This is one of the hardest questions people face after a herpes diagnosis: “Do I have to tell them?” The answer is more nuanced than a simple yes or no. Let’s talk through it honestly.
The case people make for not disclosing
Let’s start by acknowledging the fears honestly. People consider not disclosing for understandable reasons:
- “My doctor told me it’s not a big deal and I don’t need to tell anyone”
- Fear of rejection, shame, or being judged
- “The transmission rates are so low, why bother?”
- “Most people have it and don’t know, so what’s the difference?”
- “I’ll use condoms, so they’re protected anyway”
These aren’t crazy rationalizations. Some of them even contain grains of truth. But here’s where we need to get real …
The ethical reality
Regardless of how low the transmission risk is, your partner has a right to make an informed decision about their own body. That’s the core of it.
Imagine the reverse: if your partner had herpes and didn’t tell you, and you found out later, how would you feel? Not about the herpes itself, but about the fact that they didn’t give you the chance to decide for yourself. The breach of trust often hurts more than the diagnosis.
Disclosure isn’t about herpes being dangerous (it’s not, for most people). It’s about respecting someone enough to let them participate in decisions about their own health.
The legal risks
This is important to understand: in some U.S. states and countries, knowingly transmitting an STI without disclosure can have legal consequences.
- Some states have specific STI transmission laws
- Others handle it through civil lawsuits (your partner could sue for damages)
- Criminal charges are possible in some jurisdictions, though they’re relatively rare for herpes specifically
- The legal standard usually requires proof that you knew you had herpes, didn’t disclose, and transmitted it
Laws vary widely by location, and this is not legal advice. But the potential for legal liability is real and worth considering.
What about the “my doctor said not to” situation?
This comes up a lot. Some healthcare providers genuinely downplay herpes to reduce patient anxiety, and may say something like “it’s so common, you don’t really need to tell anyone.”
They’re not wrong that herpes is extremely common (roughly 1 in 6 Americans have HSV-2, and about half have HSV-1). And they’re coming from a purely medical perspective where herpes is indeed a minor condition for most people.
But a doctor’s job is to treat your medical condition. They’re not in the business of advising you on the ethics of intimate relationships. The relational dimension (trust, honesty, respect) is yours to navigate.
What actually happens when you disclose
Here’s what most people discover when they actually have the conversation: it goes better than expected. Way better.
The most common responses to disclosure include:
- “Thank you for telling me. That took courage.”
- “I actually don’t know much about it. Can you tell me more?”
- “My friend/sister/ex has herpes, so I know a bit about it.”
- “I need some time to think about it.” (And then coming back with acceptance)
Yes, some people will decline to move forward. That’s their right, and it stings. But rejection from disclosure is far less devastating than the alternative: building a relationship on a lie, constantly worrying about being “found out,” or dealing with the fallout when a partner discovers you withheld something important.
Disclosure builds stronger relationships
Here’s the part nobody expects: disclosure often strengthens relationships. When you show someone your vulnerability (when you trust them with something you’re scared to share) it creates a depth of intimacy that superficial connections don’t have.
Disclosure, done well, communicates: “I care about you enough to be honest. I care about your health. I trust you with this.” Those are the qualities of a partner worth having. And the person who accepts you after disclosure? They’re a person worth keeping.
For a step-by-step guide to having the conversation with confidence, download our free e-book on disclosure. It walks you through exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to handle every possible response.
