I am a female who has had H for all of my adult life. I have been in several long term monogamous relationships with men who didn't have H but eventually they would come to an end (usually men who were not ready to settle down). I finally thought I found the one at 38 (he also did not have H); he was wonderful and we got engaged. After a year of engagement I had to end it because he was not the same person I met at all and was not treating me well. I've now found myself at 40 and single. I've heard so many negative stories from women in their 40's and beyond (and these are women who do not share in our "gift") about basically being ignored by any men in their age range and only being approached, especially online by men a good 15-20+ years older. I recently joined a dating site and after a week this is exactly what I'm experiencing.
It has been challenging enough to date with H all my life (more internally than an actual reality as many of us know) but this new dynamic really scares me. I'd like to hear what other women over 40 have experienced. Do you know anyone who actually found the one at this age and beyond? I know plenty of women who have actually given up. I'm normally an optimistic person but I also want to be realistic so that I'm not wasting my life and time. Thanks for reading.
I'm in my late 40s and started online dating at 47. I haven't been searching for a serious relationship but my ex did take that approach and I'd guess he was 42 and she was 44 when they started dating. So it certainly happens.
I do understand the phenomenon you're experiencing online. Some of it is that many men your age are still married and some who are single seek younger women for a variety of reasons, including still wanting to have kids. I find things open up a bit more around 44 or so. I'd say most of my matches are in the 28-32 range and then jump to 44+ with not as many matches in between. But I have certainly heard of exceptions.
As for the HSV thing, bear in mind infection rates climb with age. By 45, a majority of single and divorced women in the U.S. have HSV2. And some have genital HSV1. Of course, most guys aren't aware of this, and even most of the women who are infected aren't aware of this. But you are now in a decade of life in which 93% of all people your age (40s) have HSV.
Hi there, l was diagnosed in my early 50's with HSV2. Had HPV from my 20's. I know what you are talking about...has a lot of older men contact me when l was dating...juar told them they wouldn't be able to keep up with me and wished thwm well. I dated younger men, was always up front at the beginning. Yes l was turned down the odd time but most men didn't worry about it. I decided that if they did l would just move on. I didn't want smokers or unfit men...l have deal breakers too! I realised was happy single and a good relationship would be a bonus. I had fun dating but didn't meet the right one, had my heart broken a couple of times, realising they weren't for me anyway and moved on. Now l have been in a relationship for 5 years with a good man who doesnt have either condition and accepts l have them. Herpes has changed my sex life and sometimes l wish l didn't have it, it bothers me more than him. My philosophy has always been that l work to be the best version of myself and l look for that in a man. If they fell short of that standard l would rather be single. It took about 5 years to find the right man and l enjoyed being single. Don't compromise , enjoy the good things about being single, be up front so there's no awkwardness and have some fun
Hello, I’m 42 and was diagnosed 4 months ago so I probably won’t be of much help because I’m single again. The guy I was seeing when I found out is 41 and we met online. I was diagnosed via blood test I requested during my annual physical. My symptoms are mild, if any, so finding out was a shock to my system and he left immediately. My plan this year is to focus me and learning to pay attention to my body closer when it comes to this virus. I’ve been reading that most people in our age bracket have this virus but I know of no women outside of this site with it. I guess people are just not talking about it...at all! I do plan to get back out there next year and hope to find someone who either has it too or is truly accepting. It scares me tho and I think it’s because of the way my ex responded when I told him. I normally attract those my age or slightly older on the dating sites. I have a guy friend that I have hung out with a couple of times lately. We met online last year and he’s 39. We ended up being friendly but that’s it. It’s nice to get out sometimes and try to quiet the voices in my head about this virus.
@MakingIT2017 Most people who have it simply don't know they have it. It is not a routine part of STI testing and causes obvious/noticeable symptoms in a minority of people who have it.
I had the same experience when I tested positive but have found accepting partners since then, including a partner who happened to know he had it as well.
I was diagnosed June 2017, it was a complete shock & I was devastated at first. Prior to the dx- had been dating alot meeting lots of nice guys online. At the time, was just starting to see one guy when we decided to get tested before committing into a serious relationship. What a shock when the results came back! He was negative while I tested positive for both. He was very shocked & reacted negatively towards me- I was devastated. We didn't see each other for several months, however, I met a man on a HSV dating site and we started seeing each other. Then the man I had been seeing prior, wanted to see me again. So fast forward to the present - we are now together and he has accepted me as I am , knowing that he is at risk of contracting this "gift". We are in a monogamous relationship and quite happy these days.
I had the same experience when I tested positive but have found accepting partners since then, including a partner who happened to know he had it as well.
Yes, I realize that it is not included in standard STD testing which is crazy to me. Lol
The only reason it was included for me is because the lab dropped the ball. During my lab work for my physical I requested that they include STD testing but they didn’t. I asked my doctor for the results and that’s when she noticed so sent me back to the lab and mentioned she would do a full panel this time.
I’m glad you have found success! It definitely gives me hope. I liked online dating because I rarely go out so I wasn’t meeting people. I’ve met some strange ones but have also met people that have turned out to be pretty good friends.
Great story, thanks for sharing!
I was diagnosed in my early 50's with HSV2. Had HPV from my 20's. I know what you are talking about... had a lot of older men contact me when I was dating... just told them they wouldn't be able to keep up with me and wished them well. I dated younger men, was always up front at the beginning. Yes I was turned down the odd time but most men didn't worry about it. I decided that if they did I would just move on. I didn't want smokers or unfit men... I have deal breakers too! I realised I was happy single and a good relationship would be a bonus. I had fun dating but didn't meet the right one, had my heart broken a couple of times, realising they weren't for me anyway and moved on. Now I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a good man who doesn't have either condition and accepts I have them. Herpes has changed my sex life and sometimes I wish I didn't have it, it bothers me more than him. My philosophy has always been that I work to be the best version of myself and I look for that in a man. If they fell short of that standard I would rather be single. It took about 5 years to find the right man and I enjoyed being single. Don't compromise, enjoy the good things about being single, be up front so there's no awkwardness and have some fun.
Hello, I'm 42 and was diagnosed 4 months ago so I probably won't be of much help because I'm single again. The guy I was seeing when I found out is 41 and we met online. I was diagnosed via blood test I requested during my annual physical. My symptoms are mild, if any, so finding out was a shock to my system and he left immediately. My plan this year is to focus on me and learning to pay attention to my body closer when it comes to this virus. I do plan to get back out there next year and hope to find someone who either has it too or is truly accepting. It scares me though and I think it's because of the way my ex responded when I told him. I normally attract those my age or slightly older on the dating sites.
I was diagnosed June 2017, it was a complete shock and I was devastated at first. Prior to the diagnosis I had been dating a lot and meeting lots of nice guys online. At the time, was just starting to see one guy when we decided to get tested before committing into a serious relationship. What a shock when the results came back! He was negative while I tested positive for both. He was very shocked and reacted negatively towards me — I was devastated. We didn't see each other for several months, however, I met a man on a HSV dating site and we started seeing each other. Then the man I had been seeing prior wanted to see me again. So fast forward to the present — we are now together and he has accepted me as I am, knowing that he is at risk of contracting this "gift". We are in a monogamous relationship and quite happy these days.
Thanks for the supportive comments. And Lelani thanks for the reminder about having standards. I don't feel I have any outrageous, unrealistic standards and am not looking for perfection in looks, height, job etc but was starting to feel like maybe I need to "take whatever there is" — and if you could see what pops up on my online matches you might want to run. Seriously, I've opened up my messages and just burst into tears. And Optimist thanks for sharing that there are women still able to meet men in their age range. I think that has been the hardest part. I accept that I have herpes and have learned to be comfortable disclosing, but now feeling like I'm in "no man's land" due to age and it has really left me feeling isolated. I definitely think its the bracket I'm in. I am very active in the community and social groups and I almost never meet anyone single in my age range, male or female. So its a lonely age group overall if you are not paired up. I'm hoping that you're right about things seeming to open up again around age 44. It has been extremely hard on my self worth to get all these messages from men in my dad's age range and barely a look from anyone in their 40's. And it literally happened the moment my birthday came and my profile changed over to 40! I'm trying to stay positive about the future. This is just not where I saw myself.
Excellent thread — being diagnosed at 52 while having abstained from sex for a long long time was a true shock. I also found out I have HPV and the more uncommon cervix pre-cancer issues that can come with that. As someone who would love some physical touch and comfort I'm like, ewww, I'm infected!
I'm not yet comfortable enough physically, 3 months later, to even think about sex with HSV2 — but I am encouraged by all of you brave ladies! And I love the statistics — I had no idea it was so prevalent in us "older" women or that it was not a standard STD to test for. That shocked me.
Thank you!
I don't know that I can provide any advice on the HSV side of dating as I was just recently diagnosed. LoveTheMountains — Love Yourself! I am 50 and I know I am hot! When I walk into a room men see me! If you approach life with confidence men love it! Let them make the moves but just know that you're something special. You don't say it — but it is just the way you carry yourself.
For nine years I was celibate while raising my daughter. Recently, I got back out into the dating world. Unfortunately the extremely hot 31 year old gave me HSV2.
Don't approach dating with an attitude of defeat — know that you are an amazing person and you will find the right person!
Just experienced my first disclosure and got rejected. I'm devastated because I have been looking to find mr right for a long time and met this guy and I knew 5 minutes in it's him. Don't remember when I felt like that about anyone. I know he liked me a lot too but he just can't cope with it. We stopped talking. I had my 40th Birthday in the meantime, no text with birthday wishes, but still when I was blowing candles on my birthday cake I wished he'd come back to me. Couple nights later I got a text that he can't stop thinking about me... I tried talking to him but it was still hard for him. I was not desperate to win him back because I know he is scared but just wanted to talk to him about H and show him some facts.
It feels so bad to know someone I was waiting for to come along came just to dump me because of this. It even makes me think I will never disclose again but I know it's not fair. I was raised in the right way and taught the worst truth is better than the best lie and it's horrible for me to think I may go against what I was believing in all my life. I feel very very sad and I hate it because I'm usually happy and confident. Life hey!
My dating life has started to pick up steam online with age appropriate men. Though I went on a couple of dates last week that made me think: whew, I'm glad I only have H to deal with! Isn't it funny when herpes seems minuscule compared to some of the other things life can throw at a person?
