I haven't posted here much besides 1 initial post near the beginning of my herpes journey, which I started at the end of October 2012. It hasn't been a terribly long time, but I have dealt with it in very unhealthy ways... Mostly, denial. But you can go back and read how negative I was about it back then... I have gotten better, but I admit, I'm not all there yet.
Anyway, I just had to share a positive disclosure story, because it is something I never thought would happen. Well, I was wrong.
I'm going to be perfectly honest.. sometimes, when I read positive disclosure stories I have this awful way of assuming the guy or gal accepting the disclosure might be ugly, strange, uneducated, and just plain can't get anyone else.. Sorry, I know that isn't true, but that is the story my mind pictures...
Well, I met a guy in February. He was out of town for work for a few months, so we only texted for about two and a half months. He is very good looking, very educated, smart, funny, personable....all of that.
When he got back, we started going out. I could tell he was really into me, and I was into him, but I held myself back because I didn't want to get my heart too involved...Well, too late. We started hanging out more and more, and honestly, I started trying to plan my escape because I didn't want to tell him. But I just couldn't let myself go there, and unfortunately things ended up going further than I had intended. (No sex, but plenty of everything else..although I made sure there was no rubbing and genital contact..)
So eventually, I figured I have to tell him, and if he leaves I'll be okay, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing.. and he is such a great guy that I can't just invent an excuse and ditch. It was probably the most courageous thing I have ever done, but I must admit I did it through email and then we had a phone conversation.
I could tell he was shook up and shocked, but he kept reassuring me, "I'm not going to just leave. I really like you. And I want to be with you. You're an amazing person, and we'll get through this. This changes things, but it doesn't change how I feel about you..." Basically, it led to him saying that he wants to be in a relationship, and not just casually dating.
Wow, well I certainly didn't expect it to open the door to start a relationship. I guess that is the opportunity, eh?
I do feel bad, like maybe I led him on for too long and he was too invested and cared about me too much before I told him. For that I feel guilty. Should I? I mean when is the balance to tell when its too early and when its too late (emotionally)?
I need to figure that out for next time. If there is a next time... haha
But I learned so many things out of this. First, I'm really NOT going to be alone forever. Sure, it is more difficult to date, but anyone who truly cares about you is going to stick around. It reassured me that this is not going to make a lasting impact on my life. Second, people are more accepting than you think. Everyone has problems.. and I guarantee a lot of people would gladly takes herpes to fix whatever is going on in their lives. And last, I need to work A LOT on myself. Even as he is saying these things, giving me a positive disclosure... I don't feel worth it. I don't feel like I deserve him. And well he is a great guy, I don't want to be tied to him forever, just because he is amazing enough to accept this. There are other factors in a relationship, too. I can't help but feel he is going to research it one, find a particularly negative article or some misinformation, and not be able to handle things anymore.
But it has been 2 days, and we are seeing each other on Friday, but he has been talking to me like normal, calling me our stupid pet names etc....
So I just wanted to share with you guys and I hope this encourages someone out there!
Hi danielle,
congratulation on your first disclosure.I dont think that you told him to late, the most important thing is that you told him when it felt right and you didnt had sex before....so you done well.The guy seems to be into you and thats what matter...sure he was shocked , nobody expact that there are people out there who have herpes genitales.....i didnt know much about it neither before it happend to me.Sure i would be shocked for the first moment but at the end is matter what i feel for person, i dont think that i would have rejected somebody for herpes , that not the person i am.
Anyway i wish you the best with the guy, hope you dont need to disclose again and that e will be the one forever:):)big hug. Judith
Congratulations Danielle! You are amazing and you should be feeling absolutely wonderful right now. Enjoy it, and best wishes to you as you move forward with the new relationship :)
danielle, thanks for sharing! I'm glad it went so well for you :)
Dear Danielle,
Reading your post, I can understand why this guy is crazy for you! You are very sincere and honest in your expressions. What I appreciate most about your post is how self-aware you are - you know what your weaknesses and limitations are and you are committed to working on those things. You are humble and that is humbling.
Regardless of how it works out with this particular guy, I hope you realize how much stronger and braver you are because of it!
Thanks everyone for the positive comments.
And just a little update... We have been having sex at least 2-3 times a day.. (With condoms....)
I was afraid he would be a little sqeamish around me...but no such thing...he is still very, very much attracted to me. :)
I have hardly thought about herpes since I told him, and that feels awesome!
For the newly diagnosed, don't worry too much if the internet/forums freak you out like they did me (not really this one, though), because they are full of posts from newly diagnosed, and many quit visiting or contributing once they realize it's not a big deal, simply because they stop thinking about it.
danielle330 just hit the spot.
Check some medical sites, it goes like this:
OMG I WANT TO DIE, THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER, MY LIFE IS RUINED.
joined in 2003, messages 01
hahaha
Then they forgot and they move on.
Now we get online, with our fresh H vandalizing our groins and we read this:
THIS IS THE END, I DESERVE THIS FOR I'VE SINNED
I AM DAMAGED GOODS, NO ONE LOVES ME
SHE CHEATED ON ME, I HATE HER I WISH HER DEAD
I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON, WHY ME?? WHYYYY?
And obviously we freak out sooo much we go crazy.
Thanks you for all the old timers that put some sense into this. I wish I found this forum the first day I started freaking out, oh boy I was in such terrible state....
But now it's gone, life is great and from time to time I feel a need to scratch my crotch hahaha. LIFE IS GOOD
Danielle! Woo Hoo for you! Thanks for telling us your great story and best of luck with this guy. He sounds dreamy!
Danielle this encourages me soooo much. I know I'm going to have to do the same thing soon. I'm dreading it. I have faith in the person, but it is just so nerve-wracking to reveal that to someone you don't want to see walk away and then wait for their response.
My take on it is this: H is personal and for me is only something I'm going to reveal to people who I deeply trust. As I'm getting to know this person, I want to learn as much as I can about him too, and if I learn anything that wouldn't be a fit for me (judgemental, anger management, unreliability, etc) then I'll see that we should part ways and I don't have to drop the H bomb :)
In the meantime feelings may be developing on both sides. But that's the risk of dating! I would try tell someone before I sense that they might say they're in love though. DEF before sex!
Your story inspires me Danielle! I've had gone out on dates but never told anyone of them. I've had unprotected sex a couple of times (I feel so bad about it). But I push them away when I feel it's getting too serious. I am afraid to tell a potential partner because I fear rejection. I don't want to grow old alone, and I am hoping and praying that when the right man comes, I will have courage to tell him.
Bravo Danielle!! I echo the thoughts of everyone else. I too can see why this guy is into you. You sound like such a lovely, intelligent, caring, down to earth person and who wouldn't fall in love. I think all of us have as well! It is normal for your guy to be surprised. Just like anything he didn't expect you to say, it's going to catch him off guard but that is all part of dating - getting to know each other, revealing parts of ourselves as we feel comfortable, and seeing what each of us brings to the table. Everyone has stuff. Dating is the great time where we get to know someone, find out their deepest parts and decide whether we can handle that perfectly imperfect person in front of us. If our broken parts fit together, then we are a match.
No matter what happens, I would could this as a huge huge win. Congratulations to both of you! He's a smart and lucky man.
Hugs,
Brenda xo
