I am the mother of a beautiful 17 year old girl who recently was diagnosed with ghsv-1.
My daughter is not a "slut". She is not a wild child. She didnt even have sex with her (comes a good middle class family, nice 17 year old, very committed) boyfriend. We were all educated the hard way that you can get herpes -down there- from viral shedding hsv1 oral sex. Boyfriend admitted to having lip cold sores in the past but not an outbreak when he and my daughter were together. (Sex ed doesnt talk about that little fun fact..)
The boyfriend and his parents were very supportive when Kathryn was diagnosed. Kat and Zac continued their relationship while I held my breath because i knew what was ahead.
Like most teens, Kathryn and Zac ran their course (in a matter of months) and broke up for reasons not related to her herpes.
To make a VERY long story short, word got out at Kat's private high school that she has herpes. (Everyone knows-seriously-everyone) As she ventured into the dating world again and told 3 other boys who were interested in getting to know her, about her issue, word got out. Early on, Kathryn vowed to tell all potential romantic interests. Her first outbreak was horrendous (several sores at once) and She said she NEVER wanted to pass this virus to anyone, and she wanted any new boy to know the risks going in. (So very very proud of this kid...) she knew that disclosing would bring risks of her own (exposure)
Kathryn is beautiful. popular. In the top 10 of her class academically. A girl like Kat-with herpes!! - is big news and juicy teen gossip. Now she is an outcast. Ridiculed. Bullied even. Girls snicker and whisper and the same boys who flirted and texted her, dont even look her in the eye at school.
Granted - and thankfully - her core best friends think nothing of it and shes still the same old Kat. But i see little changes and i worry about her future.
She has accepted her situation (somewhat) but doesn't like to talk about it. She cries sometimes and i tell her thats ok. She keeps her head up, but i see the struggle sometimes, like on Friday and Saturday nights when her girlfriends are with their boyfriends and Kats the odd man out. At parties when kids flirt and pair up as teenagers do, no body talks to her. Kats phone used to buzz constantly, now no one calls or texts. I used to have to call and pester her when she was creeping past curfew, now she comes home early and goes straight to bed. "parties are no fun anymore mom" she says.
She spends a lot of time with her father, older brother, niece and I - which I love, but..
THANKFULLY, the 3 rejections she had from the interested boys were "kind". They just stopped texting/talking/flirting when she told them, they went away quietly. But rejection is rejection, especially at 17.
I know that someday, somewhere, in Kats future, there will be a knight on a white horse who is mature enough to handle her situation and will love her for her, and she will have a normal happy life.
But right now... She is in high school. Its like, the teen world of flirting and giggling, and meeting new people just stopped, and she hopped off and the world is carrying on without her.
I dont want to sound dramatic, but i feel like herpes robbed her of her youth. She had to grow up REAL fast.
She is not (officially) depressed that i can tell, but i do see her struggle sometimes. How do i keep her spirits up? How to i encourage her to keep plugging away at life while she waits for boys her age to mature enough to educate themselves on the risks etc?
I see her "handling it" by retreating into herself... Deciding not to give new people a chance to get to know her anymore ("seriously mom, whats the point when we all know how its going to end?")
She has a job at the mall she loves and a handful of core friends. She stays active, watches her diet and takes vitamins. (Lysine) And while i know "a boyfriend isnt everything", shes still a teenage girl and i see the loneliness in her eyes, and at her age, i worry about what that loneliness will do, if it will take its toll. I see her scroll through social media looking at couples selfie pictures, "who hooked up with who last Friday night", "omg no way, they're talking!?" Whos taking who to prom, and i know what shes thinking. I know what shes missing.
She said "mom its okay, i know im more than herpes, but i wouldn't date me either. I get it"
Ive asked her if she wants to see a therapist, or if i can find a support group for teens with herpes, and she said no, she just wants to accept her new life in peace and not think about it all the time. She said she appreciates my encouragement but doesnt really buy it. She said shes tired of hearing its going to be ok from people who dont have it because its NOT ok. She said she doesn't need hsv cheerleaders, she just wants the stigma to go away and she wants doctors to find a cure. ("Seriously mom? Doctors can do heart transplants and brain surgery, send men to outer space, but they cant stop a damn BUMP from popping up on my xxxxxx?! WTF?")
maybe im the one who needs the help because watching her deal with such a grown up issue at 17 breaks my heart, and i cant fix it.
