I'm new here, but not new to Herpes. I've had it pretty much my whole life... HSV-1 since a very small child, HSV-2 since late teens. (If I could only get those odds when I bet I'd be rich!)
Last Wednesday, after going through yet another "I had the talk and he did the walk" encounter, I decided to come out of the "Herpes Closet". I long felt that I was in a "closet" around this subject and it was pretty serendipitous that I kept seeing a link for a Ted Talk with Ash Beckham on my FB feed that week. (the link is below). Everything came to a head and I decided that I had to change the Herpes Information Paradigm. The following was what I wrote as my "Coming Out" open letter to my friends and anyone else who may want to read it...
"Today, I am coming out of the closet. Yeah, you read that right. No, not THAT closet though.... as Ash Beckham said in this link http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible "A closet is just a hard conversation that you need to have".
MY closet is around the stigma associated with having Herpes. Yeah, I said it. And I don't give two shits any more who knows. Because I'm sick and tired of going into a new relationship, keeping my walls up until I feel the person is "safe" enough to take a chance with, but all the while knowing I have to have "the talk" with them at some point. Knowing that there is a really good chance they will walk away, even though I tell them that 80% of the population has Herpes and 80% OF THEM DON'T KNOW THEY HAVE IT. Even though I can take antivirals to reduce their risk. Even though, with the anti-virals, their risk of contracting Herpes from me is the same as their chance of dying in a car accident this year. Even though they have likely kissed/had sex with someone (or even more likely , more than one person) who has Herpes (who may or may not have known). Even though there is a REALLY GOOD CHANCE they have it themselves they walk away. And it hurts. A LOT.
It just happened to me again. I met a guy who seemed to have all the qualities I might like in a partner...at least as far as one can tell so early in a relationship. He was handsome, hard working, soft hearted, took care of himself and was a lot of fun to be with. We had some really "real" conversations right from the start - the kind you don't have with just anyone. And in one of those conversations, came the subject of STD's. And I was honest and told him my status. Silence. Followed by a few questions (when it became apparent that he didn't know much about it except the huge stigma associated with it.) Followed by silence. And a few more questions. To give him credit we DID go out on a few dates but he kept telling me he was afraid he was not the man for me because he "would always be worried about it". *Sigh*. Another one bites the dust.
So I am on a mission. To reduce the social stigma of Herpes and other STD's. To raise honest, REAL awareness of not only the risk factors, but also the real truth about living with them. You see, most of them are really an inconvenience. Only one (HIV) is a real "death sentence" nowadays and even then, with current treatments and medications, the life expectancy is 40+ years. Even with HPV (which pretty much EVERYONE gets at some point in their life) of the 100 strains, only 6 produce cancer...and those cancers are VERY treatable with early detection. And Herpes? Well, short of when you want to have a baby (when you have to take anti-virals and be cautious when giving birth so the baby doesn't get it) it really is just a nuisance... a pain in the ass (or nether regions!) for most of us.
I'm not saying jump out there and get it on as much as you want without precautions. I'm just saying... if you meet someone who you feel you have a real connection with - someone who is worth getting to know on a deeper level - and they mention the "H" word, please... GET INFORMED. This article is actually the most "real" of any article I've seen so far in that it puts it all into perspective: http://markmanson.net/std-guide . One or two of the facts may not be 100% correct (by his own admission) but the point is clear... Herpes and the other STD's are not the plague ... really folks...
And next time you go to your Dr, get THOROUGHLY tested. You see, when you go in, odds are you will only be tested for Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV. You usually have to ask for the others. For herpes, ask for the PCR blood test. Oh, and if you get cold sores, you have Herpes. And YES, it is an STD ... unless you never kiss someone. Because it can get passed on through oral sex as well. So it you get those sores on your lips, welcome to the club! Just make sure you don't kiss/have oral sex in the future if you have any chance of having an outbreak please.
I plan to start a group here on FB and hope to create a web page to help spread more understandable, REAL, common sense information so people can get properly informed about STD's. If you want to join me, support me, ask me questions, or whatever, please let me know! If you think I am a degenerate and you want to unfriend me, by all means, do. I really don't care any more. We are all adults here and it's time that we started having more of these "hard conversations". Hiding in our closets around things like this just adds to the mis-information, the fear, and the pain of dealing with something that, in this case, is sooooo much less of a big deal than people are making it out to be. If nothing else, perhaps we can get everyone to be tested and then the conversation will be about those who don't have it... because the Herpes/STD "club" is much, MUCH bigger than you think...
Peace out...
Thank you.... I have been working on being fully Authentic in my life for some time now... this was one one the last (and probably biggest) of the "lies" I have been living in order to conform with what is deemed "acceptable" in our society. It feels great to have done it and so far I have ONLY had positive responses ...
Sometimes what looks like a lion in the shadows is really just a housecat with a light behind it... :)
Another one in the light of day! Yay! I'm proud of you for stepping out. I'm glad to have another positive FORCE OF NATURE added to our blossoming, heartfelt community. Look at you in all your self-love glory! ;) Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for being yet another role model of transparency and self-love. Such a weight lifted, eh?
