when there are so many other willing women who are likely not riddled with herpes? I can't even begin to imagine the throught process that leads someone to say OK I am willing to risk getting a incurable infection that will cause me shame and pain and I have to tell anyone in the future I want to trust and love.
Is that information anywhere? Has anyone asked what they say to themselves?
There is nothing special enough about me for me to ask anyone to take that risk. I am not special enough. Is anybody special enough?
You ARE special enough!!!! You are giving into some pretty dark thoughts, and they are NOT TRUE.
A man would choose you because he likes you. Because herpes doesn't have to be that big of a deal. Because your other traits far out weight an annoying virus that very VERY rarely develops into anything worse that an annoying skin condtion.
I think about this sometimes, and I immediately force myself to think of reasons I am good. I've even made a short list.
1. I am compassionate
2. I am a total nerd - comic books, Dungeons and Dragons, you name it!
3. I'm driven - done with my undergrad, working in my field, and planning on getting a masters
4. I am easy going
5. I am pretty cute (dat booty!)
6. I have been through some shit (just like everyone else) and have largely become stronger because of it
I want you to respond with 5 things that you like about yourself, or 5 things that you are good at. And none of this "I can't think of any."
One thing that really helps me when I have negative thoughts is to do a thought record. Here is a pretty good example of what one is. [link inactive] I know the site is for teenagers, but writing one of these out is really, REALLY helpful.
Do not be so hard on yourself. I've asked myself the same question many many times over the last couple years since I've been divorced ... except remove the word herpes and put the word fat. For example:
"Why would a man choose me? when there are so many other willing women who are likely not fat? "
Why??? Because I am f'ing awesome .... and so are YOU!!! In our own ways. Sure, we all may have physical qualities just like the other millions out there - but there is that one "thing" or that way you "smirk" or the way you "look at him" or that "feisty sparkle in your eye" that makes you different than the rest. It's your "way about you" that makes You worth choosing.
Chin up sweetie - please don't let a not-so-great relationship or a herpes diagnosis make you feel unworthy for someone else's love and affection.
You know. The boyfriend that recently dumped me used to tell me something every day that just warmed my heart. It may sound cheesy, but I'd melt every time:
"Has Anyone Told You How Wonderful You Are Today? No? Well, I think you are pretty wonderful"
Don't ever forget you are wonderful, for nothing more than just being you.
*hugs*
@Anonemess this post hurt my heart to read. No one is perfect. We ALL have flaws. You might think there is nothing special about you but guess what....you're wrong. Just because you have Herpes does NOT mean you are more flawed than someone who doesn't have Herpes. A man will choose you because you will be perfect for HIM. He won't care that you have Herpes. My boyfriend is an amazing person. He tells me all the time there is no one that he would rather be with. He loves me for the person I am. Believe me when I tell you that he could have any woman that he wants. He is brilliant, successful and very handsome. I notice the women looking at him when we go out and in the past it would make me depressed because I thought he would be better off with someone who didn't have this one flaw but then I realized that every single day -he comes home to me. I'm his best friend, the one he trusts, the one he loves and no other woman could possible appreciate and love him the way I do.
My point is: when it's the right ONE he will not care about Herpes.
Please use this forum to the fullest capacity - everyone here is at a different point in their journey with Herpes and we all need the support.
Just a thought but the one thing I believe a man would have a harder time accepting is a woman with low or no self confidence. Be confident in the person you are. You are incredibly brave to even have joined this forum. Start there and little by little you won't even recognize yourself and it will be amazing. You will be stronger, happier, more confident and Herpes won't rule over your life. It's a process. It will take time.
I'm here if you ever need guidance. Take care.
Everyone has posted some awesome points here. As someone who has struggled with self-esteem issues all her life, I feel I can contribute a bit here too.
It is amazing how accomplishments, both big and small, can boost your self esteem. And, the better you feel about yourself, the less you will worry about someone else wanting you.
There are small things you can do that take little effort, depending upon your personality and present habits. For me, it is keeping my house cleaner (seeing my bed made before I do anything else just makes me feel GOOD), learning to cook different dishes, learn a little about history, etc. These little things make me feel more in control, smarter, more competent, etc.
