I am a 23 year old female. I graduated in May with a degree in microbiology and am hoping to pursue a career in medicine with a focus on infectious disease (the irony is sick and twisted really...) I came home from a mission trip about 3 weeks ago and was intimate with a guy I had been talking to for quite some time AND SURPRISE!!! he had no idea he was infected with genital HSV-1. Besides the feelings of rage and anger, I'm in total shock. I've spoken to him, he cried, apologized for ruining my life, etc. After all it is a skin infection. There are worse things in the world, especially as far as infectious diseases go.. That's what I have to keep telling myself. I've read enough to know HSV-1 Genital outbreaks are less frequent than HSV-2, and the chance of transmission with daily valtrex and additional protection is close to 1-2%.
As life would have it, I recently met an incredible guy... Oh and now my ex wants to get back together (yikes, maybe if he had come around 3 weeks earlier things would be different). I can't help but think they both would find me disgusting and undesirable if I were to disclose (though I'm definitely not ready to be intimate, let alone share this with a potential partner). I know the facts... I studied both viruses extensively in college so I'm prepared to answer any questions. It's a shame the stigma is out there. I guess I'm super frustrated because I've always been careful with sexual partners and always gotten myself tested. I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer a partner. I want kids, I want to be married, I want a life. This whole situation has been quite a setback for me emotionally. But Maybe it's a blessing In disguise so I can have the opportunity to be a bit more choosy about who I spend my time with.
I've read into how to disclose and it seems the longer you wait (to make sure the person is worth it) the better. But isn't it fair to be upfront and honest with them before they develop feelings so if they want out its easier for them? How do I even go about bringing up the conversation? Does anyone else have any advice for how to go about it? I'm not afraid of rejection..... I guess I just never thought this would be something I would have to do.
Thanks for your time.
Using condoms and valtrex daily w ghsv 1, would actually make your chances of transmission, less than 1%, as ghsv 1 sheds half of what gshv 2, which is what the statistics are on.
Getting H makes most if us go through a grieving process and we need time to process it and come to acceptance. You will go through the 7 steps of grieving through this period and those who have tried dating before they've come to acceptance, have a harder time w dating and eventually come to the realization, that they need time to focus on themselves and not worry about dating. Perhaps this is something you should consider, before getting involved any further in dating, so you can feel more confident in your status maybe?
You have to stop blaming yourself. I have been on the forums for over a yr and I have seen 19yr old virgins, who are waiting till marriage for sex, get ghsv1. I watched a 50 something yr old women who had been w her husband for 30yrs get ghsv1. I went two yrs no sex , had it once and got HSV 2. I also have oral hsv 1 from my ex husband. It doesn't matter how careful you are or how infrequently you have sex, as a living being you will always be at risk and coukd have gotten it at any point in your life, as most of us will have, on one of the two places.
All that you have to offer, does not change just because you got H. H does not define you. I have been rejected by a guy for having hypothyroidism, I didn't even get to the part about having stage 4 endometriosis, Sjogrens and possibly Cushing's as well. I tested the waters w my hypothyroidism and he was concerned about weight gain! Do my autoimmune diseases make me any less of what I have to offer, because I have them? Did my oral herpes that I got long before HSV 2 make me less of a person?
I had 7 gfs w HSV 2 before I ever got it. 5 are married, 6 w kids and one has never been rejected in the 9yrs she's has it. They all had vaginal deliveries w healthy babies. This changes NOTHING about the course of your life, except for adding disclosure. Think of a pie chart w eveythjng we do in life and compare it to how often H is a part of that pie chart? It would be a barely visible line on the pie chart, as we don't spend that much time disclosing to new partners our entire life. It's such a small blip on the radar and only till you come to acceptance, will you recognise how insignificant it will be in your life. Would you mind sharing w me, how H impacts and changes your life from your perspective?
Trust me, there is a silver lining to having H believe it or not and one of them is what you said;.. Not wasting your time on people you normally would have. It also makes you stop thinking and being clouded by lust, ignoring red flags and pay more attention to a person's charcater. Our hormones can really put a soft colored lense on soneone new, making them appear so much better than they are. I'd have to say for me, H removed that destructive filter for me and to stop romanticizing men.
I used to think like you did about disclosing upfront, because it felt like I was lying and that's because you haven't come to acceptance yet. It's absurd that we feel we have to divulge personal info like that so quickly. If you had depression, is that something you'd disclose early on? Nope! I was on the verge of disclosing possibly in another few weeks to a month and my biggest concern was, after I got my autoimmune diseases on the table first, which he stated weren't ideal, but he likes me enough that it didn't matter; was when to drop the big D bomb...? Before or after I disclose H ? I asked my friend who has H, which she thought I should disclose first and when I should disclose depression and she told me to disclose the H first and then wait sometime after that, till I disclosed my depression. I asked her if she thought there was a bigger stigma on depression than H and she said yes. How do you like those apples and you know what? H is easier to disclose than my depression. I am more harshly judged for depression than H.
As far as broaching the subject, you start off asking if they've ever had cold sores or knkw anyone w them and listen to their answer. Then explain that you have that, but down there from oral sex. After you get that initial statement out, the convo flows on it's own after that believe it or not.
I disclosed to an ex boyfriend (he moved back from living out of town and we are rekindling the flame) anyways, I was really scared but just explained how hard it was for me and still is and told
Him I haven't told but two people and wish to keep it that way. I told him I respect him and would never be intimate without allowing him to make his own decisions. I briefly told him the risks and said I respect whatever your decision is. He apologized for what I was going through and asked me to have sex that night lol. I'm a pretty good judge of character as I'm sure you are just feel the situation out. As my mom told me don't worry about it guys don't care they just want to have sex lol. Be confident and remember what you said it's a skin infection with a bad rap. Annoying, yea but that's about the extent of it. You have far more to offer and are worth way more than for someone to turn you down because of something so small. :) sorry for the book I just blabbed on lol.
