First Day and Trying to Stay Upbeat

I'm a 30 year old man who tested positive for HSV 1 and had my first outbreak genitally recently.

I first had symptoms of a UTI, painful urination minutes after the last time my girlfriend and I had sex. I told her about it right away.

2 days later, the painful urination continued and blisters appeared on one side of the shaft of my penis. I flipped out for a few minutes, call ed my girlfriend to inform her and told her to get a test done for herself, then I left work to get tested. 4 days later, the results of the culture were positive.

Today is the first day waking up knowing the bad news. I decided to keep being the great person I am, and not to trouble myself with how I contracted HSV. I'm fortunate that my girlfriend took everything about as well as anyone can, and that she is supportive.

To be perfectly honest, before the test results came back, I considered suicide. Instead of dwelling on the idea, I called my Dad and told him I probably had HSV and needed him to talk to me about anything unrelated, like work. He was great about it and spent time discussing the particulars of our jobs. I felt so much better that I decided to catch up with my brother and my Mom, too. I told each of them, and let them know I don't want HSV to be the main point of discussion. By the time my test results came back, I wasn't in shambles about it. I called the 2 other people I had sex with in the past year or so and left voicemails telling them to get tested. Trust me, leaving those messages was easy once the voicemail beeped, and it made me feel better. Also, saying the words out loud (even for the first time) will not conjure up any bad karma, or break some innocent part of you. Yes, the thought crossed my mind that I never wanted to say the words out loud. If anything, it helped me get my self pity out of the way faster.

Since then, I have had several conversations with my girlfriend about it, and we had a good date tonight. I feel shame and guilt for having HSV, despite never having cheated or slept around, ever. But I won't let it break me, and I won't let it ruin my ability to enjoy good things I have. If anything, I am yet more grateful for the positive things in life.

While I'm still not sure if my girlfriend will want to stick around, 100% honesty has allowed her to keep her freedom to choose, and I think she appreciates that. I have told her I will understand if she gets mad about it, even mad at me, and wants to vent, or more likely, that she feels like I'm not worth the risk (however slight the statistics make it seem). So far, she has been nothing but caring and supportive. I am lucky as hell.

I have a great career and am wrapping up some college classes next month to finish an associate's degree.

HSV doesn't get to decide who I am.

Please consider this:

Always 100% disclose immediately, well before any contact with effected areas, regardless of outbreak status. I won't take away anyone's freedom to decide for themself, no matter the rationale. Someone took my choice away from me and it sucks, I won't be that person. There is no excuse, it's a matter of moral right and wrong. Consent matters, do not remove someone's ability to provide consent. This isn't just a skin condition, it makes people feel bad when they find out they contracted it, and it throws a hell of a curveball into their identity for a while. Please be a decent person and offer those who like you enough to be close with you the ability to choose.

HSV doesn't make anyone a bad person. Diseases don't make demons. Taking away another person's right to consent makes demons.

Thanks to those who read all of this TLDR content. Like everyone, it helps to write the story down where someone else might read it.

What I'm not sure on:

Is it possible that I also have HSV 1 orally and am asymptomatic, despite a pretty clear genital HSV 1 outbreak?

Or would one outbreak tend to aggravate the other?

For those who want to know what a knowledgeable doctor puts an otherwise healthy 30 year old male on as a treatment plan:

What I'm doing now:

Valacyclovir 1000mg x2 daily for 10 days. Then, 500mg x2 daily for 10. Then 500 x1 forever.

Turns out I get high blood pressure from meds if I take it without food, so snacks are cool.

Washing my hands like a surgeon every time I touch my junk to take a piss.

Hand sanitizer, before and after meals, restroom, etc...

Breaking the habit of touching my face at all, ever. Don't need an eye infection too.

Pause on the gym until this outbreak clears fully.

Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex. Not crazy high doses, just a multivitamin type thing.

If you are recently diagnosed, see a primary care physician answer their questions and be honest with them. Then, listen to what they tell you, have them repeat themself if you need, or write stuff down.

If you don't have insurance and are concerned about cost, find a doctor who will work with you. They aren't crooks, most doctors care and want to do good.

What I'm going to do:

Focus on goals and dreams I have always had.

Show appreciation for the people I have told and their support.

If my girlfriend leaves me: I won't get mad, she has the basic human right to decide. 100% disclosure immediately, well before contact with affected areas can happen. Yeah, that means lots of loneliness, rejection, and probably some sadness.

