Hi all... This is my first post. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago when I got my first OB. My ex who I had been with for 6 years gave it to me and his disclosure came as I was realizing what the hell these sores were on my crotch. Because of that experience, I am determined to do the right thing and disclose to every sexual partner before becoming intimate. I've always wanted kids and a family, and importantly, a man who stands by me and loves me as much as I know that I am capable of loving another person. I think this whole herpes deal is actually kind of showing me how to get down to business and I'm learning that it may be my best "wing woman" as I've seen some people describe.... Which brings me to my current story/question
I've recently been dating this guy for about two months. We started off fairly slow. He was a gentleman taking me on dates and asking how my day was and telling me he really wanted me to "open up" so he could "get to know me better". I started spending the night at his house a few times a week and every now and then he would try to make the moves but when I said we needed to wait he respected my request. He shared that he really liked me and that he wasn't interested in trying to talk to other girls. He was telling me he was a one-woman kind of man. And he shared his dreams of one day having a family. I began to feel closer to him and more comfortable with him. Finally, I came to the point where the steamy make-out/ dry hump sessions just weren't cutting it anymore. I felt compelled to have "the talk" because I felt ready for this relationship to move forward. So I sat him down, muted the tv, and began... shakily, slowly. Finally, I got it all out and there it was. This big secret I had was now out in the light- and I was out of the closet. He responded calmly, saying "it's not like that big of a deal, right?" and "my ex had [hsv1] which is like the same thing right just on your mouth?" I answered his questions the best I could and tried to convey the facts. He seemed normal, saying that he would do his research and then we moved on to general conversation. I left soon after and he walked me out to my car per usual. He said he would text me, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him to say.
A day goes by and...radio silence. I usually hear from him at least once a day. Just a check in or "have a good day" type of thing. But now, nothing. I couldn't take suspense any longer and, feeling like I already knew his decision I texted him. He responded saying "sorry, i just been thinking things over, its taking me a while to process everything cause I really like you but its not easy". This gave me hope, and I said "I completely understand. I appreciate that you're taking the time to consider everything. I'll give you the space and time you need". end of convo.
As of today, I've given him a little over two days of "space and time" and I haven't heard anything. I feel like I left things a little too open ended. I'm wondering, how long is a typical wait for someone to decide they want to move forward with you regardless of your status, or to at least get to know you more and see if they want to move forward? Because I'm on the receiving end, the wait feels like an eternity and patience is a virtue. But I also know that at some point, he should be able to make a decision about this because I am well aware of my worth, and my potential as a partner in a loving relationship regardless of the fact that i have herpes. If he isn't sure or isn't willing to walk through this with me, I know I can find someone who will. Anyways, I'm trying to remember to stay calm, and respect that this is a big commitment for the guy. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice as to how to proceed with him? For you H veterans, does this look like rejection or do I need to practice more patience and continue to hope for the best?
hi and welcome. I only got diagnosed about 3 months ago so I cant really help you with the whole disclosure thing but I can try to help you understand things from the guy end. most of this forum is women, which is great but they aren't guys, thankfully cause they all are freakin HOT.
He may be still thinking things over. men don't run off and ask our friends, our hairdressers, our coworkers, etc we tend to try to deal with it ourselves. part of me thinks its good that he dint send you a, hey its all good, just thinking, text. ( as an old fart this texting thing seems like a cop out to me, sorry but this guy named bell invented a device that lets you actually TALK to anyone in the world!!!!!) you kind of dropped a bomb into his lap ( a stigma bomb) and he is trying to process it. I personally think the fact that its label a " life long" disease makes people think it means auto marriage and THAT freak guys out when we actually ask the girl to marry us!!. lol.
so, give it some time, be prepared for a negative response just in case. tell him its his loss ( and it is im sure) but give him his space. he didn't say take a long walk off a short pier so im guessing he is just weighing things right now.
I am going to add, there are lots of deal breakers for people, weight, ethnicity, religion, income, etc herpes is just another in a long list of (primarily) superficial reasons someone might not want to go forward.
I wish you good luck and all the future happiness you can handle.
Thank you seeker! I get alot of advice from my girlfriends (all general, because they don't know I have H so we don't get too specific) but it is realllly helpful to get a man's perspective. I am preparing for the worst but maintaining a sense of cautious optimism. I agree with the texting thing. It seemed the best way to keep my distance but I hope that when he is ready, we can ditch the phones all together and have a face to face discussion, whatever his decision is. Your comment has helped renew my resolve to respect his process and give him what I promised, space and time. Thanks again :)
im glad to help.
as to the whole kids thing, its no big deal having H and having wee ones. im sure dancer will chime in on this particular issue. sorry but my offspring came before herpes and Im the dad so its different.
Those were some of the first questions I asked the OB/GYN when I got my official dx. For now, I choose not to worry about those things because of the positive things I've read and because it is a situation (hopefully) in my distant future. I made reference to all that stuff because in my mind, marriage and children are potential products of a serious relationship. The reference to such things ties into herpes being my "wing woman" and in this situation, a way to see someone walking away as an opportunity for "the one" to find his way in.
well I hope it works out for you in the best way possible. whatever that way is. and if this guy isn't the one im sure there will be one somewhere down the line.
@threelittlebirds
Hello and Welcome!
So here's my quick advice (I want to have a quiet evening so I'm trying to motor through these things)
I would send him a text with the links to the handouts and e-book on here and maybe the youtube vid (all links below) and tell him to be VERY careful about where he is getting his information because a lot of sites post poor/incorrect info ... ESPECIALLY Google images (where the worst photos are always near the top ... and it's not just Herpes .. tell him to look up Psoriasis ... it looks like anyone with that has the plague which is far from the truth!) so just help to guide him to the better sites (if he wants more, point him to Westover Heights, the CDC, and Medhelp.)
Once you have done that, it's a waiting game. I had a guy who totally flipped out (you should have heard him ... it became a joke later) who took a month to come around, and we dated for 3 years ... *I* broke it off because I just didn't see him as someone I wanted to grow old with ....
