Hi all, I have to say I'm very afraid writing this and about my life.
I got herpes from a man I fell in love with. I thought I could trust him, but really he was just using me for fun. I was gutted. I now have to see him every week and all I do is cry.
Anyway, the reason I am here. To be honest I get it, herpes is a little virus it really does not effect my life. I only know I have it because I'm super conscious about my body. I think if I wasn't me I would never have noticed the one tiny pimple. So ok it really doesn't affect my life. However, it's the stigma that kills me. I met a guy recently that I fell for straight away and I know he really liked me. So I had to tell him, I was brave and got it out without crying and like the small issue it is to me. Anyway, I'm heartbroken, he couldn't take the risk. I see a lot of people saying it's a wingman or if they really cared it wouldn't matter. But I'm struggling with that. This guy would probably have supported me through anything he's amazing. But an sti and the stigma no and I don't blame him. I would probably not have taken the risk either. I don't this he was not the right guy. I think we were perfect, but this has ruined it. If you don't have it, you can't begin to understand it's not a big deal.
My life is never going to be the same again in terms of finding someone. And it's so hard these days anyway. I feel a little suicidal today.
*hugs* Feelingblue... I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. my teenage daughter has GHSV1 (for about a year now) and it has been a struggle for the same reasons. Life changing actually. She has up and down days... But as the weeks/months go on, more ups. How long have you known? Hopefully you will have more up days as well.
It's easy to say "find strength in independence!" "Herpes is a wingman!" Etc...but the rejections are hard. Watching my daughter handle hers has been tough. All the advice is true, but who doesn't want to be loved and accepted?..
HOWEVER...while you are waiting for that perfect person that loves you for YOU..you DO need to find the strength in independence, And realize herpes IS a wingman. (My daughter has had all kinds of rejections... From the *polite* "I like you but..." To the ugly "gross, no f$&@?!g way I'm risking that" - and THANKFULLY, it's made her stronger and she doesn't give up hope and has actually laughed at her last rejection - you will get there too!)
Remember, even if you DIDNT have herpes, not ALL relationships are going to work for a million reasons. Not every person you meet is going to be the "one". Ok so the perfect guy that recently got away because he didn't want to take the risk is a bummer... But aren't there guys out there YOUVE met that you like enough, but thought there's a little something that makes you think "yeah but I don't want to date them.." Too short too tall too blond brown eyes when you like blue too macho bad sense of humor too quiet too loud.... ? Doesn't mean they are rejects of life, just not your cup of tea..
I hope you can move away from the suicidal thoughts. The world is a HUGE beautiful place, with billions of people walking around... Surely there is another perfect person out there.
In the meantime, it doesn't take a lot to look around you and find people with troubles far worse than fighting a stigma.
Recently, 3 local teenage girls were killed in a car accident. For the last year I have been crying over my daughters hsv and how "hard" it will be for her to find love.
Those three mothers will never see their daughters weddings or experience grandchildren... I bet they would give anything to have their daughters alive - even WITH herpes.
Please keep it in perspective.. Yes it's a rotten deal... But not the worst thing that can happen. Not by a long shot.
Don't give up on finding that guy -on finding love. Yeah, herpes makes things a little tougher, but won't it be awesome when you meet the person that truly loves YOU? How exciting! And totally worth the wait and totally worth the rejections and hurt you had to face along the way that made you strong and independent.
I'll send positive thoughts your way!.. *hugs*
Thank you, for your kind words. I know there are far worse things and that's what I keep telling myself and keeps me going. I've known for about 2 months. So I am still struggling. Has your daughter had any good reactions yet?
I just feel a bit like my freedom has been taken away and I want a family and I'm getting a bit older. I think I do have to become more independent.
I hope I will meet someone. The disclosure was hard, because he was so nice about it. I almost wish it was harsher so I could think he was an idiot.
I also find it so hard having to look the guy who did this to me in the face every week.
I hope time will heal me and realise I'll be ok on my own. I can't tell my family, they would kill me, I've only told my best friend, who was very supportive, but just tells me someone would be mad to reject me because of that because I'm so lovely. But I don't think that's correct, I think most people would reject it.
Thank you so much
Since you've only known for a short period hun, you have not completely come to acceptance yet. When you get to that point, the rejections aren't as hurtful. You have to remind yourself that when someone rejects you, they're not rejecting you as a person, they're rejecting their fear surrounding Herpes. How long had you been dating him since you told him?