If contemplation of suicide returns, or depression bears down: group therapy, counseling.

Second day update:

The anti viral (valacyclovir) is working really well.

Having a meal with the dose helps a lot to keep my blood pressure in a normal range.

If you're curious about numbers:

Normal = 110 to 120 over 60 or 70ish

Dose without food = 157 over 90ish for about 45 min

Dose with food = high 120s over 70ish

That is a big difference, I highly recommend having a meal before you take meds.

Things are still going well with my girlfriend! Woo!

She has not been able to get tested yet, but hasn't shown symptoms.

Day 3 update:

I had been planning to tell my girlfriend I love her for probably 2 or 3 weeks now.

Unfortunately, I had trouble finding a good time to do it. Then I found out I was having some strange symptoms and put the idea on pause. When I tested H+, I knew I couldn't tell her I loved her while also disclosing right away because it would seem like a desparate attempt to convince her to stay with me.

So, I had to wait on it yet longer. Going through the emotions and being strong and supportive for her, just like she was doing for me.

Finally, it felt like she had gotten enough time to think about it clearly, and decided to stick with me herself. I thanked her for being so good to me and for helping me deal. Then I finally got to tell her I love her!

She knew I meant it, and knew it wasn't a ploy to convince her not to leave me.

She knew because I had been so honest from the day we started talking, through noticing there might be a problem for me, when I was sure I had a problem, and when I was diagnosed.

Honesty, yo.

Honesty counts above all else.

I got to tell my girlfriend I love her because I never hid anything from her. Especially when it might be a deal breaker for her, I told her everything right away.

While it never crossed my mind to hide the problem when I was realizing what was wrong, I do realize I could have probably tried to hide it. And we talked about that fact.

If I had tried to hide it, she would have known something was off. She would have asked, and it would have been devastating for her to find out that way. Or worse, that we had continued to have sex, or I had avoided it with clever excuses.

If that had been the case, she definitely would have left me. She would have been heartbroken, and I would have never gotten to tell her I loved her in a way that she knew it was true.

Honesty. Immediate, unfiltered honesty gave me the chance to tell her. And it gave me the chance to hear her say it, too.

If you need a reason to disclose, there you go.

You can be honest and happy, or sneaky and sad.

Day 4 update:

My girlfriend seems to be in as normal a state as I am by now. I'm really grateful for that!

I recently learned it is common to feel a super strong attachment to the first person who accepts you, knowing you are H+.

I will have to take a step back and make sure I am not putting her on a pedestal. That could ruin an otherwise happy relationship.

Work and school are still hard to keep organized, with too much of my "mental workbemch" taken up by being concerned about herpes.

I probably should have taken a few sick days so I could keep up with school, but I am also preparing to go on a business trip soon. I didn't want to make sacrifices of professional success on behalf of a stupid, shitty disease.

I am responding to antiviral very well and my out break has been relatively tolerable, so another thing to be grateful for.

Now that I am mostly healed and my immune system is getting the help of meds and a modest amount of vitamins, my "lizard brain" (the part that freaked the hell out when I realized I had herpes) should calm the F down already.

I'm going to be proud when my mid term projects get graded highly and my business trip is a success, all while handling some bad news.

My attitude of

::Come on body, be tougher::

From exercise has really helped me deal with my first herpes out break.

I won't cling to false hopes that this is the last I've heard from herpes.

I will cope. I will be RegularGuy. I will achieve what RegularGuy before H+ wanted to achieve.

Annual Raise cap is still in my sights.

Associate's degree is still within reach.

Girlfriend is still on board for staying serious.

It's not a bad hand to be delt at all. Grateful.

Day 5 update:

Today is a good day! Most have been, despite finding out I was definitely H+ less than a week ago.

Things are coming together for my business trip. My two mid term projects for college are turned in early.

Finding out I have herpes truely has not stopped me from being myself!

It's a problem. It's painful. It's depressing.

But it hasn't stopped me from doing what I planned to and accomplishing goals.

My girlfriend is still there, and still supportive.

She finally got herself tested today.

If her blood test is negative, great!

If it's positive, at least I know I didn't transmit it to her (because I tested negative 4 days ago).

That will be a conversation, but not an accusatory one. No matter what.

Shit happens.

I should clarify,

I tested negative in the blood test for titre, which would mean I've probably just contracted the virus very recently.

I am in fact H+ according to the culture test, which is very accurate.

Day 6 update:

Alright, I have to admit to myself that this diagnosis could be a challenge in the future.