And yes, those closets can get quite stuffy. The interesting thing around shame/stigma is that WE are ultimately the ones giving it the power. If we feel stuck in that closet, then we are the ones who are believing this herpes thing is a huge horrible sexy-stealing beast. We are the ones who are believing the hype that herpes is something that will hold us back from sharing our big juicy hearts with the world. (As if!) And we can take aaaaall that power back once we start to accept ourselves, with our flaws and our beauty and everything in between ... each of us accepting ourselves as one big imperfect-yet-beautiful human package. Ironically enough, it's much scarier in the closet than outside of it, isn't it? What a mindfuck. ;)
I also want to reiterate to all those who feel pressure to come out of the closet that you might want to and you might not. It's up to you what you want to protect and what you want to be open about. It's on your own time schedule and what you feel is most healing for you. Honor yourself in whatever process that you are going through in your healing around shame and vulnerability. That's so, so important. And with more and more of us jumping from out of the closets and into the light, the more and more people will be there to catch you if you do decide to jump in there with us. :)
P.S. It's awesome to see how much that TED video is circulating. Here are a few mentions in the past few days on these forums:
Thanks - I have to admit I have been crying on and off all day. The coming out was easy. I HAD to do it. I couldn't stand it any more. But I am still intensely mad and enraged at the ignorance and crap that is out there that most of the population believes...the crap that scares really good men (and women) away because they go online and see photos of the worst breakout EVER, or they talk to their friends who tell them their junk is going to fall off if they get it, or whatever.
Yes, the really "good ones" will get over it quickly... but at the same time, I totally get it that there will be a lot of other really good people who will walk away thanks to the stigma and fear-mongering that has been promoted by the media and Big Pharma (this just confirmed what I thought was a likely cause of the stigma ). I think if the first thing *I* saw when I went online was some of the photos I've seen I might run too. :(
So I'm on a mission to change that ... and I'm already making some great contacts. Looks like I'll be part of a Podcast in early December with a Speed Dating organizer. I'm really excited about that. I'll pass on the info as soon as I get it :)
Todays update on FB:
Day 5 and I am soooo glad I came out of the closet. Its been a roller coaster ride of emotions.........Anger and pain because of the rejection I've received from so many mis-informed men when dating, relief that I no longer have to whisper behind a closed door if I discuss it, joy when I am contacted by someone who is finding some solace and strength in my stance, and sadness that a recent experience brought me to this place.........
But in the end, the message I received on a Herpes forum from a woman who was so shamed, she didn't have the nerve to put a photo up on her profile (and she's among people who are going what she herself is going through!) really made my morning. She put one foot out of the closet today and put her photo up.... and recently she reveled her status to two close friends who were 100% supportive. She got up the nerve after reading my "coming out" post and a post from another H person. Wow. Just. Wow.
"A closet is just a hard conversation that needs to be had. At some point we all live in a closet..... a closet is no place for a person to live.....We are so concerned about the reaction of the other person..... if you are going to be real with someone, you have to be ready for real in return.... " Ash Beckham
Shit's gettin real here folks ... and it's all good shit.....
:-) thanks for your support, just look what an impact your having already. I'm so glad you joined this forum. You are truly amazing :-)
Wow woman. You really are bad ass. That letter was amazing. You are inspirational on so many levels in that letter. Thanks for sharing this
Peachy - Not really bad ass - just sick and tired of the BS associated with H+. Sick and tired of hearing about people who are suicidal because of the stigma that society has put on us. Sick and tired of Doctors who just don't get the full psychological impact of H+ on their clients. And for myself, sick and tired of having a potential BF/partner walk away yet again when I disclose to them that I am H+ because they are so horridly misinformed about what it actually is.
So now I am "Out". I just got rid of the need for "the talk". Love me as I am or don't bother getting my hopes up. Sorta pre-sorting the men from the boys...LOL ...
Thank you though - I'm glad that my letter is helping others too ... it just confirms that I did the right thing in coming out :)
:) Thanks! Hows about an STD adviser/counselor for schools?? Lord knows they need better education in the High Schools and even more, in Colleges :p
So this "coming out" is truly opening up a lot of things for me. I've been asked to talk on a local podcast show this coming Monday by a woman who organizes Speed Dates ... We'll be talking about STD's with an emphasis on HVS and HPV.
How cool is that???
I'll post the link when I get it. We are posting links to support groups and information sites and I have given them a bunch of links from here.
One step. One conversation. One person at at time..... :)
My most recent Facebook post.... and tomorrow I'm recording the Podcast - I'll put the link here when I get it
I just have to put this out there. Please folks. Get educated about STD's. Even if you are in a committed LTR. Here's why:
As many of you know I came out about having Herpes on here a few weeks ago. I came out because I was tired of the stigma associated with Herpes - tired of "having the talk and seeing them walk" when I entered a new relationship. Knowing that in all reality they had likely been exposed (likely numerous times for some) to Herpes by people who don't know they have it or who won't tell because they experienced "the walk" too may times. Knowing that there was a good chance in reality that they may well have it themselves because most people have actually never been tested for Herpes. Knowing that 80% of the population has it and 80% of them don't know they have it.
I have since joined an amazing forum for people with Herpes where I get support and I can support others who are not nearly as far along as I am (I've had "H" for most of my life having got Oral herpes as a 3 yr old and genital likely thanks to being charmed - as many girls ore - by an older guy into a poor decision as a teen...). And IT KILLS ME to see how much EMOTIONAL pain and suffering they are going through because of the public perception of Herpes and STD's in general.
People with STD's are often perceived as irresponsible and/or sexually promiscuous. In reality, the majority of people have just made a mistake. An error of judgement. Or as one person put it "embracing the moment doesn't have to equal irresponsibility".
Sooooo many people on there have had the disease for YEARS and not known it because they got it - often from someone who didn't know they had it - and never never had an outbreak until some stressor allowed the virus to break through. Or they got it from someone - often in LTR's, sometimes in the beginning of a new relationship - who CHOSE to not tell them or outright lied about their status (likely because of past negative experiences). Or they didn't know that the HSV1 (Oral) herpes CAN be transferred to the Genitals so they thought Oral Sex was a "safe" alternative. Or because they actually used a condom but the person has the virus on an area outside of the latex barrier. The list goes on and on.
