Hello beautiful people!
I felt compared to share today. I don't comment on here often anymore, although I do lurk. I'm so incredibly grateful that this forum, @Adrial, & @WCSDancer2010 exist.
That being said, I wanted to share how H has affected my life. I was diagnosed in March '14, two months before my 21st birthday. I was a peer health educator who always got tested and used condoms. Despite my training and frequent testing, I acquired this little bugger opportunistically from a partner who carried the virus on his scrotum (remember H is a skin disease more than a sexual one...), despite our use of condoms.
I was devastated. I initially blamed a previous partner, then thought I gave it to my *actual* giver, then got my results and learned other otherwise. It was a mess. My self-esteem shattered, so I threw myself into fitness. I got in amazing shape, got on suppresive therapy, and started slowing down with partners because I really had no other choice. I had to not only put my health first, but reevaluate what I saw in myself as well... what I valued about myself.
I grew to realize I was more than just a young sparkly p***y and that my worth didn't start or stop there.
Soon after, I disclosed to my first partner after diagnosis. He was compassionate and understanding. He got tested before we were intimate to protect me even further! I had no idea I could have such a supportive partner, but prior to H, I had no reason to seek one. I realize now that we often have to lose something good before we can become available for something better, no matter how we get there. We dated for several months and broke up for other unrelated reasons.
In the 9 months since I've had several dates with kind, patient partners. I've told them I don't hook up and they've mostly respected that without question. I realized how many guys were not what I wanted just because I took the time to get to know them before sex got involved. I graduated from college with amazing grades, landed a new job out of state, and haven't had an outbreak since my initial diagnosis. I've been so much happier and more fulfilled than ever before.
Lastly, I'll say this... I struggled with my stifled sexual freedom at first. I still do, occasionally, but I've learned to love the tension. I thought H would suck the sexy out of me. Remember the partner I initially "blamed" for my H? Turned out he didn't have it and that technically made him my first disclosure. I thought for sure if there was anyone who wouldn't come near me again, it'd be him. We recently connected again and ended up hooking up. He told me that he knew that H had nothing to do with who I am and that despite my diagnosis, I'd do whatever I could to protect partners to the best of my ability. He knew I was still me, just with an inconvenient, opportunistic virus that hides most of the time. No deal breaker there.
I say all this to remind others, especially the young and newly diagnosed, that H is no big deal. It's treatable, manageable, and in NO way a reflection of your character. You carry H, H doesn't carry you. Make sure you're carrying that head and those shoulders high! Promise, it gets easier ♡
I love this.
I can really relate to you when you talk about how you realized that the guys weren't what you wanted before sex got involved. I finally see how important that is. Being diagnosed with H has really gotten me to do some soul searching and re evaluation. Looking back on my last relationship, there were so many things about him as a person that truly truly sucked but the sex was so good that that's what really kept me around for a year haha. Until I finally had had enough... but if I had taken the time and done it right I would have seen those traits and my vision wouldn't have been clouded by sex.
I'm glad you're doing so well!
Beautiful! Thank you for checking in and letting us know how you are doing!
Thank you for this. Going to print it out as it needs to be read over from time to time...very uplifting
Being diagnosed with H is full of surprises. It is comforting to see someone accept the good that can come from this. I strive to be the same way, with any challenge in life. So happy for you :)
@serendipity515 Your story is so relatable. I was diagnosed in May a few days after my 40th birthday. After the initial shock, I decided it was time to get healthy and went on a herpes tailored clean diet. I lost 15 lbs and I'm working out with a hardcore trainer. I was saddened by the loss of my sexual freedom, which meant I didn't really date the past 2 mo. My ex boyfriend has been my kayaking buddy all summer, and I told him because we're like best friends. He was as understanding as you said of your ex. Three weeks ago he told me he was a closet alcoholic, and that's why it never worked with us. He preferred to drink more than to date. He quit drinking that day, and we've seen each other every day since. He is totally ok with having sex with me (I'm on valtrex), and he chooses not to wear a condom. It's crazy how this horrible diagnosis has turned out to be no big deal at all! Good luck to you!
AND your being able to be vulnerable with him about your H gave him the ability to be vulnerable with you about his alcoholism... which may have saved his life :)
This post made me cry @serendipity515 I have known for some time that I was going to need to stop finding my worth in sex with others but I couldn't seem to break the habit. H is forcing my hand into that. Well that and my respect towards others if not myself. I suppose I could go forth not disclosing and continue seeking validation, but I cannot take the choice away from someone the way it was taken away from me. When I told my first disclosure, which was just a few nights ago, I told him that the point of giving someone a choice was to see if it would be worth the risk. I told him that had the person who infected me had given me the choice, that I would have been kind but I would have known that our relationship would go no further than that night and that I would have opted to not sleep with him.
I know that once I get that first disclosure where the partner is ok to go forward with an intimate relationship, that I will eventually be thankful for H in helping me weed out those who don't care for my emotional well-being, but until then, I suppose it will be a struggle. Thank you for sharing! It gives me hope!
I love this. Thank you for sharing, you seem like an amazing and beautiful person!