About a month. But I wanted to get it out the way quickly because I expected rejection and I didn't want to wait until it would hurt even more. And it was getting a little physical I owed it to him. I know he wasn't rejecting me. But it makes me feel worse because it shows me that people could love me, but h is stopping it.
In all honesty, I really personally do feel that someone isn't as invested in us or into us as we'd like to think, if they don't accept us w is, even if it was really hard to do so. It honest to god my opinion, from experience. So it really is a blessing.
@Feelingblue
Well, look at what I highlighted friend. I'm going to guess that several things played into his "rejection".
1) Your attitude. If you come to the table expecting to be rejected, you just upped the odds that you will be right. Think about this. If you go for a job interview expecting to not get hired, what do you think the result will be? Right now you are new to this... so it's hard to be confident with it. But over time, you can get better educated yourself and you will start to understand that disclosure is just a chance to open yourself up to the other, and be vulnerable, and see what can be created from that. I'm a 35 yr veteran friend... so I'm talking from experience here. ;)
2) His ignorance. Part of disclosure is education. I've had guys try to tell me all kinds of shit that they believe to be "true" that I have to educate them about. I had one guy tell me that he can "tell" (by looking at the vajayjay) if a woman has an STD.... it took a LOT of conversation to get him to even start to consider that I might know what I was talking about. SMDH.....
3) How he REALLY felt about you. He may have already been on the fence about the relationship... but one thing I've learned, men will often keep going till you have sex to figure out if they want to continue or not....even when they don't see a "future" with you. I'm including a link below to help you really *get* this.
But first... how were you diagnosed and which HSV do you have - 1 or 2? I'm guessing that you need some "education" yourself before you jump into another disclosure... because that makes a BIG difference in how it comes across :)
For now, I want you to read all the Success Stories on here that you can. You need to see that we have plenty of discordant couples on here ... and most started out where you are - scared, convinced no one will love them now, self-deprecating, etc. It's "normal" to go through this phase.... so be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to get educated and understand what you are dealing with.
And read these links.... because you need to understand that H really IS a great Wingman ... promise :)
(((HUGS)))
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[link inactive] Wingman example
[link inactive] (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )
[link inactive] 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)
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Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial@Feelingblue
Well, look at what I highlighted friend. I'm going to guess that several things played into his "rejection".
1) Your attitude. If you come to the table expecting to be rejected, you just upped the odds that you will be right. Think about this. If you go for a job interview expecting to not get hired, what do you think the result will be? Right now you are new to this... so it's hard to be confident with it. But over time, you can get better educated yourself and you will start to understand that disclosure is just a chance to open yourself up to the other, and be vulnerable, and see what can be created from that. I'm a 35 yr veteran friend... so I'm talking from experience here. ;)
2) His ignorance. Part of disclosure is education. I've had guys try to tell me all kinds of shit that they believe to be "true" that I have to educate them about. I had one guy tell me that he can "tell" (by looking at the vajayjay) if a woman has an STD.... it took a LOT of conversation to get him to even start to consider that I might know what I was talking about. SMDH.....
3) How he REALLY felt about you. He may have already been on the fence about the relationship... but one thing I've learned, men will often keep going till you have sex to figure out if they want to continue or not....even when they don't see a "future" with you. I'm including a link below to help you really *get* this.
But first... how were you diagnosed and which HSV do you have - 1 or 2? I'm guessing that you need some "education" yourself before you jump into another disclosure... because that makes a BIG difference in how it comes across :)
For now, I want you to read all the Success Stories on here that you can. You need to see that we have plenty of discordant couples on here ... and most started out where you are - scared, convinced no one will love them now, self-deprecating, etc. It's "normal" to go through this phase.... so be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to get educated and understand what you are dealing with.
And read these links.... because you need to understand that H really IS a great Wingman ... promise :)
(((HUGS)))
[link inactive]
[link inactive] Wingman example
[link inactive] (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )
[link inactive] 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)
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Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial@wcdancer. Your comment regarding needing to be educated. Some of these men. (I say men because of my experience only being w men) really believe their education is right and we are the misinformed ones. What they always heard is set in stone and can not be changed. What happened to me. Guess it just means they are pig-headed. As a wise lady told me (meaning you) rather be right than happy. Since you have told me this, I said it to a few men and they didnt understand what that meant. Lol. Guess they have to be right to be happy then? Lol
I've never been rejected and it's NOT easy....I was officially diagnosed in April....and I'm still very much struggling....I don't think I've had another outbreak since that one, but the emotional stigma is one that I have "hid" in the closet about it, still not saying the h word but describing it...