These people are GOOD PEOPLE. Many made one "mistake". One error of judgement. Others never were even given the choice by a lying partner. And pretty much every one who comes on the Forum is devastated and feels "dirty", feels that they will never be loved. Many feel their sexual life is over. And IT KILLS ME that they are in so much pain because of the ignorance of the general public.
So please folks... please... get educated and please. If you are in a new relationship and someone has the integrity and the BRAVERY to disclose to you that they have an STD, please get informed before you decide what path you want to take with the relationship. In the meantime, you have a chance to really get to KNOW the person better. And THAT may help you make a much better informed choice in the long run
Thank you for your story!! You're amazing and so strong! You give me hope that one day I can be strong and not get so depressed when I have an outbreak. :x
U are truly an amazing person... I often thought about just telling everyone.... Although only recently diagnosed n stressed as hell... I find real comfort in the fact that hopefully many people will get real knowledge about risks n in the hopes of having better deeper connections..:0) love you xoxoxoxo
Ya know, it's really not that big of a deal now that everyone knows. I'm glad that I can speak authentically and help to educate people.
And I am finding that *perhaps* a lot of the stigma is in OUR heads.
Perhaps it does add an extra hurdle for a relationship, but for our everyday friendships I'm not sure that we are helping ourselves at all by hiding it from everyone.
Perhaps a few of our friends and/or family would be less than understanding ...
But I just watched the interview on Oprah with Magic Johnson and he talked about finding out he had HIV AFTER he was married ... how his wife supported him ... how being a voice for those with HIV has helped his healing. And I KNOW I'm doing the right thing :)
Nic: I got to a point that I felt I had no other option if I wanted to stop the stigma....
I think it also helps that I'm post-menopausal ... I don't give a crap what people think of me any more - I do my best to be a good member of the human race and if someone wants to un-friend me because of a skin condition, I don't need them in my life ;)
Well I am glad I read this because I noticed a the pictures coming up and I have absolutely loved it and it has made me feel awesome. Proud of all of you and so glad to see y'all's faces. Y'all are beautiful people! WCS is like a freaking house mother. I swear it. Leading all us ladies, some tough love on my end ;) but always with the best intentions.
Well I took another step today. I re-instated my OKCupid profile ... and in the section that asks "The most private thing I’m willing to admit" I wrote the following:
I am a full believer in transparency so here it goes:
First, if you got this far and you liked what you read, please read this section all the way through before you pass judgment.
You see, I have the Herpes virus. Like 80% of the population. (Don’t believe me, check the CDC website). I’ve had it most of my life. I’ve had relationships with H- men and they have not caught it because I can take anti-virals and even without them I rarely have an outbreak. Your chance of getting it from me (assuming you are H- …and BTW, there is a really good chance you have not been tested unless you specifically ASK for the test) is less than 2% - the SAME risk you take when you get in a car for having a fatal accident. (and yes, I have the stats for that too ;) ).
Why am I revealing that here? Because I’m tired of having “the talk” and having guys spazz out because they have no freaking clue about the TRUTH about STD’s. In fact, I recently came out to everyone because I’m tired of the undeserving stigma that comes with Herpes. I am currently working with others on a project that will increase public education and awareness about STD’s including Herpes. (I can bet most of you have at least *some* incorrect beliefs and information about most STD’s). Coming out on here is all part of my dedication to changing the undeserving stigma that Herpes has in the public eye.
So before you click on the next profile, understand this. Herpes is the 2nd most common STD (HPV is #1 .. nearly everyone will get it at some point in their life… chew on THAT one for a second ) 80% of the population has Herpes and 80% of them DON’T KNOW THEY HAVE IT. And no, you won’t *know* from looking that they have it because many NEVER have an outbreak and they may well be passing it on to others unwittingly. (IE, they can shed the virus with no visible outbreaks). If you ask a Doctor about it, they will tell you it is a “nuisance skin condition” …. That it’s no big deal. To them, it is a very insignificant issue – you will be given a script for antivirals if you need it (if you are having an outbreak or have a partner to protect from transmission) and they will show you the door. And to be honest, that really IS all it is… a viral skin condition that happens to show up in a really inconvenient place. And all those photos you see on Google Images?… Well, they are generally worst case scenarios or perhaps first outbreak photos (the first is usually the worst…once your body develops antibodies it generally goes quiet and you may never have another OB). I promise you, while the first OB’s are generally not fun, you junk won’t fall off if you get it and you usually end up with only minor OB’s after the first one or two occurrences. This isn’t Cancer folks …..
BUT, even more important is the fact that I *KNOW* I have it and I can do a LOT to keep you from getting it. In a way, I am safer because I know my status. Many who contract herpes get it from someone who didn’t know they had it … because they got STD tested but didn’t know that Herpes is not usually done as part of the tests (thanks to the CDC’s recommendation). And Herpes is an Equal Opportunity Disease. Young, Old, Black, White, Rich, Poor, Nice, Mean, “Good” or “Bad”. 80% of the people around you likely have it. And don’t think that you can have Oral sex and avoid it – roughly half of the new Genital Herpes diagnosis are HSV1 (ie: from Cold Sores).
So now, if you got this far, and you liked what you read before this section and you would have contacted me, I ask you to give me a chance. Contact me and lets see where it goes. If nothing else I can help to completely educate you about STD’s and how to protect yourself. And maybe, just maybe, you will like me enough to take that 2% risk once you get to really know me…. And that is all I can ask for
It will be interesting to see what happens next. Hell, online dating has been such a dismal failure for me (well, not completely - I DID have one 3 yr relationship out of it) that I reckon it can't be any worse. If nothing else, maybe I will be able to educate some guys out there. I'll keep you posted about what happens :p
I love you dancer! lol you are freakin fearless! Haha I'm on that site too. i hadn't checked it in a while though good luck with it. One of ghose dudes on ghere was a real jerk. i didn't even have to go on a date with him. i figured it out in txt. He was already wanting to hit it and not eventake me out to dinner and a movie. just watch a movie at my house. what a freakin cheapskate!
