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Okay great we're recording so yeah I'm I'm so excited to be talking with you we we talked just what was it last week it was only last week and it seems like it's already been so long we're like best friends um yeah and uh and we had such a great time talking that I was like okay we need to actually record this and send it out to the community so here we are here we are um so for anyone who doesn't know me so far which you probably will because I'm going to be sending this out to the list um and putting it up on the website but I'm Adriel and um the website is is herpes opportunity.com and we have a Blog we have a forum we have a weekend seminar we have a whole lot of great stuff to um to help people with herpes and dealing with shame um to feel better about themselves and to accept themselves and to live an awesome life so that's me and who are you hi I'm Ashley I'm a sexuality educator I'm also a Consulting hypnotist I've got a lot of background in women's studies ...
... and sexuality from my master's degree in philosophy um I work at a clinic where I see patients and work with them on health issues related to sexuality so sexually transmitted infections like herpes I talk to them I give them their positive results um if they are positive and I explain to them what that means for their lives and how doesn't mean that their lives are over it means that this is just something else that is part of their lives and it's totally worthable yeah so H how is that um how is that being in that space with the patients like did I imagine they're they're freaking out feeling like their life is over how how do you how do you interact with them I have seen a whole range of reactions when I give patients a positive STI um diagnosis I've seen really like just shock and disbelief I've seen anger and my first step is to validate whatever they happen to be feeling because it's all normal like you can have a range of reactions to that kind of news and it's okay yeah so I validate what they're feeling and then I give them some information I say okay here's the deal if it's herpes you know yes this is not curable but it's completely manageable and here are some ways that it's manageable and here are some things that you want to ...
... talk to your partners about and here's this great website with all of these fantastic resources you're talking about Herpes opportunity right the herpes opportunity I've been handing out flyers for the herpes opportunity left right and center and all of my patients have responded really positively to it awesome um so so that's been great and then just kind of answering whatever questions they might have debunking some of the myths um letting them know about like the asymptomatic shedding as well as shedding during outbreaks and all those kind of things that they just need to know as someone who's now having herpes yeah yeah it's it's interesting you you were you were saying that there's a whole range of responses and you know reactions about having herpes um or any STi for that matter and what I what I see a lot of is that people people believe that their reaction you know in the moment of feeling like oh my God this is this is horrible and the fact that it's incurable that they're going to have herpes for the rest of their life means that they're going to feel that way the rest of their life right you know and and and that that doesn't actually correspond people people believe like well if I'm really sad right now and I feel like my sex life is over then I'm going to feel sad and like ...
... my sex life life is over for the rest of my life because I'm going to have this for the rest of my life and that's just not true it's really not sometimes I acate it to the stages of grief because there is a short grieving period so you know you have the shock you have denial you have anger um there's a little bit of bargaining well isn't there some kind of cure somewhere right and you get or can some higher power take this away from me please I I I will be an angel please please I just give to the poor just one more time yeah but eventually they get your acceptance and that's the point where I really encourage them to check out the forums because there's so much positive support there and people are saying hey I live with this I have herpes I live with this every day and I'm okay I'm really really okay yeah and I sometimes disclose to my patients and I say listen I've had this since 2009 here are some tips I've picked up along the way and it's okay it really is okay so you just yeah you you just revealed to us the uh that you have herpes too I have heres too you seem blissed out about it um I'm excited how how has how has that been for you like I I imagine that you see a lot of your own process and and what you went through in in the patients that come in h how was that process for you it was quite a process and I've experienced a range of ...
... emotions over the years I have been angry and sad and felt broken and that no one would ever love me or be attracted to me and it turns out all of those things were false um I have a wonderful boyfriend who is completely supportive does not have herpes didn't have herpes when he started still doesn't have herpes and we have unprotected sex and it's okay wow I'm pressed medication and he's still not getting herpes now I'm not suggesting that everyone should have unprotected sex willy-nilly but if two people are both you know informed informed consent is where it's at and go for it like have amazing sex because it's out there that that's that's another like first of all God there's so many threads that I want to follow here I got to keep them all straight but the the informed consent piece it sounds kind of dry when you like use the phrase like informed consent or like in or you know in informed uh what's the other phrase um of like just just being on the same page is sexy right right like to actually first off have the have the herpes talk ...
