I am curious if there is a certain type of individual that is more open to this? I have had this for 17 years (HSV-2). Physically, its hardly a blip in my daily life, but as we all know the stigma sucks. I have not been successful in a long-term relationship but wonder if that is just life? (I was married once...before H.) I never know if the reason the relationship does not move forward is because someone does not want to be with a person long-term, even if they can handle a couple of years? I think I am going to start dating on a H dating site. I am tired of having the conversation and all the stress that comes with it. Any feedback is appreciated.
While I haven't been back in the dating scene since my own diagnosis (enjoying my freedom a little too much since getting out of a 15 year marriage), the comments I've read on these forums seem to indicate that there's really no way to tell who will be okay with it. I guess no matter what traits are visible to others, there's many more traits, beliefs and perspectives below the surface influencing their views. I once told my therapist that if I ever married again, I swear to god I'd have to date the person for a good 3-5 years first. I may not have ever married had I waited until we had a few major fights and we got past the lovey-dovey stage.
I never dealt with a lot of rejection before herpes, so I always have my antennae up for articles and comments about rejection to help me develop a new attitude about it before I get back into dating. I posted an article on here a few weeks ago which had a perspective I really liked...that when I'm rejected, the relationship was never going to work and the other person just happened to figure that out before I did.
Months ago, my therapist suggested I write down 75 qualities I'd like in a future partner. Yes, 75, and yes, I had the same reaction of incredulity and skepticism! She said no one I meet will ever have all of those qualities, but when I'm dating someone, it will help me to realize if this person has a good percentage of the qualities I want, or if they only have a handful and I'm giving way too much weight to physical chemistry or my own fantasies about who that person is.
I came up with over 100 qualities in an hour. It has really helped me to be clear about what I'm looking for in the future. A few of the qualities have the potential to be deal-breakers (such as, this person needs to have a balanced view of risk in general and they need to be totally comfortable with the possibility of acquiring HSV).
It is my hope that if I'm rejected because of HSV in the future, I'll recognize that person had a deal-breaker quality and they saw that a relationship wasn't going to work before I did--that's all.
Sorry for the long ramble!
HikingGirl: (I am a hiker too, btw). That was a nice response, thank you. After four years of being diagnosed, I did not have sex for 10 years...yep 10 years. I got very involved in church and was hoping God would cure me, and I thought I was going to wait until marriage before having sex again. What a joke! No, he did not take it away and I got too lonely...so I have been dating the last 3 years. There is one common trait with the 2 men that I have told. They are both sweet guys (and ruggedly handsome!) I know the 1st guy would not have worked out anyway (other issues) but we were together a year. The 2nd guy (current) one seemed okay, not at first, then he was again, but now just wants an FWB arrangement. I answered yes since it was alcohol-driven at the time. Now, I wonder if it is because of the issue. I have decided not to be FWB because we were dating normally, and so now it just doesn't feel right, and I don't want to ask him if H is the reason because it doesn't matter what the reason is...he wants FWB and I don't. I do know its possible for discordant couples to be successful because I know of at least 3 couples where the female has it and the male doesn't, and they have all been married over 10 years. I do not care about marriage, and I totally agree with you about getting to know someone a LONG time before making that step. But I do want a significant other. I really think I am going on an H dating site the next time I am ready to date again. I have some other things going on right now (like finding a job), and that is a priority. I am also super independent so I am cool on my own. I don't mind a long ramble either...here is mine LOL.
Yeah, I've had similar thoughts. Especially since the divorce. Frankly, what's the worst thing that could happen? I get turned down and I spend the weekend with friends, family or my dog? That I live on my own? Hell, I'm already doing that and enjoying it!! But I recognize there will likely come a time when I want male companionship.
I had HSV1&2 all through my marriage without realizing it. My ex-husband and I were together 16 years. I chose to tell him about my status when I was diagnosed about a year after the divorce, and he tested negative for both. So transmission definitely isn't a given!