LOL - I've gotten really good at figuring out the real jerks - one thing I love on there is all the questions. I go read the guys answers so I know what to ask them in the first few emails to see if we are a fit.
What makes me laugh is how many will totally deny their answers when I ask them about them. Like one who said he wanted to start a family (nature has shut me down and I don't intend to try to reverse things :p ) When I asked him he swore he didn't want a family. So I asked him about another question and he denied that one.
Meh - not holding out a lot of hope but what the hell! If nothing else it will be an interesting experiment :)
Omg i love the questions on there! how hilarious are some of those? one question asked "if ur partner asked you to squeal like a dolphin during sex, would you be wiling to do it?" Bahhaha. There's some others too but that one was most memorable for me.
LOL - I know! But there are a lot of really good questions - the kind of thing you may not learn till you get to know them better...
...things that make you go hmmmmm.... :O
Speaking of things that make you go hmmmm -
I just got my first post-reveal message... from a freakin 29 yr old.... ugh... (and I actually have said at the top of my Profile I will not reply to anyone under 35 - preferably 40. I don't mind younger but I'm not interested in guys my daughters might date....Smh) :O :O :O
Lmfao! you cougar! haha. go on and do it one time bjt make sure he is singing here's to u mrs. robinson as he's leaving haha
Well, day 2 of the OKC disclosure and I am getting some interesting results.
2nd response was a 30 yr old who said I looked like I could be 30 which is why I was getting all those responses...LOL ... at least he read the part that i was not interested but it WAS sweet.... :''>
3rd response - not sure if he has read all the way through... but at least age-wise he's in the ballpark.... ;)
and then... #4 - a guy who actually read it all the way through and STILL contacted me. He admits he's nervous (which is understandable) but the message my friends is HE STILL CONTACTED ME. And right now, that is good enough for me. It's all I ask for... a chance to get KNOWN by someone ... even if they ultimately decide that I'm not for them.... and not have to worry about "the talk". 8->
I'll keep you posted :)
WCS Well Said! Keep us updated on your experiment! It will be interesting to see how it plays out. I have not tried online dating, but maybe I should because I seem to attract jerks who treat me like a conquest, but then again I might just attract jerks who have an online dating profile ;)
LOL - I just had another 30yr old contact me - basically complained about the length of my profile and said guys just look at the picture and then contact you. So I told him that's one of the reasons (besides the fact that my daughters might date someone that age) that I don't date guys his age :p
I like OKC because it has all the questions - I always look at them because there are some I found that will tell me a LOT about the guy before we even talk - or at least it gives me things to ask so I can put the bullshit-meter to work. Having the disclosure will certainly help cull a few more :)
So far I'm up to 3 "cubs" and 3 guys who seem genuinely interested..two of which certainly read my disclosure AND they both seem pretty decent guys at first glance. Certainly far better response than I expected ... :)
Latest Dating Site update:
Now in conversation with THREE guys on OK Cupid - 2 are H- one actually is H+ and said "We have SOOO much in common!" when he contacted me ...LOL
Sadly the H+ guy smokes (which I LOATHE :-& ). But I'm talking to him because he seems to have a whole lot going for him. UGH. Whoever invented cigarettes, I WILL get you in the next life! X(
Both of the other two H- contacted me in part BECAUSE OF my honesty and "bravery" (I'm still not feeling that I am brave - I just don't care any more about who knows!) Not sure where they will go at all ... feeling neutral about them but they are both really nice guys so I'm practicing just trying to see them for THEM (as I hope they will do for me).
Oh - and had a 29 yr old on Positive Singles try to hit me up - gave him the "thanks but not interested in your age group" reply and he comes back with "Don't be afraid" .. I nearly CHOKED when I read that... =)) I have to say my reply was not terribly kind (I told him I already tried that route) but he got the message and relied with a "goodbye then"
HONESTLY, online dating sure has it's entertaining moments! :))
OMG.. I haven't seen this post in ages..look what your doing people posting their pics left right and centre now :-) and the date site ...you go girl. So wish I was so brave.
I love you woman xx
Your story...the courage to face that last hurdle, whatever the motivation was, is so incredibly inspiring. Thank you. For sharing your story and for the words of empowerment. "Sometimes what looks like a lion in the shadows is really just a housecat with a light behind it"...shedding light on those shadows takes the scary away! Tears...are so cleansing and healing. I had one of those cries a few months ago, after I found this site...and realized I was treating myself (especially in realtion to this H thing) more horrid than I would ever treat a friend in a million years. It has been the beginning of my own healing journey, as I learn to first be authentic with myself; changing those awful lies I've told myself over the last many years, into empowering loving thoughts.
So here is the crazy thing. If everyone came out at once...WE would be in the majority! And the stigma would be gone over night. We must overcome the crazy power that other people' "morals" have over us...many of who would be carriers if they were tested.
So why do we let the MINORITY have such power over us? Because we place more of a stigma on it than is out there in reality. As you said - you treat yourself worse than you would treat a friend if they disclosed to you that they had it. Nuts, isn't it???
I'm here to support anyone who is ready to step out of the dark. In my experience it's been very freeing and I'm happy to help anyone who is tired of the cramped, dark, nasty place :)
(((HUGS)))
Dancer - You inspired me to come out! I've been on the site since I found in September but after reading your posts I posted my pic & changed my username to my real name. I've already told my close friends & family - and nothing but support! I agree it would be amazing if everyone came out at once! xx Candice
Candice..