They say time heals, eventually I will be able to be open about it, and accepted by those who love me truly....and I know they are right...I eventually came open about HPV....this disease is taking much more time for me to absorb and come to terms with.
You are not alone!
Hugs!!!!
Well I've only disclosed to two guy's, so I'm sure my time will come when I get rejected. It's easier to be alone, because of the place I am in w my life and that needs to be the main focus, not men. Plus, unlike it seems most everyone else, I've always been comfortable being alone. I think the way I was raised has anlot to do w it. On top of that, I have massive trust issues w men and until I deal w me, I dint need to seal w another human being.
Oh I dated immediately after H diagnosis, but j wasn't ready before it and I don't withholdwithhold from dating becausebecause of H at all. My friend kept pushing so I gave it a shot. I got much bigger fish to fry in my life, than H and that's coming from someone that has obs almost daily. Even the guy I recently disclosed too, I told how I have constant symptoms and I feel that the low risk doesn't apply to me. He didn't care and said I was making a bigger deal out of it. He said it's a mnor virus. After we spoke, he tagged me in this video and said this is me and I'd imagine you as well. Over thinking is our biggest enemy. Projecting our fears and insecurities of what if's into the future is a waste of time . he said this is me, in regards to how I was when I disclosed my HSV. LolLol
Watch "What Over Thinking Looks Like - Vine" on YouTube
Haha! I used hsv as a relationship filter and it worked! He still wanted to get to know me but wanted to move too fast (online dating site). It was the day I found out that I had it so I was super suspicious and numb and just wanted to be left alone. When he got up in arms about revealing his own test results. No go. Too bad he was also a control freak. Lol!! See, works both ways. You still have to be mindful of you and your boundaries at the end of the day.
Actually, I did expect rejection. But I did have some hope. I also read a lot about the delivery. So I took a deep breath and I think I delivered it really well. I was proud of myself. I educated him in the risk and everything. But it was still a no. I don't know how some people have never been rejected.
Don't know... Luck if the draw. I've only disclosed twice and haven't been rejected, but I'm sure my time will come. Hang in there.
Thank you! I'm trying. I think I'm going to focus on myself for a while. Some people seem happy alone, I want to be in that place x
It takes awhile, but I'm happy alone. It's easier
But you've never been rejected? Why is it easier?
I think that you need a little primer in "rejection" and "disclosure" .... there are soooo many things we could get "rejected" for ... Herpes is just a drop in the bucket ...LOL
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[link inactive] Rejection as your teacher…..
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Thanks bambina3 when you say you've never been rejected, how many people have accepted it and still wanted to be with you?
O know that's what you want to do, but it's out if insecurity and hoping you'll get a response. If you're gonna do it, you need to be the one taking charge and not showing him like you're waiting. If you're going to message him, you need to make the decision to end it w him because you deserve better, not just in hopes that he'll respond w action, but rather you don't care what the end result is. Just state that you respect his decision and some it may be a deal breaker for and I don't take that personally. W that said, it was great meeting you and I wish you all the luck.
Don't send him more msgs after that and trying to convince him to be w you.
Thank you. I wasn't sure if you meant it was easier to be alone because of h. I see that really it doesn't have much to do with it and is other reasons. That helps. I was starting to panic h made it too difficult. And you're right I think we all need to focus on ourselves and I'm happy you seem to be doing that so well :). Massive hugs to you. Xx
I think that you're afraid of his answer and is why you're going back and forth on the issue. Being in limbo and not knowing where his head is at and lack of contact feels more comfortable for you, than possibly getting a definitive answer, if it's a deal breaker or not. People usually talk about these things further after they've thought about it, if they didn't say it was a deal breaker and moved on. You're going to have to talk about it again, so you can't avoid the inevitable... Or you coukd just stay in limbo and wait on me. Up to you.
Hehe that made laugh. Do you take suppressive meds?
Good, I'm glad. I do take them and it doesn't stop it. I have autoimmune diseases, so my body doesn't control the virus well.
Oh wow, you are an amazing person and I hope I can be as strong as you x
Aww thanks... Trust me, I'm not that strong. Not as strong as I thought I was 5yrs ago. You are and are more stronger than I, you just need to celebrate it and stop thinking you're not enough..
Here's my 2.5 cents worth:
I've learned one huge thing in my 54 years: You teach people how to treat you. So right now you are teaching him that it's ok to blow hot and cold. If he was THAT into you, you wouldn't be able to keep him away. Sure, he might have crawled into his cave for a day or two, but he would have been back with bells on as soon as he got over the initial freak out.
