Herpes in men

As a man with herpes, let me tell you something

If you're here, you probably just got diagnosed. Or maybe you've had herpes for a while but you're still quietly carrying it around like some kind of secret burden. Either way, I want you to know something right off the bat: I get it. I've been exactly where you are.

Here's something that doesn't get talked about enough. The vast majority of herpes content out there is written for women. Forums, articles, support groups ... they skew heavily female. And that can leave you, as a man, feeling like you're the only guy dealing with this. Like there's nowhere to turn. Men tend to process a herpes diagnosis more privately, more quietly. We're culturally conditioned to "handle it" and move on. But that silence can make the whole thing feel so much heavier than it actually is.

So let's change that. Man to man, let me walk you through what herpes actually looks like for us, what the real risks are, and why this is genuinely not the life sentence your brain is telling you it is right now.

How common is herpes in men?

Way more common than you think. About 1 in 8 men in the U.S. have HSV-2 (the strain most associated with genital herpes). And when you factor in HSV-1 (the strain that causes cold sores but can also show up genitally), the numbers jump dramatically. Over half of all adults carry HSV-1.

Here's the kicker: 80% of people who have herpes don't even know they have it. Standard STD panels don't typically include herpes testing. So all those guys at the gym, at work, at the bar ... a whole lot of them are walking around with the same virus and have no idea. You're not in some tiny, unlucky club. You're in the majority. You just happen to know about it, which honestly puts you in a better position to take care of yourself and your partners.

Male herpes symptoms: what it actually looks like

One of the first things most men do after a diagnosis is Google "herpes in men" or "herpes on penis" and then stare at the most extreme medical photos the internet has to offer. Please don't do that to yourself. Those pictures are almost always the absolute worst-case scenarios, often of immunocompromised patients. They're not what herpes looks like for the average guy.

So let's talk about what's actually normal.

Where does herpes show up on men?

Genital herpes in men can appear in several areas:

• On the penis shaft (the most common spot)
• On the head of the penis or foreskin
• On the scrotum
• On the inner thighs
• On the buttocks
• Around the perianal area

And here's what a lot of guys don't realize: herpes doesn't always look like what you'd expect. Sometimes it's a single small bump. Sometimes it looks like a paper cut. Sometimes it looks like a patch of irritated skin that you'd easily mistake for razor burn or an ingrown hair. Many men have outbreaks so mild they never even notice them.

Your first outbreak

The first herpes outbreak is almost always the worst one you'll ever have. Your body hasn't built up any immunity yet, so it can hit harder. You might experience:

• Flu-like symptoms (fever, body aches, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes in the groin)
• Small blisters or sores in the genital area
• Tingling, itching, or burning before sores appear (this is called prodrome)
• Painful urination if sores are near the urethra

I know that list sounds rough. But here's the important part: it gets better. A lot better.

Recurrent outbreaks

After that first outbreak, your body starts building antibodies. Future outbreaks (if you even have them) are typically milder, shorter, and less frequent. Many men go from a rough initial experience to barely noticeable recurrences, maybe a small bump once or twice a year that clears up in a few days. Some guys stop having visible symptoms altogether.

What about no symptoms at all?

This is actually more common than having symptoms. The majority of men with herpes are asymptomatic, meaning they never get noticeable outbreaks. They carry the virus, their body keeps it in check, and they go about their lives. That's why so many people have herpes without knowing it. The virus just quietly hangs out.

How herpes is different for men vs. women

There are some genuine biological differences worth knowing about:

• Men tend to have fewer and less severe recurrences. The anatomy plays a role here. The skin on the penis is less susceptible to micro-tears compared to vaginal tissue, which means less opportunity for the virus to reactivate and cause visible symptoms.
• Men are statistically less likely to acquire herpes from a female partner. The annual transmission rate from an HSV-2 positive woman to a male partner is about 4% (without medication or condoms). Compare that to about 8-10% going from male to female. Less mucous membrane exposure on the penis is a big reason for that difference.
• Men tend to have shorter outbreaks. When outbreaks do happen, they often resolve faster than they do for women.

None of this means herpes is "no big deal" in some dismissive way. It just means the actual medical reality for most men is far less dramatic than what the stigma would have you believe.

Does herpes cause erectile dysfunction?

This is a question that comes up a lot, and I want to address it honestly. Herpes does not directly cause erectile dysfunction. The virus doesn't affect your blood flow, your nervous system function related to erections, or your testosterone levels. Mechanically, everything still works the same.

