Met a great guy last week. He has been very open about his past and told me things that, quite frankly, I am not sure I'd have the courage to tell, and did in such a wonderful way. So, we are on to date #3. It's obvious that we both like each other and I feel that since he's been so open with me, it's time I give him the same courtesy. This is the only time herpes is a big deal. Ugh. What sort of information do you give to a new partner? Are there sites you recommend they look at? I have the one by the Westover Heights clinic. I will be glad when I know how this all works out. :) Wish me luck! So far I am zero for however many times I've had this talk in the last year. I am hoping this is the exception. Any advice or resources would be most welcome in the meantime.
I'll be with you in spirit :-)!!!!!! Seeing he has told you about some history that obviously may have contained a deal breaker for some, you are in a good space to share now too.
I haven't used any sites to recommend to anyone I disclosed to...just told them what I know, so can't help you there sorry. I know you are going to do just fine and I have a feeling it will work out perfectly :-). Good luck with the great guy! xx
Thanks lelani. And yes, he has told me things about himself that could have been dealbreakers for sure. Which is why I can't wait much longer to tell him since he has been so open and honest and risked so early in the relationship. As you say, since he's done that, hopefully it will bode well for me. I will let you know how it goes! *fingers crossed*
got my toes crossed too ;-) x
LOL You are awesome! Thanks so much!! xo
You might also want to listen to the savage love podcast #195. Dan savage interviews a director from planned parenthood and they pick apart hsv pretty well and in a casual almost light hearted way. It calmed me down quite a bit and its how I learned about the westover heights clinic. The two books that have come out of there have been my godsend to me since this anvil was dropped on me. I wish you the best of luck with this guy. Fingers crossed and hugs from a stranger!
That is a great podcast, sugarplumfairy! Here's my blog post on it with the audio embedded if anyone wants to check out its awesomeness:
http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-not-a-big-deal-dan-savage-love/
Find ways to relax, and don't place too much pressure on any one meeting or disclosure. What helped me was gathering my thoughts on one paper, then find positive words to replace any that seem negative. I also didn't prepare a whole speech, just key points I can elaborate on. That way I don't get nervous about losing my place and it feels more more a flowing conversation.
Lastly.... Be confident... Perhaps that goes without saying, but be confident not just in your understanding of the condition, but in your value as an individual. You are special, unique, and deserving of everything you want.
:) CBK
Thanks for posting that link adrial! I think it's something everyone, whether hsv+ or not should listen to. It helped me out so much.
Thanks so much for the link. I listened to it and feel SO much better. I would be lying if I said I am not still a bit nervous, but listening to that podcast really helped calm my fears and has helped me work out a more relaxed way to talk about this tonight.
Thanks CBK! Great advice on figuring out what to say. I may try writing things down and reframing in more positive language. All this fuss for a silly common virus. Honestly.
So glad the podcast helped :) I listen to it sometimes when I'm having a bad day or down about my situation. I agree completely with everything cbk mentioned. Stay strong, stay calm, stay focused. You got this! Hoping the best for you!!!
Thanks!! It was a great podcast. I will definitely listen to it again and again. I should see if I can download it and listen to it on the way!! LOL I'll let you know how it goes!
I am on eHarmony and I decided to try something new. You get to ask questions back and forth and when we got to the part where we could ask our own questions, I asked one of the guys if there were any dealbreakers and I listed things like smoking, drinking, having MS, small children, herpes, being overweight, etc. I figured hey, if herpes freaked him out, he'd jump all over it. His answer was that we all had stuff but it is when they are not disclosed that there is an issue. When I emailed him I told him I have a skin condition and if we decided to meet, we'd have to talk about it. I was sure I wouldn't hear from him but he wrote me back and wasn't even phased. Interesting.... :) We still haven't set a date, but I found that sort of straight up approach rather freeing. We shall see.
Anyway, time to get ready for "The Date". Thanks again everyone!!