I'm still on track with work, school, and the relationship.

But before I was diagnosed, stress was my breakfast.

Stress made me an unstoppable machine in the gym, on projects, with hobbies.

I would wake up, remember all of the tasks I need to accomplish, remind myself that I'm awesome, then start making phone calls, purchasing gear, selling used items I didn't need, helping family and friends knock out there errands.

I have always been a "not enough hours in the day" guy.

At the end of the day, I'd generally be exhausted and drop into bed like a ton of bricks.

But stress can cause health problems for a healthy person, let alone someone who is H+.

I feel like I have lost an important part of my being.

I fear that some day, probably soon, probably on this trip for work, that I will not be able to use stress to achieve. I'll face failure because I can't push myself in all ways like I could without triggering an outbreak.

The day that happens, I will be more sad than I have in a long time.

Aggressive, uncompromising, tenacious RegularGuy might just be in my past.

I fear stagnation. I fear lack of achievement. I fear failure in the tasks I choose to take on.

Will "Zen" RegularGuy stack up when the cards are on the table during this trip for work?

I fear not.

Do I risk pushing myself to extremes of lack of sleep, overwork, indomitable spirit, and insatiable hunger for achievement?

Or do I let fear of an outbreak prevent me from feeling like I had laid down my best efforts?

Valacyclovir, do your magic.

Stress mode RegularGuy is going to need your help.

I just wanted to jump in and say that IgG tests miss up to 30% up existing HSV1 infections, so while you *probably* recently contracted it, there's a chance that you're one of the people int hat 30%. Ella Dawson, whom is internet famous for being open about having genital HSV1, is in that 30%. I heard her on a podcast speaking about how one doctor tried to insist she didn't have it because her level was not conclusive and she was like no bro, I really do.. You certainly can't deny a positive culture which she had when diagnosed.

Also in reply to your most recent post, everyone's body reacts differently so you never know until you try! What triggers OBs for some, doesn't for others. And since genital HSV1 *tends* to recur less often, these things may not trigger you at all. Especially being on Valtrex

@ash2018

Thanks for the information!

I will have to look up Ella Dawson.

However, considering how definitely obviously I had a first outbreak. I am certain that I contracted herpes very recently. My titre count from my own blood test being low is most likely because it had only been a couple of days since I had contracted, and it will probably increase (however there is no need to blood test again aside from clinical curiosity).

I'm actually more conflicted and more angry than I was when I first noticed the symptoms, or when I was diagnosed.

I will move forward like I always have.

Just angry for now.

What you've been feeling today, @RegularGuy, is very normal and expected. I know I cycled back and forth through all of the stages of grief for quite a while. I once saw a graph about grief and instead of showing a straight line trending upward (toward healing), it was zig-zagged.....some days good, some days bad, but when looked at comprehensively, the trend was going up. For some reason I always found that really comorting.

Soon after my diagnosis, I remember reading how coffee and nuts triggered outbreaks in some people and I started to panic...."WHAT? NO COFFEE????" Happily, I have continued my daily coffee consumption with no adverse effects. Everyone's triggers are different, they may very well change over time--especially once your body gets used to the virus and/or the antivirals have had a chance to work their magic, and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that the go-getter version of RegularGuy is still very much in the game. Perhaps on the sidelines for a short break, but by no means kicked to the curb.

I've really enjoyed reading your posts and am impressed with how well you're able to articulate your experience and recognize the smallest shifts in thoughts and perspectives. Let yourself be angry, my friend. This is just a speed bump for you. {{hugs}}

@HikingGirl

Thank you so much for that!

It was so well said, and extremely helpful!

I know I have said I'm not here to be a burden and I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on. But damn, what you wrote is a big deal to me!

I didn't update today because I'm still feeling the same, though my anger has cooled a lot.

I still feel conflicting emotions and they are very strong, but I am not breaking at the seams.

Next time I update, I will have more to bring to the table than just self-loathing and hatred. That's not who I am, that's not the choices I make.

To those who have or will read this thread looking for something to gain. Gain that you are not going to fall apart because of herpes. While things are different now, and you feel different than you did, you will never stop being who you are (unless you choose to, good or bad).

I totally understand the wave of emotions. I had my first outbreak at the beginning of June however my IgG was also a definite positive so who knows how long I've been carrying the virus. I've been with my fiance for over two years now so it was quite the shock to say the least. I highly recommend looking up Ella, she's awesome. In the first month or two I watched her videos pretty much daily to lift my spirits

Day 7 Update:

I skipped a day because I was in a very negative place mentally and emotionally.