Also, there are big things you can do that may take a real investment of your time and energy, but once you accomplish them, you'll feel like you can tackle anything. Maybe learn a foreign language, play guitar, get into community theatre, etc.
For me, it was getting fit. After 25 years of no exercise and gaining 100 pounds, at the age of 47, I decided to start running. Crazy, I know! My first goal was to run a 5K. 6 months into the training, I ran and finished a half marathon. Me, who for years was always the fattest girl in the room! I'm not telling you to brag (I was one of sloooooowest), but to let you know how good this made me feel about myself. I felt like hot stuff! LOL Seriously, I felt like I could conquer the world! I didn't have to convince myself, my new sassy attitude came naturally, because I knew that if I could do that, I could do anything I wanted. A girl with that kind of attitude exudes confidence, which is attractive to any man. If you can get to this place, you won't worry about finding a man, because they will just find you.
You sound like a sweet girl that does have a lot to offer. A good man appreciates a good girl, so give yourself some credit. Try to take a deep breath, and just focus on yourself for awhile; your dreams, goals, etc, start working at what makes you feel good. Tke care of your body, take recommended medicine and supplements to cut back on OBs. And before you know it, you will feel better, more confident, and less fear about your romantic future.
xoxoxoxo kimmie
First, I agree 100% with all the above. And I'll get to that in a moment, but first, this caught my eye:
when there are so many other willing women who are likely not riddled with herpes
Honey.. we are NOT "riddled' with Herpes. To be "riddled" with something is "to fill or pervade" it ... and we are not "full" of Herpes. The vast majority of us have it in a very, very small percentage of our total skin area ... unfortunately its in a pretty inconvenient place, that's all ;)
So - regarding the replies:
Friend, I'm guessing you already didn't believe in yourself before Herpes and now you are buying into the belief that it's the nail in the coffin of all the things you believe to be negative about yourself. A little word of advice here: DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK! ;) Because your brain is having a field day with you and it's winning!
So you said you can think of 10 good things about yourself. So - out with it! What are they?
107+ (there are many discussions that turned into Success Stories that have not been re-categorized!) Success Stories can't be completely wrong!!! There are men out there who are looking for the 10 things you are going to list about yourself who just can't find the woman with THOSE 10 things ... and when HE finds you, there's a good chance he won't let you go.
Make that list. *I* want to see it :)
(((HUGS)))
@Anonemess, please don't sell yourself short. I have just realized what I truely wonderful man I have in my life for the past year and a half. I just found out I tested positive for type 1 and 2; he was tested and we just found out that he's negative for type 2. We had a long talk about all this and his attitude is we'll stay together. He made it clear that he's not going anywhere. Since my score was low, there's a chance I might have a false positive and I want to be re-tested with the blot test to be sure. He said he doesn't see the reason; nothing will change between us. Let's just get on with our life together. Plus this man was with me when I got my breast cancer diagnosis a few months back. He's really been my rock, although I didn't realize how much until now. I don't think there's anything special about me; except I'm me and that's one-of-a-kind. We're all special in our own way; sometimes it just takes someone else to see it and love us for it. There are good men out there. You'll find the one perfect for you.
@Cynthia hit the ball out of the park!!!! Love that reply!!!
@Lisa
How long does it take to find one decent guy?
As long as it takes. And honey, I'm with you here because I'm tired of being alone. But I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and lonely.... and THAT is where many people on this board have found themselves in the past, because they accepted whoever would accept them WITHOUT herpes!
