Well, after being in a 25-year relationship (dating and marriage) with the man who gave me HSV2, I'm now separated and back in the dating world at 49. Needless to say, I've never disclosed and am very nervous about doing so. Don't get me wrong -- I will disclose because I would never do to someone else what was done to me; I'd rather be rejected and alone than know that I wasn't honest and put someone else's mental, emotional, and physical health at risk. But it's still going to be a tough conversation, as many of you know.
I am determined to stay positive because I'm hoping the right guy will understand that I am telling him - truthfully - that I am fully aware of my entire STD and STI status (I had the full blood and swab screening a few weeks ago). I am hoping that the right guy will understand that I am so much more than the skin infection -- which I haven't seen AT ALL since I started Valtrex fifteen years ago. I'm hoping that the right guy will still want to have sex with me because it's been too damn long lol....
I will take any and all advice!
(And God I am so happy that this site exists!!! I feel calmer and more confident just reading the forum posts! Thank you!)
Hi AnastasiaB
I can assure you that the right guy will understand that you are so much more than the skin infection......because you are ????
Being positive is half the battle, so go out & date, you may find a few wrong guys along the way but when you find the right one
it will of been worth it.
I wish you the very best of luck
Thanks Amando! I'm going to have to keep that in mind and maybe "slow my roll" a bit with this dating thing because I'm not sure that I would actually make the best choices right now.
I have been emotionally separated from my husband for years, but we only decided to separate last spring; I moved out this fall. I think I'm eager to date because we were so disconnected for so long and I'm a little lost and a bit lonely right now (cold weather and dark-at-4 doesn't help either lol....)
As I read more and more about HSV2 and how to protect a partner, I am feeling more and more optimistic; I just think i might need to do more of that work on myself alone before I'm actually ready to let someone else into my life. ???? (I'm learning!!!)
I'm right there with you, 29 years with my husband. He was cheating for 4 of those years and gave me HSV2 ???? I'm scared to death. I have never had an outbreak (yet) There is a dating sight that is for STD infected people. There were some nice guys but I'm not ready. 49 also ❤️ Good luck to you.
BreezyNJ - I went on that dating site and left after three days. There were really great people on there and good conversations, but I just wasn't ready for that much interaction!
Update: after dating a bit, hooking up a bit, and being ghosted after a disclosure, I met a man in February who couldn't care less about my H status! He was really cool about the disclosure, but I was also MUCH better at disclosing after having some practice.
We are now five months into a relationship, have met each others' families/friends, gone on trips, and coordinated our calendars at least through November lol.... He's one of the kindest, funniest men I've ever met and I couldn't be happier.
Everyone on here who says "The right person won't care and will look beyond your H" was 100% correct! Please don't deny yourself happiness because of this skin infection.
Hi AnastasiaB-
thank you for sharing your story! I am in a smiling situation... I was diagnosed with HSV2 almost one year ago and started seeing someone new two months ago. It’s going great; he’s sweet, respectful and we click well. We haven’t had sex yet and I’m glad we are waiting until the right time. But I know the ‘right time’ will only happen after I disclose my status. I am having horrible anxiety about it and I feel like I am almost lying to him by not telling him sooner.
I don’t want to lose him but I agree that the right person will accept me no matter what. Any tips on how you told your significant other?? Thanks!
Hey Runbikeski - sooner is better than later for sure, If things are going well, now is the time. :-)
My first disclosure was not done well; we had been drinking and were hooking up when I stopped everything as I saw how the night was progressing. I told him that out of respect for him I needed to let him know that before any pants came off on anyone (lol....) I wanted to give him the choice of whether or not he wanted to progress once he knew my status. I said everything kind of quickly and he seemed ok, but I was so nervous that I was the one who had a change in attitude! I was embarrassed, I felt rejected before he even rejected me, and I just couldn't get the night back on track. It was NOT the way to disclose -- it was far too dramatic. We still hooked up, but no sex and then I was ghosted after a couple of weeks. He has since apologized for being an "asshole" as he put it. I was like, "Hey. We're all just trying to figure things out in our post-divorce 50s. We're good."
I got better at disclosure each time (hook up guys really don't care and I found that the younger generations are MUCH more ok with it because they're more educated about it) and the last time I did it, I said something like, "Hey, before we go further I want you to know that I have Herpes. It's a skin condition that can be passed on through sex if there is an active outbreak or if the person is not taking suppressive therapy. The good news for you is that I haven't had a symptom for more than 15 years and I have been taking daily suppressive therapy for fifteen years, so your chances of contracting it from me are around 1%-2% which is extremely low, but since it's not zero percent, I have a responsibility to tell you." Boom. Done. He kind of looked at me like, "Wow. Ok, thanks for telling me. I know that must have been difficult for you, but you know so much. So can we use a condom?" I told him that we were using a condom until HE got screened since I am 100% sure (through two tests) that I have no STDs. I asked him the last time he was screened and he said, "Umm....before I got married 20+ years ago" So I said, "Yes, we're using a condom to protect ME!" After screening and once we knew we were committed, we stopped using condoms. We don't touch at all when he has a cold sore, which he has been getting since childhood, so turns out we both have herpes!
Good luck to you and my advice is sooner rather than later. Say it with confidence; it's a skin condition, not a character flaw. The person who gave it to me without telling me has a character flaw. In my experience, guys were SO APPRECIATIVE of me telling them when I didn't have to -- I could have had unprotected sex with all of them and there was a 99% chance they wouldn't have ever known or gotten herpes, so they were grateful that I let them make the decision and they admired my honesty.