... or have the SDI talk in general that's actually me saying I care about you I care about our relationship that's a really sexy and connecting thing to do right um and and also the um the idea that I I see this a lot on the forums where people will come onto the forums and say well who's ever going to want to take a chance of getting herpes I I I might as well just go ahead and and stay on the herpes dating sites forever because no one's going to take a chance and really that's their own belief system coming in boxing themselves in right so if you had that belief you wouldn't be with this awesome men that you are with right now because you would assume that all men wouldn't take any chance with me exactly yeah and I'm so glad that like I finally broke out of that shell and I started having the conversation like early in my dating process like on the first or second date I was like look here's what it is and I had a couple people say you know what sorry not for me and that's okay like I don't begrudge them that I don't get angry like that's totally cool that's part of consent yeah I'm exposing myself I'm I'm letting myself be vulnerable and I'm giving you the choice to say yes or no right ...
... um and I'm okay with that but then I had this great conversation with my boyfriend well wait hold on so that that actually brings up another point because there there have been plenty of conversations on the Forum of well you know how um how how could I actually um have that kind of a talk um or or or no actually the whole rejection piece right how could I not how could I not take that personally right like how how you just said that it's like it didn't seem like it was it was actually like oh my God that that must mean that I'm not lovable or it was just like okay that's your decision was did it ever feel like that for you like like the first time that it was that someone said no thanks yeah this has been this has taken practice this is a skill learning to accept a no gracefully is a skill yes yes you will get knows over the course of your life so learning how to say you're not rejecting me as a person you're just saying no this is not a choice that I want to make for myself and that's okay yeah you know it's it's like when you want to have sex with your partner and they don't want to have sex you wanting to have sex is okay and them not wan to have ...
... sex is also okay like it's all about Mutual consent yes so it took a while to get to the point where I was comfortable with somebody saying no to me and that that didn't mean that I was unsexy or unlovable because hey I happen to be both yeah right yeah and so it sounds like that was actually a process of self-acceptance first definitely so it was kind of like the like the no initially and the sting of the nose actually had you start looking at yourself I'm I'm assuming here because I this was this was my same process too where it's like you're totally on the same page yeah it's like I If it hurts so much that someone else is going to reject me for me not being enough where does that actually come from is does it come from them rejecting me and and they're they're not validating me or is it myself actually believing that I'm not enough and that's something to look at and it sounds like that process has gotten you to the point where now it's like if you get a no oh okay I got it yeah that's your preference totally and it took years like literally years this is not something that happens overnight but with work with a lot of like soul searching journaling therapy like let's be honest we've all got therapists and and that's ...
... okay too like it helps to have somebody that you can talk to would really bounce ideas off of and and help you you know guide you in your search for self-acceptance you know yeah Dante had Virgil when he went down into the seven gates of hell so help to have somebody there to kind of keep your keep an eye on you that that is actually I mean it's a it's it's a it's a good metaphor in general because a lot of people do see this as like oh my gosh I am descending to hell you know and and it can feel like that sometimes and to just remember yeah this is a process and and it simultaneously it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling right now but don't let yourself suffer in it right there's there's a difference between like accepting wow I'm feeling really sad right now yeah and there's a difference between that and oh my God my life sucks and it's going to suck tomorrow and it's going to suck the next day and I might as well just I'm going to be sad forever like allow your feelings to be in the moment yes and feel if they shift naturally sure and they will because that's part of the process I found mindfulness to be really helpful and saying you know okay I acknowledge that this is what I'm ...