Brenda
Good luck ! I'm also disclosing, in an hour or so (when he gets off work and we go out) ! It's scary and quite frankly, I want to just run, but It's been a while and I think it's time . You're on date #3, I'm 10 months in ... I wanted to wait to open up about it until I knew for sure that I was okay with it myself . I feel it's the right time, me and the guy can finally take the next step if it goes well !
Thoughts are with you and good luck, even though you won't need it ! :)
I am back. Disclosure done. I tried to ease into it and then I just decided to rip the bandaid off and just say it - I have herpes. He was surprised. They all are. The same look for all of them. LOL He was very gracious and asked lots of questions and said he would be talking to his doctor about this. I gave him as much information as I could and told him he needed to go away and think about it. I said if he decided it wasn't for him, not to feel bad. I explained that really the only time it's a big deal was in that moment of having to tell someone. The rest of the time it's just something that is and I also explained how it was a blessing in my life. Now that I have seen him again, not sure he's "the One" but it was good to practice it and realize that I am making progress in how I feel about myself when I tell people. I am feeling a lot more positive and not in judgment of myself like I used to be.
Thanks SO much for your encouragement and the resources. I also explained what an amazing group of support I have here and how I am SO excited to be going to the seminar in less than two weeks! :)
How did things go for you CAS? I hope it went really, really well!! :)
Brenda xo
May the force be with you ;)
That's great news about the disclosure Brenda. Well done, and an excellent outlook on it from a positive standpoint. Even if he is not the one you've had this opportunity to practice, and if nothing else educate someone about this condition. It isn't the monster we can make it out to be.
I had also not thought of it as you put it, "the only time it's a big deal was in that moment of having to tell someone." Pointing that out is huge, and I think makes light of the fact that the only reason anyone cares about this at all is the stigma we place in our own minds about how we think others might view us.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
:) CBK
See...perfect ;-)! Love the bandaid rip off - I tend to do the same lol. Interesting that meeting him again you are aware there isn't a strong enough connection - that's when I actually think H is helpful in sorting it out. If we didn't have it there is the tendency to jump in without full awareness...so yeah it is a blessing!
And Brenda I think you are pretty amazing Z:-) xx
Thanks so much! :) And you know, you're right. This herpes thing really is a blessing because it really forces me to examine a relationship where I never used to before. I'd jump in heart first and about two weeks into it my head would catch up and realize I had "done it again" and then had to do clean up work. H really does slow things down and make one examine relationships. It is also a good test for the future of a relationship. If they can't handle a cold sore, what about the bigger issues in life?
Thanks my dears. You all rock! I am SO lucky to have all of you in my corner. Without the H Opportunity and you, I would be doing this alone. :) Love you all!
Brenda xxo
So, eHarmony guy who I told I have a skin condition we need to discuss if we meet are meeting for a drink tomorrow. It was a total experiment that I never expected to go anywhere. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again but I was so tired of stressing about it and decided to say to heck with it and just throw it out there and let the chips fall where they may. Who knew! I guess we'll go on the date and see what happens! Once he hears the "h" word, it may not work out any better than before, but hey, it's worth a try and see where this experiment takes me. May as well have fun with it, right? :)
Brenda
Brenda, I am also on EH and am very curious about this experiment. I may implement it too. I am possibly going to be disclosing to a fellow I met from EH last week (we've met once after some long phone convos, have hit it off but are quite long distance). He lives near my hometown and I met him over the holidays when I was visiting family. I am still not sure if I am going to be getting to the point of disclosure with him because so far we have just been texting but haven't scheduled a follow up visit or anything. I am inviting input about how that disclosure should go, since I don't want to leave it until we see each other in person again.
I am meeting with "Experiment Boy" right now. I'll let you know how it goes. I reached the point of no return and figured I'd try something new. I'll let you know if it's successful or not. It's hard to know when to disclose. I don't like waiting too long myself because it like it to be out there so I know we are moving forward for sure. Or not. Whatever the case may be.