(((HUGS)))
Handouts + disclosure e-book:
[link inactive]
Herpes facts videoHey, @threelittlebirds... Extraordinary as I've just posted an update to my thread 16 Years With Herpes but Still Scared.
Our stories, up until your brave disclosure are so similar. Been two months of heavy petting and getting closer and what you are going through is the thing I haven't got the courage to face. You have done an amazing thing which can only serve you well in this or any other relationship you have. Why can't I see that finding the courage you have will strengthen your resolve if you ever find yourself doing this again?
I think that if this was a definite deal breaker for the guy, he would've taken the easy opportunity in texting to say, "well thanks but I don't think I can do this." Two days in "guy time" isn't that long, especially if they have emotional things to think over. No offence guys but I think that's the reason in most relationships that we ladies get frustrated when a guy takes a day to respond to something your girlfriends would've responded to six times back and forth in the same day!
I really think from the sounds of this guy that if he wasn't giving it any thought and just wanted out it may have been an easier consideration and you would have your answer. I know I would need time if it were me but I never got that choice and what a great thing you have done for you and him by getting it out there.....
I truly wish you luck and know that you have given me a nudge towards being as honest, courageous and authentic as you are :-)
No offence guys but I think that's the reason in most relationships that we ladies get frustrated when a guy takes a day to respond to something your girlfriends would've responded to six times back and forth in the same day!
Amen to that!!! LOL ... Just dealt with a guy who would go into "radio silence" every time he was the least bit unsure ... drove me mad because I just face things when they come up and I don't run and hide from them :p
@wcsdancer2010 so happy to hear that your guy took a month, mine is going on week two after disclosure, he texts a couple times a week to check in but no details on his "process." I'm expecting that he'll hit the road but will be glad if he surprises me and doesn't.
@WCSDancer2010 thank you! I sent him the disclosure handout link so we'll see where that goes I guess. I asked if he'd be interested in it if i sent it and he said yea you can send it... whether he'll check it out or take it in to consideration i don't know but it makes me feel better that i did my due diligence. It is nice to hear that it may take longer than a few days for a response. It irritates me to have to put myself in the position of letting him decide from this point whether we move forward. I know that if it wasn't H, he might have walked away for other reasons but the fact is, his behavior changed as a direct result of my disclosure. I also know that at anytime i can make the decision to end it but I want to see where he takes it. Its a humbling experience.
@Miji69 thanks for sharing! I'm so glad my story resonated with you and you were able to relate. As scary as it was, it got to a point where the secret was really bothering me and i felt like it was holding us back. Even though disclosing may make him decide to leave, I feel relief that now we can either move forward or I can stop "wasting time" and open myself up to other possibilities. Good luck to you! I'm crossing my fingers for both of us!
@threelittlebirds
It irritates me to have to put myself in the position of letting him decide from this point whether we move forward.
Well, as you said, it could well have been something else ... check these links out for some other perspectives on how Herpes can be your Wingman ... as well as how we cope with "Rejection" .... I think it may help you a bit :)
[link inactive]
[link inactive] (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )
Rejection
/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)
[link inactive] (my blog)
[link inactive]
(((HUGS)))
I can relate @threelittlebirds. I am still having such a difficult time with this. I am a beautiful, intelligent, loving, and caring person inside and out and I can't stop feeling that I am permanently tainted. I have lost my sparkle, fire, and confidence. My ex- boyfriend claims that he didn't know that he was a carrier. I have my suspicions, but that is beside the point I guess. I have been reading this site for some time and I have mixed feelings about some of the things said on here. I guess I decided to post today because I am facing my second rejection. I really liked this guy. And he doesn't even know his status and has decided he just can't. It stings very badly, and I'm feeling like if he cannot accept this, who would? Before this happened to me, it would have been a deal breaker for me. I would love an H buddy. It would be great to have a male (just might make me feel better that there are men out there living with this and actually be able to talk to them), but I would also love talking with a female.
@jjallabouth it saddens me to hear that you feel as if you've lost what makes you shine. I can understand those feelings because I experienced that strongly in the first stages of my post-breakup post-diagnosis world. What initially helped was reading success stories to help me realize that out of many possible ways in which our lives play out (with herpes as a factor) we CAN have what we want and deserve. Ok, so it is possible, but, now how do I navigate the road and deal with the specific difficulties i am going to have to face? the big one here, and it seems like this is what is troubling your heart as it has been mine, is rejection. the links that dancer posted were helpful. I recommend them. keep reading and listening and learning and growing. These are things that herpes has given us the OPPORTUNITY to do for ourselves. As Adrial quoted in the podcast linked above, "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek". Don't give up, don't lose heart! Know that I am sending love and positive vibes your way :)
@WCSDancer2010 thank you for the links to the information. I found the forum story of disclosure/rejection especially enlightening and I really enjoyed the podcast. The podcast actually addressed something that has been bothering me about my specific experience in this disclosure. At the end, one of the ladies mentioned something about being able to have an adult conversation about noticing the person distancing themselves from you. That is exactly what I have noticed from my guy. My struggle, however, is that I promised him his "time and space". I feel that to bring something like this up (and i'd prefer a telephone conversation to a text message) I would be in breach of my "promise". Does anyone have thoughts or advice on this?