You've got me grinning from ear to ear :D
*Most* of the time, we get nothing but support. I know a few people on here have had negative responses from family (usually parents - sorta like kids don't want to think of their parents having sex, the idea goes both ways so for some hearing your kid has Herpes just makes it clear they are no longer your "baby" ...plus many are poorly informed about the whole Herpes issue and think you are "loose" if you get it :p )
Anyhow, glad you had a "positive" response to being positive! If we could all educate just ONE person, imagine how fast we could reverse the stigma of the big H :)
Peace AND (((HUGS)))
WOW - a friend told me she had meant to send this to me in November when I came out ...but forgot until now.. It was the Horoscope in the Chronogram...a local magazine that actually has a good rep where the Horsocope (and for all it's news) is concerned.
It hit what happened that month on the nose and I had never read it ...
"Has the whole sex thing been a little weird, whether mired in karma, needlessly complex or seemingly nonexistent? You may find the topic annoying and wish it would go away, or feeling some deep need, wishing something would actually happen. Count yourself lucky if you’re experiencing this on the level of “you can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need”—though where sex is concerned, that’s pretty boring. By sex, I mean both the experience and the relationships in which it occurs, the agreements involved and what is exchanged. Saturn has been in Scorpio, your solar fifth house, for a year, and it’s leading you to be more careful, or putting the brakes on your adventures. At the same time, Saturn points us in the direction of authentic necessity and always gives more than it takes away. You have reached a kind of crux point on whatever it is that you’re going through; events of the next few weeks are likely to come with a bold transformation, and to reveal the deeper contents of your feelings. The essence of Saturn in this area of your chart is about taking total responsibility for your sexuality and for what you exchange with others. Mercury retrograde is about finding the intersection of your fantasies and your reality. The eclipse is the catalyst that starts the reaction—and an X factor."
Gotta wonder sometimes about things we can't explain, eh? authentic necessity, ... Yeah - I guess you could have called it that ;)
Oh my goodness. You are my hero!! Lol I am sending you the biggest hug through this thread right now!!! Everything you said and have done is so admirable and just amazing. I'm having trouble putting the right words together after reading that, but thank you. It feels like a giant step for all of us. Hopefully this will cause a ripple effect which will lead to educating people that what we have, This little annoying friend of ours, is just a nuisance and nothing more!!
Thank you so much for being such a strong woman. It's so admirable and so encouraging!!
Lots of love and lots of hugs going you way!!
thanks! I love what Dancer said about if everyone came out at once, we'd be the majority...ARRRRGH why can't we all work up the balls to do this???!
Scareypanties:
There IS a move afoot to do something like that... to have us all come out at once... it's a project that I believe Adrial will get back to once he finishes the Home Study course.
Stay tuned for more details.
That said, we can each start sticking toes out and peeking out. I mean, for many, just putting a photo on HERE.... a place where we all understand .... was a big step. Or revealing to a parent or sibling. Or just putting someone straight when you hear an untruth about STD's (I did that yesterday on FB). ANY little stet is empowering.
I'd been oozing out of the closet for awhile. I got tired of having to make up a story about my Cesarean (which I had because the Dr scared me into doing because of the Herpes and which I didn't need ... and lived with that frustration all this time) so I had told a few people about the real reason for it. My girls knew. And a few good friends. I got to a point that I just didn't care if someone chose to not like me...or even if they chose to be ugly (because that just would tell me more about THEM). And I got REALLY tired of seeing people being suicidal about their diagnosis. I mean, no disrespect to anyone but really, there really ARE so many worse things that could happen to us. I watched my mother take 8 years to die after a Stroke and she wanted to die most of that time. THAT I understand. She was in pain and barely able to get around and eventually was bedridden. THAT is a pretty good reason IMO to be clinically depressed . I guess it "helps" that I've lived most my life with this but I HAVE been through my crisis with it (post divorce when I got all the latest info including shedding and what have you and I learned how much stigma has suddenly been attached to something that didn't seem like such a big deal when I was first diagnosed). So I've cried my share of tears.... but because I wasn't dealing with the first OB's too I just had to process the new info.....
I think it's time to make the change. There are programs on TV about Taboos (everything from various "kinks" to religious groups to tattoos or other body alterations, etc) which were NEVER discussed in public. We talk openly about famous figures who have HIV...and they talk openly about their experience. We have RuPaul leading the way for the Drag Queens and there are shows about Transgender CHILDREN which would never have been aired 10 years ago. So it feels like we are FINALLY growing up and escaping our Puritan forefathers shame and inability to discuss Sex like adults.
We are paving the way my dear ... once the Home Study course is done, we will be looking at where the next focus will be. Stay tuned. 2014 is going to be an exciting year for us!
Well, the latest is my "Out Adventures" ... sitting in a diner tonite after our dance practice with 3 friends, openly discussing herpes. As in, loud, proud, and who cares if someone overhears us kinda talk. I got to educate them about the virus and even more important, the unfair stigma and how strongly it affects people. And it was AWESOME.
You guys really ought to try it. It's very freeing and wonderful to be able to discuss this without feeling you have to drop your voice or run to a private room to say the H word... ;)
Yay!!! For the H+ guy don't let smoking be a deal breaker...maybe he'll quit soon or switch to e-cigs. And that "don't be afraid" comment rofl hahahaha positive singles is just plain weird. Keep the success stories coming! The more I hear how little the world cares the more I kinda wanna just come out too...
He made it clear he has no intention to quit ... and he was the one to stop contacting me. So many start a conversation then as soon as you get something going they disappear :p
Yeah - I laughed pretty good at that "boy".... at least he wasn't letting his H+ status scare him off from trying to find his game - he just needs to use it on someone in a more appropriate age group ...LOL
And I am coming to the conclusion that the world really DOESN'T care half as much as we think... especially the over 40's. It seems the 20-somethings *may* be more cruel - and I think that is because of ignorance and fear....us "older" folks have usually experienced more people around us with it and come to realize it's not as scary as we think.