Any other moms of h+ teens out there who can relate? How are you coping?
@KatsMomUtah
First - HUGE props for you being so supportive of your daughter ... I know that in the long run she will really appreciate it, even if it's hard for her to always accept it now.
So, first thing is, I'd get her on here so she can talk to people who have Herpes and have found love..... I got HSV1 orally at 4, HSV2 at 17 (First time having sex... YAY me!) and I've had a pretty normal life ... and I'm 53 now. Sure, I've had "rejections" ... but to be honest, I've realized after that most had done me a favor passing on me before I got too emotionally involved. Herpes makes a great Wingman that way ... and while I know she doesn't appreciate that now, hopefully she will over time :)
If she doesn't want to come straight on here you can PM me and I'll send you my contact info and she can contact me... ok?
Also, turn her on to Ella Dawson .... a beautiful young girl who is a recent Wesleyan graduate who tells it like it is, and who is "out" (as I am) and who, by her own words, is finding that her love and sex life is BETTER for having Herpes.... :)
This is her first interview ...
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes
and her blog
https://ellacydawson.wordpress.com/tag/herpes/
She needs to talk to someone who she feels will understand her ... who has been there before ... so I hope she will look up Ella and come on here and see that she is FAR from alone and how she has a CHOICE in how she chooses to live with this in the future.....
(((HUGS)))
You're such an awesome mom! Mine basically stopped speaking to me because I have it and I'm 20 lol. Guess that lack of communication is what got me here in the first place. I wouldn't pester your daughter too much about it but let her know that joining the crowd isn't always necessary. If she were my daughter id tell her that stigma just comes from miseducation and people trying to fit in by thinking like the masses. She can have a small group of amazing friends instead of having the whole school fawn over her and still be just as happy as she was before. And even though it's fun to have a boyfriend, there are many more long term benefits of focusing on yourself for a while especially in high school when it comes time to apply for college and decide where you'd like to spend the first 4 years of your life as a semi-independent person.
Way to go, Mom! You've raised a wonderful daughter!
I'm a 20 year old (female) at a major university. I had my first HSV-2 outbreak at 19, but as I'm sure you know, it's possible that I may have had it longer (18 at earliest). My mom knows, and she has been my rock. At the time I was diagnosed, I was in a very bad relationship (I believe I got it from this person). She is HSV-2+ as well and said, "I wouldn't let having H keep me in a bad relationship. I'd rather be alone with H than in a relationship and unhappy just because someone accepts it. I love myself too much for that, and you should, too." Her words always ran through my mind every day until I finally got the courage to face the single world as a 19 year old HSV-2+ college student. I'm telling you this story because no matter how strong she is, it can be easy to settle for the first person who accepts her status.
I didn't have H in high school, but I can relate to the bullying. I was sexually assaulted at 14, and because of who one of the guys is, it made the news. Everyone found out and gossiped and said creul things to me. I lost friends, and some parents wouldn't even let their kids hang out with me anymore because I received the blame as many victims do. It is an incredibly lonely time to go through something hard, whether it's a sexual assault or being diagnosed with H, and it can really affect how you feel about yourself when others are gossiping. Please keep a watchful eye on her bevause any teens don't feel comfortable asking for help.
If you can, have her read this:
I CAN promise you that everything will be okay. It may feel like your dating life is over right now, but I PROMISE you that it isn't. High school is hard for everyone, but the good news is that it doesn't last forever and everyone grows up. The next juicy gossip will take the attention away from you, and things will get easier. You are doing the right thing by being up front and honest with potential boyfriends. You are also educating everyone that even oral sex has risks, even when there aren't symptoms. The good news is that GHSV-1 doesn't shed as much as HSV-2 and is believed to be less contagious genitals-to-genitals. There also is a bit less stigma in my opinion. At 20, I have disclosed to about 25 potential partners (I choose early disclosure to avoid wasting time/feelings) and rarely get rejected. In fact, I do the vast majority of the rejecting after that because only a few of those have met my standards :P A lot of my success I feel is attributed to a very factual disclosure where I frame it as what it is - H is just an inconvenient skin condition. Things will be easier, especially in college after everyone grows up a bit. Love yourself. Know your worth. Never settle for anything or anyone that you wouldn't want for your own future daughter.
