hit the floor. Who would want me now since I have herpes? With shaking hands I dialed my then boyfriend’s cell phone number. “The rash I have? It’s herpes,” I said, cringing with every word. “I had a feeling that’s what it was,” he replied calmly. “Are you mad?” I asked. “No sweetie,” he said, “you’re still the same person you were an hour ago. It’s just herpes. It’s not life-threatening.”
I was shocked. I was expecting anger, even fury. I spread herpes to him unknowingly because I didn’t recognize the symptoms, and here he was reassuring me! Together we researched home remedies and information on herpes that was now a part of both of our lives. We supported each other through our first outbreak and subsequent herpes outbreaks, until we finally went our separate ways a few months later. It was wonderful to have someone who understood what I was going through. It was even more incredible to have a partner who cared about me and supported me through a period of pretty intense anger and self-loathing. I felt dirty. I felt unlovable. I felt unattractive. He helped me get through those feelings, at least temporarily.
It wasn’t until I attempted to get back into the dating scene that I realized that not everyone was so understanding. I was rejected countless times. It got to the point that I started disclosing on the first date just to get it over with. My reasoning was at least if (and when) he rejected me, at least we would have only wasted one date. All those feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, and depression came flooding back. I became convinced that I was never going to find someone who would want to “deal with” my condition. I felt myself descending into what I have now termed, “the yuck.”
The yuck is a place of toxic feelings. It harbors the helpless victim mentality and feeds into feelings of anger, resentment, blame, and sorrow. It is easy to get trapped in the yuck. It’s like quicksand. One minute you’re doing okay and then as soon as you have a bad date, an outbreak, or even hear a herpes joke, you’re right back down in the pit of despair. I felt broken, worthless, and alone.
Gradually, I started to learn more about herpes. I learned about herpes transmission rates and ways to keep outbreaks under control. I learned that there were herpes dating sites and herpes support sites for people with herpes. I found a therapist and did some hard work with her, including letting go of my anger at the guy who raped me (which is how I ended up with herpes). I started to grow. I decided that I needed something to represent my new outlook on life. I’m a firm believer in body reclamation, and for me, that sometimes takes the form of tattoos.
The tattoo of the lotus flower on my right shoulder.
Halloween 2009, three months after my rape and one month after my herpes diagnosis, I decided to get a lotus tattoo on my right shoulder. The lotus flower grows in the mud in shallow water and does not bloom until it reaches the surface. While it’s growing, the flower petals are safe inside the blossom, which keeps them from getting stained by the mud. I always loved the symbolism of the lotus flower, but I didn’t realize how accurate the metaphor was for me until about two years later. I battled my anger, my resentment, and my self-consciousness many times over those two years. Healing is not a linear path. There are twists and turns, forks and loops. It took a lot of tears, many sleepless nights, and a lot of support to get me to where I am now.
Underneath the lotus is a Tibetan Buddhist mantra: “Om Mani Padme Hum.” This mantra is a devotion to Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion. It serves as a daily reminder that I cannot know where someone else has been or what has led them to this point. It encourages me to show compassion to others as well as myself.
Thanks to Adrial and the Herpes Opportunity, I found the strength to “come out” about having herpes. I told my friends, family, and the internet. I have to say, I have never felt so free in my entire life. It feels wonderful to be able to speak openly about having herpes, instead of saying the word in hushed tones while constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who might be listening and judging. I look forward to talking about herpes during my weekly Skype call with Adrial. I get excited that other people will see our videos and hopefully crack a smile or giggle at our silliness. I feel genuine and authentic, which is a huge improvement over the way I felt when I was still “in the yuck.”
I encourage everyone to take time to reflect on where they are in the growth process. Are you still in the yuck? Don’t worry, there are others there too and you can help each other grow. Are you growing but not quite at the surface? Reach out and let people help you. And to those who have blossomed: Share your beauty with the world. Don’t be afraid of your roots. Remember them; because they are a testament to your strength and perseverance throughout this journey.