Wow, I have never heard of a story like that. And then he tests negative for both...??After
16 years? I think its possible some people don't contract it for some reason. I had a doctor , yes a doctor tell me don't even disclose, its a stupid virus that comes and goes...? He was a doc at a walk-in clinic, not my ob-gyn. She says disclose for sure. I was shocked he said that but he also said people have terrible emotional issues because of it and its not necessary...but still we have to disclose. I wasn't given that chance and I am still angry at the man who gave it to me. It totally changed my life. I never had kids or remarried, but of course I was doing the church thing for a long time thinking if I was a good enough girl,...blah blah blah...
I have been with my husband for three years I have G HSV- 1 and he doesn't have it. WE had a child she doesn't have it. My best friend has HSV -2 she has been with her husband for 10 he tested negative last year they don't use condoms and she doesn't use medication. Just because one person has it doesn't mean the partner will get it. I have lots of friends who have it who have gotten married. It is pretty common after all. I think alot of how it affects people is internal stigma and possible a way to avoid other issues.
Many times success dating while having herpes.
Husband of 21 yrs is negative and I have hvs2
Thanks for everyone leaving comments. I also know at least 3 women that have it and their SO's do not. It gives me hope. I just never really know if the reasons for things not working out is because of the H , and the men are trying to be nice and not tell me.
It could be, but if a guy truly cares about you, the H is immaterial
i have fear that who ever i disclose to will tell others. i am not dating. i'm terrified to date. but i have some health issues too that make the herpes more active chronically. it's very sad. i'm lonely, but it's too tricky a situation.
I have that fear also. I have turned down so many dates that would be the perfect way to meet a like-minded, sane person (in other words, community already knows him, since he is being recommended by friends/family), so I do not date much either. Some of the men have been mad! And I can't tell them why.., its very frustrating. I highly recommend getting on a Herpes Dating site. I have not done it yet, but I am going to soon. I have waited a long time thinking that I did not have to go there, but now I am tired of disclosing and feeling like crap for weeks/months wondering how the person truly feels about it and maybe not telling me --he will go out a few months, even a year; but will never move the relationship forward because of this. I know that everyone says, if he truly cares, it won't matter. Sorry, but I am more cynical than that,..I think it already takes me out of the running with many people that just don't want to deal with it on a long-term basis.
Ive had it for 25 years and never passed it. Some I dated said they have it too. Its more common than you think! Dont fear it, that person you are passing up could have it too or is already informed and wont care. If rejected they are not meant for you.
All my 'great loves' in those years were non H men. They all ended for many other reasons, H was never even a thought. Same for those that were shorter term/not the great loves.
I did have one break up with me because of it but I think it was an excuse, he had a new girlfriend the next day! It was about 20 years ago... all the rest I have told didn't care and loved/dated me anyways.
Looking back and if you really look there is something else as to why it didn't work. Probably some other red flags but didn't pay attention. People are people H or not.
I still 'fear' telling/someone spreading it around for sure... I just don't let the fear rule me. It did when I first got it at 19... It took some time, there was no support/info like today. The net was just starting. Crap... Im getting so old! LOL. Now a days its tiny 'fear'.
Ive just lived life and dated like I dont have it, you have to as really its so minute in the big picture of life/love. Its a rash that flares up like many other skin conditions.
I also need to see if a guy is even worth telling my secret. Many I met over the years were not! haha. I never told them so the 'fear' was not a factor.
Great Thread! It's good to hear all of the stories of HSV2 positive women not passing it along to their partners. I'm in a relationship and just found out that I have it, (1 month ago) he doesn't. I have only had 2 partners in 6+ years so I feel fairly certain that I got it from my last relationship. I'm very sad. He's being supportive and kind but it's evolving into a friendship. He won't touch me and avoids any intimacy. I think it's becoming worse than just being alone. I share with him these stories I read of discordant couples where the person who is negative never gets it but I don't think he's buying into it.