I guess this last point I had the question on isn't really H-specific.. Still open to people's thoughts if there are any
Well, I think you are also entitled to knowing where he is. For future reference, I have found that men do better when you agree on a time frame, or they go off and forget that YOU are part of their processing. So I would give him a week .. if he has not gotten back then I would just drop him a line asking if you could get together to see where he is at and if you can help him with any questions he has. Let him know that you miss him but that you want to honor his processing time too... so he remembers that there are 2 people being affected by this :)
Thank you dancer.. It helps to hear that I am still part of his process. I know I'm getting really specific here but when you say a week... A week from disclosure or a week from when I sent him the information? I'm trying not to be impatient and jump the gun on anything. I was thinking a week in my own mind so it's nice to hear I'm being normal in my thought process. I want to contact him today (1 week+1day from D day) but I'm so nervous... I really like this guy :/ but I'm also really anxious to know what's going on in his mind. And you're right, I do miss him :(
Ok never mind, I couldn't sit with the uncertainty any longer. I have to be authentic with my feelings and I felt as if I needed to say something today. I am so nervous waiting to hear what he'll say... if anything. I hope to update this post with some good news. Thanks for stickin with me on this one..
Sorry I have not been on here as much - I'm at my father's with limited internet access until Tuesday I am afraid :( ..
Crossing fingers for you friend :)
No worries, Dancer, I appreciate the effort and commitment you show to responding to all of us who post :)
Update.. I texted him yesterday saying I needed communication could we meet up, maybe I could answer questions if you had any, blah blah blah... and NO RESPONSE. I half expected that. At least I have my answer but, I feel no sense of closure. Was it the way I presented the disclosure? Did it force him to examine his true intentions? Is H just a deal-breaker for him? Was I too pushy during his processing? Did I present the disclosure too soon?
He'll never give me the answer. But I have to be ok with the fact that it could have been any one or combination of those things (and/or something non-H).
I'm sad and disappointed but, ultimately OK and handling it a little better than I thought. Still trying to process it in a healthy way though.
:-( I completely feel you right now @threelittlebirds.
Unfortunately you may never hear back from him. And I truly am sorry for that. It hurts, I know. There are so many unanswered questions when someone just goes off the grid. Same situation with my ex-boyfriend. Don't beat yourself up over the "what if's". I did that as well. I know I did not handle the disclosure well, but in reality, I don't think the outcome would have been different had I done things differently. There could also be other circumstances in your guys life that are causing him to push away. I found out mine battles depression and cannot deal with "stressful" situations.
Try not to think about the lack of response - don't be like me and drive yourself crazy checking your phone every 5 minutes ... then send another text ... it just doesn't help. Unfortunately sometimes we won't have the answers to the why (this f'ing herpes has definitely taught me that the last couple of weeks).
Just know that you did the RIGHT thing. You disclosed it. You came clean. You respected him enough (and yourself btw) to tell him the truth. If he does respond - super! But if not, then you know that he wasn't "the one". You want someone to support you, not run.
And, chin up - he just may need some more time. My guy and I were only together a month when I had a breakout and found out. It's a lot to process, especially if you haven't been together a long time.
Hi all ... This is my first post. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago when I got my first OB. My ex who I had been with for 6 years gave it to me and his disclosure came as I was realizing what the hell these sores were on my crotch. Because of that experience, I am determined to do the right thing and disclose to every sexual partner before becoming intimate. I've always wanted kids and a family, and importantly, a man who stands by me and loves me as much as I know that I am capable of loving another person. I think this whole herpes deal is actually kind of showing me how to get down to business and I'm learning that it may be my best "wing woman" as I've seen some people describe.
I've recently been dating this guy for about two months. We started off fairly slow. He was a gentleman taking me on dates and asking how my day was and telling me he really wanted me to "open up" so he could "get to know me better". I started spending the night at his house a few times a week and every now and then he would try to make the moves but when I said we needed to wait he respected my request. He shared that he really liked me and that he wasn't interested in trying to talk to other girls. He was telling me he was a one-woman kind of man. And he shared his dreams of one day having a family. I began to feel closer to him and more comfortable with him. Finally, I came to the point where the steamy make-out sessions just weren't cutting it anymore. I felt compelled to have "the talk" because I felt ready for this relationship to move forward. So I sat him down, muted the tv, and began ... shakily, slowly. Finally, I got it all out and there it was. This big secret I had was now out in the light -- and I was out of the closet. He responded calmly, saying "it's not like that big of a deal, right?" and "my ex had it which is like the same thing right just on your mouth?" I answered his questions the best I could and tried to convey the facts. He seemed normal, saying that he would do his research and then we moved on to general conversation.
A day goes by and ... radio silence. I usually hear from him at least once a day. Just a check in or "have a good day" type of thing. But now, nothing. I couldn't take the suspense any longer and texted him. He responded saying "sorry, I just been thinking things over, its taking me a while to process everything cause I really like you but its not easy". This gave me hope, and I said "I completely understand. I appreciate that you're taking the time to consider everything. I'll give you the space and time you need."
As of today, I've given him a little over two days of "space and time" and I haven't heard anything. The wait feels like an eternity. But I also know that at some point, he should be able to make a decision about this because I am well aware of my worth, and my potential as a partner in a loving relationship regardless of the fact that I have herpes. If he isn't sure or isn't willing to walk through this with me, I know I can find someone who will. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice as to how to proceed with him?
Hi and welcome. I can try to help you understand things from the guy end. Most of this forum is women, which is great but they aren't guys.
He may be still thinking things over. Men don't run off and ask our friends, our hairdressers, our coworkers, etc. We tend to try to deal with it ourselves. Part of me thinks it's good that he didn't send you a "hey it's all good, just thinking" text. You kind of dropped a bomb into his lap (a stigma bomb) and he is trying to process it.
So, give it some time, be prepared for a negative response just in case. Tell him it's his loss (and it is I'm sure) but give him his space. He didn't say take a long walk off a short pier so I'm guessing he is just weighing things right now.
I am going to add, there are lots of deal breakers for people -- weight, ethnicity, religion, income, etc. Herpes is just another in a long list of (primarily) superficial reasons someone might not want to go forward.
Thank you seeker! It is really helpful to get a man's perspective. I am preparing for the worst but maintaining a sense of cautious optimism. Your comment has helped renew my resolve to respect his process and give him what I promised, space and time.