Go and read the 100+ success stories on here. Pretty much every one says somewhere that because they had to learn to slow down, get to KNOW someone, get to believe that they DESERVED to see them at their most vulnerable, they have found love that they would never have imagined. I'll give you a couple links to start with, but I really suggest that you read as many of their journeys as you can, because the vast majority believed what you do when they came on here. ;)
[link inactive]
[link inactive] NSgreenville
[link inactive] blueeyes
And BTW, I'm talking to a H- guy right now that I met online (not sure we will be compatible but this is a relevant conversation nonetheless) ... I have my actual status right on ALL my profiles and I still get plenty of hits from guys btw. Anyway, he said he dated a woman for awhile, and they split for a short while and she got H in the interim .. and he took her back anyway. We talked about it like it was nothing ... just shared experiences like we adults *should* be able to do anyway. THAT is the kind of guy I want in my life .... one who accepts me "warts (or in my case, lesions!) and all. And there are plenty of people out there who are tired of the games, the players, and the jerks and who have realized that if the "perfect" person actually has a few minor imperfections they can live with them, and THAT is the person we want to find.
I am finding more and more that people would be surprised how many people don't even BLINK when I bring up Herpes (either discussing it with potential dates, or talking to people about my Advocacy with herpes, and all kinds of random discussions. In fact, most are GLAD that we talked because most actually realize that they are VERY ignorant about STD facts ;)
The fear, friends, is in YOUR HEADS ... promise. I wish I could find a way to help people to really *get* that. :(
This is long and anecdotal, but I think it gives a little bit of an idea of what goes through some peoples' heads...
When I was 21 I worked in a health clinic for a little while after college. This was a pretty high end clinic in a very wealthy area (not a free clinic). We saw A LOT of genital herpes. At least a few cases per day. As a H-negative 21 year old who had been with one person (long term relationship) and never even thought about STDs, that was really eye opening. But, I remember telling people that herpes wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was and it wouldn't stop me from dating someone because so many people have it. I also would tell people to shush when they made herpes jokes because it was so common and they never knew whose feelings they could be hurting (in hindsight, maybe they thought I had herpes already back then because I was so outspoken about it...I am not outspoken anymore because having it has made me way less secure).
My friend told me the same thing (that she would date someone with herpes) after she started doing her rotations in medical school and saw how common (AND minor) it was.
Now, I have it, and I feel all the fear everyone else does. I have had (and am still having) a hard time accepting it as part of my life. A lot of this stems from the social stigma but also (and probably more so) from the fact that I didn't have any say whatsoever in whether or not I got it. I was responsible and committed to someone, but he cheated relentlessly and I wound up with this. That sucks, because that's a relationship that did a lot of damage to me emotionally, and I wish I had never had it...not because of the herpes, but because of the guy who treated me badly.
In any case, my point is that as a pretty naive 21 year old, I was able to be open minded about herpes once I saw it in real life and understood what it was. I think that's the point: once people understand what it is, if they care about you as a person and accept you for who they are, they'll consider it as another minor risk that comes with a relationship.
NO relationship comes without risks: heartbreak, betrayal, (unwanted) pregnancy, abuse, mental illness, loss (cancer, accidents, other diseases, etc.) You can do your best to prevent yourself from some of these things, but there's never a 100% chance that none of them will happen, and being in love requires being open to being vulnerable. And love doesn't come around every day, so when it does...isn't that worth the risk?
I don't know how much you've dated but I have dated a lot. I've dated guys who seemed great who turned out to be jerks. I've dated guys who WERE great, who just turned out to be not for me.
I have felt a real, serious, meaningful connection with very few guys (two) and I can tell you that I would have stayed with either of them no matter what they threw at me. One of them was a smoker (life long, had tried to quit many times, never successful) and smoking has always been a way bigger deal breaker for me than herpes ever was. It's not about the herpes, it's about the person.
My last boyfriend (who was one of the two I felt really deeply for) was really uneducated about herpes and made some insensitive jokes before I told him I had it. It was REALLY hard for me to tell him because I already had an idea of his negative feelings toward it. When I did tell him (because I was so crazy about him I had to take the chance) all he felt was sad for me for having gone through that and that it didn't stop him from wanting me (we actually had sex like an hour after I disclosed...and I disclosed in a public place far away from either of our homes to keep things as non-sexual as possible).