... feeling right now I'm feeling sad I'm feeling rejected I'm feeling angry but my thoughts are not reality they're just how reality is appearing to me at this moment yeah so I'm going to let that move through me and kind of see what happens on the other end because it's better on the other end you just have to let the cycle take its place but it's when you say no no no I can't feel sad I can't be angry and like you push those emotions down that's when they stick around because they have to go somewhere right yeah it's that it's that repression that will have them stay but if we're if we're actually willing to feel the feeling in the moment yes then that's when energy can actually move this all sound is starting to sound kind of metaphysical and woo woo but man I I was never really a woow woo person until I actually really started to feel my feelings and I'm like oh wow all of that quote unquote woow woo like California kind of spirituality stuff it it does actually have a lot of um it makes a lot of sense uh when we're when we're willing to really feel what we're feeling and be okay with ourselves feeling it sure and talking about it you know when you put that out into the world when you meet other people who ...
... are feeling similar things to what you're feeling then you feel less Al and so having supportive people in your life having the Forum has been so helpful in identifying other people that are going through what I'm going through where I was saying you know hey I was there it's going to get better and so that's been great so thank you for that yeah absolutely I'm I'm I'm blissed out that uh that there are so many people on there getting help and then also turning around and helping others I feel like that's a beautiful cycle that organically happens in this kind of a space where I can come to the Forum when I just got the news that I got herpes and I am I feel like I'm in hell and I'm just like at the lowest of the low and other people help me to hey you know it's not it's it's not as bad as you think it is allow yourself to feel what you're feeling come on out of there and then once people get pulled out of that that ditch that they were in it's almost this natural inclination to look around and say oh wow there are other people who were suffering like I was absolutely I might not be totally better I mean to be honest I'm not over my Shame about having herpes right there's still going to be ...
... this like piece of me that I that I I tend to of like oh yeah you still feel like you're not enough that's cool that's all right like it's called being human it is absolutely Being Human so so to actually continue on the Forum and help others and see that others are still are suffering more than than I am right now or suffering just like I was it's like it's it's it's it's linking up that cycle of healing yes in a way it's not feeling broken and that like if you finally have someone that accepts you that that's the only person that will ever will like I love my boyfriend more than anything but if there came a point in our relationship where it was no longer healthy and good for both of us yeah I would be like oh no I can't let this go because no one will ever love me besides him like he was just one in a million I got so lucky to find this one person who wouldn't mind that I had herpes yes more more people out there and you have to continually grow and change and if that means staying with your partner awesome and if that means you guys grow apart that's okay too yeah that's a that's such a great point I'm so glad that you brought that up because there there is I I see that kind of language being used on the on the Forum I mean the Forum is such a great place to just start seeing patterns in how like how we as humans kind of deal with our problems right ...
... and how and the words that that a lot of people use sometimes is like oh wow you you have the disclosure talk great you are so lucky that they accepted you lucky they use the word lucky and that that always kind of gets under my skin a little bit like really was that lucky or did they actually see the beautiful person that you are exactly when like how does luck show up in that way unless unless you look at luck like yeah I was lucky to be born into this world as the human being that I am yeah that's lucky that was lucky but lucky to be accepted and and then and then a lot of people feel trapped in a relationship that maybe doesn't work for them and they're not willing to actually look at well what do I deserve right in a relationship yeah and yeah you don't like owe someone something because they they're dealing with your herpes stuff you know like this it'd be like he's dealing with the fact that I'm blonde you know they part of of my body it's another part of me and it's no better or worse than being blonde maybe he hates blond maybe I will find like that the rest of the people I date hate blondes and it's just can't change it right yeah I I think that's that's the part where people ...
