This is easily the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Constantly weighing the best (more like mediocre) and worst (especially worst) case scenarios; the right words, the right place/time/tone/everything. The list is infinite. So I practiced my disclosure and finally picked a day. This is the date the game changes, that the last skeleton is let out of the closet to breathe. I truly felt confident that this person understands and adores me enough to make it over the hurdle — yet there are always those insecure voices that just will not leave your head.
The day comes and one of the worst things I imagine happens: completely unknowing, he makes a joke about herpes right in front of me and friends. My heart sank straight through to the opposite side of the earth and I completely shut down. I try to regroup and realize that even though I feel back to terrified square one, now more than ever this thing that has been crushing me for weeks must come out of my mouth today.
I know what and how I intended/imagined I'd say did not happen exactly that way, but that had absolutely no bearing on him responding like the genuinely caring, sincere, adoring person he is. Like I had been trying to engrain into my own brain, his reaction was essentially 'that is so not a big deal in comparison to everything else, so what do we need to do to work around this?' and completely brought me back to my senses with 'honestly, if you'd told me you'd killed someone, I would've asked if you needed shovels.' Many more details, stories and other types of disclosures then rolled out so simply and naturally after that, the conversation ended with us confessing our love to each other for the first time. This is so far beyond best case scenario. I may be getting ahead of the game, but I feel so confident now that I'm imagining this as the first and last time I'll have to disclose to a partner — whole new level of amazing.
I would be remiss if I didn't sincerely, intensely thank everyone I've encountered through this H support system. This journey could have looked completely different for me had I not had the opportunity to absorb and build upon the strength you've worked so long and hard to build yet share so freely. Thank you.
Ah, yes, Professor H! I love it! I'm wearing my tweed jacket, thick-rimmed glasses and puffin' my bubble pipe. ;)
It is awesome to actually read the post that you promised you'd write. I knew it would happen; it was only a matter of time. :)
I am so happy for you. SO happy. You know, you have done so much that people can't see. You deserve to celebrate. Everyone who is reading this should know what an amazing person you are. All of your practice disclosures, all of your fear and worries, all of your hope and focus on doing this well were because you care so much. You have grown so much toward knowing you're enough. It took a lot for you to do it and you did. THAT is the definition of courage. So much integrity, love and compassion. And he sees that in you. Thanks for letting us know so we can celebrate with you! Much love! Big hug!
I LOVEEEEEEE this story! I totally know how you feel and it is amazing to have all of your fears dispelled! Proud Proud Proud!
Congrats! So happy it went well for you. Good things DO happen to good people! So happy for you!
Thanks for all the love.
I can't wait to read your upcoming story on this awesome disclosure/love confession combo, lbbd8154! ;) It's so nice when people can see through the thin layer of herpes and into the depth of who you actually are, huh? It really proves that herpes is really no big deal when people see it for what it is. It's super refreshing! Congrats! To BOTH of you!
This is a bit delayed leslie_c but I love your disclosure story and am so incredibly happy for you! (You're a great writer by the way!) When I first read the line how he made a joke about herpes, my heart literally fell into my stomach, but reading the rest of your story brought up genuine feelings of happiness for you, and not to sound corny, but I'm proud of you for disclosing even after the fact that he made a joke. You set your mind to it and you did it! Congrats on such a great experience, I know only the best is yet to come for you :-)
Congrats!
It is awesome to actually read the post that you promised you'd write. I knew it would happen; it was only a matter of time.
I am so happy for you. SO happy. You know, you have done so much that people can't see. You deserve to celebrate. Everyone who is reading this should know what an amazing person you are. All of your practice disclosures, all of your fear and worries, all of your hope and focus on doing this well were because you care so much. You have grown so much toward knowing you're enough. It took a lot for you to do it and you did. THAT is the definition of courage. So much integrity, love and compassion. And he sees that in you. Thanks for letting us know so we can celebrate with you!
This is a bit delayed but I love your disclosure story and am so incredibly happy for you! When I first read the line how he made a joke about herpes, my heart literally fell into my stomach, but reading the rest of your story brought up genuine feelings of happiness for you. I'm proud of you for disclosing even after the fact that he made a joke. You set your mind to it and you did it! Congrats on such a great experience, I know only the best is yet to come for you.
I wish I could accept all of these comments joyfully right now, but unfortunately the last part of my story turned out to be a fallacy. The relationship has already abruptly, unfairly, unjustifiably ended. Total bliss to utter misery in what feels like the blink of an eye. I gave with my whole heart and since it wasn't related to the H or my disclosure I guess I can still consider it a success, but it is awfully difficult to celebrate right now. Thanks for the acknowledgement just the same.
I love you, Leslie. I've been thinking of you a lot lately ...
I read your post and am sorry you are going through this. I have recently had the same thing happen abruptly with someone who I thought would be forever... you wonder how the universe can be so cruel after you have been so brave and the response has been one filled with such promise. You soooo can consider it a success, for having integrity and the courage to be honest.
Leslie – it takes great strength of character and courage to be as vulnerable as you were. As one who has gotten better over time to BE that vulnerable honest person, the lows are no fun, but I've learned a ton – and the highs, well – they are the BEST – and have come into my life BECAUSE of those low / learning times.
I have learned the same through being vulnerable. I disclosed to someone this week who I am not involved with but I needed to be honest with... the best thing ever and he gets me more now and we are closer. Hard to do but was so worth it.
Thanks brinpdx and lelani – dead on. The dominoes fall different ways for a reason. Since that big heartbreak I've learned so much and now look back on it as tough practice – which led to a more successful (and less stressful) disclosure conversation recently with the current (fantastic) person sharing my love bubble. Cheers all.
I read your post leslie and am sorry you are going through this. I have recently had the same thing happen abruptly with someone who I thought would be forever...you wonder how the universe can be so cruel after you have been so brave and the response has been one filled with such promise. You soooo can consider it a success, for having integrity and the courage to be honest.
Leslie – it takes great strength of character and courage to be as vulnerable as you were. As one who has gotten better over time to BE that vulnerable honest person, the lows are no fun, but I’ve learned a ton – and the highs, well – they are the BEST - and have come into my life BECAUSE of those low / learning times.
Keep on truckin!
brinpdx I love how you put it...soooo true. I have learned the same through being vulnerable. I disclosed to someone this week who I am not involved with but I needed to be honest with..the best thing ever and he gets me more now and we are closer. Hard to do but was so worth it. Yeah keep on truckin :-)
Thanks brinpdx and lelani - dead on. The dominoes fall different ways for a reason. Since that big heartbreak I've learned so much and now look back on it is as tough practice - which led to a more successful (and less stressful) disclosure conversation recently with the current (fantastic) person sharing my love bubble. Cheers all :)