I'm pretty sure once I'm able to make it a day without crying, and he thinks I can survive again, he'll leave me. It really is a terrible feeling.
Thanks for all of the positive posts. They do help me try to see a future for myself.
@JDH I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
Terri Warren addresses this situation in her book, "The Good News about the Bad News." I'm going to PM you a link to the section of the book and hopefully you'll be able to read it. She covers possible disclosure responses, one of which is "long-term indecision."
I know her experience as a clinician is that most partners are accepting. I've also seen informal studies that indicate most prospective partners are accepting following disclosure. My own personal experience has reflected this. I have four friends (2 male, 2 female) whose experience reflects this, as well. This is not to say it's never an issue, but most often it is not.
Hang in there! (((((hugs)))))
I have had herpes since 1989, I have been married twice, my last husband passed away 2 years ago, he never got it, now I met a new love interest, I always disclose, and told him the stats and told him I take valcyclovir daily, he was cool but then he texted me he has an itchy rash down there, I am so sad, tired, devastated. I have never transmitted it before and have not had an OB since I can remember, last year sometime, maybe. He is not texting me or returning my calls, just ghosting me entirely. Someone on this thread said there is an on-line dating website for HSV2 peeps? I might be interested in that, had not investigated that, can someone send me the link? Not that I'm jumping right back into the pool but that does seem like a better option??
Nanner: I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but you did disclose and there is always a chance we can transmit. I have had this since 1997ish and have had one guy say he got it from me; but I cannot trust what he says because he would not have a conversation with me (we had already broken up), and he owed me $2000 dollars and he was trying to guilt me out of paying me back, (he always had money issues). I did disclose to him also. He did pay me back after I threatened small claims court. Anyway, I got on this site once and it seemed okay, I just didn't go through with it and closed it down because I am changing careers etc..and just too stressed with other things. It is called positive singles.com. I hope you try it and it is successful for you. Please keep in touch if you want. I am also going to get back in the dating game; but I have decided to just go on herpes sites so I don't have to disclose any more. Its just too stressful. Good luck.
Great communication and I wanted to check for opinions on my situation. I have been dating a dear, close friend of mine for 7 months. We have taken our relationship very slowly since we really wanted to get to know each other at a whole different level. We have not been intimate whereas it would not put her at risk. However, I have not disclosed to her yet and it has been 7 months. I have received various opinions that you should disclose early on, as well as those that state it's great that you have waited and if you are not intimate (i.e. sexual intercourse or skin to skin contact ), there is no reason to disclose until you feel the time is right to take intimacy to the next level.
I do believe it is time to disclose very soon...we have jointly expressed love for one another, but boy, am I fearful of her reaction. I have had HSV for 29 years and have disclosed to 4-5 partners with positive results, but this is so different due to our lifelong friendship of almost 42 years. I have never and would ever put anyone at risk by not disclosing....not how I operate.
Looking for thoughts and insight....thanks everyone.
Well you have a good outlook on this issue and a very healthy one. I will admit my outlook is not positive. I am terrified of other people knowing and afraid others will tell. I just can't help it. Thanks for your enthusiasm and response. I do know there is someone for me, and frankly its obvious not having this issue doesn't seem to matter when trying to maneuver through romance; in other words, relationships are hard and don't work out for many reasons, like you said.