WD, is there an update? How did it go?
Experiment Boy and I had a nice visit but there was no sparks for either of us so there was no point telling him anything about the gift. Oh well, it was a good experiment. Some days I just want to stand on a hill and yell "I HAVE HERPES!!!!" and just get it out there. I am so tired of the stress that goes with talking about something so common. No one stresses to tell someone they have coldsores or they had chicken pox as a kid. It was rather ironic in that Experiment Boy told me about getting shingles from stress. Ahhhhh!! Didn't have to build up to it, apologize, explain, nothing. Just boom - I had shingles. One day I hope to have that same sort of casual conversation about the gift.
Thanks for sharing WD. I feel ya... I am dating on EH (in addition to on two H sites, PS and MpwH), so far I have had several EH dates but no reason for disclosure as of yet. One who I really thought it might get there with, but now he's not being so communicative... oh well, it would have been super long distance anyway. The others have been "mEH" dates at best, the H bomb has not been necessary :-/
It's all about the stigma. I am a fit, successful, reasonably attractive woman and I find myself really discombobulated about this situation.
Oh, by the way, just since you're on EH.... I just remembered something from one of those questions on EH, the question was "whether you would date someone with an STD." I, of course, answer "depends on which one." One of my "matches" answered "no; and wrote in that "you really should get that taken care of before you start dating," Shocking ignorance about basic factual info. This is evidence of the widespread confusion and ignorance that is out there amongst the civilian dating population.
I'll be going to the shelter tomorrow to adopt several more dogs, who needs dating (j/k). Call me the "crazy spinster dog lady"...
Hey Brenda...I so know where you are coming from with Experiment boy...Shingles can just roll so easily off your tongue aye?! One of my work mates had a shingles episode just before xmas and showed us....OMG it was ALL over her stomach - she got sympathy from everyone and was very nurtured. I was having an episode at the same time but its not appropriate to say anything just because the same blisters are on my lady bits and not my midriff! Needless to say there was no nurturing and understanding coming my way!
haha Atlanta I love 'the H bomb' ...yeah it does feel like that. I'm the same, super fit, intelligent and men think I am hot...hot from a distance now I have H. Yeah there is sooooo much misinformation about H, its not taught properly in schools and there is widespread misinformation from the medical profession. Your 'match' is testament to that!
And I am sitting on the couch with my cat and dog ;-)
I hear ya Lelani. It's all about location with this sneaky little virus. Everytime I see someone with a cold sore it still makes me cranky. Isn't that funny - your coworker has shingles mere inches from your ouchies and it's totally fine to talk about it, tell the world, even show everyone. We, on the other hand, suffer in silence and embarassment. I'm know I'm not about to be showing off my ouchies to anyone! LOL
That is awesome Atlanta - the H Bomb. It really feels that way some days, doesn't it? I heard that herpes is rampant in the seniors homes because the old boys and girls figure since they don't have to worry about getting pregnant, they don't need to use condoms. I don't even want a visual of one of them trying to put one on....but I digress. Anyway, maybe what I need to do is start cruising the seniors homes and see what I can find! LOL I like your idea about the animal shelter as well, but I think I am maxed out on puppy love. Thankfully I have a smaller condo otherwise....I could be "that woman with all the dogs". :)
We just have to laugh about it ladies. Not much else we can do. :) At some point some smart fella will realize it's just a virus. OR he'll be part of the club and it's all herpes happiness. :)
:-) Hi WD. Location, location, location... Sigh.
And I was being facetious about the additional dogs. I have two curled up next to me right now. I am fully stocked. Just my self-deprecating humor about the dreaded "crazy cat/dog lady" stereotype. I have a second date this weekend with a civilian, still too early for me to disclose, and I don't know if the chemistry is going to warrant it anyhow. I have never had to disclose because I am just now dating again after being gifted in a LTR that ended months ago.