Monika, so sorry you are having to go through the feeling of rejection and repeated uncertainty by this person you cared about. I have on one occasion dealt with someone who was very torn and kept dragging things out; he couldn't let go yet couldn't move forward and I realized it was not good for my emotional health. He tried to reach out a few times down the road but I had met someone else.
Well I'll share how my dating experience goes... I have a Sunday date with a 44 year old book-wormish/outdoorsy father of 2 girls and I'm looking forward to it!
I honestly don't know what I would do without this website. I feel an instant lift when I'm on here reading other people's stories and advice.
I even feel like I'm coming to terms with my rejection and although it was not so much the rejection as such — I can't blame him for not wanting to put himself at risk — but the fact that we really cared about each other and letting this go is the hardest part. But also now thinking maybe he is not for me if he can't see beyond the minor skin condition. I'm so much more than that.
Funny that in the meantime two other people are asking me for a date right now and they both are really trying hard. Maybe only till they find out about my little secret, but if again that will be too scary for them oh well. Hopefully one day I meet someone who is open minded and sees the qualities I have instead of a tiny little condition that is not ruling out a happy life.
Well I'm posting again because I had my first successful "talk" since the end of my engagement to the ex! With Valentines day looming and no significant other I wanted to treat myself to something I really enjoy and hide out from all the couples that day. I went to a small ski resort a couple of hours away. At the end of the day I went up to the little bar for a drink and there was a very handsome man (a year younger) sitting there. We started up the usual easy small talk that happens in ski resorts with strangers talking about the day on the mountain. I figured the wife would be coming out of the bathroom any moment.
Anyway, turns out he was single. We hit it off and talked till the bar closed at 7pm. Lots of chemistry and fascinating conversation. Inevitably since we were having so much fun and it was early we wanted it to continue so he invited me to his room. I had a feeling one thing could easily lead to another and I really was not wanting that at this time BUT I really wanted to test out having the talk again — it's been 3 years since having to do that when I met the ex. At his room as things got more flirty and we kissed a few times I went ahead and moved forward with the "talk". He fell silent and had a strange look on his face and I was like oh shit brace yourself! So I said "it looks like you might have some questions or thoughts on this". He replied with, "well... don't a lot of people have this?". That was a great segue into talking about the stats, and he was really curious. Then he kept telling me how amazing I am for caring and disclosing. He couldn't get over my "honesty" and found it super attractive!
We talked more about the prospect of getting physical in the future and he was very open to it, including that night but I was adamant that I wasn't about to take the risk outside of a serious relationship without a condom. He told me how much he enjoyed spending the evening with me and still wanted to spend the night together talking and kissing and cuddling. So we did!
It was a wonderful way to spend my first Valentine's day single. We met up on the mountain a few times the next day and exchanged numbers. Unfortunately I know it won't go anywhere as he is extremely fresh out of a bad divorce and getting involved with someone on a serious level is the furthest thing on his mind right now and I've learned to protect myself from people who are in that place. But it did give me much needed practice and confidence on having the talk again!
Excellent thread - being diagnosed at 52 while having abstained from sex for a long long time was a true shock. I also found out I have HPV and the more uncommon cervix pre-cancer issues that can come with.... yuck. Toss in an incurable disease diagnosis January, I'm freaked. As when I would love some physical touch and comfort I'm like, ewwww, I'm infected!
I'm not yet comfortable enough physically, 3 months later to even think about friction sex with HSV2 - but I am encouraged by all of you brave ladies! And I love the statistics - I had no idea it was so prevalent in us "older" women or that it was not a standard STD to test for. That shocked me.
Thank you!
I don't know that I can provide any advice on the HSV side of dating as I was just recently diagnosed. LoveTheMountains - Love Yourself!!!! I am 50 - and I know I am hot! When I walk into a room men see me! If you approach life with confidence men love it! Let them make the moves but just know that you know your something special. You don't say it - but it is just the way you carry yourself. Tao meditation has many practices for women that will improve your confidence. I have off and on done a toa jade egg practice for the past 6 years. I know this has improved my self esteem considerably. For nine years I was celebate while raising my daughter. Recently, I got back out into the dating world - the age range was 26-31. Unfortunately the extremely hot 31 year old gave me HSV2.
Don't approach dating with an attitude of defeat- know that you are an amazing person and you will find the right person!
Hi. Just experienced my first disclosure and rejected. I’m devastated because I have been looking to find mr right long time and met this guy I knew 5 min in it’s him. Dont remember when I felt like that about anyone. I know he liked me a lot too but he just can’t cope with it. We stopped talking. I had my 40th Birthday in meantime no text with bday wishes but still when I was blowing candles on my bday cake I wished he come back to me. Couple nights later I got text that he can’t stop thinking about me..... I tried talking to him but it was still hard for him. I was not desperate to win him back because I know he is scared but just wanted to talk to him about H and show him this web and some facts. He agreed to meet me next weekend but from the now silent treatment again I just know it’s not going to happened. I even managed to get rid of work on that day but probably I will just sit at home stood up and devastated. I’m a strong but even for me it’s been a torture. Probably if he didn’t text after a week of breakup I would be now in better place but it raised my hope just to let me crashed hard. Cruel. It feel so bad to know someone I was waiting for to come along came just to damp me because of this. It even makes me think I will never disclose again but I know it’s not fair. I was raised in right way and taught worse true is better than best lie and it’s horrible for me to think I may go against what I was believing in all my life. I feel very very sad and I hate it because I’m usually happy and confident. Life hey!
Thanks for the continued supportive comments. My dating life has started to pick up steam online with age appropriate men. Though I went on a couple of dates last week that made me think; whew, I'm glad I only have H to deal with! Isn't it funny when herpes seems miniscule compared to some of the other things life can throw at a person?
@Monika; so sorry you are having to go through the feeling of rejection and repeated uncertainty by this person you cared about. I have on one occasion dealt with someone who was very torn and kept dragging things out; he couldn't let go yet couldn't move forward and I realized it was not good for my emotional health. He tried to reach out a few times down the road but I had met someone else.
@Present Moment; lol I have on occasion entertained a date here and there with the younger men but honestly there's such a huge generation gap I don't usually relate (except when I'm living in the mountains and rural areas with these young guys who still call you up versus text for weeks, pick you up!, take you out fishing and camping and hold doors open etc : )
Well I'll share how my dating experience goes... I have a Sunday date with a 44 year old book-wormish/outdoorsy father of 2 girls and I'm looking forward to it!
I know what you mean with the younger men wanting to text and not really communicate. I just recently told one not to bother messaging me again. He was wasting my time.
Glad you have a date! Have fun, good luck!!
I honestly don’t know what I would do without without this website. I feel instant lift when I’m on here reading other people stories and advises.
I even feel caming to terms with my rejection and although it was not so much the rejection as such as I can’t blame him for not wanting to put himself in risk but the fact that we really cared about each other and letting this go is the hardest part. But also now thinking maybe he is not for me if he can’t see beyond the minor skin condition. I’m so much more than that.
Funny that in meantime two other people asking me for a date right now and they both are really trying hard. Maybe only till they find out about my little secret but if again that will be too scary for them oh well. Hopefully one day I meet someone who is open minded and see the qualities I have instead on tiny little condition that is not ruling out happy life.
Good luck Monika! I hope one of the men will turn out to be really good for you!
Last night I had a very positive experience! I went out with a friend and while she was running around doing her thing, I saw an attractive man sitting alone. I asked if I could join him. I am in my first three months of diagnosis so I was not trying to have a sexual relationship. For 2 hours we talked, just had a 100% friend connection. Listened to the band, a lot of Tom Petty, Bob Marley, some Prince!! We love the same music, grew up with hippy parents, talked about gardening, jobs, mutual friends. He is young, just had a real friend connection, never sexual. We didn't exchange numbers but I know in my small town we will run into each other again. I have a new friend!
PresentMoment: that's awesome that you did that! I've traveled a lot and I love meeting people spontaneously like that!
So it has been an unexpectedly whirlwind weekend for me on the dating scene. As mentioned earlier I had a date lined up with a 44 year old single father. (I'm doing online dating) well another man contacted me and asked me out the same weekend. His date happened first. He was handsome, a little older than my 10 year age comfortable age range so 53 (puts him at 5 years younger than my dad and 4 younger than my mom!), but I said what the heck. Anyway, we had great physical chemistry and fun during lunch but midway thru it was apparent he was aggressively and assertively trying to move the conversation to something sexual. Lol, I considered dropping the H bomb right there at lunch just to chill him out. Anyway, it was overall a fun date and he messaged me after to say he thinks he's a little to wild for me but just in case "here's my number". I have no idea what would happen if I disclosed but I really am not interested in going forward because other than the chemistry we didn't really relate on anything else.
Then went on my other date last night. He couldn't be more opposite than the first guy. Super serious and intellectual. But I have this side too and we clicked on an intellectual level and our date lasted 4 hours of fascinating conversation. Unfortunately I think he lacks any passionate or relaxed side and I think my free spirited and especially outdoorsy side was not to his taste. Anyway, I would totally spend time with him again but I have a feeling it may not go that way and I wouldn't have any hard feelings.
And the unexpected story of the weekend. I signed up for a social meetup group that was going out latin dancing Saturday night. I was so tired by 8pm and really not feeling social but forced myself to go. A guy showed up in the group and we ended up dancing all night. I mean really dancing latin dancing the way I love to and rarely ever get to. And we didn't leave each other's side when we didn't dance and pretty much were holding hands or linked together physically in some way all evening. I can't tell you how much I miss that feeling of laughing, non-stop smiling, and connectedness. Great conversation too- he's both intellectual and lively! So it is possible to find both qualities in one person! He suggested we get together again and I definitely want to!
Right now I'm not in disclosing mode since and trying not to think about it. Still to fragile to handle a rejection. But I'm definitely reading lots of other success stories to start building up to that again.
Well I'm posting again because I'm I had my first successful "talk" since the end of my engagement to the ex! With Valentines day looming and no significant other I wanted to treat myself to something I really enjoy and hide out from all the couples that day lol! I went to a small ski resort a couple of hours away- the snow season has been bad so I figured there wouldn't be many people there, much less valentine's celebrators. At the end of the day I went up to the little bar for a drink and there was a very handsome man (a year younger) sitting there. We started up the usual easy small talk that happens in ski resorts with strangers talking about the day on the mountain. I figured the wife would be coming out of the bathroom any moment.
