I couldn't have asked for my first disclosure to be as easy and pain free than what I experienced just a short while ago. I've had herpes for about five months now, and although I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance with having herpes, I still had my fears about telling someone. Around the time I disclosed, I was talking to a guy I had met in one of my classes. We hit it off as friends right on the spot. We continued talking for about two months, solely as friends. As things began to progress into something more, we would hang out, but always leave the night off with just a kiss. I tended to make excuses whenever it felt like things were going to go further because I wasn't ready to tell him. To be honest, I wasn't and am not embarrassed about having herpes; I was afraid of what his perception of herpes would be (especially considering my first opinion of herpes when I was diagnosed was not the best). I know he really liked me, and I didn't want his image of me to change because of something as simple as herpes, so I decided to wait it out until it felt like it was the right time. Timing I think is really everything when it comes to disclosing. Timing, how you speak about it, and your body language is key to a successful disclosure, in my eyes.
I love how this story shows some key ingredients to being good with yourself with disclosure. And really, it has little to do with how the other person takes the disclosure. Even if you disclose "perfectly" — you're as cool, calm and collected as your average cucumber — the other person may hold the most horrific judgments and stigma about what this herpes thing is. So it's ultimately about how you are with yourself and following your intuition on when the "right time" is to disclose. Yes, you are not your herpes; you are an amazing person who happens to be carrying this annoying little virus — "acne genitalis" as I like to call it. ;)
I also LOVE what you said about how you felt about yourself and the relationship after disclosing ... I like to see that as what it feels like to live in alignment with your core values, especially your integrity. It feels good to live your life like that. Not just saying you have integrity, but DOING integrity. Practicing what you preach. Being the person you know yourself to be. That's powerful and it just plain feels good. And other people who live their lives like that recognize it that much more deeply, too. Like attracts like.
Thank you for sharing your story, deeevine! (I gave you 3 e's because you're just that special!)
Hey Deevine444,
My first disclosure conversation went GREAT and I was shocked that it did. I have the same opinion that you do: now that the first disclosure in a dating situation is out of the way and was such a crazy success...I can do this. I'm still dating the person I told, but if I had to do this again in the future, I know that I would. I could. And I will do it with about 5% of the fear I had the first time because I really am believing that this is an opportunity.
How on earth did you get to acceptance with your diagnosis within 5 months? That's so crazy wonderful. I wasted years beating myself up and saying every unflattering thing I could think of to myself. I'm jealous that you accepted it so easily. (Jealous in a happy-for-you way.)
MplsMan
