If you’ve recently been diagnosed with herpes, one of the first things you probably Googled was “herpes dating sites.” I get it, it feels like your dating life just got a lot smaller. But here’s the thing: it didn’t. Your sea is a lot bigger than you think.
The “herpes dating site” question
Why do we feel the need to segregate ourselves to STD-only dating sites? Who are we to minimize our chances of finding our fish in the sea by limiting our sea to only the herpes fish? How presumptuous are we to make the decision for our potential lovers by taking ourselves out of the general dating population?
Let them make that decision for themselves about whether or not they want to be with you, just like you’ll be weighing your own options when you determine if you want to be with them. So let’s not pre-reject ourselves, shall we?
“I don't know how I would have responded if he had been honest, but he never gave me that opportunity. Everyone deserves the right to be informed and to make their own decisions based on that information.”
Herpes-only dating sites: What’s out there
That said, I know you want to know what’s out there. So let’s take an honest look at the herpes-specific dating options:
Positive Singles is the largest herpes dating site, with over 1 million members. It’s specifically designed for people with herpes and other STIs. You can create a profile, search for matches, and connect with people who share your diagnosis. It offers forums and a community aspect beyond just dating. The downside? It requires a paid membership to send messages, and the user base in smaller cities can be very limited.
H-Date is a free herpes dating site that’s been around for a while. The interface is simpler and the community is smaller than Positive Singles, but the fact that it’s completely free makes it accessible. User activity varies by region.
HWerks is another option that includes dating, forums, and support group features. It’s a smaller platform but has an active community.
These sites exist, and if using one feels right to you, that’s completely valid. Some people find comfort in knowing that the disclosure conversation is already taken care of. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But here’s what I want you to consider before you limit yourself to herpes-only dating …
The math doesn’t lie: Why your dating pool shrinks dramatically
Let’s throw some math in the mix:
- Roughly 12% of Americans ages 14–49 have genital herpes. Dating only within that pool cuts out 88% of the American population right off the bat.
- Then consider that 80% of people with herpes don’t know they have it. They’ve never been tested or had a noticeable outbreak, so they’re not on herpes dating sites. That brings your pool of “self-aware” herpes singles down to about 2.4% of the population.
- Then from that small pool, how many are actually joining herpes dating sites? Let’s be generous and say half. That’s 1.2% of the population.
- And from that 1.2%, how many are the right age, live in your area, share your interests, and are people you’re actually attracted to?
Poof. Your dating pool has suddenly become a dried-out puddle in the middle of the desert.
By dating only other people who have herpes, you’re cutting out a massive number of potential connections. People who would fall head-over-heels in love with you, herpes and all, if you gave them the chance.
Mainstream dating: The bigger sea
The reality is that most people with herpes date on regular apps (Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Match, OkCupid) and they do just fine. The key difference is that disclosure becomes part of the process rather than being front-loaded in your profile.
Here’s what that actually looks like:
- You create a normal dating profile. You are a person who happens to have herpes, not a “herpes person.” Your profile should reflect who you are, your interests, your personality. Herpes doesn’t need to be in your bio.
- You go on dates. Get to know people. Build a connection. Be yourself.
- When the time feels right, you disclose. This is usually after a few dates, when there’s mutual interest and things might be heading toward physical intimacy. Most people choose to have this conversation in person, in a private, relaxed setting.
- You let them make their own decision. And you’d be surprised how often the response is some version of “Thanks for telling me. That took guts.”
The disclosure conversation is not the relationship-ender most people fear. When it comes from a place of confidence and care rather than shame, most people are far more accepting than you’d expect. (For specific guidance, download our free e-book on disclosure, it walks you through the whole conversation step by step.)
The real question isn’t where to date, it’s how you feel about yourself
Here’s the deeper truth: the impulse to retreat to a herpes-only dating site usually isn’t about practicality. It’s about shame. It’s the voice that says “no one outside this bubble would want me.” And that voice is lying to you.
Being with someone who has herpes or not is a preference, just like everything else in dating. Some people can’t stand kissing smokers; others don’t mind. Some people wouldn’t date someone who travels constantly; others love it. Some people won’t want to be with someone who has herpes; many others genuinely won’t care. Being human involves having a smorgasbord of characteristics that make us all unique. Herpes is just one item in a very long list.
And everyone has baggage. Everyone’s got stuff they carry shame around. Herpes just happens to be yours. But it doesn’t make you uniquely rejectable. It makes you human.
Yes, if you put yourself out there more, there are more chances of being rejected. But you’re also opening the door to being accepted. Quite the double-edged sword. Rejecting yourself before anyone else can is not the best way to go through life.
Disclosure as a doorway, not a wall
There is a deeper strength that gets developed through the practice of disclosing herpes to potential partners. It says a whole lot about the kind of trustworthy, caring person you are. And isn’t that the foundation of any real relationship?
When disclosure comes from the heart instead of shame, there really is no such thing as rejection. As you gain more self-acceptance, rejection starts to look less like a personal teardown and more like a preference the other person has, one that has nothing to do with your inherent worth.
From this Opportunity perspective, disclosure becomes a caring and authentic act that demonstrates your deeper qualities to prospective partners. In this way, herpes isn’t the brick wall we thought it was. It’s a doorway into deeper vulnerability, trust, and intimacy.
The transmission rates are low. The treatment options are effective. And your worth as a partner has absolutely nothing to do with a virus.
The bottom line
Herpes dating sites exist, and there’s nothing wrong with using them if they feel right for you. But please don’t limit yourself to them out of fear or shame. Your sea is so much bigger than a puddle.
The most attractive quality you can bring to any relationship isn’t a clean STI panel, it’s showing up as your authentic, vulnerable, whole self. Herpes and all. The right person won’t be scared away by your honesty. They’ll be drawn to it.
Ready to feel confident about dating and disclosure? Download the free e-book for a step-by-step guide to “the talk,” or explore one-on-one coaching if you want personalized support.
“Everyone on here who says 'The right person won't care and will look past your H' was 100% correct. Please don't deny yourself happiness because of this skin infection.”