Either of you can feel free to PM me :)
Bravo to you mom for having open communication. As a mom of 17 yo daughter I can see where you are coming from. The best way to conquer the talks and bullying is to own up to it. "Yea, I have herpes, nothing more than a skin condition and this too can happen to you". "When Johnny kisses you with that cold sore this can happen." Type stuff. Peers will start to see her "weakness" isn't taking her down but making her grow stronger. Perhaps she can speak during health/sex Ed class. Personally, I know kids don't want to see a therapist but I would push her to see one. One she feels comfortable with and gives her tools. A good therapist acknowledges reason for counseling, sets goals and put a plan in play. Casual talk sessions does nothing. Best wishes...
It's nice to read about another mom who is going through what I am going through. I am trying so hard to be there for her and encourage her, but just want her to have a normal life. She is only 19, and just found out a few months ago as well. I know she is very sad, but won't get any help, and just keeps telling me she is fine. I worry on a daily basis that she is not ok, and hope that she will be ok eventually. I think maybe I am the one who needs the help sometimes as well because it is the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning, and the last thought when I go to bed at night. She has been talking to someone new just recently, and she knows as soon as she tells him that he will leave her. She is not a slut either, and has only had a few boyfriends. She leaves for college in a few weeks, and I am worried sick about her. I wish I could take this awful virus away from her, I have lived my life and want her to live hers. I would love some words of encouragement, as well as to hear from other teens who have told their current boyfriends. She says she wants to date the normal way that people do, and not from online sites, and is afraid she will never get married, and end up getting artificially inseminated to have kids.
As moms we always worry no matter how big or small the situation. I suggest possibly joint counseling at least. Maybe she will feel more comfortable. In the state I live there is a hotline for teen counseling. The organization is called perform care. They come to your house. It's not a DYFS type thing at all. Tell her to take one day at a time. I recently disclosed to a gentleman. My first disclosure with guy, potential boyfriend. He was totally cool with it and was impressed I told him. He stated he could see I did the research and trusted me. He actually wants a relationship with me. So in your daughter case, they are all young. As maturity comes so will acceptance with partners. It's not the end of the world. Soon herpes will take a back seat.
Not necessarily .... we have had plenty of young people on here who find loving partners. She will need to get well educated so she can explain that she has HSV1 ... the same thing that causes cold sores, but just in a different place and so on.... get her on here and we can coach her.... and get her to contact Ella Dawson (the blog link above) who has recently graduated college but who can help her to understand that even at this young age, there ARE guys who will respect and love her with H.
She says she wants to date the normal way that people do, and not from online sites, and is afraid she will never get married, and end up getting artificially inseminated to have kids.
PLEASE... get her on here. Let US coach her .... H+ people get married to discordant partners ALL.THE.TIME. They have plenty of babies too (I have 2 beautiful daughters and I got H at 17). SHE needs to hear this from people who have been there ... so I hope you can get her to come on here and get some comfort from the people who KNOW what she is going through :)
(((HUGS)))
Thanks to all who have responded. It is very comforting to know I am not alone. This site is awesome, bringing people together.
Everyday gets better and better!
Dancer, you are a wealth of information... thank you thank you thank you.. .I stalk your responses almost daily :o)
I can't stay long, and wanted to get back to "worried"'s post above... so see that below.
Again - thanks to all
Ok, to "Worried", are we kindred spirits or what?? :) we are really going through the exact same thing it sounds like!! yes, I too feel like I am the one who needs the support group and therapy, as my daughter Kat, seems .. "okay". Maybe your daughter is like mine, she just handles it different than I would. Kat is proving everyday how tough she really is. She doesn't like to talk about it much - I could talk it to death - and i have to take a deep breath and remember that's how SHE wants to handle it.
She said, that if she talks about it too much, she makes it (herpes) bigger in her head than it really needs to be, and she doesn't want to give it that glorification, so she just doesn't.
I asked her if she's okay, if being "alone" (no boyfriend in sight - not that boyfriends are the end all but - well - you know - we were all 17 once) and she said "not really. I mean, I am not sad and lonely, I keep very busy, but sometimes I get bored and a 'boy' would be a fun change of scenery, but I know he's out there, it's just not my time yet"
so who's the mature one here? mom? or daughter? LOL
There is SO much more for me to say, but my time here is limited today, work calls.