A couple of speed bumps with work and not feeling too great about myself got me in a dark mood. I usually take my mind off stressful things by watching a good horror movie or two, so I did just that last night. It helped me get some sleep, but I was still down.

I decided to get up really early today and get some extra work accomplished. Once I knocked out a couple of tasks, I felt better.

My coworkers have noticed something isn't clicking for me like it used to. It's comforting that they are dialing back the pressure for me by picking up some slack, but it certainly can't stay this way.

I know they view it as doing it for the good of the team, but I can't become a burden. Not that there is any realiatic reason to worry about it, but I want to keep my social status as a driving force, rather than an ass in a chair.

Turns out this trip is perfectly timed. Thank Fing God!

I'm healed up, I have my daily meds ready, and I feel ready for a change in scenery.

Remember that you can be down about your bad luck. You can hate your situation. You can feel bad about yourself. But you can still strive for all of your goals, and in the process, regain the sense of identity finding out you are H+ takes away.

Not everyone will experience it the same way I am. You may need more time to gather yourself up, or heal, or feel like you can pick up all of the burdens you used to carry.

But it's not the end of your success and achievement.

Yesterday should have been day 8.

Day 9 update:

I didn't want to post about negativity and sadness.

Don't read on unless you are prepared to get a little depressed.

Woke up today to a text from my girlfriend asking me to call her. She wanted to talk about H stuff.

It got me in a pretty miserable mood, and I was feeling really down.

Not her fault, but it was hard to get myself motivated to take on the day.

Thankfully, my brother happened to need a hand with getting some of his errands knocked out, so I offered to help. That made me feel a lot better about things.

I think about herpes a lot. Every time I talk to my girlfriend. Every time I see someone I am attracted to. Before I fall asleep. Every time I use the bathroom or the shower.

I'm afraid to shave my pubic hair, which used to be part of normal daily hygiene. I'm afraid I might be shedding the virus on my razor and spread the infection. So I haven't shaved in weeks.

It's infuriating, depressing, miserable.

I took a shower before heading into work like I always do.

I looked at my razor and thought, "nope. Thats risky"

I washed my hands after washing my junk and literally broke down.

I'm terrified.

I'm ashamed.

I am afraid of touching my dick and spreading the virus accidentally, even just to wash myself in the shower.

I run through the math constantly:

HSV 1 sheds for about a total of 2 weeks through a year.

If I shave every day until (assuming I live to be 60), I will statistically spread the virus 60 weeks, or 420 times possibly while shaving.

In a relationship, I had no reason not to have sex every day. Now I'm terrified by that desire.

420 random lots to spread the virus over 30 years

The math, and knowing that I know what it means is reassuring that at least I am aware.

But the chances of it actually happening if I don't heed the warning the math provides results in 100% chance of making things worse.

That's why I break down.

I am afraid of touching myself, when I used to be proud of my body. I had hammered myself into shape that I loved.

I am miserable now.

It IS just a skin condition.

The problem isn't herpes, which 9/10 on the planet have. The problem isn't you. The problem is stigma. That's what's causing you to flip out. You will likely find that after the first outbreak, you will be fine. That's how it comes for the vast majority of people.

Go look up Adam ruins herpes on YouTube. Show it to your girlfriend.

You might not be able to get this message because you are so worked up right now, but I guarantee you will come to understand what I'm saying in the future is reality. Intimacy is not dead for you. Go look at my ladies' man herpes disclosure success thread. Since I got diagnosed with herpes, I've had sex with over sixty girls . All disclosures.

Your girlfriend will have to relax too if she's freaking out and look at the facts about his condition, not the stigma. If she can't hang, that's a drag, but there are many other more level headed girls out there that won't let some minor thing like herpes bust up a meaningful relationship.

That's it. You aren't going to let this skin condition stop you. You are going to be fine so chill out.

@hippyherpy

I know you're right, and I'll get over it.

Just a bad morning is all.

I'm not trying to make anyone else feel things, or have pity.

Just putting the words somewhere I know people can see them as therapy.

Day 11 update:

Seems like day 10 got lost in the aether.

This was a good weekend.

I budgeted and convinced myself to spend a little extra this week on some dank travel gear for my upcoming buisness trip. I rarely give myself permission to spend money outside bills, gas, and food. Having a list of very specific items with very specific features gave me a something entertaining to hunt for throughout the weekend.