Our stories, up until your brave disclosure are so similar. Been two months of heavy petting and getting closer and what you are going through is the thing I haven't got the courage to face. You have done an amazing thing which can only serve you well in this or any other relationship you have. Why can't I see that finding the courage you have will strengthen your resolve if you ever find yourself doing this again?
I really think that if this was a definite deal breaker for the guy, he would've taken the easy opportunity in texting to say, "well thanks but I don't think I can do this." Two days in "guy time" isn't that long, especially if they have emotional things to think over. I truly wish you luck and know that you have given me a nudge towards being as honest, courageous and authentic as you are.
I can relate. I am still having such a difficult time with this. I am a beautiful, intelligent, loving, and caring person inside and out and I can't stop feeling that I am permanently tainted. I have lost my sparkle, fire, and confidence. I have been reading this site for some time and I have mixed feelings about some of the things said on here. I guess I decided to post today because I am facing my second rejection. I really liked this guy. And he doesn't even know his status and has decided he just can't. It stings very badly, and I'm feeling like if he cannot accept this, who would? Before this happened to me, it would have been a deal breaker for me.
I sent him the disclosure handout link so we'll see where that goes I guess. It is nice to hear that it may take longer than a few days for a response. It irritates me to have to put myself in the position of letting him decide from this point whether we move forward. I know that if it wasn't H, he might have walked away for other reasons but the fact is, his behavior changed as a direct result of my disclosure. I also know that at anytime I can make the decision to end it but I want to see where he takes it. It's a humbling experience.
It saddens me to hear that you feel as if you've lost what makes you shine. I can understand those feelings because I experienced that strongly in the first stages of my post-breakup post-diagnosis world. What initially helped was reading success stories to help me realize that out of many possible ways in which our lives play out (with herpes as a factor) we CAN have what we want and deserve. Keep reading and listening and learning and growing. These are things that herpes has given us the OPPORTUNITY to do for ourselves. As someone quoted, "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Don't give up, don't lose heart!
Update ... I texted him yesterday saying I needed communication, could we meet up, maybe I could answer questions if he had any ... and NO RESPONSE. I half expected that. At least I have my answer but, I feel no sense of closure. Was it the way I presented the disclosure? Did it force him to examine his true intentions? Is H just a deal-breaker for him? Was I too pushy during his processing?
He'll never give me the answer. But I have to be ok with the fact that it could have been any one or combination of those things.
I'm sad and disappointed but, ultimately OK and handling it a little better than I thought.
I completely feel you right now. Unfortunately you may never hear back from him. And I truly am sorry for that. It hurts, I know. Don't beat yourself up over the "what if's". I know I did not handle the disclosure well, but in reality, I don't think the outcome would have been different had I done things differently.
Just know that you did the RIGHT thing. You disclosed it. You came clean. You respected him enough (and yourself btw) to tell him the truth. If he does respond -- super! But if not, then you know that he wasn't "the one". You want someone to support you, not run.
I don't know that at this point, that I'd even want to hear from him ever again. It really bothers me that he handled the situation this way. Maybe I'm being harsh though. Maybe selfish?
Thanks for reminding me that I did the right thing in disclosing. I have to remember to feel good about that.
Just realize that *some* men have NO IDEA how to deal with uncomfortable conversations and they would rather run than face them. Be glad you saw that side early on ... it often doesn't show until you have a lot of time invested and something "big" comes up ...
And yes -- you did the right thing, and I'm sure you did it the right way. You just didn't have the "right" man to receive it.
I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted from your guy. The thing is, you behaved with love and integrity so huge kudos to you. I am getting ready to disclose to someone important to me and I am frankly scared. But I also know that what is more important than keeping the man, is keeping my self. I have been working hard on accepting H as a part of me, much like my hair color, age and weight. It does not define me, but it is not something I can ignore. You have inspired me with your honesty. Thank you!
Well, I'm back with an update. Thanks for the words of encouragement and support, ladies.
So, long story short I ran into him on Halloween after not hearing back from him. I called him out about not texting me back and he said he needed more time and he really was still thinking. Next night he texted and asked if I was mad and I told him I was confused and he said he was too and that he missed me and we'd get together soon to talk. So last night he asked me to come over. I did, and he proceeded to act like everything was normal ... so I said "soooo you've been thinking" and he said that he was and that he was a germophobe/ocd but that he liked me and he didn't want to say "no" before he really knew what he was saying no to. I told him I appreciated that and then the subject changed and the night went on like normal.
Now, instead of being able to go through the mourning/moving on process, I'm right back where I was a few days ago. SO confused.
YOU take control of the situation. YOU make it clear that he needs to be clear about what his intentions are. That he can't come swanning back all of a sudden and act like nothing happened. Yes, you threw him a curveball and he should have caught that thing, done his research and figured out whether it was something he could live with and then let you know ... not just leave you hanging. In other words, you let him know what you need from him, and see if he steps up. You did the right thing in telling him -- he needs to do the right thing and be clear about what his intentions are at this point.
Thank you dancer, you never disappoint. That is what I've been struggling with here, the ability to take control of a situation that I feel is at this point out of my hands. I HATE giving what feels like ultimatums but I also hate feeling toyed with. This was my EXACT problem in my last relationship (where H wasn't really a part of it because he disclosed when it was already too late) ... I allowed so much BS and never *really* took a stand for myself (until I FINALLY broke up with him). I vowed I would never allow that again but, for some reason I didn't realize how difficult it would be!
As crazy as this sounds, I feel like I must have gotten herpes for a reason. It is really the opportunity I needed (wish it could have been something else but, hey it could be way worse!) to learn how to grow personally and start getting what I want AND need out of a relationship.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us as it is tremendously helpful to read your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It sounds to me like this guy is keeping you hanging to keep his options open. Well, maybe he is not the best option for you. You SO did the right thing by disclosing. You've got your integrity and you will NOT do to someone else what was done to you. I hope you feel FANTASTIC about that. There is an EVEN BETTER man out there for you.
Hi all! I wanted to do a follow-up post as a kind of "closure" for myself and for this particular story.