... where it's the integration of the fact that I get the news that I have herpes it wasn't part of my identity before and now it somehow for me to live life it's integrating it into my identity not making it my identity I'm not herpes boy right but it's part of who I am now because I'm GNA have it for life so the more that I can actually accept Okay this is what it is get knowledge knowledgeable about it first off don't don't get yeah don't get knowledgeable about the stigma and what other people will say about it when they're you know when they're deep in the shame about it but get knowledgeable about the facts right so that you can actually move into just accepting yourself as you are and being a whole human being so what are the important facts Adriel what what do people need to take from this as like the facts that they need to know I think the first thing that um I see a lot of is that people feel like they are a walking contagion right definitely and it's almost like without actually reading you know much about it the stigma will have you believe yeah as you're just walking down the street breathing you're infecting everyone around you like with your breath there there are like this really touches my heart and and hurts when I see ...
... mothers on the Forum saying oh my god did I infect my baby when I kissed him oh my goodness you know it's just like gosh that that's not how it works like if you're having an active outbreak then yeah don't don't like be be cautious but don't be paranoid no so doesn't help anyone yeah so so you're not a walking contagion like look look at the the facts of you know the actual the actual spot that you have an outbreak when you rub that against someone else vigorously and it and the virus has right friction friction and then the virus will have a a chance to get into the other person's body but it's not like it's not like herpes is going to jump off of your skin and on to someone else that's the first thing mucosal membranes right wet touching wet right is touching wet wet that's how that spreads when you're and I mean I think the another big misconception is the the whole oral sex thing like I think the the latest stat that I saw was was half of new genital herpes cases are due to oral sex because someone ...
... has a cold sore on their lip which has no Stigma whatsoever they go down on their partner give them oral sex and they pass their hsv1 to their partner's genitals and that becomes genital herpes course so and that's that's a big misunderstanding because this has no Stigma and that that is like has all the stigma all the stigma yeah so it's important to consider that if you're having an outbreak of any kind oral or genital stay away from partner's genitals or partner's mou unless you know because you can spend cold sword to cold SW to mouth too you know just as easily so barrier methods are good they're helpful but they're not foolproof so it's important to kind of be aware that any kind of skin- to- skin contact could spread the virus when you're having outbreak but that doesn't mean that you should avoid sex altogether like yes when I'm having an outbreak all that means is my boyfriend gets a whole lot of [ __ ] and that makes him a happy camper I love that I love that yeah and we we talked about this the first time and we talked and ...
... I love this conversation because this is where the big shift came for me in in like breaking through that next layer of shame because it does actually feel like layers doesn't it it's like there are definitely layers you start off and you're just like oh my God I'm a walking contagion I'm and then you might break through the layer oh I'm not a walking contagion but I am scared that I'm going to pass it on and I'm I'm I'm paranoid and but then you break through that layer and then the layer that I broke through when I was with my girlfriend who who did not have herpes and still still doesn't she's now my exgirlfriend does not have herpes and uh and we had unprotected sex as well because we talked about it and that's what we decided I stayed on suppressive medication but there was this one time when I was feeling a a herpes outbreak coming on and we were kind of starting to kiss a little bit and I actually I actually stopped in the middle of it I was like actually um I just wanted to let you know I'm about to have my man period and it was it was like this playful moment of like so you know we're not going to go down there right you're not going to you're not going to be touching me there we're ...
... not going to be dealing in that area but let's see how else we can have fun oh yeah because the the ways of having fun are numerous I mean do you remember the good old high school days with the making out and the dry humping like that was fun and that can be just as hot at age 20 and 30 and 40 and 50 as it was when you're in high school yes yeah yeah exactly it's like and it's almost like we have to see and this this is another permutation of this as an opportunity you know and a lot of people like a lot of people when they first get herpes they roll their eyes like oh really opportunity oh my God that's such like rose-colored glasses but actually look at it like this like if you if you're having an outbreak and you're with someone that you're passionately you know all about and you want to get it on yeah then that is an opportunity to actually get creative creativity is key I mean how how often I mean I know that like you in the in just how relationships progress and you know you get into ruts and you know and it's just like okay well let's let's have sex now okay doggy style okay and it just becomes routine hey if if a herpes outbreak jumps in the middle of that ...