A civilian!!! Hahahaha!!! I love it! I'm so happy to have found this site.
Hey Atlanta. I get ya on the dogs. I could be the crazy dog lady. I actually go to the pet store to play with all the animals. I am like a 5 year old in there. I play with the birds, talk to Chloe the Cockatoo, talk to the bunnies, play with the store dogs and let them climb all over me. And then I come home to my own two - my dog and my cockatiel and enjoy the unconditional love they give me. They don't care if I have herpes, or if I have gained 10 pounds or if I am getting gray hair. I feed them and they love me cuz I'm their mama. :)
Good luck with the date. If there is no huge chemistry, maybe it's not worth the stress. When I finally disclosed this week, as I was doing it I realized I really wasn't feeling it. I was actually hoping he would reject me so I didn't have to dump him! LOL Sometimes I use it as a defence mechanism to get rid of people. In the end, I decided that I needed to be straight with him. I'm just not feeling it and I may have herpes, but man, his baggage was certainly more than carry on. Drugs, theft, bankruptcy.....made my herpes look pretty damn good at that point! LOL
I hate disclosing but I always feel better once it's out there. Maybe practice on this one if you don't really care. Then when the right one comes along, it won't be so hard. :)
Since I've been in the online dating arena (feels like a sport at times) I've read stories of people who have disclosed in their profile information. This is something I've wondered about myself but haven't had the guts to try. From what I've read it's been a mixed bag, but no more so than online dating is already. So far I have come across one profile which indicated something but provided no details, however there were other concerns I had (she wanted to know income up front) so I didn't contact her.
Seems like it could work, but what holds me back is the level of ignorance regarding this condition. I've also considered the email disclosure but I prefer face to face interactions even though I get anxious and nervous I want to see the reaction of the woman I'm speaking with.
I've also had the same feeling of using it on occasion to end a bad date situation, but seem to find other ways to stop things from moving. Religion and politics come to mind, lol. When it's put into perspective against the other issues people bring with them, this condition seems less significant.
:) CBK
"When it's put into perspective against the other issues people bring with them, this condition seems less significant."
CBK and WD, you both make good points on this. "H" is a small carryon compared to some of the oversized baggage that some people are bringing into a relationship including children, ex drama, psychiatric issues, addictions and financial issues such as foreclosures and bankruptcies especially now. That said, somehow none of those issues bears the unpleasant stigma associated with H (at least for most people).
I have found that I often tend to "idealize" my date or love interest, overblowing my situation while thinking that their life is virtually problem free. It is important to keep it in perspective that everyone brings their own issues to the table. I keep telling myself that the right person will accept this as part of my overall wonderful package!
Hey CBK - I hear ya on putting my H status on my profile. Like you said, given the level of ignorance on the issue, I would prefer to have a face to face. I educate every person I have The Talk with and so, as gut wrenching as it feels each time for me, I really feel like there is a reason we met. I have learned through my coaching especially that the Universe only brings us the people we need and can learn from. I have met two men who had such horrific experiences with herpes - one had a filandering dad who had herpes so, for him, herpes had a really negative connotation. The other had a sister-in-law who got it from her cheating husband. She then passed it on to her new boyfriend and the boyfriend would come to her work everyday and tell everyeone she worked with how she ruined his life by giving him herpes. No accident our paths crossed. The other men either had things to learn about being safe sexually or else, I had things to learn about my choices in men. It's interesting how that all works.
I hear ya Atlantic on idealizing other people. Most of us do. We think everyone else has their stuff together but, the fact of the matter is, we all have stuff, like you say. Some of it bigger than a simple virus. It's just that the virus has such a stigma attached to it. The virus, I find, gives me a chance to take the shiny parts off of the other person because it slows everything down for me. I have a chance to invite my brain to the party before my heart puts the blinders on.