To update anyone who has followed along, I still hadn't heard from this guy and so came to my own conclusions about his feelings and his intentions with me. I went out with my friend and a new guy showed interest and we ended up planning a date. Friday night as I'm driving home the guy I disclosed to saw my car, and called me ... then texted me "I just saw your car lol where are you going?" He called me again so I answered. He proceeded to try to get me to come over (mind you this is like 2 am). I said "what makes you think you can give me the silent treatment for 3 weeks and then ask me to come over suddenly when it's convenient for you???" He laughed and said, "convenient? come on don't try to act tough." You guys ... I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?
On Monday I went to dinner with one of my best friends, and we were talking about the above interactions when she said, "if you don't mind ... what WAS that conversation about that made him do a 180?" I have never told ANYONE besides this potential sexual partner and doctors about herpes and I didn't have any intentions of letting my friends in on it ... But for some reason, in the moment, I just felt like I needed to tell her. Her response couldn't have been more perfect. Without batting an eye she said "OMG I'm so sorry ... but the right guy will be able to see past it." It took me a long time to come to that very same conclusion. To hear that from someone who cares about me was huge and, she didn't even have to think about it.
In hindsight, as I analyze this dating run and my interactions with this guy and his actions and everything leading up to my disclosure ... I have learned so much. Herpes was a true wing woman to me in this situation ... it bounced this douche bag right out of my life before I might have been able to realize on my own that he just isn't it for me. I've gained more resolve for the future in setting strong boundaries and gained a better sense of how to do so through reading, reflecting, and experience.
Thank you to all who have helped with your words of encouragement, guidance, support and references. And to anyone reading this, terrified of rejection, nervous about a disclosure ... know that you have the power to frame your experiences in a positive light. I know I will be nervous and scared the next time I find myself disclosing but, I look forward to it. To finding someone I feel I am able to open up to. This rejection did not discourage me, no, it has only strengthened my resolve to find someone that can equal my intention, effort, and respect. Dealing and living with herpes has pointed me in the right direction to find that special someone.
What a great conclusion to your story ...
I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?
Yup -- the Herpes Wingman to the rescue! He didn't want to get into YOU ... he wanted to GET INTO you.
Good luck with the new guy. And congratulations on finding your power through this. Proud of you chica!
Well here is the thing (and sorry guys, as I am generalizing) but the more I study dating and relationships (trying to figure my own way through this) the more I realize that there is at least *some* truth in the stuff I keep hearing that men often don't know HOW to respond, so they just don't. I went through a long (too long, but I don't quit easily) attempt to date this guy who was great until *any* little thing came along (whether it was me or something else) and then he totally shut down. I tried to be patient, then I tried to call him on it, and neither way EVER got a response for any of the incidents.... it was a HUGE eye opener to be trying to get to know someone who *Claims* to be thinking of me and wanting to get to know me but who is so paralyzed when it comes to just plain being HONEST that they can't even respond or follow up even when they AGREED on a date. I still have no idea what is going on in his head but I finally stepped away after I asked to meet for my own clarity and he not only never contacted to give me a time (as agreed), but when I finally texted him (TWICE) to ask (by which time it was getting late) he says he had something come up and couldn't do it. I know he would have known this change of plans MUCH earlier in the day but he didn't have the INTEGRITY to call me (I could have gone dancing that night and when I sent him my "I'm out" text (which I wouldn't do but he did EVERYTHING by text) I pointed out that it was out of integrity to leave me hanging when I had other things I could do. I figured to hell with it, I'm not tip toeing around his behavior any more :p
Anyway, just realize that *some* men have NO IDEA how to deal with uncomfortable conversations and they would rather run than face them. Be glad you saw that side early on ... it often doesn't show until you have a lot of time invested and something big" comes up....
And yes - you did the right thing, and I'm sure you did it the right way. You just didn't have the "right" man to receive it :(
(((HUGS)))
hi @threelittlebirds. I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted from your guy. The thing is, you behaved with love and integrity so huge Kudos to you. I am getting ready to disclose to someone important to me and I am frankly scared. But I also know that what is more important than keeping the man, is keeping my self. I have been working hard on accepting H as a part of me, much like my hair color, age and weight. It does not define me, but it is not something I can ignore. There is a simple truth that anytime you hurt another you hurt yourself and vice versa. You have inspired me with your honesty. Thank you!
Not selfish at all hon! I was in a marriage for 15 years. And, although obviously it didn't work out, no matter what was going on, we always supported each other through every failure, obstacle, whatever. I know that sounds corny but its true. Life sucks but it's so much easier when you have one person you know, without a doubt, will always be there for you. So, not selfish at all. It's what everyone deserves. You don't want someone who will run away. Both aren't strong at the same time, one has to be strong for the other. But, that's hard to ask for or expect unfortunately when the relationship is so new.
And you definitely should be proud of yourself for disclosing!!!! I have to do that myself to a past relationship. I'm sick about it!
Hi @threelittlebirds, you did everything right! I agree with @Dancer that men are not always good at dealing with things. The guy I disclosed too never gave me " closure " either. I think it's easier for some ( I'm sure it goes for some women too) to just ghost and save the hard talk...they don't have to feel like they made you feel bad, or be the bad person. This lesson has taught me how I want to be and will always give closure if I am not interested, then that person will not be hanging... simple courtesy if you ask me. We just have to keep trying, there will be someone who connects with us
Us women love our closure don't we? Hahaha
@threelittlebirds I posted this a few days ago but it didn't post for some reason. I just wanted to say thank you for your encouragement and I will take your advice!
Well, I'm back with an update. Thanks for the words of encouragement and support, ladies.