But here's where it gets real. After a diagnosis, a lot of men experience performance anxiety. You're in your head. You're worried about transmission. You're self-conscious. You're distracted. And all of that mental noise can absolutely affect your ability to get or maintain an erection. It's not the herpes doing that. It's the stress and anxiety around it.

The good news? As you process the diagnosis, educate yourself on the actual risks, and start to put herpes in its proper place (a manageable skin condition, not a life-defining catastrophe), that anxiety tends to fade. And so does the performance issue. If it persists, talk to a doctor. But know that it's almost certainly the stress, not the virus.

Transmission: the actual numbers

Let's talk facts, because the numbers are way more reassuring than whatever worst-case scenario your brain has been running. Here are the annual transmission rates for HSV-2 from a positive partner to a negative partner (based on couples having regular sex over a year):

• Male-to-female (no precautions): about 10% per year
• Male-to-female (with daily antivirals): about 5% per year
• Male-to-female (with condoms): about 5% per year
• Male-to-female (antivirals + condoms): about 2.5% per year

And for female-to-male transmission, those numbers are roughly cut in half. So if your female partner has herpes and you don't, you're looking at about 4% annually without precautions, and even lower with suppressive therapy and condom use.

I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years. We decided together to not use condoms and I was on suppressive therapy. That meant there was about a 5% chance per year that I would pass herpes to her. She never got herpes. And I've heard countless similar stories from our community. This isn't to say there's zero risk and to go willy nilly. It's just to put it in perspective. Be careful, but don't be paranoid. Being careful means you CARE about your partner (which is awesome and what a relationship is all about). Being paranoid disconnects you from your partner and brings you into your head. There's a big difference.

The disclosure conversation as a man

Alright, let's talk about the thing that probably scares you most. Telling someone.

I remember my first disclosure. I was terrified. My palms were sweating. I had rehearsed what I was going to say about a hundred times. And you know what? I fumbled through it. It wasn't smooth. It wasn't eloquent. But it was honest. And that honesty opened a door to a deeper conversation than we'd ever had before.

Here's what I've learned over the years, both from my own experience and from the thousands of men and women I've worked with: disclosure is not the death sentence for a relationship that you think it's going to be. Most people, when presented with the facts calmly and honestly, are far more understanding than you'd expect. Some will say no. And that's okay. Those people weren't your people. But the ones who say yes? They're seeing YOU, not just herpes. And that kind of connection is built on a foundation of vulnerability and trust that most couples never get to.

If you want a step-by-step guide for having the herpes talk, I put together a free ebook on disclosure that walks you through it. It covers everything from when to bring it up, to exactly how to frame it, to handling the questions that come after. It's helped thousands of people (men and women) have this conversation with confidence.

Dating as a man with herpes

I'll be honest with you. Dating after a herpes diagnosis feels like the world has ended. For about five minutes. And then, gradually, you realize something: herpes is actually a pretty incredible filter.

Think about it this way. Before herpes, you might have dated people who were superficial, who couldn't handle real vulnerability, who would bail at the first sign of imperfection. You might not have even noticed that pattern. But now, with herpes in the picture, those people filter themselves out early. And the ones who stay? They're the ones capable of real depth. Real intimacy. Real partnership.

(You might roll your eyes at this one, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have actually connected on such a deep level to the woman who is now my wife and the mother to our child if it weren't for the experience of growth that I went through with herpes. Disclosure forced a level of vulnerability between us that most couples don't reach for years. It accelerated something real.)

And no, you do not have to limit yourself to herpes-only dating sites. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and the vast majority of them couldn't care less about herpes once they understand what it actually is. Your job is to know the facts, own your story, and show up as the full person you are. The herpes is a footnote.

Man to man

Here's the thing I wish someone had told me the day I was diagnosed: the hardest part isn't the virus. It's the story you tell yourself about the virus. It's the shame. It's the stigma. It's the way our culture has turned a common, manageable skin condition into some kind of moral failing. That's the real weight you're carrying. Not the herpes itself.

And you can put that weight down. Seriously. You can.

Herpes doesn't change who you are. It doesn't make you less of a man. It doesn't ruin your sex life. It doesn't disqualify you from love. It's a skin condition. An annoying one sometimes, sure. But just a skin condition.

So take a deep breath. Educate yourself. Know the symptoms. Understand the transmission rates. Look into medication if it makes sense for you. And then go live your life. A full, connected, awesome life. Because that's exactly what's ahead of you.

You've got this.