... oh wow uh got think outside the box literally think outside the the crotch you know the yeah exactly and and those were some of the most intimate and passionate times that we got to explore each other's bodies where we probably wouldn't have put that much focus on the non-genital parts of our bodies without our herpes outbreak so interesting to consider definitely interesting to consider there are all sorts of parts of your partner's body that are sensitive and sexy and Feelgood and like make it your treasure map their body is your treasure map and you're looking for all the little x marks with spots that feel good except for this one big x that you can't go near and and in a way that that can also be like a a playful thing again to underline I I know before that moment I would always say oh honey I'm having I'm about to have an outbreak I'm sorry you know and I would I would get apologetic and I would get shame like shameful and I would like hang my head low and I'm so sorry I know that we want to have sex and we can't cuz I I'm infected but to notice that kind of a way that I'm even treating myself in that moment of like oh my God I'm shaming the [ __ ] out of myself can I actually shift that ...
... and maybe even have a have fun with it and like play a game I'm like yeah x marks the spot but this is a spot you're not going to go and and see how that even shifts the interaction because I know that in those moments when I was shame shaming myself and I was like I'm sorry honey we're not going to have sex she probably wasn't like o that that turns me on that you're shaming yourself right yeah right but when I can accept myself and like yeah I'm I'm about to have my man period or I'm about to have an outbreak and and I am still freaking hot for you can we get creative can we see see what we can do to navigate this like can you be my partner in crime in this like make a game out of it connect around that and then think how great the sex is going to be when you can have sex again safely it's going to be even more intense because You' got yourself so revved up for the last right oh my God and likeing and waves crashing it's it's almost like remember uh you know in the in the olden times they had the chastity belt yesly it's kind of like that you got a lock on this belt and you know there are all sorts of those those like uh comedy ...
... movies talking about like oh my God I just got oh my God I can't get into that belt and then the second the belt comes off it's like oh my gosh that's the kind of feeling that can be had when it's like when you just accept what is right now exactly I I also liken it to the um using like a blindfold in the bedroom or anything like that you're cutting off like access to one of your senses access to feeling a certain part of your body access to your eyeballs right there are just these different or or handcuffs right it can be yeah naughty naughty handcuffs with the pink plush it's my favorite color um yeah uh but when you cut when you cut something off like you cut that aspect of your senses off it makes all of the other senses that much more heightened definitely so so it's just a shift in perspective of like it's not not shameful that you're having an outbreak you're having an outbreak that's that's just a fact so now that you have an outbreak and you're not going to be going there because you want to ...
... protect your partner because you care and and right and you have integrity now what we'll heighten all the other senses and have fun in in a lot of other ways definitely and you can attack in a good way parts of the body that uh you may have been neglecting past yeah like come here boobs come here elbow I I never neglect the boobs but there are other yeah there are other parts I mean like to to actually you know yeah like like the I love the body as a treasure map I'm actually thinking of that song of Like Your Body Is a Wonderland and I'm I'm embarrassed to even be thinking of that song but how how often do we actually treat our partners entire bodies as a Wonderland totally as a treasure map to like be like found like what like what new sensual thing can I find on you right and if you think of like how good it would feel to have a partner that would treat your body like a treasure map it's hot it's really really hot and like the more you think about it wouldn't you want to make your partner feel that good so just because they don't have herpes you can do the treasure map thing to them too like you can say all right tonight we're going to say no genitals and I'm going to find ...
... every other possible way to please you yes and I'm not going to stop until like you're gasping her breath I'm not gonna stop until you're a puddle on the floor yeah yes see I I I love that even just in this conversation there's this playfulness around it it's not like yes um and now uh when you go into the bedroom uh you're first going to do this and you're it's like this is this is the kind of energy that you can have with your partner of like cool let's let's find something new together this is a partnership let's go into the bedroom and or not even in the bedroom let's trapes around the house and find new ways of expressing ourselves yes because that's what sex is it's it's it's an intimate expression it really is it's something to be celebrated it is so so celebrate your man period celebrate your outfit and say this is an opportunity to have like the most wild and crazy non interourse ever yes oh I love this I feel like we could talk about this specific subject we may have to make this part of the Intensive weekend because this is such a great like I can see a group of people like just throwing out ideas and it would be fantastic oh that would be great yeah like actually having a part of the weekend be a ...