At this point, from what you have said, I'm guessing he's likely "into you" but not enough to make a lot of effort. I recently dated a guy who played hot and cold. He had a big project so I gave him a lot of space, but noted that he hardly contacted me during that time. When he finished the project, he said he wanted to get together and made it clear he was looking forward to having sex (we had just gone exclusive before this 6 week project). I said I needed to talk first. He takes me to dinner, we go back to his place and I ask him what's going on, and he says he realized about 3 weeks previous that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Uh - REALLY? So why didn't I get the memo? We talked a bit longer and I left. He didn't even offer to help me with my bag to the car. Never heard from him since. If I didn't ask him what was going on, he would have happily had sex with me till I figure it out. So I suggest that you ask to talk, and just ask him about where he is at. It's been long enough and you DESERVE better treatment than this at this point. If you let him act like this now, and it goes anywhere, this is how he will act in future. Sure, he may walk if he feels "pressured" but IMO that's just an easy way to say "I'm really just not that into you".....
(((HUGS))) friend. You got this.
LOL - I love it that someone who doesn't have H (or at least doesn't know it!) would think they know more than the people with the virus.... AND ... that behavior/reaction is your H Wingman at works, showing you that this person WOULD rather be "Right" than be "Happy" ... and I can't imagine being with someone who wouldn't be willing to open their mind and admit that *maaaayyybeee* they were misinformed... :)
I think that you need a little primer in "rejection" and "disclosure" .... there are soooo many things we could get "rejected" for ... Herpes is just a drop in the bucket ...LOL
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[link inactive] Rejection as your teacher…..
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So I wanted to provide a little update. I heard from the guy, in fact he came to see me. In fact he acted entirely normal and my disclosure wasn't mentioned at all. So I thought maybe he was ok with it. But since then, he hasn't replied to my messages in fact I haven't heard from him at all. I'm hurt. I want closure. I want to message him saying sorry it didn't work out and good luck, just to finish it.
Hello, thank you all. The problem I'm having is I don't know if he's being off or if it's in my head because I'm so worried. I have had to message him first the last couple of weeks to get a reply. And he seems to take a long time to reply. But he does always reply and generally the messages are quite sweet. But maybe you are right, he might just not be that into me because I am messaging first. I think I'm just going to leave him to it. So he can reach out to me if he wants to. Maybe I'm not ready to date again yet X
I'd say that's a good approach... if you always have to message first, it's not a good sign... take it from someone who has been there, done that, and finally decided she has too many of those T-shirts. And don't let it stop you from dating..... there are soooo many things that could have caused you to end up here... early dating is just plain HARD ... there are sooo many potential "deal breakers"... Herpes is just one of tons of reasons that someone might suddenly put the brakes on... :)
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I'm a bit concerned to message him at all, because it will be ending it. But the waiting it out is killing me. The fact he never mentioned it at all when we met up, people are telling me he's obviously fine and to leave it at that and carry on. But I'm scared he doesn't fully understand or is being off :(
Well see? You just wanted to msg him to get a response, not to really end it. Just explain you are not comfortable waiting around in limbo and you understand he needed time to process this, but you have to keep your own sanity in check and that you need to understand where he stands. Explain that you Understand this may be a deal breaker, isn't about you and you won't take it personally.
Yeah, but my friends are saying because he didn't mention it and acted entirely normal when he saw me that he has obviously thought about it and it isn't an issue. I don't know if it's my head wanting to tell him again you do realise there's a risk right? I'm not sure I can accept he's ok with it, if he is. It might all just be in my head. It's frustrating.
Bit you're saying that he's being distant again, that's not the same as him just not bringing it up last time you saw him.
I am assuming he's being distant by messages ect. But then he could just be busy or the initial excitement has died down. I did tell him, and last time I saw him he was still pushing to be physical and he'd had more than a week to think about it. So maybe it is in my head. It's done funny things to me. You're really helping me. I appreciate it. I guess I will have to bring it up again at some point. But maybe I should just let it play out a while.
After all, I have told him, I told him the risk. So if he chooses to act like its nothing and Continues on without wanting to discuss it further what can I do? I did the bravest hardest thing. I would feel insainly guilty, but I know I've told him.
You don't have to talk about it further, but your recent concern was after seeing him finally and him not saying anything about it, that he went distant again. That's what you worried about Right?
Let it play put and try not to fret over I. How long has it been since you last saw him and how frequently does he msg you on his own?
@feelingblue this article is great and you really need it. Don't wait around on anyone who doesn't seem all about you.
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