So, long story short I ran into him on Halloween after not hearing back from him... gasp, cringe, shudder. I called him out about not texting me back and he said he needed more time and he really was still thinking. next night he texted and asked if i was mad and i told him i was confused and he said he was too and that he missed me and we'd get together soon to talk. so last night he asked me to come over. i did, and he proceeded to act like everything was normal... so i said "soooo you've been thinking" and he said that he was and that he was a germophobe/ocd (as i already knew) but that he liked me and he didn't want to say "no" before he really knew what he was saying no to. i told him i appreciated that and then the subject changed and the night went on like normal, i slept over and left in the morning and have yet to hear from him. i feel like i missed my opportunity to say "well what questions do you have, maybe i can answer some" or somehow guide his research or something.
Now, instead of being able to go through the mourning/moving on process, im right back where i was a few days ago. SO confused. was he just "appeasing" me by hanging out with me? will i not hear from him for another week? should i text/call him? ugh this freakin sucks. Although I really like the fact that he doesn't want to flat out reject me because of H, It's not very reassuring to me to see how he's going about this whole thing.
WHAT NOW???
Wow - I think I just dated that guy too ... I had a guy that I was seeing who would disappear, and if I left him alone he'd text me and get right back into it like nothing was wrong ... then disappear again. Said he was thinking of me but didn't do much to prove it most of the time. Drove.Me.NUTS.
I finally realized *I* had to figure out what MY boundaries were, what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. I requested that we get together to talk so I could get clarity, he agreed to text me that Friday when he knew what time he'd be available. 6pm came along and no message. I texted to ask what time he could meet... nothing. Sent a second text saying "somethings never change" and he finally texts that he's moving (I knew that) and that he had to pack and move stuff that night. Like he didn't already know that a LOT earlier in the day???? So I called him out on it, wished him luck in his life, and moved on. I CHOSE to not be played. As Steve Harvey says ... I'm not a Sport Fish to be played with, reeled in, shown off and thrown back. I'm a keeper. And I deserve to be treated like one. When I resolved that *I* am worth being treated well, it was *reasonably* easy to walk away. Was I sad? Yes. But dammit, I'm tired of men who treat me with disrespect and don't have the spine to be honest with me about where they are at (even if it's not where *I* would like them to be) and I won't take that kind of treatment any more.
So, "What now?". YOU take control of the situation. YOU make it clear that he needs to be clear about what his intentions are. That he can't come swanning back all of a sudden and act like nothing happened. Yes, you threw him a curveball and he should have caught that bitch, done his research and figured out whether it was something he could live with and then let you know ... not just leave you hanging until you ran into him and he HAD to act on it. In other words, you let him know what you need from him, and see if he steps up. You did the right thing in telling him - he needs to do the right thing and be clear about what his intentions are at this point ;)
(((HUGS)))
hahaha... MEN ;) (or should I say males? I happen to think MEN don't act like children.. hehe) thank you dancer, you never disappoint. That is what I've been struggling with here, the ability to take control of a situation that I feel is at this point out of my hands. I HATE giving what feels like ultimatums but I also hate feeling toyed with. This was my EXACT problem in my last relationship (where H wasn't really a part of it because he disclosed when it was already too late)... I allowed so much bs and never *really* took a stand for myself (until I FINALLY broke up with him). I vowed I would never allow that again but, for some reason I didn't realize how difficult it would be! I guess because I thought it would be a different guy, it would be different the next time around but, damnit if old habits dont die hard.
So now I have to build up my nerve and remember my strength (and worth!). It feels so weird to say this out in the open but I feel like I must have gotten herpes for a reason. It is really the opportunity I needed (wish it could have been something else but, hey it could be way worse!) to learn how to grow personally and start getting what I want AND need out of a relationship. I wish the right guy would just fall into my lap... and he might but, now my eyes will be open to who that really is because the reality is we are going to kiss alot of frogs before we find our prince.
SO... I'm journaling (literally handwriting my thoughts out on what I need to get across to him) and I guess I'm gonna give him a call. I'd prefer a face-to-face but last time I requested that I was left hanging. I'm feeling super nervous.
and can I just say, THANK YOU for all the feedback, advice, support, and encouragement from everyone on here... I feel very self-centered as of right now in the (h)opp world because my posts are always me me me help me. I hope my experience with this helps others, and eventually i can feel confident enough to show some other posts the same love i received here. My deepest gratitude to all of you.
Maybe txt him and explain that you know of a website (this forum) that can explain to him all or any questions hes pondering.
i think that maybe from what he knows of the stigma on herpes is probably holding him back.
you cant force him to understand it, but maybe giving him the ehandouts from here is worth a try!
Cuz from what uve posted so far.. i dont think hes willing to give up, i think hes just nervouse... more nervous than u even..
I want so badly to believe that, and for that to be true... I texted him the link to the disclosure handout from this site about a week ago. I reeeally really wish I had probed him more about it last night when I had the chance. I fear that if he really is processing and considering and all that, I'll be nagging if I want to talk about it again tonight. I just can't help but feel that a relationship shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't be so afraid or nervous to contact him, or talk with him about things.
You want to know what helped me recently to completely resolve to not play this game with men any more?
This article:
[link inactive]
Which is SO true not only about relationships but life in general. I have resolved to live my life to be Fuck Yes! as much as possible from that point forward ;)
You are right - the relationship shouldn't feel like that. So change it. If he can't/won't talk and put your mind to rest, then it's up to YOU to let him know what your needs are and how far you are willing to go before YOU walk away. Sometimes a man needs to know that WE have the option to leave too so that they step up and do what they need to for you to feel *safe* with them.....and if they don't. there are plenty of other MEN out there who can/will fill that space.....
I hate to say this, but I don't think he's a good one.
My first clue was that he asked you to come over. I don't care what your housing status is, living at home, roommate, he has a bigger TV, etc., he should have come to you vs. you come to him.
And, as for the communication aspect, if he was thoughtful of your feelings, he'd at least text you something like "Hey babe, I know it's been a few days and you're probably getting worried. I'm still processing all of this and looking at the things you sent me."
@WCSDancer2010 I love that article! My general rule of thumb is, if you have to ask if a guy wants to be with you, he doesn't.
if you have to ask if a guy wants to be with you, he doesn't.