Funny how something like searching every store for something like a small power strip with surge protection and a power filter built in can override feelings of shame, self-loathing and hatred.

Keeping myself engaged and hunting for results has been a major contributor to feeling like myself.

Also,

So far between work and hobbies, it seems like I can continue to use stress as fuel. I'm not sure if valacyclovir is doing all the work in this department, but I intend to stay on the medication until side effects become an issue.

Bro all this stuff is in your mind. Herpes ain't shit. Really. Look at the stats. Billions of people have it. BILLIONS.

You get rare cases of people having bad outbreaks and trouble with it but that's tiny minority.

The more you make a big deal out of it, the more you are doing yourself a disservice. No need for that.

You're going to come out of your confused period much stronger than you might imagine.

Day 12 update:

My mind shifts back and forth pretty frequently.

I am able to feel how I used to feel about myself occasionally, which feels good.

I don't know if it's apparent, and that I'm being redundant, but:

Precision is important to me. Excellence is important to me.

I dwell on all of my many errors long enough that I am probably guilty of being hard on myself to the point that it's weird and not really an advantage.

Coding (in the computer programming sense of the word) is all about it. Troubleshooting is all about it. Computers are all about it.

Precision and excellence.

When a machine or a computer is not precise and excellent, we notice immediately.

When your work computer runs into a snag, it makes you impatient and probably angry if it happens regularly.

When an app on your phone crashes, you feel betrayed.

You expect everything to work as advertised, and when the lines of code don't break down into logical instructions properly, you feel let down.

I expect the same from myself. I feel the same about myself.

That only part of the whole deal, but that's something that took me a while to feel for long enough that I was able to put it into words.

Herpes is now a permanent problem, and I feel imperfect.

Obviously, I was very much imperfect before, but it was always in ways I could change. I could go to the gym, eat better, study harder, commit more time to work, help others, break my bad habits, become more social, become more friendly, be more honest, be more open, try harder, learn from mistakes.

I never stopped. Every inch of improvement added onto the last and I always had much further to go.

Herpes can't stop all of that, but

It will always be the source of imperfection I can't fundamentally change through will power and effort.

What a new problem to have.

I think about how so many people clearly find reassurance that they could change or maybe one day will change something they don't like about themself.

I think about how the things I have changed about myself have made me feel like I was becoming the person I want to be.

I think my reassurance, personally, is that I was never so naive that I actually thought I'd be complete. That I will always be working to change things about myself.

So, herpes will always be a thing I don't like about myself. There will always be other things I don't like about myself that I'm working on, or planning to work on next (when I get the hang of keeping what came before it in check). While, unlike my nervous habit of picking at my fingernails, or my inability to be friendly and open with people, I will never change that I have herpes. But that will just be one more thing that isn't excellent.

Today's update is extremely personal in that I don't expect anyone else to identify with most of it.

I hope that isn't off putting, but I can guarantee this isn't the first time I have been that.

I have been the changes I have made in myself. Intentionally.

Herpes is a change I didn't choose.

But I said it a few days ago, and didn't think about it until writing this post:

"Change isn't synonymous with loss."

@hippyherpy

I think you're right dude.

I appreciate the perspective that you are able to offer, it makes perfect sense.

I don't want anyone to think that what I'm writing down is advice, or normal, or wise.

Having a place to write my thoughts down where they will probably be read is just a kind of therapy. Unfortunately it isn't good enough for me to write this stuff where I know that no one will read it.

I hope it isn't poisonous in some way.

I hope that at worst it's a bunch of useless garbage, or at best it's occasionally useful.

I'm not trying to encourage anyone to think the same way I do. I'm not trying to justify anything.

I can totally identify with what you're saying. It's tough to accept that no amount of diet, exercise, education or sheer willpower will ever make herpes go away. I don't think I ever really knew how how that elusive chase after the ideal (aka perfection) ran my life until I got diagnosed. It's a part of me I think I'll be processing and coming to terms with for years to come! In recent years, especially since my divorce, I've had a similar/parallel issue come up with aging. It's easier (for me) to forget about being in your 40's when you're in a relationship. Suddenly, once I was single, I saw the impossible expectations for appearances everywhere. But I can't turn back the clock either. It's a tough pill to swallow some days! Pretty much the only thing that has brought me some comfort has been reading Buddhist philosophies on attachment on suffering.

You get colds right?

"Getting colds" never goes away. Do you get hung up about that? Do

You sit around dreading your next cold? Do you let the idea of getting a cold get you down?