You all have given me hope. I've only been diagnosed since 8/5 of this year with H 1 & 2. I'm hoping the guy I'm now dating will accept me unconditionally when I tell him. What H has taught me is to wait and get to know people. I always knew I should wait and wanted to wait, but didn't want to disappoint, seem like a tease, or have them leave. I just didn't want to be alone. Once sex got involved, it was hard for me to let go even when I knew the guy was no good for me. There were times that I had condoms but because the guy didn't want to use them, we didn't. I could kick myself for that now. I also have a very healthy sex drive. I've told my current guy that I'm not ready (haven't disclosed the reason why) but he is cool with it and isn't pressuring me. I wish I'd known this would work a long time ago. Also, he is someone I probably wouldn't have dated before. I am now looking much deeper and into a person's character. @serendipity515 you are very fortunate because it took me a couple decades more than you to realize that I have more to offer than a sparkly vajayjay.
How long should the wait be after meeting someone? What has worked for all of you ladies?
@voodoochild227
I can completely relate to this post! Everything you said I am like "that sounds just like me!"
I found out I had HSV-2 in May this year so I am fairly new to it. I haven't disclosed to a potential partner yet just because I haven't really been dating (I am moving away and it's mainly for that reason - also because I wanted to take a bit of time before jumping in to anything again).
I think that ultimately it depends from person to person as to when is best to disclose. I would like to think that I'd wait until I was with someone who I thought could be something special, but I guess I won't know until I'm in the situation myself.
But it does sound like you have a great connection with this guy, so I guess just do it when it feels right...I have learned to always trust my gut instinct. It's rarely wrong.
@voodoochild227
You wait till YOU are ready. However long that is..
Steve Harvey and other "relationship experts" generally say to wait around 3 months ... I think a lot depends on how much you see each other because in 3 months you may only see each other 6 times if you don't live close... if you live close you may have seen each other 20 or more times ... so a lot will depend on that IMO ...
You wait till you are pretty certain that he's into YOU ... rather than wanting to GET INTO you ... (unless you want a casual relationship, but that's a different subject). You wait till you see how he acts in different situations like maybe a problem in a restaurant (how does he treat the waiter/etc), how he talks about his ex's (remember if you become an ex, he'll talk about you like that too), how he deals with problems (does he withdraw or does he face it and work through it).
If he walks before you are ready, he wasn't that into you. I just tell guys now that I've learned to slow things down ... that I want to get to know THEM (and I do that whether they know I have H or not) because while I love sex, I want to love and respect them FIRST... and a good man will respect you for that.
Steve Harvey says men put women into 2 groups ... those you f*ck and those you marry ... and if we have sex too soon, we usually get put in the first category. I have to say, as a woman, I put men in the same categories now ... those that push for sex really early on end up in the first category for me and I get turned off by them if they don't respect my need to go slow ... so it works both ways!
Thanks for the advice. It's so true. I've been in the first group many times. But there were times when the sex was terrible and I still held on because it was a warm body. I have tried to tell my new guy a few times and something always come up and when we get back to it I've lost the nerve. I've taken this as a sign. I've I initiated hypothetical talk, kind of skirting around the facts, and it seems like he would be accepting. I've asked him to get tested and he has, we are waiting on the results. I wanted both of us to know what we were getting into, which is more for his benefit not mine because I know what I'm bringing to the table. I think I'll be able to tell him within the next couple weeks. What do I do about kissing? I love, love, love deep tongue kissing and now I feel like I can't do it anymore. The same with oral, giving and receiving. I feel like I've lost so much. To my knowledge, I've never had an outbreak, so timing is kind of hard for me. I started taking Valtrex 2 days ago. My GYN said I didn't have to because I've never had an OB, but I decided to do so to protect my hopefully future partner.
Thanks again.
Most everyone has oral herpes. Just think of how many people meet on a drunken night out and make out at a bar or in the parking lot? Do you think any of us asks first if they have oral herpes or disclose about it? No.. Nobody does. People just kiss. I would stop fretting over the irak part, he likely has it as well, even if he's never had an OB. Even if he doesn't have it, he has missed a plenty who have had it.
I don't worry about disclosing HSV1 orally before kissing... 80% of the population has it and if someone hasn't got it by the time they are my age, odds are they have some kind of natural immunity ... 60% of young people have it by early adulthood so it's passed on more by doting mothers and aunties than by romatic kissing.
As far as oral sex, well, I'd personally disclose before that as it's possible to pass it on ... and odds are they don't know that fact and you are doing them a favor by disclosing (and thus educating them). And same for you receiving... odds are incredibly low that they would get it from you, but it *is* possible ... and odds are they don't know that there is a risk with ANYONE they have casual oral with ... so if anything, use that as an educational opportunity, and let them know that you are telling them because you RESPECT them.
Thanks guys, that takes a load off. I've been with this guy for a little over a month, we talked a little before we met face to face. I thought about not meeting him when I found out my diagnosis. I've only pecked him on the lips and was afraid to do that. He has tried to kiss me and I keep avoiding it.
@2legit2Quit-funny you mention that because now when I'm watching TV and see people kissing, the first thing that pops in my head is "I wonder if they have HSV1". Never crossed my mind before. I never thought to ask anyone before kissing, ever. Now it's all I think about.
I'm dating a guy right now. I have yet to tell him my status (which is odd as I am out on all my dating profiles except E Harmony as I just didn't get it done before he reached out to me... so I'm just rolling with it... and BTW, I have been asked out by several men who saw my disclosure on my other profiles ... and many more have written me to tell me that while they didn't feel a connection, they honored that I put that out there ;)