Got THAT right!!!
BUT ...
During the post-disclosure time, well, we sometimes have to give them a pass, at least for a few days. Problem is, men put everything into boxes ... and they can only deal with one box at a time. So when they are worrying if their junk may fall off if they get Herpes (ie, they are not educated about it) they can't deal with how they feel about as well... or they will at least be very frustrated because they are being forced to deal with 2 things at once (Junk Vs feelings) and that can be even harder for them. I had a BF who did the "Herpes Freak Out" thing for a month before the *thinking* head cleared (thanks in part because his Dr told him he was waaay over reacting!) and we were together for 3 years... he would have married me but I realized we had too many other incompatibilities for me to continue...... point is, sometimes they need time to process and we just need to knock on their cave-door once in awhile to let them know that *we* are also having to deal with the situation.... ;)
ok, im not sure how I missed this thread but im sheepishly chiming in.
read the fuck yes thing. I call bs. try being honest and real and not cloy. men have been taught by our moms, sisters, wives, girlfriends, coworkers, etc that if we say the wrong thing, even if its true and how WE feel. there will be hell to pay if it somehow, someway in some intangible way isn't exactly what the female in question wants to hear.
also it sounds wayyy too "oprahish" for me. know what? every couple ive met who made it more than 15 years ( which is forever in our throw away, im not happy right now society) were in the grey area a whole hell of a lot of the time. ive known multiple couples who have been together 40+ years and relationships have their ups and downs, things always run in cycles. both have been utterly passionate for the other AND have wanted to strangle them in their sleep. the difference? they weren't the big whiney, needy children we are today ( do you see current people in America dealing with The Great Depression and WW2 in the same way? ).
guess what? Brad Pitt isn't going to walk through the door and ask you to marry him. To many people are like Jerry Springfield in his show, finding excuses ( often trivial) to end the relationship.
now as to the OP, three, you stated back at the beginning that you would like to talk to a man dealing with this. here I am, talk to me beautiful.
I will say, the guy seems to be stringing you along. im not there and not privey to all the info but it doesn't sound good. but then again I tend to be too honest and open for my own good.
I think even when a couple is in the midst of their bad times, the ones who last were still a "Fuck Yes" ... even when they want to strangle each other. I know when I was married I was never anything else even when we had a fight .... but he is Bisexual (I knew from our second date when I asked him about it because he said a few things that caught my radar) and after 20 years the other team took over and he was miserable... it was me who suggested we separate for HIS happiness. And in a way, we are still a "Fuck Yes" as friends and co-parents.
Thing is, I think many people go into relationships with unsuitable people thinking they can "fix" them or that a certain behavior will magically change when they sign their marriage certificate. It's not Fuck Yes .... it's "I don't deserve/won't get anything better". My oldest daughter has had about 4 BF's now ... *I* knew (as did several others around her) that none of them were "right" for her... even the "good" ones. She's just started dating a new guy and she's the calmest I've seen her about a guy, and she said "I've never felt this before... it just feels *right* with him". She's found her "Fuck Yes", and I know that if he feels the same, she'll fight with everything she has to keep that relationship.
BTW, I'm a big Oprah fan ... ;) ... and I'm sorry that the women in your life trained you that it's ok for a woman to bite your head off if you tell your truth. True, our hormones may cause us to have our moments but that doesn't mean we shouldn't clean that mess up AND learn to identify the signs that we are entering a chemically induced tantrum so we can remove ourselves from the situation until we have them under control. ;) The problem is we don't have the "elders" any more to teach us patience and wisdom and to not take everything personally.
BUT, there are plenty of programs out there for personal growth and having done a few, I can say that it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. Most of what I impart on here has been learned in the last 10 years from a lot of introspection and observation of others ... and I've come to the conclusion that I want a life where I can say Fuck Yes to most of the things I'm doing. Life is too short to stay in a miserable job, or to be in a relationship because someone "accepts" me with Herpes, or whatever. I'm over the half way mark and I plan to enjoy the rest of my time here as much as I can ... so why settle for a "Well, that will do"?
The Fuck Yes or No article makes a ton of sense. Why am I chasing? He's obviously not Fuck Yes so my answer is NO. Even if he was considering it he would still be showing some sort of concern or interest for me, I would think? And he can't seem to meet me halfway on anything. I haven't pushed for a "final response" from him but when I ask for clarity on a few things he leaves me hanging... for a second time. It bothers me that he thinks he can do that. It seems clear what I need to do. This is the end. I'm disappointed but, I'd way rather figure this out now than later down the road. I've been busy with some career pursuits yesterday and today (which has done wonders for my self-esteem) so I haven't had the time to sit down, think about how/what I'm going to say and sEND it. Just knowing that is what I'm going to do has given me peace, though :)
good for you
thanks @seeker !!
OK, I finally got around to reading the "Fuck yes!" article. I did like it. However, I do think that sometimes it can take some time to know if you are "Fuck yes!" For example, this most recent guy I dated, he was asking me out for TWO months!! I rejected him over and over again. I had already judged him before I'd really gotten to know him or given him a chance. I finally agreed to a date, and once I gave him that chance and really got to know him...I was absolutely crazy about him!! There is something to be said for persistence gentleman. Now, granted he ended up rejecting me due to H, which obviously...he wasn't in the long run "Fuck yes!" about me but if I had lived strictly by this article I would never have given him a chance in the first place.
I personally interpreted the article to be more about committing to things that are more long term or that will affect your happiness in the long run. You were not a Fuck Yes at first and that is ok ... you were not ready to explore that until you saw *something* that let you see that there was some potential there. But at *some* point in a newer relationship we usually know if the relationship is Fuck Yes or not... but we often stay in the relationship because we don't believe we will do better, or we just don't want to get back on the dating treadmill again. So I think the point of the article was more about those times when we stay in something that we know in our hearts is not a Fuck Yes....