Finally updated my PoF profile to include my status the other day (I did my OKC one awhile back but had my PoF shut down for a few months) Got 7 messages in 3 days. So much for scaring guys off with honesty :)
Here's what you were referring to earlier in this thread, Dancer:
http://herpesopportunity.com/the-shamelessness-project/
And yes, a goal for us as a unified community is to gain the momentum to eventually step across the line together. An automatic built-in support system and an automatic nip-in-the-bud to shame and stigma. Shame can no longer exist when people realize there's nothing to be ashamed of in the first place and when we all take a stand together to that end.
I'm excited to continue this movement ... It's definitely an idea whose time has come.
So update:
Many of you will have read my run-in with my daughter, who feels my being out has a negative impact on her life - she's 25 and has always blamed me for a lot of stuff (she's definitely a Daddy's Girl). She's still mad at me... I"m not happy about it but she's being self righteous and won't listen/talk to me to sort it all out. This is the ONLY negative impact I've had so far. I wish it didn't happen but I'm not going back in that damned closet.
Now, for the good news. Well, I've been on a couple dates with a couple guys who contacted me after I put in my status on my public profiles on OKC and POF. I have one who I am seeing again tomorrow and he seems like a nice guy. It will be interesting to have "the talk" with him (to make sure he READ the profile) but I somehow don't think it will phase him at all.
Being "out" on my profile hasn't seemed to slow down the interest - I'm getting about the same amount of messages from interested guys ... many with praise for my transparency, which makes me more and more convinced that the Stigma is more in our head than it is in real life.... yes, there are those ugly people on certain Yahoo groups who say nasty things, but I consider them to be the ignorant masses that I want nothing to do with (and I'd LOVE to know how many actually are carrying it - odds are they will get diagnosed one day and be on sites like this looking for support ;P )
So, anyway, that's where I am right now. Life is GOOD, even with the family drama. ;)
Peace Out
Well, turns out my date hadn't read the profile ... LOL .. (typical guy, eh?? Although I do admit my profile is actually a short biography.... *grin* .. anyone who knows me here knows I don't edit well .. )
It actually came up because he called and asked what I was doing, and I replied I was helping people out on a Forum I am on. He asked what the forum was for, and I replied "You know where I disclosed about having Herpes? Well, I work with some people on a forum that people come to for answers and support". Short silence. He asked some questions about transmission, and admitted he hadn't read the whole profile. While I was giving him some info he interjected "Just want you to know I'm not running".
I went over this afternoon and we hung out - still getting to know each other, but he's made it very clear that he's not scared off by my disclosure. Still getting to know him...we certainly have a lot of common interests and it will be interesting to see where this goes. But I just want folks here to see that straight up honesty AND confidence in knowing the facts about your condition makes all the difference in the world.
Oh - and after we talked my friend went and actually read my disclosure... and it only made him appreciate me more for my candor and honesty. I'm getting more and more convinced that this is the way forward for us... yes there are communities and groups who may be ugly in their actions but they are often the same groups who are ugly and negative and drama filled around anything that *they* don't consider to be *normal*. I for one don't associate with people like that. So maybe that is why I am getting this kind of reaction...but then again, I have no control over who reads my profile and I'm still getting only positive reactions to that as well.
It certainly is an interesting ride at the moment! Peace out my friends!
So a quick update on my dating endeavors:
I am striking out on connecting, but I thought I would post a few of the comments that I have had from guys who I have had some conversations with... a few who are still in the early talks as well as some who just didn't make a connection. But I'm so touched by their words.... it shows me yet again that there are many, MANY people out there who will honor transparency, vulnerability, and integrity over a crappy virus.
"I appreciate your full disclosure - it is unusual integrity in this meat market..... "
I applaud your courage in your last paragraph. I must say being in a monogamous relationship for 25 plus years has kept me a bit in the dark. I know you are on a quest to educate, and I know I could use a lesson.
Yes I get it with STDs, especially HPV, several years ago I nearly died from a fast growing tumor on my neck, after emergency surgery, chemo, radiation and all the hell associated with it the best guess doctors had was oral sex with a past partner and she had HPV. This act of sex is the number one way for men to contract HPV from a female partner and it typically appears in the mouth, neck or throat. Not that I want to talk about all this with a lovely woman I've just met, but you addressed it, I get it and shared my experience.
I like your honesty. Unfortunately many people are not honest.
Hi Your honesty is totally refreshing. ...... Thanks for sharing your info about STDs I wish there were more woman as honest as you are here. You deserve the best don't settle for less (sounds like you won't )
HERPES..... HOW DOES THAT WORK AS FAR AS TRANSMISSION DURING INTIMACY? ......I sent an explanation .... YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR!!
:) THE INFO YOU'VE PASSED ALONG IS BOTH EYE OPENING AND INFORMATIVE!!
YOU'RE SUCH A DESIRABLE WOMAN! GORGEOUS AND INTELLIGENT!!!!!!!!
YES!! I AM FROM THE CAMP WHERE BRAINS ARE SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXY!!!!!
I read through most of your profile but I got the important parts. I really respect your full disclosure, it's...ballsy. I too have HSV and I'm not sure I could ever put it on a profile. It's true, though, that the talk is such a drag.
So, there you have it... there were a few other that either talked to me (so I don't have a record) about it or I deleted the conversation ... some just went nowhere fast and I didn't think to save what they said....
The point is, there ARE many people out there who are willing to get to know us AND our "little friend". To those of you who are convinced noone will love you, and that you have to avoid dating, believe me, you CAN make connections with H- men/women. If I can do it with complete disclosure on my profiles, (and I live in the sticks so it's hard to meet people anyway ) you can do it too.