I would love to talk further (like I said, I can talk it to death) but fear others don't want to hear my ramblings.. if you want to direct message me please do!! I am here, lurking and will always be available for a pep talk if need be.
and PS to my original title.. does it get easier? YES. :)
THank you all for responding. I do need to get her on here so she can see things will be normal eventually or close to normal! She just doesn't like to talk about this, and so I worry she is keeping it inside. I feel better after reading your responses knowing that there are others out there that I can talk to and that she can talk to. As a mom, I just want to take this away from her and make her happy again. I will encourage her to get on this site, as well as read the blog that was recommended. Is there a way for her to talk to Ella Dawson? I think it would really help her to have someone to talk to about this, as she has told no one! It is just her and I, and my son who know and so I think we both feel we are all alone regarding this. She is afraid to tell this new boy because he is friends with all of her local friends here and she doesn't want him to tell them. She is just scared of what the outcome may be. Thank you so much for responding and letting me see there is hope for her!!!
She can find Ella on Facebook or through her blog :)
https://www.facebook.com/brosandprose
Of course, Ella is swamped with people contacting her, but I'm sure she at least will try to help her to see that life will go on ... but get her to read the blog too ...
Oh, and I have an open group on FB (she can read without joining) and my blog Support Truth and Dialog for more information and support ... and Adrial has a ton of blogs on here many with videos of him interviewing people with H including myself. (see Herpes Videos links above) ...
And there's always the Lifestyle Guides (links above) ... if you put in PAMSAVE10 in the code box you can save 10% on any or all of them. They are well constructed to help to guide you through all the negative though processes that we can get stuck in so you can get through to a healthier, more realistic relationship with the virus.
Thanks! I will pass along the information to her. One of the issues right now is she doesn't want to talk about anything. When I brought up the topic the other day and wanted to tell her about this website she got mad! She is going back to school in a few weeks and I want her to have all the information she can get because I won't be there for her support. It's frustrating because I'm scared and worried about her! I appreciate you responding so much with great advice!
Honey, you are her MOM ... don't you know that you are just a nag and a pain to her right now??? LOL .... Print out the article by Ella and give that to her and then leave her alone ... she knows you care... she just isn't able to deal with it right now ... but she's more likely to follow up on Ella's stuff because they are closer in age ... and really, there's only so much you can do right now to help her... don't try to keep bringing it up ... that will only push her further away. Just tell her you love her and you are there if/when she needs you and then let her have some space. You will likely get a better response that way ... (voice of experience here!)
(((HUGS)))
@WCSDancer2010 you are so right. I took pictures of some stories I read on here and showed her and you could see she was getting annoyed that I brought it up again LOL. Where is the article from Ella? I would like to print it out for her. I did get her to join but i don't know if she has been on since then. I am trying not to bring it up every hour ha ha! Thanks again for the support.
@WCSDancer2010 what is your open group on facebook? I have been able to find your blog, but don't know how to find your facebook group. Thanks!
It's totally open, so if you join the group, people *might* see that you are on it, but I have tried to make is clear that it's a group for INFORMATION (the kind of stuff people should be keeping on top of if they are sexually active) as much if not more than support. So not many people "join" but, like this site, I am sure plenty lurk :)
It's definitely not easy to go through especially being young I feel makes it a little worse... i seem your thread through someone's comment on mine and I just wanted to send some hope :) she will meet someone and I know that isn't your main concern (your daughter finding love) but when a guy can truly look past it, it does help you feel better. i know how that sounds but the difference between a love interest accepting it and family and friends is a love interest will directly deal with it. Someone who cares and loves you to look past it... Family and friends are great and supportive but they are never in the position to choose what to do. The first guy I disclosed to was 19.... Pretty young and close to your daughters age and he never has done anything to lose my trust in him even after whatever we had ended. Herpes can be a good way to weed out the not so good guys lol... Let her know that. Also how is she going about disclosing? The first thing I do when disclosing is ask if the person has ever had a cold sore... Then I go to "you know that's a herpes infection right?" Then continue from there. I also try to subtly bring things up before I have the talk to see what they'd say.