Anyway, turns out he was single. We hit it off and talked till the bar closed at 7pm. Lots of chemistry and fascinating conversation. Inevitably since we were having so much fun and it was early we wanted it to continue so he invited me to his room. I had a feeling one thing could easily lead to another and I really was not wanting that at this time BUT I really wanted to test out having the talk again- its been 3 years since having to do that when I met the ex. At his room as things got more flirty and we kissed a few times I went ahead and moved forward with the "talk". He fell silent and had a strange look on his face and I was like oh shit brace yourself!! So I said "it looks like you might have some questions or thoughts on this". He replied with, "well... don't a lot of people have this?". That was a great segue into talking about the stats, and he was really curious. I personally have never gotten really into giving stats on it because I feel like I don't want to minimize or try to convince someone, I prefer they then go do their research. But he was very interested in learning more. Then he kept telling me how amazing I am for caring and disclosing. He couldn't get over my "honesty" and found it super attractive!
We talked more about the prospect of getting physical in the future and he was very open to it, including this night but I was adamant that I wasn't about to take the risk outside of a serious relationship without a condom. He was actually bummed about that because where we were there was no chance of finding a condom! He told me how much he enjoyed spending the evening with me and still wanted to spend the night together talking and kissing and cuddling. So we did! I did have to "talk him down" a few times because at one point he was like "I don't care" but I am well aware this was the heat of the moment talking and he thanked me for being the level headed one.
It was a wonderful way to spend my first Valentine's day single. We met up on the mountain a few times the next day and exchanged numbers. Unfortunately I know it won't go anywhere as he is extremely fresh out of a bad divorce/long unhappy marriage and a nightmarish rebound relationship so getting involved with someone on a serious level is the furthest thing on his mind right now and I've learned to protect myself from people who are in that place. But it did give me much needed practice and confidence on having the talk again!
LoveTheMountains - great story, glad you had a good experience!! AND girl get some condoms, A couple different sizes even, LOL!! Carry them with you, you never know!☺️
Unfortunately one of my date was not a hit and it made me think even more about the guy that rejected me. I just still can’t stop thinking about him every bloody day. We meant to be meeting today to discuss things but not to my surprise he did not text to confirm it. Eh.. I’m not very positive I will ever find someone. Do you guys ever considered not disclosing?
@LoveTheMountains, great Vday story! I’m glad you got out and enjoyed yourself.
@monika, I’ve entertained the thought of not disclosing as I’ve heard and read of plenty that don’t. People getting married and having kids and never disclosing. For me, I’d much rather disclose than face the wrath if they found out later. The guy I was seeing when I found out..I told him immediately after the nurse called with my results. He flipped out and said some very negative things to me. That was 4 months ago and while there are others interested in me I don’t want to have that conversation just yet. Eventually I will put myself out there again and will work on my disclosure speech in the meantime. I definitely will disclose when I think the situation is heading into something solid. How long have you had the virus?
@monika, sorry to hear your date did not go well. So just to clarify, are you saying the date did not go well and that made you think of your ex? Or you had a disclosure with your date and it didn't go well? If you are referring to having a bad date in general and it making you miss the guy that rejected you I can totally relate. Every time I had a bad date in the last 9-10 months since my broken engagement (either they were jerks, or looked nothing like their photos in a really bad way, or had really poor social skills through the date, etc) I end up feeling miserable and wishing I was with my ex (even though I have really really good reasons to never want this!) and have come super close to trying to reconnect after a bad date. I think its just a knee jerk reaction to that awful feeling of despair after a terrible date when your not quite healed from someone else. Instead of reaching out to my ex (thank god) I keep a bunch of books handy by the bed that I find helpful, just motivational and self help favorites- and grab any one and start reading. And read till that anxiety starts going away.
As for not disclosing, I personally can't do that. And over the past 20 years of having it at least 2 long term relationship partners did get it from me eventually. I can't imagine what that would feel like if I hadn't told him and they went into the relationship willingly- there was enough guilt for me as it was.
I know you are not feeling positive about meeting someone and I definitely go there regularly myself. For me it is rarely if ever about having H because I have found most people are accepting, for me my fears revolve more about how dating options change for women after a certain age (see my original post at top), and just general changes in society about commitment these days (being at an age where lots of people are divorced and wanting nothing to do with settling down again as one example). However, the past few weeks have started to make me more optimistic on the age part. As for societal changes on commitment, I am trying to focus on the stories I hear of people who are finding the "one".
Similar to MakingIt; I'm wondering how long you've had herpes? I know it took me until my 30's, so over a decade to really accept it and not feel H is such as obstacle (but there was so much less support and forums and info back then). We're so lucky to have all this access to support now!
My date was a nice guy but I just didn’t feel any connection or spark. I didn’t disclose H to him. I was sitting there talking to him and just think oh dear.. then things just got worse because I started thinking about my ex and today is the day when we meant to meet and try and talk but he did not text to confirm today and to be honest I’m not surprised. He said he really liked me and can’t stop thinking about me but he just can’t do it because what if we split up and he gets it from me. I had few moments thinking should I text him but I know deep down it’s pointless. I just feel like I lost something really big and I will never be happy again. I was waiting so long for him to come along just to lose him so quick. I’m still in big shock to be honest.
I had my first outbreak last year and on meds since. Did not date anyone because I just did not meet anybody that would interest me until.. Not mentioned that this rejection happened week before my 40 and in time when I was changing jobs. So had shitty bday time and I can’t be even bother to start my new job. It’s so sad all this. I feel destroyed.
Awww big hugs @monika!! I know how you feel because the guy I was dating when I found out was special to me. He said repeatedly that I was “the one” and I was starting to feel the same way. It was great and when I went in for my annual exam I casually asked for STD testing to sort of get that out of the way should he and I decided to go without condoms. Time stopped when the nurse called and told me I tested positive for the antibodies associated with HSV2. Couldn’t believe it and wanted to let him know immediately thinking we’d work thru it. Boy was I wrong because his response was downright hurtful and nasty. Totally took me by surprise so now I’m dealing with the fact that I have this virus and the fact that he walked away so fast. I’m only 4 months into knowing I have H so I’m just taking my time and educating myself. Like you, the ex still crosses my mind in a good and bad way but I’m sure with time that will go away. Keep your head up lady. There are several success stories on here and reading them gives me hope!!
Thank you @MakingIT2017 !! I really appreciate this support. I know I have to move on and I thought I was but now it seems like things getting worse. Grrrr I’m angry with myself because I’m allowi myself to be this weak!!! And I don’t want to!!!
I’m sorry to hear about your ex being nasty to you. This is so unfair. We have never asked to get this bloody virus. I’m don’t like the H situation at all and I’m still confused about this. My friend is keep telling me I should just forget about it because it’s nothing and almost everyone have it. But then how should I feel ok with this when I got rejected because of this nothing. And for the rest of my life I will have to disclose this nothing? I even recently found out the test I had it done last year came negative and now I asked for blood test which they making big fuss about because they reckon is not needed and expensive so they very rarely do it. I’m going to clinic again on Tuesday so need to convince the doctor to let me have this test. I just need this to see if and what type I have and move on. I don’t even have a problem to stay on meds for the rest of my life. I always looked after myself and never had any serious health problem and now this so called nothing try and ruin my life.
I was even thinking should I next time just disclose very early so at least I’m not wasting my time. But the not disclosing still crossings my mind but I know it’s something I would struggle with and would bug me all the time.
Are you on meds? Or any supplements? X
H is not not NOTHING. It is a very real and uncomfortable, unpredictable and ugly societal stigma. Easy to to have cold sores on a mouth but not on genital. Welcome to humans inability to be reasonable. I know I avoided H of any kind and so when I got it, I was shocked too. I'm not a get a round type even if I love good fun sex. I packed condoms and didn't meet one guy who carried his own. I lectured my gf's on it - and here I'm the one who got it.
Also, H can be very bad for those with compromised immune systems or other immuno related diseases. H can assist as a passage way for HPV if the high risk type and cause greater issues with cancers (vaginal, ovarian, anal). H can disseminate in rare cases if you have to be on steroids or other immuno-suppressant drugs for any amount of time. Dissemination is equal to very ugly cancers.
SO - it is a big deal to have it. However, it is not the end of the world. Love the stories here as I've yet to feel well enough after 4 months to even get off myself without causing an BO. But I'm learning here, so keep up the honest pros and cons... and I look forward to sharing my story one day.....need to brush up on my statistics!
Take care lovely ladies... keep rockin Life and Relationships!
@Sunset The studies I've seen indicate very high rates of genital herpes infection but extremely low rates of diagnosis. In the U.S., 40% of autopsies indicate infection with HSV2, but only 2-3% of those people had been diagnosed with genital herpes. And this excludes genital HSV1. There are demographics in which HSV2 rates reach 70-80% with a slim minority aware they are infected. OTOH, some who know they are infected do have symptoms bad enough to affect their quality of life and/or psychological turmoil related to the stigma. So I agree it isn't nothing, yet it is extremely common and usually nothing, especially when people are unaware they are infected and therefore not subject to the stigma.
There are many other lifetime viruses like this that cause major problems for a minority of people yet are very common and usually no problem at all. What seems to be different with genital herpes (even when it is HSV1 which is rarely stigmatized when the infection is oral) is the stigma associated with known infections. I wonder if this will change if awareness grows about how many people have this unknowingly (exponentially more than those who know they have it). I think that did happen with HPV over time.
Optimist - thank you for upate on stats - lots of info to take in.
I agree that H is not a big deal for the majority, I just want folks to be sure to practice safe sex if they have it REGARDLESS of how bad it is or is not for them. We never know how another's body may or may not react to said disease.
As for HPV - the only reason it is not a bigger deal is that it use to be called a loose woman's disease back in the 60-70's per an ex nurse friend. HPV was about women being responsible for spreading her legs. Vaccines for it were fought Hard but finally Reasoning minds won out. Now, boys can too be vaccinated. The issue I have is that only Women carry the burden, unless gay anal sex and men get anal cancer from HPV - only reason we ever really know they have it. It causes throat cancer in some (see Michael Douglas) so HPV is very real and very dangerous to the small few. Thus when my doc didn't even think to tell me I had it I had a few words to say. As in my case, in less than 2 years it took advantage of my compromised immune system and here I have cervical dysplasia and if not stay better I am having cervix, uterus and ovaries removed. Why leave shit in if only vulnerable to HPV and HSV evil cancers given the right moment to strike?
So again - not the end of the world, just like most diseases, however, H should always carry high respect. I would never be saying so if I were not the one person that cannot yet seem to fight even HPV whereas most just do. It's all about awareness and not spreading.