... like a sensual touch weekend like how like how to actually have this be something that can connect your partner in the Moment Like connect you two together um yeah like different ideas that would be great Round Table discussion um what else I know we we have this uh this handy dandy document here um and any other any other things about um when when you are counseling Pat ptients who are newly diagnosed of your experience with that or do you see patterns in in how people are negotiating the stigma or like beliefs that they have that are just totally wrong I see a lot of blame I see a lot of like anger and who the f gave me this I'm going to beat them up I'm so Furious um I've seen like news articles of like people suing people for giving them herpes and it's like whoa whoa whoa whoa this is not like threatening guys yeah you know it's it's it's understandable to feel angry and to want to blame someone like it's just another part of the process but at the same time it's like let's back it up let's put it in ...
... perspective you know this is just a really annoying skin condition it's that's about it like it it doesn't hurt your body it doesn't do anything really awful like the the outbreaks can be kind of unpleasant at times but otherwise you're okay like you're really gonna be okay I I like to call it acne genitalis I like it and that's exactly what it is it's like you know acne can be uncomfortable if you get it on it's like ow but the fact that it's down there and it has so much stigma associated with it but um you said something else about like the the blame yeah I'm glad you brought that up because I see that a lot too it's almost like if I can blame someone else and yeah there there are some cases where maybe blame seems perfectly valid right maybe maybe your partner blatantly cheated on you got herbees and passed it to you I mean in that case like sure I could see where it it would seem totally valid to be like you did this to me right but we have to understand that what's done is done right and there's um there you actually are hurting yourself more than you're hurting that person that you're trying to blame you really are and like I got herpes because I was sexually assaulted by someone that I considered aend and I can ...
... vividly remember being angry about the assault being angry like as I'm spending $20 a month on a cycle beer and being like I cannot believe that I have to Shell this money out every month yeah but the anger just ate away at me and when I let that go I felt better yeah like it's really anger is a very toxic emotion if you hang on to it and by kind of just forgiving the universe for having this happen to me and saying you know okay let's move on let's take it from here and move and do something positive with it like not live in the yuck I love that I love that phrase not living in the yuck living in the yuck did you just come up with that on I just came up with that now I was thinking because I have a tattoo of a load on my shoulder uhuh and the lotus flower grows in the mud and as it gets to the surface when it gets to the surface that's when it blooms into this beautiful flower ah so you have to grow out of this like muddy boggy kind of stuff and then when you get to this surface that's when it blooms in this beautiful thing that that's great that's great could you write a blog article on that I will abely that that is beautiful I love that ...
... it yeah the the whole concept of like manure being really good fertilizer you know life's [ __ ] the [ __ ] that you go through in life can actually be fertilizer for you to grow if you let it but if you suffocate yourself in the horse [ __ ] right it's probably not going to do you much good but um the blame game uh and thank you for your vulnerability around that of like sharing that you were sexually assaulted and I I I could imagine um I could imagine a lot of people um appreciating that I appreciate that um and in in a in a way that's that is the worst case scenario right it's like I didn't deserve this at all right what like I have every right to be angry for the rest of my [ __ ] life exactly for what that person did to me and I imagine maybe there's someone else who went through a very similar thing and is in that muck in that yuck right now and they're going to they're probably going to say they're probably yelling at their screen right now how the heck can you let that go how like there's no way I'm gonna be angry for the rest of my life so how did you let that go for yourself it took time like I mean I feel like I keep saying ...