I agree @WCSDancer2010 !!
Thank you @threelittlebirds for sharing all of this with us as it is tremendously helpful to read your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It sounds to me like this guy is keeping you hanging to keep his options open. Well, maybe he is not the best option for you. You SO did the right thing by disclosing. You've got your integrity and you will NOT do to someone else what was done to you. I hope you feel FANTASTIC about that. He has been throwing out some red flags; I think there is an EVEN BETTER man out there for you.
@forgivenessandpeace I'm glad this thread is helpful... I feel a little crazy sometimes! haha. And thank you for the reminder of encouragement :)
I have to agree, I feel like this guy is making me an option. Stringing me along. If he wanted me or cared about me he would make it happen. I had mentioned in an earlier post that I was going to send something to end it. At this point, I've kind of settled in to the silence. He doesn't care to let me know what's going on, I don't think he'd care to hear that I'm moving on. I'm still thinking about the possibility of saying something versus not saying anything but, the more time that passes the less relevant I feel it would be to say anything.
@threelittlebirds
You are finding your strength my friend! Well done! Every time I allow myself to be treated "badly" I find that the next time I am much more clear about what I won't tolerate and I'm getting much clearer about who I want in my life. Sounds like you are on your way down this path too :)
(((HUGS)))
Hi all! I wanted to do a follow-up post as a kind of "closure" for myself and for this particular story... To update anyone who has followed along, I still hadn't heard from this guy and so came to my own conclusions about his feelings about this and his intentions with me. I went out with my friend and a new guy showed interest and we ended up planning a date for last friday. it was going to be in the area where I last ran into the guy i disclosed to and i couldn't shake the thought of how awkward it would be to run into him again and this time with another guy without ever putting any real closure on the whole thing. I called him Thursday night before the planned date and big freakin surprise no answer. So I was content in that I had done my "due diligence" and FUCK IT if we run into eachother and I'm with someone else. Friday night as I'm driving home the guy i disclosed to saw my car, and called me.. then texted me "I just saw your car lol where are you going?" to which I replied, home. he called me again so I answered. He proceeded to try to get me to come over (mind you this is like 2 am). I said "what makes you think you can give me the silent treatment for 3 weeks and then ask me to come over suddenly when its convenient for you???" He laughed and said, "convenient? come on don't try to act tough." Wow you guys... I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?
On monday I went to dinner with one of my best friends, and we were talking about the above interactions when she said, "if you don't mind.. what WAS that conversation about that made him do a 180?" I have never told ANYONE besides this potential sexual partner and doctors about herpes and I didn't have any intentions of letting my friends in on it... But for some reason, in the moment, I just felt like I needed to tell her. Her response couldn't have been more perfect. Without batting an eye she said "OMG I'm so sorry... but the right guy will be able to see past it." It took me a long time to come to that very same conclusion. To hear that from someone who cares about me was huge and, she didn't even have to think about it.
In hindsight, as I analyze this dating run and my interactions with this guy and his actions and everything leading up to my disclosure.. I have learned so much. Herpes was a true wing woman to me in this situation... it bounced this douche bag right out of my life before I might have been able to realize on my own that he just isn't it for me. I've gained more resolve for the future in setting strong boundaries and gained a better sense of how to do so through reading, reflecting, and experience. I believe that next time I will be more aware of who I am dealing with before I share this part of me.
Thank you to all who have helped with your words of encouragement, guidance, support and references. And to anyone reading this, terrified of rejection, nervous about a disclosure... know that you have the power to frame your experiences in a positive light. I know I will be nervous and scared the next time I find myself disclosing but, I look forward to it. To finding someone I feel I am able to open up to. This rejection did not discourage me, no, it has only strengthened my resolve to find someone that can equal my intention, effort, and respect. Dealing and living with herpes has pointed me in the right direction to find that special someone :)
What a great conclusion to your story......
I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?
Yup - the Herpes Wingman to the rescue! He didn't want to get into YOU ... he wanted to GET INTO you.
Good luck with the new guy. And congratulations on finding your power through this. Proud of you chica!
(((HUGS)))
I just came upon this thread, and it applies to what I'm going through right now. I have GHSV-1 and 3 days ago I disclosed to the guy I've been dating for almost 3 months. We had already slept together a couple times WITH protection... which I know is a taboo subject, but I've had it for 7+ years and even had unprotected sex for 3 years with a consenting partner who never contracted it, I take valtrex daily, and have not had an outbreak since my initial one over 7 years ago.
The night this all happened, we were talking about our "status" and he was pressuring me to go without condoms if we were going to be exclusive... so I figured this was the time to fess up. I told him the risks of transmission (slim with my type!), safety precautions we can take, and gave him the disclosure handout. He said he needs a week to think about it, but it's agonizing! Now it's just a waiting game, but I too can relate to feeling like it's unfair that I have to wait in pain while who knows what he's thinking. I want to send a quick text to just say "hey how's it going, how do you feel today" but after reading this thread, I'll give him the week he asked for.
In the future, I think I will ALWAYS disclose before it gets this far. Not only to be fair to my partner, but also because I think it's only that much harder now that feelings have developed on my end
and P.S. this would definitely not the first time someone has ditched me after disclosing, but I really like this guy and I usually disclose earlier before I get so emotionally attached... kicking myself for that one :-/
@dallas2015
Hello and Welcome!
Glad this thread seems to have helped you ... it's funny ... many people with H believe they are the *only* person going through "X" (there's many scenarios that get repeated) yet I see the same stories on here every week ... and it always makes me happy when I read about someone who has had a revelation after reading about another persons similar experience....
We do encourage people to always disclose before any sexual contact - even though they may have never had an OB or they are on anti-virals, or they have H1, the vast majority of us got this from someone who never gave us that choice ... AND, as you are learning, once we get sexual, there's a whole 'nuther layer of emotions to deal with if the person chooses to end the relationship after disclosure :(
Whatever happens, we are here for you ...
(((HUGS)))