Damn...now I'm really missing him :(
Anyway, my point with that story is: he had negative feelings towards herpes (and all STDs), but because of me - the person he was with - he was willing to consider the risk (and I explained everything and answered a lot of questions before we had sex...but the questions came after the initial reaction, which was just to hold me, kiss my head, and reassure me that this would be okay).
Oh, by the way, none of this means that it is easy for me to cope with herpes, to deal with the stigma, or to disclose to anyone that I have it (actually, I am working on this specific issue at the moment). It's hard. Herpes makes things harder and I don't want to pretend it doesn't...but negative self talk and assuming no one will love you because of it is not going to make it easier.
I am a strong believer that what we feel about ourselves is often reflected in the people we attract into our lives. Your thoughts are powerful and if you allow yourself to believe 'why would anyone choose me' then you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of a loving, great guy... and you might just draw people into your life that confirm everything you already feel inside. This is an opportunity to work through self-limiting beliefs, find love for yourself from the depth of your being and start believing that you are a great catch with so many wonderful qualities to offer, and worthy of great love and an equally amazing partner. No one in the world is exactly like you, there is always something special that you have that no one else can offer. The right guy will recognize and want all of your awesomeness, regardless of any faults or imperfections. Love yourself first, work on changing your thoughts in each moment when negativity creeps in, and soon, day by day, you will come to believe that you are special and worthy of the most wonderful man. Few quotes to add:
'If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, life and joy.' Brene Brown.
'Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.' Saint Augustine.
"As you peel it back, in the heart of nothing, that is love. You are what you are seeking. Life is a set up so that each of us can actually see in ourselves the truth for ourselves. What gets taken away are all the exterior means we thought we wanted love to come to us. You have the choice to notice the perfect set up to see love is exactly what you are." Adyashanti
I know these feelings you speak of, I feel them too! You are certainly not alone in that. I feel like I started off super positive after my diagnosis.. I made a pact with myself to not let this rule my life.. And 3 months and 3 OBs later, I seem to have lost that resolution and I just feel lost, scared, confused and alone. I fear that I will suffer from terrible OBs constantly and that I will be alone forever. Like you said, why in the world would anyone want to be with me when they can have someone that doesn't have H?? The future is scary and I do not feel excited about life like I used to be. I've always been a pretty positive person and this has certainly affected me in that department. Even though I know i have so much to be thankful for, and that things could really be so much worse, I still struggle getting out of bed some days. All we can do is take this thing day by day and try to remain thankful for the many positive things we have in our lives: children, family, friends, jobs, etc. If you haven't yet, watch the videos dancer posted! They are wonderful and brought tears to my eyes. The advice on this forum is great! I agree with everyone else and am trying to take to heart all of the advice myself! Some days are easier than others, but I am trying to remain hopeful that it does get better as time goes on!
There are two sides to dealing with this hsv infection: the physical symptoms of clinical disease (prodromal symptoms like the tingling/itching, blistering), and the emotional difficulties associated with the stigma of the disease. A huge part of the emotional difficulty lies in this illusion of being undesirable, which really boils down to our normal human fear of rejection.
There are over 100 stories on this site of people with h disclosing to potential partners WITHOUT being rejected. In many cases sex has been delayed and the human beings involve actually get to know each other better (like you're talking about @sw85), they develop emotional intimacy and build the foundation for a much more fulfilling relationship that ultimately we all want, male and female alike. Add some great sex to that combination and WOW, jackpot!!
So, our first response has to be to figure out how to manage the clinical disease for ourselves. There is a ton of advice on that subject here in this forum plus a ton of experimenting we can each do on our own.
Next we have to overcome the temptation to let this h+ status serve as an excuse to hide out and avoid rejection. It's so easy to blame all of our woes on this little virus critter. The fact is I reject potential partners on a whole host of criteria long before I know their hsv status. Hell I've been known to reject partners based on their poor grammar (yes I'm a grammar snob). I've chosen not to pursue a relationship with a man because he has 5-year-old twin daughters (my youngest is 15 and I don't want to go back). We are all afraid of being rejected for a whole host of reasons, many/most of which we have no immediate control over (height, weight, cup-size, penis size, eye color, skin color, cancer status). It's easy to slip into blame-everything-on-h mode, decide our lives are ruined, and just sulk.