Peace
Sooooo.... update again..
I was contacted a few days ago by a guy who seems to be really into me and things are going well. This is what he wrote in his first contact:
Hello, with all that I read. I am glad you are upfront with your condition. I dated someone with HPV and it wasn't a big deal. Why? because she came out and told me day one of us talking. So, I think that is very commendable for you to do.
A few days later we were talking about how Dr's just don't seem to care about how a patient feels when they get a diagnosis and I mentioned the issues with Dr's being so blase about Herpes when the newly diagnosed person is freaking out and the work we are doing here ... and he wrote:
Good for you Pam. Once again you are so commendable. And the funny thing is even though I introduced myself to you talking about HPV I totally forgot that about you until you just said that. Just goes to show you I don't care about that. I care that you are doing what you must to give back and be careful and healthy but overall it's not even a blip on my radar in getting to know you.
WOOOOOW.... now THAT is the kind of guy I am looking to attract ... and my friends, if there is one like him, there will be more. I am getting hopeful that this guy will work out but we have not met yet and we all know that chemistry is a fickle thing... cross fingers for me!!! But it just shows me that there ARE great people out there who value the PERSON over their flaws/baggage.
Please friends, when you are feeling inadequate or unlovable or you are convinced that NOONE will love you, remember this post. We may have to deal with a whole lotta frogs out there, but Herpes will help you to sort the ones that are "Prince" material from the impostors... ;)
Peace out :)
Well, another update. First - that guy didn't work out ... it was odd because we went out several times and he totally let me set the pace, which was sooo refreshing. But something seemed "off" so I kept it very neutral while I tried to figure that out.... and then one day his phone was disconnected ... so I decided it was time to see if Google could tell me why things felt off ... and after a little detective work, I find out ... THE GUY WAS ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK LAST FALL! ( He was released on his on recognizance which makes me wonder if they thought they had the right guy but mention anywhere about whether he was taken off the suspect list or what). Anyway, never heard back from him (thankfully) so that was short-lived...LOL. Life is nothing if not an adventure, eh?
Still getting a lot of interest - just not from guys I'm interested in or the conversations peter out over a few days (online dating seems to be like that ... kid in candy store syndrome) but I'd say that most of the guys seem to be better prospects as a whole than I was getting before.
Today I went on my soapbox on FB again ... I'm sooo disgusted with the Medical professionals who are behind on their information that I just had to get another statement out there asking them to get tested and, more importantly, INFORMED about STD's..... Here is what I wrote:
So I just have to put this out there. I hope everyone who sees this will read it, because it may affect you or someone you know:
Many of you know that I am a Life Coach and Advocate for people with Herpes and other STD's. It's been an enlightening time for me since I joined forces with the Herpes Life forum and started my own blog. I love this work, especially helping the newly diagnosed to gain the facts and help them to realize that their life is FAR from over.
One of the things that has me even more disturbed than the realization of how under-educated the public is about these things is how ignorant the DOCTORS are about Herpes and how it is transmitted. I'm hearing time and again that people are being told that Herpes can't be passed on if you are not having an outbreak so you don't need to tell your partner as long as you avoid sex during an OB. Or that if you get it "down south", it HAS to be Type 2 (Not true ... 50% of all the new cases of H are HSV1...aka Cold Sores ... from oral sex... often in spite of the fact that the giver hasn't had a cold sore since childhood).
Folks: when you go for your STD checks, PLEASE ask that they include the Herpes testing .... as well as Chlamydia and HPV (for women ... there isn't a HPV test for men : as these are usually not included in the regular testing ... (you can thank the CDC for that bright move). Knowledge is power..... and ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to STD's.
FACTS: 80% of the population has one or other types of Herpes ... most have HSV1 in the form of cold sores ... but it's good to know that you carry that so you can take more precautions with oral sex and even kissing/sharing drinks if you have a friend/family member who is immune compromised. 15-20% have HSV2. That's ONE IN FIVE of your friends ... and 80% of them don't know they have it. Condoms only give you 50% protection from getting Herpes (and HPV for that matter). Sex Ed in school is NOT getting this information out there and if you have been in a LTR odds are your STD knowledge is well out of date.
The #1 cause of the spread of Herpes (and other STD's for that matter) is IGNORANCE, not promiscuity. The vast majority of new cases come from someone who either didn't know about asymptomatic shedding (thanks to the info from their Doctors) or they don't know they actually have Herpes because they are an asymptomatic carrier. Those of us who have H can and DO protect our partners from getting it with medications, condoms, and abstinence when we have prodromes. In fact, I'd put out the theory that WE are safer than the majority of the population because we take measures to have the "STD talk" and to be responsible around doing what we can to prevent passing the virus on to others.
If you are sexually active OR have never been tested for everything, PLEASE get educated and tested (and be very careful where you get your information from... there are a lot of bad resources out there) Herpeslife.com, Westover Heights, and the CDC are the best sources for Herpes info. If you want info on other STD's contact me.
For more information, facts, and links to other STD support groups, feel free to reach out.
*Stepping off soap box*
So - Update:
Dating is still a mixed bag - but not because of Herpes. It's just hard to find someone when you are in your 50's, are set in your ways, know what you like and don't like, have learned to not compromise, and you already have a great life in a good town and don't necessarily want to move unless the person is REALLY worth the risk....
I had 3 dates a couple weekends ago... met one on Positive Singles, one on POF and one on OKC ... funny enough, didn't connect with the PS guy at all ... the POF guy was a definite possiblity but he contacted me later to say an old flame had moved back to town and he was exploring that option but that he really liked me and would have pursued me if this had not come up. The OKC guy was an instant attraction - came on hot and heavy and disclosed something to me that was very personal ... we had so much in common ... suddenly he disappeared ... I think it's to do with the thing he told me about.... that perhaps he's just not ready .. we keep having short texts but have not managed to get together ... so not sure where this one may go. He may well be worth some patience, but I have to see what the deal is before I see if that is right for me.