In due time I'll put my face out there on HPV, HSV and PSC and Rosacea.... My life is shortened now and best I step up and fight for what I know and what most take for granted (understandably so)!
That said - can't wait to date, see how conversations go and oooh la la, just to feel a warm body in my bed. All in due time ladies - we are So Very Worth it!
@Sunset I think awareness of the pervasiveness of HPV grew when the vaccine needed to be aggressively marketed. The vaccine is recommended for 11-12 year old boys and girls and lots of parents were resistant, thinking they would essentially be green lighting promiscuity. In marketing the vaccine, all strains were lumped under the umbrella term HPV, whether they potentially caused cancer or not, and it was emphasized that most people contract "HPV" within a couple years of becoming sexually active. They didn't break it down into different strains and locations as they do with HSV which likely would have been less effective, IMHO. The same could potentially be done with HSV, explaining that 80% of the adult population has it without getting into the types and locations, but there has yet to be a reason to do that. In fact, there has only been a reason to do the opposite in that there has been an effort to normalize oral herpes but make people fearful of genital herpes.
@monika, no I’m not on any AVs yet. I don’t get blisters at all unless they are internal. I do, however, have bouts of itchiness down there that gets on my nerves at times. I recently started taking Azo yeast tablets and they have done wonders for the itchiness! I used to mix tea tree oil with coconut oil and apply to my vagina which also helped with the itching. I take Lysine in the mor morning and Apple Cider Vinegar before I eat breakfast and again before bed but I’ve been doing that for years. When I decide to start dating my plan is to start taking AVs on a daily basis especially if he’s negative since I have no idea when the virus is active.
As far as that guy is concerned don’t bother reaching out. Just move forward with your life and if he wants to talk then he will contact you. He says he can’t deal with the virus so there’s nothing more to talk about IMO. I don’t talk to the guy I was seeing when I was diagnosed. No contact since October when I found out. It totally sucked at first but I’m much better now. We will find love again...just stay in the race!!
@Sunset, I was the same way with the condoms!! I always had some on me just in case they don’t which most didn’t!! I also knew of others (guys) that had it but thought that I was safe with my partners as long as we had condoms. Never even heard of viral shedding or contracting H1 from oral sex until I was diagnosed with H2 and started researching the virus. I also miss that warm body in my bed!! Ugh!! But I’m gonna take my time and scene them a lot better when I start dating.
MakingIt2017 - it is a bit boggling isn't it. I still shake my head that I have it - but - here we are. One woman said on here, just offer up cuddle time and not ready for sex to start. That seems hard to do as I know if I'm hot and bothered, I'd have a hard time just cuddling. Never been a friend cuddler just for that reason.... I've never met a dude OK just to cuddle. But, that's me!
HPV is now recommended up to age 27 actually by more forward thinking docs. It also is in trials to see of the vaccine can help with those infected with the high risk types that do get complications. My doc is already being primed by me if I continue to have cervical issues come June that I want to try the vaccine - not that I need her permission. From here, I'd make sure I get approved for total hysterectomy... over HPV and HSV. Yep, it can go that badly for some.
There are over 100 types of HPV, most just not a big deal
Low risk are the warts - genital or not and are part of the vaccine 6 & 11.
High risk are the cancers - 16 and 18 are part of vaccine.
"High-risk HPV strains include HPV 16 and 18, which cause about 70% of cervical cancers. Other high-risk HPV viruses include 31, 33, 45, 52, 58, and a few others. Low-risk HPV strains, such as HPV 6 and 11, cause about 90% of genital warts, which rarely develop into cancer."
I don't have have either 16 or 18 high risk but still have cervical issues, even though 16 and 18 are typically associated with cervical cancers and the vaccine covers these two.
The point is I'm prime example that HPV matters and testing for it is important for women to do at pap smear if you've ever been sexually active.
HPV is spread orally and genitally - just doesn't carry the same infectious rate as HsV1 & HsV2 as it's not as visible, uncomfortable or obviously socially unacceptable - thus Men are not tested and still cannot be even though they spread it the most. Just like they do with HSV. Like it or not, it that were different, treatment would be different.
I just promote greater awareness, testing of ALL STDS regardless of cost annually if sexually active. And get DETAILS of your STD. It matters if HsV1 or HsV2. It Matters why type of HPV. It could save even your own life even though most don't see Std's as life threatening. They can be and are if the stars align.
OK - back to great chat on Sex with H!.... can't wait... lol....
@monika:
What you mentioned as feeling like you were moving on from the guy who rejected you and then now feeling like things have gotten worse - those are just "relapses". You inch forward healing and then fall back again- totally natural progression of any kind of healing/recovery process. Remind yourself that emotional relapse is normal during the dark times. I read a couple of things recently that I screenshot with my phone...one says "just when I thought everything was falling apart...it was actually falling together" and "the best went out it thru". Sometimes you have to sit with your pain just a little longer to really get over it.
In reference to some of the other discussion on here, I don't feel like H is a "big deal" in my life (not talking about people with health complications, as I understand it can be). And I regularly meet people who have WAY more serious issues in health, life drama, relationships, legal, etc. that make me feel so sorry and compassionate for them and fortunate I "only" have H.
With that said I don't agree when people try to make it not a big deal to those they disclose to because I feel it is very easy to transmit. Heck you don't even need to have sex. There's a reason people are getting it everyday; its easy to get! In fact every time I disclose I don't tell them the risk is small with condoms or antivirals; I straight out say - "you need to be aware that getting this is a realistic possibility". Often I feel like I have to drive that point home because people can be somewhat in denial or dismissive about it when I disclose so I really want to cover my bases and make sure they don't feel I manipulated the situation. And I think that approach worked in terms of putting the responsibility for deciding to move forward in their hands, because in the 2 situations where I passed it on I felt so horrible and both people were like "don't be, I knew what I was doing when I took that risk" and there were never hard feelings about it.
I mentioned earlier that in 20 years I know I have passed it twice. The first was a relationship in which we used condoms every single time the entire year and then he got it (not on the area protected by the condom of course). The 2nd was my now ex fiancé; he did not want to use condoms ever so I got on Valtrex and 2 years later he got it. So even with precautions, its so passible.
Oh, and @monika; I don't disclose right off the bat (though I admire those who can!) but I usually do after the 2nd or 3rd date when I can tell that the potential for both ME really liking them is there AND them really liking me. I don't want to get more emotionally involved without that disclosure in place- too risky on my heart! I did disclose to the guy at the ski resort within hours of meeting him (mentioned in an earlier post), but it was more experimental; for some reason I was feeling empowered, brave and bold (and sexy too lol). I hope that's a sign of things to come in how I feel when I disclose in the future because I am usually very nervous beforehand. This felt amazing beforehand....weird!
@Sunset, not trying to change the course of this great thread but you’ve talked extensively about HPV. I have a 20 y/o daughter and when she was maybe 12 or 13 they started pushing the HPV vaccine at her appts. I refused them because I didn’t know much about it and thought it was just another way for them to get money. She’s not a virgin any longer as of 2 years ago but she’s also not sexually active. Did I mess up by not allowing her to get that vaccine years ago? She had her annual pap last November and was fine. I’m just interested in your thoughts on that.
Ok, for the ladies that have disclosed and have had sex since their diagnosis...is receiving oral sex going to be a thing of the past?? I thoroughly enjoy receiving oral sex but can’t imagine a man wanting to go there after I’ve disclosed. Gahhh!!
@MakingIT2017 Your daughter can discuss the vaccine with her doctor. A new one that covers 9 strains came out a few years ago. It could protect against any of the nine strains she has not yet contracted.
As for oral sex, I haven't encountered an issue with this. Most people with oral HSV1 kiss their partners. This is really no different.
I have a lot to add to this discussion - but first need to say - @Sunset - I am right there with you - there is no snuggling!! Many times my sex drive is much higher than the men I am with. Many years ago, I actually got pissed when a guy I had been with before drank so much he "just wanted to snuggle!" I left his house, such a bitch!! OMG! I probably scared him for life!!
I have said I like younger men, this is part of it, I have a high sex drive and most men my age can't keep up.
I was just diagnosed with HSV at the New Year 2018, so far just waiting out my 3 months before I consider having sex. I have been on an emotional roller coaster! Today is a good day!! Just got home, spent the weekend with my daughter in California. I have had so many emotional breakthroughs this last week and Have a lot to add on the Gardisil Vaccine. (Did not have my daughter vaccinated, please research, very dangerous!!) You will hear more from me soon!!
@MakingIt2017
In reference to oral sex; for the most part my experience is the men who like giving oral sex still want to (and REALLY want to) and the one's who aren't into it to begin with stay that way. One of my earlier long-term relationships was very willing but I was so squeamish about having herpes after a couple of times I stopped letting him. Another serious relationship was with a guy who wouldn't give oral but it turned out he was a taker not a giver both physically and emotionally and I got out of that one quick. And for the ex-fiancé oral was like his favorite thing in the world- I always wondered how it didn't bother him but he loved doing this.
Oh and need to correct a typo on an inspirational quote I wrote earlier, it should read "sometimes the best way out is through".
Random thought...today was a rough day emotionally. I can't put my finger on it. Its happened a lot the past year. I left an engagement with a narcissist and I know psychologically that takes a lot of healing. I keep feeling like maybe I'm struggling with my age and self esteem though I can't pin point why???? I feel like the women in my family get more attractive with age. I've done some amazing things professionally and I've taken big risks every 4-5 years to leave work and so some amazing things personally. Experienced tons of personal growth in my 30's. Picked myself up several times after relationships with people who were intentionally harmful....lots of reasons to feel good self worth but something is really bothering me. I try to think if its herpes and being single again, but don't think it is. I really think it has to do with turning 40 and being single but just don't know. If anyone has experience with this and can share insight....
Oh I'll add that of the 4 different dates I've been on in the past 2 weeks all have disclosed struggling deeply in some way emotionally and feeling lost (all are late 30's early 40's) so this is another reason I'm wondering about the age component.
I really hope this is not something I'm going to continue to struggle with each passing year. Anyway, its been one of those days....
I don't think oral will be enough for me!!
There are some videos on relationships with a narcissist - the way they manipulate and control their partner. Might be good to watch so you understand what you are feeling.
Today I am glad I am not in a relationship! Last night I slipped & hit my forehead. Left me a bit loopy, black eye & swollen forehead. At least no one will think I am in an abusive relationship.