One more thing.. He hasn't told anyone and worships the ground I walk on! Never did I think that someone would be so crazy over me with having H. I found that when I first found out I was more upset over not being able to tell my boyfriend of 3 years... Because h made me realize I can't trust him and in return made me realize he wasn't the one for me. I blamed h at first and cried for weeks. It wasn't h, it was the man I was dating. Try to keep that in mind too.. If you're hesitant about telling someone really evanulate why and trust your gut. Had I told the man I was dating he probably would have told everyone after I broke up with him. My (your) sexual health is no ones business but yours and the person you choose to be with and that man will respect you 100%! Goodluck girlfriend! Hope this helped!
@2legit2quit:
Thank you for your kind words. I too unfortunately suffer from major depression so these past few weeks have been especially hard. I find a lot of healing in physical activity as far as depression is concerned, particularly aerobic exercise.
To answer your question, having H has altered my sexual identity. I was never particularly picky about who I chose to be with in the past nor was I overly concerned with safety...(I know this is a new infection because there are no igG antibodies... Only igM-- even then the reference range is in the indeterminate window, so I'm going in for another blood test sometime next week). I was young and lived my life with this view of "if I want to have sex I'm going to because I'll be damned if a woman has to condemn her sexuality to the views of society." My gynecologist once told me i should be having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, all the time, SAFELY. And I did just that.
All things considered, life will go on. I just fear men won't find me desirable after i disclose but I understand that's my own lack of self confidence shining through. You are right-- time to focus on me.
@as89 thank you as well for your kind words. If he's the right one he won't mind... And if I don't feel comfortable discussing this with my ex then he certaintly isn't the right one anyway... Affording me the opportunity to dodge a bullet ;)
Of course! Give yourself some time to grieve and move on sister! I still struggle from
Time to time and then I come here and 2legit and dancer get me back up on my feet.
Also... As far as the sexual identity thing goes... I thoroughly enjoy oral sex... Is genital to oral HSV-1 transmission possible? If so does anyone have any statistics?
I think it's completely normal to feel H robs you o your sexual identity; this is one part of the grieving process. When you get to a place of acceptance, which you totally will, I can tell you're one smart cookie and have a good head in your shoulders;... That feeling of losing your sexual identity will dissipate. You have so much to offer someone and the world, w the difference you'll make in infectious disease. This first hand personal experience, I think will make you even more amazing in your career field. Depression is so much harder to deal w than H and if I had a choice to choose between the two and never have one or the other, I would choose H any day over having depression. Hope that helps put it into perspective for you, because H has become not a big deal for me and that's coming from me, who had such severe neuropathy from it, I had to go on anticonvulsants for 4 months, 9 months if nonstop paresthesia and over a yr of not being able to sit on hard surfaces. . I have obs almost daily even on meds and my autoimmune diseases and depression, are a far bigger deal than H will ever be. Hugs!
@2legit2quit you're a sweet angel. Thank you so much. I hope your health improves!! That is a lot for one person to deal with. Thanks again for your kind words xoxo
Hahah! My friend's would never describe me as such, but I'll take it! Hahaha! Yeah, story of my life . something always wrong ...hang in there! Xoxox
@blistersistersUNITE
Hello and Welcome!
First off... I LOVE your screen name!!!
Second, you know the odds are the guy who gave you Genital HSV1 had it orally, not genitally. Just to get you up to steam if you want to get into the ID area of science. 50% of all new Genital herpes cases are HSV1 from oral sex.
Now, having said that, it doesn't preclude you from receiving oral for 2 main reasons:
1) 80% of the population already has HSV1 orally - 60% of young people have it by young adulthood, mostly gotten innocently from other kids (I got it when I was 4).
2) HSV1 sheds a LOT less (about 60% less) than genital HSV2 ... some researchers even question if it can be passed on if you have it genitally, the percentages are that low and it's really hard for scientists to get good info on that stat because most people have had oral and genital contact in the time before getting H and have no idea which one they got it from.
If you are concerned for a HSV1- partner, if you take valtrex your risk is almost nil (getting down near 1% risk). Just don't have sex or get oral if you have an OB or symptoms going on. ????
Well, if you studied it, you know that 80% of people with H don't know they have it. You'll know that 80% of people already have HSV1. You'll know that you can get H with "safe" sex and condom use, and that it doesn't make you a "bad" person. You'll know that H is an equal opportunity virus. You'll know that you CAN get married, CAN have kids (I had 2 - both HSV negative, and I have a 5 yr old granddaughter. I have BOTH types of H and never passed Oral HSV1 it to my kids/granddaughter). You CAN have a life. And yes, this is a great time to re-consider your dating habits if you want to have a serious relationship. Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman ????
As for when to tell, that is a very individual thing. We have people on here having casual sex who have to tell pretty early on in the conversations ( @hippyherpy ), and many who have waited until sex was imminent which can be from days to months into a relationship (read all the Success Stories that you can to see how they play out). There is no "right" way/time to disclose. You do what works for you ...
Gotta cut this short - I meant to get to bed 2 hrs ago... but I'm trying to catch up here.... but these links will help to clarify some of what I've said above....
(((HUGS)))
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Handouts + disclosure e-book:
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[link inactive] Wingman example
[link inactive] (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )
[link inactive] 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways ????
Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial
Herpes facts video
@WCSdancer2010 you are a sweetheart. Thank you