jma31964: I understand this is stressful for you. I wish I had more experience with telling others so I can offer some advice. I wanted to log on and let you know I don't think your question will go out to the group that has signed onto this website. I might be wrong, but I am pretty sure your question only came to me as a push email to my inbox (since I started the discussion question). But I will say this, you have not wasted anyone's time by getting to know them well before deciding whether it is a good romantic match (for both of you). And I fully agree not to disclose until you know whether you are taking the relationship to another level. (Why go through the stress?) However, there was someone on one of the discussions that said she discloses very quickly via text and she gave an example of how she writes it. I thought it was a good idea. I know it might seem odd since you have known her so long, (to send a text or email) but I think its doing the other a favor to be able to process it and respond when they are ready. Anyway, maybe you want to resend your question out and please email me if you think about it and let me know how the disclosure goes. I really hope its good! -Chanel
20Plus: Thanks again for your emails. Would you mind if I emailed you separately through this forum? That way it would be a separate dialogue just between us. I agree with you about whether someone is worth telling (or not)... Thank you. Chanel
This thread brings me so much hope. I was recently diagnosed and was in a committed relationship. My bf doesnt have it and he is terrified about getting it... not sure if we will make it through it but reading about ppl being in loving relationships fills my heart with so much joy!
Very good thread!
I noticed that this is one of the most viewed posts on the forum, which says something, I think, so I wanted to share that you can - indeed be successful in dating those that don't have HSV, even with the stigma. I think it comes down to the basis of this website and what the goal of it's message is - really an opportunity. Before I was diagnosed I had been in a serious relationship before, as well as other relationships that weren't so serious. During this time of my life I was going to therapy regularly for anxiety problems, and one of my main recurring themes was "why does this relationship thing never work out with my partners?" It wasn't until after I got diagnosed with HSV-2 that I was able to sort out my own personal problems with dating and find someone who I now live with and can honestly say I never thought I could love this much. In it's own strange way, H gave me a way of weeding out people who were not right for me. I was able to become more aware of who I was dating before going further into relationships with them, by disclosing when I chose to and how I chose to. It was kind of like a form of empowerment on my part, because I finally felt in control, even though I know when I got first diagnosed, as a lot of people fee,l it seems like the opposite of control.
When I met my current partner, I disclosed after about two months of dating, and gave him the information on HSV available on this site and others. He took his time to look into it, get himself tested to make sure he didn't already have it, and came back to me within a week to talk to me about it again. We had a serious conversation about transmission rates, and how I was taking antivirals every day, when my last outbreak was, what it was like, etc. He told me then, like he tells me now, since we see a future together it really doesn't matter to him if he gets it or not. Even if it doesn't work out, it would never be a determining factor in what split us apart.
Before my current partner, I had three instances after my diagnosis where I disclosed and it did not work out. The first I was completely rejected and belittled for having HSV. That was the first person I disclosed to, and put me in a position where I did not want to seriously date for a while. The other two I disclosed and one politely (seriously, was very nice about it) declined as it was not looking to be serious anyway. The second had no problems and we were in a relationship for several months before it ended for completely unrelated reasons.
I'm pretty sure once I'm able to make it a day without crying, and he thinks I can survive again, he'll leave me. It really is a terrible feeling.
Thanks for all of the positive posts. They do help me try to see a future for myself.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this! I’m sure it is difficult to see your new relationship turn into a friendship after your diagnosis. Hopefully he comes around but don’t torture yourself with being just a friend if you want more. My doctor said that she’d never heard of couples splitting after one party is diagnosed with this virus. She was actually surprised when I told her my now ex walked away when I found out. She even offered to talk to him as she done so in the past for others. Some people can’t handle it and it’s ok! Hang in there..it does get better with time!!
This is a good thread. I've been with two people my entire life. The second being my husband. We've been together for 15 years. Herpes was not even on my radar. With 15 years of monogamy and neither of us ever having any symptoms (ZERO) who thinks herpes could pop up. Well it did. My IgG came back negative so the assumption is that my husband is an asymptomatic carrier. I can say that although I'm not thrilled to have HSV the only affect this has had on our relationship has been a positive one. For the most part though, it's hardly even a blip in our relationship.
My late husband of 25 years never got H from me. I've always disclosed as I've had ghs2 for almost 35 years. I've never passed it on that I'm aware of. I've remained friends with most of the people from my past. The right person isn't going to care about H