... time and it's a process but it really is like it's something that you have to work through and I've gone to support groups and I've spoken out about my experiences and I have to say that like breaking the silence saying like I was raped saying I have herpes it's very freeing yeah because you're like taking this thing that's all shameful and inside of you and you're just like letting it out and it diffuses into the air and then like it's okay but when it's here it's like really concentrated and really hard to deal with but when you open it it makes it better when when you first let that shame out either about the sexual assault or about Herpes I I imagine there was something going on in your head of like uh oh what are people going to think about me oh goodness yes what was that what was that first time like do you remember when you first spoke out about about it I do um it was at a Take Back the Night rally that I talked about my sexual assault and I was in a a chapel full of people there were probably three or 400 people there and I'm standing up in front of the microphone and I could feel myself shaking because I never said it out loud before what and I was like even to like a friend or anything not to a friend not to anyone I just like but I saw other people sharing their stories and it moved me so much it's like diving into the deep end like you just gota go for it ...
... yeah and I I opened my mouth and the story came out and at the end like people came up to me and they were like thank you so much for sharing your story and like something similar to that happened to me and and I found that the more people I talk to more people are like oh my gosh like I thought I was the only one I thought this was the only thing that happened to me and no one else had ever experienced this and and that was really powerful for me wow and like the shaking stopped and I was like okay yeah yeah we need to do this more and and talk about this more and break this silence and shame pattern and and I've been talking about it ever since and feels good every time yeah I when when you were talking about it just now I was getting chills down my spine like wow like that's this is the perfect example of like the rising out of the muck and blooming it's like all of that stuff that I was holding back that that feels icky if I hold it back right if I release it it becomes beautiful yes because other people can that's that's the connecting part like other people can connect with that kind of pain or frustration or anger as human beings we have all of that stuff ...
... in common but for some reason we're ashamed that I have it and maybe you don't have it so I'm going to hide it just in case exactly we we tell ourselves that we're the only one that no one could possibly have experienced this either the way that we're experiencing it or to the extent that we're experiencing it and we isolate ourselves and and that's when you feel really lonely but when you have this community of people that have been through what you've been through that are supporting each other that are loving each other and it just becomes this really powerful thing and it's just amazing yeah yeah it's the uh yeah that's the beauty of the the community that we're building at the herpes opportunity forum and and on the weekend too the weekend Workshop that that we do to actually have that kind of a space that that seems similar to the take back the night kind of space it's the this container of of acceptance and okayness to just speak what's actually freaking true exactly there's nothing wrong with what is unless we make it wrong and and it's such a powerful thing ...
... to do for yourself when you speak it for the first time when you speak to people for the first time and then you kind of gradually go through it like I imagine the herpes opportunity didn't always exist and you've taken this this thing that you've been dealing with and you've turned into something beautiful and now you're running these weekends and I started out I talked to takeback the night and now I'm on the planning committee for Philadelphia's takeback the night and I'm so excited that like I'm going to be able to help other people have the opportunity to speak yeah and so it's really like paying it forward and and just really keeping the things going and the movement going the the one of my best friends um who actually helped Co co-lead the last herpes opportunity weekend with me he said the most beautiful thing at the end as we were wrapping up and everyone's like in a circle with their arms around each other and like tears and just and he's just like you know the the reason why I am so committed to doing work like this is because I believe in living living in a world where there's nothing that needs to be hidden right and and that's what shame is all about it's like believing that that there is even something to hide yeah and and quite possibly the the ...
... things that have the most energy around them of clinging to no no definitely not that I'm not going to share that in the right container with the right people around you that you feel that you can trust yes unleashing that is like un unleashing your power on the world because you're holding your own power back by holding back that shame it's ironic and and it's like a thought exam like imagine if we were just open about everything like I am 26 I have sex I weigh 250 pounds I have herpies I am a rape Survivor and like all these things that like people keep to themselves like women will never admit what their weight is because we're so like trapped in this idea of what it's supposed to be but when we let go of that like supposed to thing Freedom happens yes because it it it is what it is it's what it's the um again I'm not religious or anything I'm I'm more spiritual and whatever whatever kind of uh gets my attention I grab on to and there was this one thing from from Buddhism of just saying you know suffering comes from having expectations of how reality should be yeah and when we can actually be with what is maybe it's not always going to be pleasant it's not it's going to be painful sometimes but when we can actually be ...