Need to get ready for work, can't seem to get moving!
Enjoying this discussion and all of the comments!
Read posts again - I think I might be really nervous about allowing someone to give me oral sex. I know they say HSV-2 rarely passes to the mouth/face, but what if it did!?! Hard to hide that OB!!
@PresentMoment
So here's the good news about oral HSV2...
- It's uncommon, even though tons of people have HSV2, most don't know it, and most engage in oral sex without barriers
- If someone contracts oral HSV2 and has a noticeable initial outbreak, it is visually indistinguishable from oral HSV1
- After the initial outbreak, oral HSV2 is unlikely to cause recurring outbreaks (significantly less likely to recur than oral HSV1)
- Average asymptomatic shedding of oral HSV2 is 25 times less than average shedding for oral HSV1 (1% vs. 25%)
- Once someone contracts oral HSV2, if they don't contract genital HSV2 during the same encounter (which can happen), and if they do not infect themselves genitally while antibodies are still building (possible but rare), they are then largely immune to ever contracting genital HSV2 or even HSV1 for that matter, if they don't already have HSV1
Good to know! Thank you!!
I started a new discussion- HPV Vaccine. Looking forward to hearing from you ladies!
Optimist, LoveTheMountains, and Username - I have learned a lot from all of you! You are helping me adjust to my diagnosis!!
Thanks for the responses about receiving oral sex. I also would feel nervous about it and wonder if he’s thinking about H while he’s down there!! I guess if he’s going to be ok with intimacy after I disclose it would include everything that he’d normally do under normal circumstances.
Yep! Just know the first time I have oral I am probably not going to relax and enjoy!! What if he looked up and his face looked like my poor Kitty looked on my first OB!! That is my fear!! LOL!!
@PresentMoment Do you think you would feel this way about kissing a man who told you he once had a cold sore, or a man who said he gets colds sores a couple times a year?
@MakingIT2017 @PresentMoment Also, FWIW, I have HSV2 and I have two men in my life who love performing oral on me, as well as two former lovers who offer this regularly and I decline because they are former lovers for a reason. All four know I have HSV2. As @LoveTheMountains speculated, it seems men who love it will likely still love it and men who aren't into will continue to not be into it. I had one lover who wasn't into it and he happened to have HSV2 himself, so that was clearly not the issue. Edit to add: When I performed oral on the partner who knew he had HSV2, his HSV status never crossed my mind.
@Optimist
Thanks for the stats on oral and HSV, I never really thought about it other than as another risk factor. This is good info to know!
@MakingIt2017
Back in my early days of this a loooong time ago I definitely allowed myself to be okay with at least 2 different partners who were squeamish, (not to mention treated me in ever so subtle but negative ways after I disclosed). NEVER AGAIN. They both did a number on me emotionally. Heck, one went from wanting a serious relationship and taking me out on wonderful dates, then I disclosed and suddenly he wanted lots of booty calls and emotionally disconnected sex and nothing more. Sadly I allowed that for a month before I was like WTF? I still think that was weird because I read about non-H people afraid to move forward sexually because what if the relationship doesn't work out...well this was one was like; you're not relationship material because you have herpes but I'm going to screw you as much as I can. And I think I felt like i had to accept what I got because, you know I was diseased/flawed/damaged. I think I spent all of my 20's in that state of mind. I was even in a 7 year relationship that should have ended years prior but I recall thinking who else will want me. Then having a few great guys being so open and accepting and very much into me sexually I realized I was not "damaged" goods. Now when I disclose I typically give them a "waiting period" to think things over (something I found I have to enforce because they have immediately said "I still want to be with you"! But if after giving a few days to think about it if a guy who accepts me starts having issues with it I now know I would end it immediately. It hasn't happened anymore but I'm in a better place on not letting someone string me along like that.
Unfortunately one of my dates was not a hit and it made me think even more about the guy that rejected me. I just still can't stop thinking about him every day.
My date was a nice guy but I just didn't feel any connection or spark. I was sitting there talking to him and just thinking oh dear... then things just got worse because I started thinking about my ex. He said he really liked me and can't stop thinking about me but he just can't do it because what if we split up and he gets it from me. I had a few moments thinking should I text him but I know deep down it's pointless. I just feel like I lost something really big and I will never be happy again. I was waiting so long for him to come along just to lose him so quick. I'm still in big shock to be honest.
I had my first outbreak last year and on meds since. Did not date anyone because I just did not meet anybody that would interest me until... Not to mention that this rejection happened the week before my 40th and while I was changing jobs. So had a rough birthday and I can't even be bothered to start my new job. It's so sad all this. I feel destroyed.
Big hugs Monika! I know how you feel because the guy I was dating when I found out was special to me. He said repeatedly that I was "the one" and I was starting to feel the same way. It was great and when I went in for my annual exam I casually asked for STD testing to sort of get that out of the way should he and I decide to go without condoms. Time stopped when the nurse called and told me I tested positive for the antibodies associated with HSV2. Couldn't believe it and wanted to let him know immediately thinking we'd work through it. Boy was I wrong because his response was downright hurtful and nasty. Totally took me by surprise so now I'm dealing with the fact that I have this virus and the fact that he walked away so fast. I'm only 4 months into knowing I have H so I'm just taking my time and educating myself. Like you, the ex still crosses my mind in a good and bad way but I'm sure with time that will go away. Keep your head up lady. There are several success stories on here and reading them gives me hope!
Monika, what you mentioned about feeling like you were moving on from the guy who rejected you and then now feeling like things have gotten worse — those are just "relapses". You inch forward healing and then fall back again — totally natural progression of any kind of healing/recovery process. Remind yourself that emotional relapse is normal during the dark times. Sometimes you have to sit with your pain just a little longer to really get over it.
I don't feel like H is a "big deal" in my life. And I regularly meet people who have WAY more serious issues in health, life drama, relationships, legal, etc. that make me feel so fortunate I "only" have H.
With that said I don't agree when people try to make it not a big deal to those they disclose to because I feel it is very easy to transmit. In fact every time I disclose I don't tell them the risk is small with condoms or antivirals; I straight out say — "you need to be aware that getting this is a realistic possibility". Often I feel like I have to drive that point home because people can be somewhat in denial or dismissive about it when I disclose so I really want to cover my bases and make sure they don't feel I manipulated the situation. And I think that approach worked in terms of putting the responsibility for deciding to move forward in their hands, because in the 2 situations where I passed it on both people were like "don't be, I knew what I was doing when I took that risk" and there were never hard feelings about it.
In 20 years I know I have passed it twice. The first was a relationship in which we used condoms every single time the entire year and then he got it (not on the area protected by the condom of course). The 2nd was my now ex fiancé; he did not want to use condoms ever so I got on Valtrex and 2 years later he got it. So even with precautions, it's so passable.
I don't disclose right off the bat (though I admire those who can!) but I usually do after the 2nd or 3rd date when I can tell that the potential for both of us really liking each other is there. I don't want to get more emotionally involved without that disclosure in place — too risky on my heart!
In reference to oral sex: for the most part my experience is the men who like giving oral sex still want to (and REALLY want to) and the ones who aren't into it to begin with stay that way. One of my earlier long-term relationships was very willing but I was so squeamish about having herpes after a couple of times I stopped letting him. Another serious relationship was with a guy who wouldn't give oral but it turned out he was a taker not a giver both physically and emotionally and I got out of that one quick. And for the ex-fiancé, oral was like his favorite thing in the world — I always wondered how it didn't bother him but he loved doing this.
Back in my early days of this a long time ago I definitely allowed myself to be okay with at least 2 different partners who were squeamish, not to mention treated me in ever so subtle but negative ways after I disclosed. NEVER AGAIN. They both did a number on me emotionally. Heck, one went from wanting a serious relationship and taking me out on wonderful dates, then I disclosed and suddenly he wanted lots of booty calls and emotionally disconnected sex and nothing more. I think I felt like I had to accept what I got because, you know, I was diseased/flawed/damaged. I think I spent all of my 20's in that state of mind. I was even in a 7 year relationship that should have ended years prior but I recall thinking who else will want me. Then having a few great guys being so open and accepting and very much into me sexually I realized I was not "damaged" goods. Now when I disclose I typically give them a "waiting period" to think things over. If after giving a few days to think about it, if a guy who accepts me starts having issues with it I now know I would end it immediately.
So here's the good news about oral HSV2...
It's uncommon, even though tons of people have HSV2, most don't know it, and most engage in oral sex without barriers.
If someone contracts oral HSV2 and has a noticeable initial outbreak, it is visually indistinguishable from oral HSV1.
After the initial outbreak, oral HSV2 is unlikely to cause recurring outbreaks (significantly less likely to recur than oral HSV1).
Average asymptomatic shedding of oral HSV2 is 25 times less than average shedding for oral HSV1 (1% vs. 25%).
Once someone contracts oral HSV2, if they don't contract genital HSV2 during the same encounter (which can happen), and if they do not infect themselves genitally while antibodies are still building (possible but rare), they are then largely immune to ever contracting genital HSV2 or even HSV1 for that matter, if they don't already have HSV1.
I have HSV2 and I have two men in my life who love performing oral on me, as well as two former lovers who offer this regularly and I decline because they are former lovers for a reason. All four know I have HSV2. As LoveTheMountains speculated, it seems men who love it will likely still love it and men who aren't into it will continue to not be into it. I had one lover who wasn't into it and he happened to have HSV2 himself, so that was clearly not the issue.
I don't think I have ever kissed a man that I knew had cold sores. I am sure I have though because I have kissed many, just never knew. I think it is a fear of passing it to someone else. I am recently diagnosed, waiting my 3 months to hopefully have less viral shedding before I get back out there. My hesitation about oral is about my fear of infecting someone else, not what the other person would want to do to me.
I actually cut off contact with a man after my diagnosis. We had never been together but had a lot of dirty talk. He would talk about oral and I think with my concerns it was just too much.
I am very excited. My friend has fixed me up with a really quality guy. Age appropriate, educated, executive. We are supposed to get together the weekend of March 10th. He has seen a picture of me, thinks I'm pretty. I have seen pictures of him — not the young guys I have messed around with lately, but attractive. We have not talked, prefer to do that in person. If I am interested, I am going to take it slow, build an emotional connection before I disclose.
The timing of this was perfect — I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This gives me something to look forward to, even if it doesn't manifest into a relationship. So I have two weeks to "get my shit together!"