I'm putting this out there because I want you all to know that the two last guys are H- (at least, they believe they are) and neither was worried about my status. I have it all up front on ALL my profiles and I just keep getting really supportive and genuine men contacting me ... some to just say how much they appreciate my honesty, and some with more personal interest. NOT ONE nasty email ... and I put this up early this year.
This was the most recent email that I got:
I have to hand it to you, you are the only person I have seen on this or any other site that is straight forward especially about an STD. You have earned my respect. People are so dam stupid sometimes. I once dated a woman with Herpes no big deal just use the brain. Anyway I just had to tell you that Very,Very Cool.
Much of the stigma is in the brain of those who have the virus - NOT in the minds of those who may want to meet us and love us ... certainly not in the minds of anyone who is worthwhile and deserves to be in our lives.
((HUGS))
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your experience here. Jon Stewart had a lame herpes joke on his show the other day which gave me an idea as to how to "come out together" as I saw you mentioning in another thread.
I'm also glad you shared about your daughter and her reaction. I've shared with a number of close family/friends: my mother (she said, "ah, you've been a bad girl" haha), my sister (love her), a cousin, by bestie GF and my bestie BF. Wow, I'm so lucky!
It crossed my mind this morning to share with my 15 and 17-year-old kids, girl and boy respectively. I didn't do it partly because I don't want to burden them with that. (They will remember my initial OB because I went to the ER twice because I COULD NOT PEE. Yup: nasty fucking virus.) And I want to alert them before they go to college and off into life that some people might seem nice, you may even fall in love with them, but that won't stop them from doing unto you what you wouldn't FATHOM doing unto your enemies, let alone the ones you profess to love. :'-(
Well, i would definitely talk to them sooner rather than later. Be careful about how you approach it (esp the issue of the guy knowing) ... The God's honest truth is that 80% of people with H don't know they have it anyway and the VAST majority of people who get it get it from an unknowing asymptomatic carrier .... THAT is what they need to know ... that to just ask is not enough.To assume a new partner is "clean" is to play Russian Roulette unless you SEE their test ... and that at the VERY least they need to use condoms .... reality is they will want to explore their sexuality ... but if you can get them to at least be more careful than most, you are winning ....
And for your son, tell him to NEVER assume that because a girl is on B/C that she won't get pregnant ... it's another great reason for him to use a condom ... Pregnancy is a Sexually Transmitted Condition with lifelong repercussions .... and IMO any guy who puts the whole burden of avoiding pregnancy on the girl is foolish and asking to be a Baby Daddy :P
I'm sorry you had such a bad first OB - it's likely because he had the blister so you got a "mega dose" I expect. For the majority of us it's not nearly that nasty .... if it was there would be a MUCH bigger reason for the Big Pharma to do more. Again, for 80%, it's nothing. The other 20% have varying degrees of difficulty with it... only a very few have your experience. The reason I say be careful how you discuss it is that they *might* fall in love with a REALLY GOOD PERSON who has Herpes .... they need to know that YOUR experience was not the only way it goes and that *most* of us don't have that experience. Does that make sense???
(((HUGS)))
So... latest update:
The OKC guy and I hit it off ... he had no problems with my H+ status but I had to tap out last week because he is just not able to communicate and be in a relationship the way *I* want to be. He has stuff going on and maybe it's just not the right time for him.... so maybe he will be back later, but right now I'm back to being single.
Still getting a LOT of guys approaching me. Problem is finding anyone *I* have any attraction to as well. I'm in conversation with about 5 guys at the moment ... only just opened myself to starting again ... trying to give them a chance. All 5 are, to my knowledge so far, H-. Most guys who are H+ reveal that they are impressed with my openness pretty early on and admit their status .... and I usually end up educating them in some way because most have not found a place like this for support. We'll see where they go... so far I'm not feeling any kind of draw to any one in particular ... but that may change with a date or two. We'll see.
I've had 2 interesting experiences lately. One was that I went to a party with a Tarot Card reading ... I knew the reader I was going to see ... but I figured (correctly) that this person likely wouldn't remember where we met, so I kept that to myself until after the reading. We had actually met when I did a Podcast on STD's and Herpes for a friend. So after I revealed this, they revealed to me that they had actually been diagnosed about 3 months after with Herpes and that what they learned in the podcast saved their marriage ... we have made plans to talk further as they still have questions but it was soooo beautiful to know that whether anyone listened to the podcast or not, it resulted in helping at least ONE person ;)
The second experience is a conversation with a gentleman who lives further away who is H+ on OKC about my status admission on there ....
I just read your profile and I was so moved by your coolness, inner and outer beauty, honesty, and bravery, that I had to reach out. The herpes conversation blew me away... right on your profile page... along with all those beautiful pictures of YOU! You put yourself right out there! You deserve to find the man of your dreams! You are an amazing woman!
What I really get from this conversation is how powerful our actions can be for others in ways that we may never know or understand .... this man reached out to me (and we have had a great phone conversation as a result and I can see a nice friendship as a result) ... but I wonder how many don't perhaps reach out but who are touched and moved and inspired by my profile and who may perhaps have more compassion either with themselves (if they are H+) or a potential partner (if they are H-) because of what they read in my profile.
We ALL have the potential to change the perception of Herpes and STD's in general. I truly believe that if we could all just be able to be fully AUTHENTIC about who we are ... and fully OK with it (the good, the bad, and the viral!) that life would be a whole lot better on this planet..
Peace Out :)