... with it as it is instead of expecting it to be different that's the difference between pain and suffering absolutely you can be in pain and and actually accept it and actually accept yourself in the pain but suffering comes from no I'm fighting against this pain I shouldn't be in pain right now I should be happy because everyone else around me is happy right seemingly yep and you will sh yourself to death yeah don't sh on yourself yourselfs and musturbation like must than shs are the most toxic words in the English language yeah along with supposed to y because we get stuck in that like Paradigm and and we get trapped in it and if we let that go then you have all of this space to grow and to flourish and to build this loving Community nice beautifully said yeah yeah when we put ourselves in a box of expectations then we can't grow beyond that box right yeah and and this comes to like kind of the I feel like this is a good wrap up um because this comes to the whole point of like well how are we going to get rid ...
... of this stigma how are we going to get rid of the shame around herpes or around STI in general or for that matter sex in general like I'm ashamed that I even want to have sex why is that why is our culture especially in America I mean you can go into other countries who totally like they they love sex and there's nothing wrong with sex it's a human thing but here it's like there's so much shame around it how do we actually switch that how do we change that the the prevailing thing what that I see on the forums and and when I coach people with herpes is to be angry at those ignorant people who are actually reinforce the stigma and that's just that's just the same energy that we put into blaming other other people or blaming our partners or blaming whatever happened to us and becoming victims of Our Lives when we can actually turn that kind of energy inside and and instead of like just spewing it out there oh my God those stupid people who think herpes is dirty why do you think I'm dirty but turn that inside into acceptance and then that will actually have you share that you have herpes from a place of integrity and love and caring about your partner definitely that's how the stigma will shift it's it's it's in each one of us ...
... it really is and and loving those people that are difficult and that want to spew the negativity I mean I feel like a hippie like love everyone but like just feeling compassion in your heart for them and saying you know what I'm going to do my best to try to educate you as much as I can and put the knowledge out there because knowledge is contagious y yep and um and just really like seeing it almost as a a positive challenge like I'm going to speak out more and I'm gonna and I'm going to care about people more because there's just a void of compassion in our society sometimes and the more we are compassionate toward each other the better we're all going to be yeah oh I freaking love you I love you too gosh this is so awesome I I can't wait to meet you in person I know we haven't met yet it's crazy we only started talking a week ago and and I already feel like you're my best friend that's so awesome um and and yeah that brings us to the uh our our poster that we're going to be throwing out there be contagious like I want I I want everyone who's watching this video to really get that being contagious can be a good thing not in spreading herpes not in spreading it's spreading positivity spreading when you ...
... actually are having the disclosure conversation whether it be with a family member a friend a a potential partner you get to actually be contagious with positivity and be contagious that yeah I have herpes and it's not actually that big of a deal to me that's spreading the contagion of POS positivity and possibility posivity happiness love knowledge spreading knowledge and and being contagious with the knowledge is amazing yeah and you just keep it going so to everyone who's watching this thank you so much because it's been an honor to be able to talk with Adriel and and to really get this information out there and I hope that it spreads like like herpes like I want to go there I went there for you and there there will be more videos like this I imagine so so many more yeah this is just the warmup this is the uh the preview yeah absolutely yes awesome well until next time until next time awesome
I recorded a fun Skype session with Ashley (a sexuality educator and clinician who also has genital herpes) about everything herpes. Some of the topics covered include …
Debunking some myths about herpes (getting herpes facts!)
How to shift away from shame and blame and into self-acceptance
Enjoying sex just as much (or more than before) with your herpes-free partner while still protecting them (which can be super connecting and sexy!)