After my initial diagnosis I was so upbeat — after my STD testing and further research on HSV, I went to the dark side!
Hope I am past that! I will keep you updated — hope you all find your special guy!
That's great PresentMoment! I love looking forward to meeting someone new. I hope you get to process some of the stuff you're dealing with between now and then and are able to have a great time on the date regardless of the outcome. I am trying to pull back after the whirlwind of dates and unexpected men in my life the last two weeks. I realized two things: one I need to heal from the narcissist ex-fiancé or I risk involving myself with another person like that easily since I'm still feeling vulnerable, and two the flurry of recent men (all age appropriate and mostly nice/good guys) has made me feel that yes, I can still meet a great person... I just need to get myself back to a good place again before I do that.
With that said I have a coffee date that popped up before I could get my online dating profile hidden and an unexpected reconnection with a man in the herpes community that I went out with on a friendly but promising get-together about 5 years ago. I have actually never met anyone who didn't just want a fling on H dating sites so I've never dated in our "club". We'll see how this goes.
I'm 41 and have had type 2 for 2-3 years and known for 2 years. I've had some very negative reactions and some that were initially ok with it but I think then kinda changed their minds and ghosted. I just started talking to someone new last week and we went on a date on Friday and Sunday. We have so much in common including our age. He has never been married and doesn't have any kids. Sometimes I think maybe a guy that has been single and dating for 20+ years may have some experience with this or may have it versus perhaps a recently divorced guy. I haven't told him yet and he's pretty respectful so I think I can push off sex for a while and let him get to know me. He has told me that I'm everything he has been looking for but I say well we are still getting to know each other.
I'm just hoping since he seems so nice and into me that when I do tell him it will go positively.
Glad to hear you are out there enjoying the dating scene, albeit nervously! I've gotten to where I hold off sex longer than I used to and spend plenty of quality time trying to get to know someone and what they are really about for reasons having nothing to do with herpes! People's motives, personalities, skeletons in the closets, etc are all over the map these days and it pays to just take the time and get to know someone, plus I really enjoy quality dating and have found some guys do too. Wish I had dated like this when I was much younger. There's something a little more serene and at ease in my dating life these days.
I recently went on 3 dates with a guy I was certain I would be having the talk with. Glad I got to date 3... certain aspects of his personality started to show through the cracks and he is not someone I'd really like to spend more time with. Well it was fun while it lasted and I didn't have to deal with any disclosure drama on someone who wasn't right for me.
Keep us posted on how it goes — good or bad, we're here to support you!
53 here and back out there. Met a guy and although it turns out he too is H2 positive, I'm finding that although I'm glad we had sex sooner — had to see if I could! And I can! — again, there are some quirks coming up 5 weeks in and only 4 dates in.
That said, I'm with LoveTheMountains — it's kinda interesting to wait on having sex. There was a man in my life for years and I just broke it off with him yesterday. Don't know if he gave me H or not but things have been so off and on that I finally was like, who cares — I'm out and moving on as he isn't ready for more. All good and well, one more H talk avoided.
Don't know — just gotta keep putting it out there and see what bites... and hopefully in a sweet fine way if you know what I mean.
I was diagnosed in January 2017 when my then boyfriend asked for testing (he didn't test for HSV). I was 41 at the time. We only lasted a few months. I went over a year without even wanting to date and then I did reach out and try with someone I met last year. I thought he was perfect and we made plans for my birthday to meet up. Well thanks to my period I let him know that we would not be having sex. He then blew me off and ghosted which sent me into a "what the hell is wrong with me" week and subsequent outbreak.
It has to get better right? This site has been so supportive and I have read some great success stories. I just hope for all of us that it's not the end of the world because I certainly feel like it is.
Hello girls, I am two weeks into my diagnosis and everyday gets a little better. Meditating and praying my fanny off! I too feel the age issue as I am 39 and still would like to have a kid. Right now I am trying to read as much as possible and of course my biggest fear is rejection. I wore a really sexy outfit to try help me feel attractive again. The second day after my diagnosis I thankfully had signed up for a yoga retreat and wept a good bit. I realized then when I was praying that acceptance was the key. From myself and others. However, the sharp agonizing fear of rejection and judgment keeps bubbling up. Any tips on how to work through this? Thank you all for sharing and grateful to have found this forum.
It's been awhile since I posted to this thread. Just got on here to share a successful disclosure that happened yesterday (and some really good sex — I feel like I'm blushing as I write this!). I had kinda laid low on the dating scene back in March due to realizing I still have quite a few unresolved issues from a break up with someone I was engaged to last year as well a lot going on in my life that was a priority over dating.
Anyway, a co-worker 10 years younger has been flirting with me for months. Since I was in my "me-time" zone I was really oblivious to his advances until he point blank asked me to hang out. Actually still somewhat oblivious while hanging out until he actually kissed me! For the record this is not someone I want to have a serious relationship with due to clear maturity differences and goals/stages we are at in life. Anyway, he's super hot, fun, funny, intellectual, and we had a great time making out and talking the first night.
Even though I have finally realized that most if not all of my disclosures are successful on some level, I still get the nervous jitters just before disclosing. I've found that doing it well before things get too heated is so helpful. So as we were talking about whether we should proceed further physically I said "I want to tell you about something, I've had HSV for over 20 years". He listened to me explain my situation. He said he heard it was only passable during an outbreak to which I said that is absolutely not true, told him a little about how it passes (shedding, etc), talked about use of condoms and meds to lower the risk but I insisted he be aware it is still a risk. And then he kissed me, said he felt so trusting of me now, and said he felt more than ever he wanted to be physical with me and we couldn't stop after that. He wants to continue to see each other. This has been really nice I have to say!
This is a very nice thread; you can read the ups and downs. What I got from it is that after the initial shock and grieving, however long that takes, it's all about attitude and perspective.
I'm 55 and 4 years in with H2. I've got the rest of my life to live and I'm not going to let it be dictated by a microscopic virus. There are rugs to be cut, art to be made, people to love and hug, and even a worthy few to have sex with. In all, there is too much fun to be had, despite a little rain on the parade!
I would say that it took a few months for me to get through the grief stages. I was lucky in that I was in a long-term relationship with the guy who gave it to me so didn't have to deal too much with thoughts of rejection while trying to come to grips with the physical reality of H. I've come to realize that I am still the same person... worthy of love and a great life.
My partner passed away unexpectedly 18 months ago and now I'm starting to look around. So far I've disclosed once (via text) to what could have been a casual hook up. He didn't really want to play after that, no hard feelings. I wasn't attached so it was pretty easy. And I discovered what a good filter H can be. If the person isn't willing to make the effort, to put the energy into making things work, then that person isn't for me.
Maybe put thoughts of relationships on the back burner for a few months while you get the hang of having H as part of your life. You don't need that stress at the moment. Once you've regained your equilibrium, then go for it!
When some of my other single female friends and I get together (all in our 40s and 50s), we frequently end up talking about guys and wondering where are the good ones. H has very little to do with finding a decent guy. It might add a challenge, but self-confidence seems to overcome a lot of drawbacks.
How long did it take you to get over the initial shock and grief stage? I fear that I may be there for a long time — and being 44 I also feel like time is running out to find that partnership.
I'm struggling because rejection was hard for me before this, and now I can't imagine how it's going to be. A man has to be willing to get a life long virus in order to be intimate with me. I can't imagine anyone wanting to play that game honestly. I feel defeated. And so very sad.
Naw, he has to be willing to take a 1% chance of getting a life long virus over the course of a year of regular sex, which is a chance a lot of guys will take, particularly when they find out how hard it is to transmit when you avoid sex during outbreaks, take antivirals, and use condoms. Just look at this thread!
Also, if you want to ease back into the dating scene before easing into disclosing, check out positivesingles.com. It's a dating site for people with an STI. I don't think anyone with herpes needs to limit themselves to it, but it's a good place to start.
This is an older post I started and I like to dredge it up occasionally because I know there are other ladies out there like me that are often wondering the same thing and might benefit from hearing some positive stories.
I was out of state the last 6 months for a job and did a little bit of casual dating. I did end up having sex with one man. The talk was nothing out of the ordinary.
I am finally thinking about more seriously getting into the dating scene again with the goal of meeting someone to spend some real time with and see where it goes. I've stayed away from anything potentially serious for about 2 years getting over a break up (which had nothing to do with H by the way). Anyway, unfortunately at this time I'm dealing with some serious lung issues that have built up in recent years and doctors have not been able to resolve or manage and it's become really disruptive of my daily life. This has really put into perspective again the fact that herpes is small potatoes compared to other health or life issues. I am WAY more concerned about this health issue and its impact on my life, and about my prospects of being able to find a relationship due to this new health issue (finding someone who is okay with dealing with someone with a chronic, noticeable illness that could impact "our" daily life). So while this is more than a bit of a bummer in my life right now, I hope others will take away the message that there are bigger issues than having herpes!
Hope everyone is doing well out there and would love to hear any updates from anyone!
I'm in my upper 60's. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 6 years ago. I was celibate at the time and hadn't been in an intimate relationship for 20 years so it was a shock to find out I had it.
I disclosed to 2 men, both of them seemed okay with it but then one man ghosted me after 2 times together. I dated the other one for a few months and we became intimate but he had ED and blamed it on the herpes. He begged me for oral sex and proceeded to ask for that every time we got together. I don't want a sex life consisting of only oral sex. At that point there were other incompatibilities between us so I ended it. I fell into a depression about the herpes after these 2 failed relationships and saw a therapist. I came to understand that I shouldn't be physically intimate so soon. I need to take more time to get to know if I'm truly compatible with the man in other areas not just sex.
This brings me to my dilemma... of whether to put myself "out there" to find a romantic partner. Every time I think about doing that, I get stuck on the idea that I have herpes and it's disingenuous to put myself out there like I'm a great catch when I know I have herpes. It's like, how is he going to feel after putting in time and effort with me for a few months only to find out that I have herpes?
People on this forum have told me that I shouldn't be fearful of rejection and that I should stop seeing myself as damaged goods. But that's easier said than done. Being in my upper 60's, I feel most men my age probably prefer a younger woman anyway, so having herpes is not adding to my "desirability".
There are a few success stories on here but they seem to be mostly younger people.
You're so self-aware in sharing all this! It's clear you've done a lot of reflecting on your experiences, and that kind of insight is a big strength.