Alternatively, we can focus on being the best people we can be for ourselves. Nobody likes a Negative Nelly and healthy self-confidence is universally attractive to both sexes. We are who we are. We had strengths and weaknesses before h, we have potentially more strengths and 1-more, non-life threatening weakness after h. If we decide this one thing is enough to knock us out of life, well, then I would argue we need to decide differently.
@anonemess , thanks for those words. Much appreciated.
@forgivenessandpeace , again great words, thanks for sharing.
the physical part, I am dealing with, it seams im lucky enough to have mild outbreaks, yes a little uncomfortable at times, but from what ive read im fortunate.
I did have a little epiphany yesterday, I was blaiming my drunken mistake and getting h, on what seemed to me to be a ruined life, but it occurred to me, a fews prior to getting h, I was panicked about the future, ive been travelling for a year, and the future of going back home, and figure out what the hell I was going to do, was a scary thought. Its a littlebackward, but I took some comfort in that I was a little worried about the future anyways, human nature, the fear of the unknown. I started to break down this challenge, into bits, im not ready to date anyone yet, I dont think I could confidently have a disclosure talk, it would be a train wreck. But like any chalkenge, little by little....
im going to practice disclosure talks with some close friends in new zealand, and treat them as kind of date situations, so I get used to talking about the subject, in the comfort that they are my friends.
Depending on any possible dating situations, ill try both usual internet dating services and h services. Im totally on board with ardal and others advice about this is limiting the dating pool to 10%, but I think this could be a useful tool into the road of dating again.
yesterday I had a very positive day, I did almost cry in public, but managed to shake that off,quickly and try to stay positive. I just need to learn to remember and focus on the ideas that make it manageable.
how do you eat a H-elephant?..... little by little
It is Just hard to disclose to potential mates now. I know they are going to even go around asking their friends for opinions of what they should do and if they should be with a girl like me who has Herpes and I don't want them to even do that.
Well, if that's the case, then we have well over 100 people on here whose friends gave them great advice. (and for every person who posts, there are hundreds who are lurking so I know the number would be FAR higher if more people posted ;) )
I'm 100% out - I have over 1000 friends on FB (I'm a Swing Dancer so I have a lot of dancing friends all over the world) and I've never had anyone say ANYTHING negative to me. I have my status on ALL my dating profiles (OKC and POF) and I get plenty of H- guys who say they ADMIRE my honesty and transparency.
Yes - there is ignorance and ugliness in the world. But you really need to get that all that is NOTHING to do with you, nor is it to do with Herpes. It's about the other persons unwillingness or inability to have empathy and understanding for others .... and when you see who that person *really* is, it is a gift ... if they show you ugliness, you just learned that this is a person you don't need in your life ... if they show you empathy and love, THAT is the person (friend, family, or partner) that you want in your life.... ;)
(((HUGS)))
Negative thoughts are aooooo easy to have...that why we have them when we are at our weakest.
So I hate h really the it. It's done a damn number on me BUT I know myself wayyyyyy better now...doing things I had always wanted to do and never thought possible.
Do me a favour....create a bucket list of sorts....I did mine....it helps with the negative noughts....write down everything or at least some things u want to do before u die. It can be anything
Once I did this my fous became how do I cross off my bucket list items to make me happier vs this damn h
My personal favourite list item was skinny dipping....never did it before...promised my ex ass bf I would do it with him. I thought I would never so it but h know what? An opportunity presented itself and I said "hey I got to do it.it's on my list!" And it was fun!!!!
So without h, without fear, I would never have created his list to live life fuller. Met a lot of great people I wouldn't normally meet and did a lt of fun things that fulfilled me
Te bucket list items opened me up to new experiences and people I wouldn't otherwise know.
This spontaneity and surprise o fulfillment without control allows the revelation that I don't need full control to enjoy my life an feel satisfied
Well it's my 2 cents and even though I still have my control freak days its helped open me up a lot more...maybe it will work for tou
Xo