The first thing I'd say is that the idea of "most men wouldn't date someone with herpes" often comes from a hypothetical, not a real-life scenario. Think about it: If someone were asked, "Would you date someone with herpes?" and they know nothing else about that person, their knee-jerk reaction might be, "No, of course not." But that's not how relationships work. In reality, by the time someone discloses, there's usually already a connection. They know you as a whole person, not just a diagnosis. It's no longer a thought experiment; it's about weighing a real relationship with someone they already know and care about.
Here's the thing — people reject others for all kinds of reasons. Maybe they don't like how someone chews their food, or they disagree about politics, or they just don't click. Herpes doesn't hold a monopoly on rejection. What makes the difference is finding someone who values the full picture of who you are and is willing to have that honest conversation. That's how trust and intimacy are built.
And let's talk about this idea that putting yourself "out there" is disingenuous. It's not. Everyone comes with their own unique challenges. Maybe someone else has a chronic illness, a history of heartbreak, or baggage from past relationships. None of those things disqualify someone from love. Herpes is just one part of your story — it doesn't define your worth or your ability to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
I think your reflection about needing time to assess compatibility before physical intimacy is spot-on. That's true for everyone, herpes or not! It's about building trust and understanding before you dive into deeper conversations or connections. That's where you'll find the guys who are worth your time — the ones who see you as a person, not just a list of pros and cons.
I get it, though. Being in your 60s and dating can feel intimidating. But here's the truth: Your life experience, your insight, and your willingness to connect deeply are huge assets. Men in your age group aren't all looking for younger women. Many are seeking genuine connection, compatibility, and kindness — qualities that you clearly have in abundance.
I encourage you to take small steps, if and when you're ready. Rejection might happen, but it's not a reflection of your value. It's just part of the process of finding the right person who sees all of you and says, "Yes, just what I've been searching for!" And trust me, those people exist. It's not just about being "lucky" — it's about staying open and giving yourself the chance to meet them.
You've got this. One step at a time.
I have had herpes since I was 23 and I am 66 now. I was married for 27 years to a man that did not care that I had herpes and he never acquired it from me. He passed away 5 years ago this March. Since then, I decided to put my herpes status in my dating profile. It has been amazing! The people that aren't interested will keep scrolling. You will be surprised how many people don't care that you have herpes. I had one relationship which was somewhat long distance for almost a year. He did not have herpes and never acquired it from me. We ended the relationship strictly because of the distance between us. I am currently in a relationship with a man who also knew about herpes when I disclosed it in my dating profile. He said as long as I take my meds, he is good with it. He showed me his last STD test prior to dating me. I also showed him mine which indicated that I did have HSV2. He said as long as I take my meds, he's all in! He has never brought it up since. I am 66 years old and he is 65. This relationship has been absolutely amazing. It is possible to find people who are educated on herpes and don't care that you have it.
LoveTheMountains - love your post!! Thank you!! I need to remember to keep strong. We are not damaged goods!! I am going to make a promise to myself - if I am not being treated right - move on!! Thank you so much!!
Ok just a bit of humor - I had surgery 6 years ago to fix my lady bits after delivering a large baby & a previous pelvis injury. I spent 9 years celibate raising my daughter. WTF - I have a new vagina, I should be able to share the love!! Shut down 4 months into my Debutante!!
I have gone from acceptance, to angry, to sad, frustrated, so many emotions!! I hope I have balanced by the end of my 3 month waiting period!!
I am very excited. My friend has fixed me up with a really quality guy. Age appropriate, educated, executive. We are supposed to get together the weekend of 3/10. He has seen a picture of me, thinks I'm pretty. I have seen pictures of him, not the young guys I have messed around with lately, but attractive. We have not talked, prefer to do that in person. If I am interested, I am going to take it slow, build an emotional connection before I disclose.
The timing of this was perfect- I have been on an emotional roller coaster. This gives me something to look forward to, even if it doesn't manifest into a relationship. So I have two weeks to "get my shit together!"
After my initial diagnosis I was so upbeat- after my STD testing and further research on HSV, I went to the dark side!!
Hope I am past that!! I will keep you updated- hope you all find your special guy!!
That's great @PresentMoment! I love looking forward to meeting someone new : ) I hope you get to process some of the stuff you're dealing with between now and then and are able to have a great time on the date regardless of the outcome. Keep us posted! I am trying to pull back after the whirlwind of dates and unexpected men in my life the last two weeks. I realized two things; one I need to heal from the narcissist ex-fiancé or I risk involving myself with another person like that easily since I'm still feeling vulnerable, and two; the flurry of recent men (all age appropriate and mostly nice/good guys) has made me feel that yes, I can still meet a great person...I just need to get myself back to a good place again before i do that. With that said...I have coffee date that popped up before I could get my online dating profile hidden lol and an unexpected reconnection with a man in the herpes community that I went out with on a friendly but promising get-togethers about 5 years ago. I have actually never met anyone who didn't just want a fling on h dating sites so I've never dated in our "club". We'll see how this goes. I had a crush on this guy back then but he chose someone else at the time to pursue and I moved on. I feel nothing anymore but I am looking forward to catching up as friends!
Just adding an update in my life...I feel I have a disclosure coming up soon. Went on a second date last night with the "coffee date" I mentioned in my last comment. It went wonderful and there were genuine sparks (I was just trying to get it over with because he is someone who reached out before I hid my online profile but I went into it thinking its a one and done date haha). We even had unexpected kiss. He wants to get together next week. Hopefully I will be in good condition by that date, as I just posted elsewhere a few minutes ago, I woke up with severe pink eye due to taking prednisone for bronchitis (pred suppresses your immune systems and so it probably allowed HSV to rear up and cause this viral conjunctivitis in my eyes...please see other post for my warning about prednisone!) and look like an alien right now! Anyway, I'm starting to feel jitters about disclosing which must mean I kinda like him. So we'll see how it goes...
LoveTheMountains- good luck, hope all goes well!!
I postponed the introduction to "quality guy" until April. I felt like I had to work on my H issues before we meet. Doing so much better, I will be ready in April!!
PresentMoment; probably a good call if your struggling still! Easier to disclose and handle all outcomes when your own head is in a good place. I feel similar but more regarding getting over the damage the ex did in my head. Who knows I may back out of this one myself as I know I still have more to work on myself! Keep us posted!
I’m 41 and have had type 2 for 2-3 yrs and know for 2 yrs. ive had some very negative reactions and some that were initially ok with it but I think then kinda changed their minds and ghosted. I just started talking to someone new last week and we went on a date on Friday and Sunday. We have so much in common including our age. He has never been married and doesn’t have any kids. Sometimes I think maybe a guy that has been single and dating for 20+ yrs may have some experience with this or may have it versus perhaps a recently divorced guy. I know it could be anyone but my logic is maybe more partners so maybe more likely to have it or meet someone that has it. I havnt told him yet and he’s pretty respectful so I think I can push off sex for a while and let him get to know me. He has told me that Im everything he has been looking for but I say well we are still getting to know each other.
Im just hoping since he seems so nice and into me that when I do tell him it will go positively.
Ugh
@hwomanntexas7
Glad to hear you are out there enjoying the dating scene, albeit nervously! lol I've gotten to where I hold off sex longer than I used to and spend plenty of quality of time trying to get to know someone and what they are really about for reasons having nothing to do with herpes! Peoples' motives, personalities, skeletons in the closets, etc are all over the map these days and it pays to just take the time and get to know someone, plus I really enjoy quality dating and have found some guys do too. Wish I had dated like this when I was much younger. There's something a little more serene and at ease in my dating life these days.
I recently went on 3 dates with a guy I was certain I would be having the talk with, glad I got to date 3... certain aspects of his personality started to show through the cracks and he is not someone I'd really like to spend more time with. Well it was fun while it lasted and I didn't have to deal with any disclosure drama on someone who wasn't right for me.
Keep us posted on how it goes- good or bad, we're here to support you!
53 here and back out there. Met a guy and although turns out he too is H2 positive, I'm finding that although I'm glad we had sex sooner - had to see if I could!!! and I can!!! again - but there are some quirks coming up 5 weeks in and only 4 dates in.
That said, I'm with @LoveTheMountains - it's kinda interesting to wait on having sex. There was a man in my life for years and I just broke it off with him yesterday. Don't know if he gave me H or not but things have been so off and on that I finally was like, who cares - I'm Out and moving on as he isn't ready for more. All good and well, one more H talk avoided.
Don't know - just gotta keep putting it out there and see what bites... and hopefully in a sweet fine way ifn' ya know what I mean. :)
I was diagnosed in jan of 2017 when my then boyfriend asked for testing (he didn't test for hsv) I was 41 at the time. we only lasted a few months. I went over a year without even wanting to date and then I did reach out and try with someone I met last year. I thought he was perfect and we made plans for my bday to meet up. well thanks to my period I let him know that we would not be having sex. he then blew me off and ghosted which sent me into a what the hell is wrong with me week and subsiquent OB, which I have not had since January of this year.
it has to get better right?? this sight has been so supportive and I have read some great success stories. I just hope for all of us that its not the end of the world because I certainly feel like it is ????
But you are now in a decade of life in which 93% of all people your age (40s) have HSV.
@optimist where does this statistic come from? I’m new to all of this— as a single woman in her 40’s, but I’ve not heard a stat this high before. I’d be curious to read more if there is a study or other info for this rate.
thanks!
Hi ladies,
Its been awhile since I posted to this thread. Just got on here to tell share a successful disclosure that happened yesterday (and some really good sex - I feel like I'm blushing as I right this lol!). I, had kinda laid low on the dating scene back in March due to realizing I still have quite a few unresolved issues from a break up with someone I was engaged to last year as well a lot going on in my life that was a priority over dating. I'm still dealing with all of this but definitely seeing light at the end of the tunnel and more recently realized I needed to have some fun in my life again. (BTW I had been making time for fun but kept strictly to stuff that did not involve the opposite sex so I could just remove that option from the table).
Anyway, a co-worker 10 years younger has been flirting with me for months. Since I was in my "me-time" zone I was really oblivious to his advances until he point blank asked me to hang out. Actually still somewhat oblivious while hanging out until he actually kissed me lol! For the record this is not someone I want to have a serious relationship with due to clear maturity differences and goals/stages we are at in life (I'm not opposed to dating younger men but I'm an old soul to begin with so the differences can be very glaring for me with some guys even my own age). Anyway, he's super hot, fun, funny, intellectual, and we had a great time making out and talking the first night. He wanted to have sex then but I'm not big into first date hookups. We have been talking since and yesterday we got together again and things were clearly going to get steamy.
Even though I have finally realized that most if not all of my disclosures are successful on some level, I still get the nervous jitters just before disclosing. I've found that doing it well before things get too heated is so helpful. So as we were talking about whether we should proceed further physically at some point in the future and I said "I want to tell you about something, I've had HSV for over 20 years" . Anyway he listened to me explain my situation. He said he heard it was only passable during an outbreak to which I said that is absolultely not true, told him a little about how it passes (shedding, etc), talked about use of condoms and meds to lower the risk but I insisted he be aware it is still a risk and he could still get it for me. And then kissed me, said he felt so trusting of me now, and said he felt more than ever he wanted to be physical with me and we couldn't stop after that lol. So much for waiting to get intimate in the future! He wants to continue to see each other but in the long run I will be moving and he has his plans too. But this has been really nice I have to say!
Love The Mountains Thx for sharing your the inspiring story!
@Next step
"I really need to hear how life will be sweeter, please send some kind words"
Here ya go! This is a very nice thread; you can read the ups and downs. What I got from it, is that after the initial shock and grieving, however long that takes; it's all about attitude and perspective.
I'm 55 and 4 years in with H2. I've got the rest of my life to live and I'm not going to let it be dictated by a microscopic virus. There are rugs to be cut, art to be made, people to love and hug, and even a worthy few to have sex with. In all, there is too much fun to be had, despite a little rain on the parade!!!
@LotusBudthank you for reaching out . How long did it take you to get over the initial shock and grief stage? I fear that I may be there for a long time - and being 44 i also feel like time is running out to find that partnership .
Hi @Next step
I would say that it took a few months for me to get thru the grief stages. I was lucky in that I was in a long-term relationship with the guy who gave it to me so didn't have to deal too much with thoughts of rejection, etc. while trying to come to grips with the physical reality of H. I imagine it might take longer if you have to deal with both at the same time. I've come to realize that I am still the same person... worthy of love and a great life.
My partner passed away unexpectedly 18 months ago and now I'm starting to look around. So far I've disclosed once (via text) to what could have been a casual hook up. He didn't really want to play after that, no hard feelings. I wasn't attached so it was pretty easy. And I discovered what a good filter H can be. If the person isn't willing to make the effort, to put the energy into making things work, then that person isn't for me.
I haven't tried them yet, but was thinking about checking out the H dating sites. I just hope they are better than the regular ones. ????
Maybe put thoughts of relationships on the back burner for a few months while you get the hang of having H as part of your life. You don't need that stress atm. Once you've regained your equilibrium, then go for it!
When some of my other single female friends and I get together (all in our 40s and 50s), we frequently end up talking about guys and wondering where are the good ones. IMO, H has very little to do with finding a decent guy. It might add a challenge, but self - confidence seems to overcome a lot of drawbacks.
Good Luck!!!
@LotusBud I'm so sorry for your loss.
im struggling because rejection was hard for me before this now I can't imagine how it's going to be . A man had to be willing to get a life long virus in order to be intimate with with me . I can't imagine anyone wanting to play that game honestly . I feel defeated . And so very sad .
@LotusBud I'm so sorry for your loss.
im struggling because rejection was hard for me before this now I can't imagine how it's going to be . A man had to be willing to get a life long virus in order to be intimate with with me . I can't imagine anyone wanting to play that game honestly . I feel defeated . And so very sad .
Naw, he has to be willing to take a 1% chance of getting a life long virus over the course of a year of regular sex, which is a chance a lot of guys will take, particularly when they find out how hard it is to transmit when you avoid sex during outbreaks, take antivirals, and use condoms. Just look at this thread!
Also, if you want to ease back into the dating scene before easing into disclosing, check out postivesingles.com. It's a dating site for people with an STI. I don't think anyone with herpes needs to limit themselves to it, but it's a good place to start.
So this is a an older post I started and I like to dredge it up occasionally because I know there are other ladies out there like me that are often wondering the same thing and might benefit from hearing a some positive stories. Plus I've been offline for awhile and thought I"d pop in and see how life is going for us out there : )
I was out of state the last 6 months for a job and did a little bit of casual dating. I did end up having sex with one man. The talk was nothing out of the ordinary.
I am finally thinking about more seriously getting into the dating scene again with the goal of meeting someone to spend some real time with and see where it goes. I've stayed away from anything potentially serious for about 2 years getting over a break up (which had nothing to do with H btw). Anyway, unfortunately at this time now I'm dealing with some serious lung issues that have built up in recent years and dr's have not been able to resolve or manage and its become really disruptive of my daily life. This has really put into perspective again the fact that herpes is small potatoes compared to other health or life issues. I am WAY more concerned about this health issues and its impact on my life, and about my prospects of being able to find a relationship due to this new health issue (finding someone who is okay with dealing with someone with a chronic, noticeable illness that could impact "our" daily life). So while this is more than a bit of a bummer in my life right now, I hope others will take away the message that there are bigger issues than having herpes!
Hope everyone is doing well out there and would love to hear any updates from anyone!
Hi, I'm in my upper 60's. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 6 yrs ago. I was celibate at the time and hadn't been in an intimate relationship for 20 yrs so it was a shock to find out I had it.
I disclosed to 2 men, both of them seemed okay with it but then one man ghosted me after 2 times together. I dated the other one for a few months and we became intimate but he had ED and blamed it on the herpes. He begged me for oral sex and proceeded to ask for that every time we got together. I don't want a sex life consisting of only oral sex. At that point there were other incompatibilities between us so I ended it. I fell into a depression about the herpes after these 2 failed relationships and saw a therapist. I came to understand that I shouldn't be physically intimate so soon. I need to take more time to get to know if I'm truly compatible with the man in other areas not just sex.
I haven't dated romantically since then but I have 2 platonic male friends. One of the men was a coworker I knew 30 yrs ago and his wife died so he looked me up. He is in his mid-80's and lives too far from me to have a relationship with. His physical health is poor, he has trouble walking and watches TV all day and sleeps. So I don't want a romantic relationship with him; we are just friends. The other man is a bachelor and never dated (from what I've been able to figure out). We met through a friend of mine. We have some areas of compatibility but also many areas of incompatibility. Also, he admitted to porn use and that's a dealbreaker for me. He said he will NEVER give it up. So I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him. I could feel attracted to him if he stopped the porn use but he said he never will and I'm not willing to have sex with a guy with porn fetishes.
This brings me to my dilemma...of whether to put myself "out there" to find a romantic partner. Every time I think about doing that, I get stuck on the idea that I have herpes and it's disingenuous to put myself out there like I'm a great catch when I know I have herpes. It's like, how is he going to feel after putting in time and effort with me for a few months only to find out that I have herpes? Any man in his right mind is going to say "no thank you". I just do not believe otherwise in my heart. If I were a man, I wouldn't want to be with a woman with herpes, no matter how great she is.
People on this forum have told me that I shouldn't be fearful of rejection and that I should stop seeing myself as damaged goods. But that's easier said than done. Being in my upper 60's, I feel most men my age probably prefer a younger woman anyway, so having herpes is not adding to my "desirability".
Most of the men who post on other forums about herpes have said no, they wouldn't consider dating a woman with herpes.
There are a few success stories on here but they seem to be mostly younger people.
Hey there @abbey road,
You're so self-aware in sharing all this! It’s clear you’ve done a lot of reflecting on your experiences, and that kind of insight is a big strength. And hey, could be quite the attractor in the dating market. Just sayin' ... ????
The first thing I’d say is that the idea of “most men wouldn’t date someone with herpes” often comes from a hypothetical, not a real-life scenario. Think about it: If someone were asked, “Would you date someone with herpes?” and they know nothing else about that person, their knee-jerk reaction might be, “No, of course not.” But that’s not how relationships work. In reality, by the time someone discloses, there’s usually already a connection. They know you as a whole person, not just a diagnosis. It’s no longer a thought experiment; it’s about weighing a real relationship with someone they already know and care about.
Here’s the thing—people reject others for all kinds of reasons. Maybe they don’t like how someone chews their food, or they disagree about politics, or they just don’t click. Herpes doesn’t hold a monopoly on rejection. What makes the difference is finding someone who values the full picture of who you are and is willing to have that honest conversation. That’s how trust and intimacy are built.
And let’s talk about this idea that putting yourself “out there” is disingenuous. It’s not. Everyone comes with their own unique challenges. Maybe someone else has a chronic illness, a history of heartbreak, or baggage from past relationships. None of those things disqualify someone from love. Herpes is just one part of your story—it doesn’t define your worth or your ability to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
I think your reflection about needing time to assess compatibility before physical intimacy is spot-on. That’s true for everyone, herpes or not! It’s about building trust and understanding before you dive into deeper conversations or connections. That’s where you’ll find the guys who are worth your time—the ones who see you as a person, not just a list of pros and cons.
I get it, though. Being in your 60s and dating can feel intimidating. But here’s the truth: Your life experience, your insight, and your willingness to connect deeply are huuuuge assets. Men in your age group aren’t all looking for younger women. Many are seeking genuine connection, compatibility, and kindness—qualities that you clearly have in abundance.
I encourage you to take small steps, if and when you’re ready. Rejection might happen, but it’s not a reflection of your value. (In other words, don't take rejection personally!) It’s just part of the process of finding the right person who sees all of you and says, “Yes, just what I've been searching for!” And trust me, those people exist. It’s not just about being “lucky”—it’s about staying open and giving yourself the chance to meet them.
You’ve got this. One step at a time. ❤️
My original story is on here somewhere. I have had herpes since I was 23 and I am 66 now. I was married for 27 years to a man that did not care that I had herpes and he never acquired it from me. He passed away 5 years ago this March. Since then, I decided to put my herpes status in my dating profile. It has been amazing! The people that aren't interested will keep scrolling. You will be surprised how many people don't care that you have herpes. I had one relationship which was somewhat long distance for almost a year. He did not have herpes and never acquired it from me. We ended the relationship strictly because of the distance between us . I am currently in a relationship with a man who also knew about Herpes when I disclosed it in my dating profile. He said as long as I take my meds, he is good with it. He showed me his last STD test prior to dating me. I also showed him mine which indicated that I did have HSV2. He said as long as I take my meds, he'sall in!!! He has never brought it up since. I am 66 years old and he is 65. This relationship has been absolutely amazing. It is possible to find people who are educated on herpes and don't care that you have it.