No.

And colds are often much worse than herpes and happen more frequently than any outbreaks. Most people get ZERO herpes outbreaks and the majority of people who do only get one initial one and maybe another.

Everyone gets colds and almost everybody has herpes.

Relax.

@HikingGirl

Remind yourself that most men are attracted to most women. I know the pressure is there, but much of it is directly related to growing up in a world that surrounds you with unobtainable standards for beauty. CGI and airbrushing and millions of dollars in camera equipment and surgery have made it that way.

And all it really counts for is that it makes breaking the ice harder.

But I get your point, that running into something you can exercise or diet or habit into the ideal is just a fact of life. So damn true.

I will have to look into the philosophies you mentioned.

@hippyherpy

Dead on with the idea of not fearing a cold. Which is way more communicable than herpes.

Day 13 update:

It was much easier to be at work today.

I am glad I didn't take any time off. I wasn't sure if I was demanding too much from myself, but herpes literally never stopped me from being physically able to do my job, or my school work, or any of my hobbies.

It would have been totally reasonable to take some time off to get my head in order, but I don't think that would have helped me personally. In fact, continuing to go to work has helped a lot more than I thought it would.

The best part is that everything is still a solid green light for my upcoming trip for work, and I take a lot of pride in that. I will be proud when I can tell those who know I have herpes that it never stopped me from succeeding in the goals I set for myself.

So, today was a really good day.

Being reminded I have herpes when I use the bathroom didn't hurt. Being careful to wash my hands after washing my junk in the shower is starting to feel routine.

I'm still not confident about shaving my pubic hair yet, which bugs me, but it feels more like a minor annoyance. I will shave that jungle, but not quite yet. I'm still nervous about shedding on my razor and spreading the virus.

Any word from those who have had herpes for several years or longer?

Do you shave your pubic hair?

Do you fear spreading the virus that way?

Obviously, if I do shave, it would be affected area last, which will be backwards for me, but no big deal.

It's true what the people who have known for a long time say:

It gets easier. It's not a matter of each day being better, it's a general, shaky trend over time.

Day 14 update:

2 weeks since the day I first woke up, knowing I have herpes.

My coworkers seem to notice that I'm out of my minor slump. I don't think I actually slipped as much as I had felt like I was. Reviewing what I had actually missed or not accomplished and the list was:

Nothing.

I failed to respond to 1 email, asking if I was up to date on paperwork I had already submitted. Not even a thing!

And I thought I was way behind on all sorts of things I had needed to do!

The psychological impact of herpes really is a monster, but it's not an end to anything, really.

I can still use stress to fuel my ambition (probably thanks to valacyclovir and the support from this forum, and the people close to me).

Now I'm about to go on this buisness trip and really test how hard I can push myself. Worst case scenario, I won't be a prodigy, I might have symptoms and will throttle back to get more sleep. That's not going to be terrible. Disappointing, maybe, but in no way would it put my career at risk.

I think my struggle to control my thoughts and mood so that I can keep working and doing school work helped to work my mindset into a more positive state (minus a few really negative days...), and I think that also probably helped me heal more quickly from my first outbreak.

Stress to perform, stress to achieve are different brands than stress about health and identity.

Of course, them medication helped a lot on both fronts:

Valacyclovir provided some really rapid results, and also acted as a security blanket that I would be okay long term.

My updates are going to probably become less frequent while I'm traveling, but I plan to continue to write these updates. It has been helpful in working through some difficult emotions and moods.

I know it's all a lot of TLDR content.

Maybe someone will read this and be assured that what they are feeling isn't crazy. Maybe they will identify with some of the changes my state of mind has gone through, and feel more confident that herpes won't ruin them.

I'm honestly still nervous about shaving my pubic hair, but I'm determined that I will shave it eventually as a matter of principle. Unless I learn that shaving is rediculously risky. I haven't researched it yet.

This will probably be my final post in this thread for updates.

Day 24:

It took a couple of weeks to start feeling like myself. In some ways, I won't ever feel the same: every time I see someone I am attracted to, I think about how herpes has changed things for me.

Herpes in no way limited my abilities on this work trip. It was turned out to be extremely stressful by nature of the problems and circumstances I faced, and there was a witch hunt initiated for a couple of days that I had to be careful not to place blame on anyone else, and to assure powers that be that I was doing the job the right way. I was able to put in at least 13 hours a day, and use stress as fuel. In the end, I continue to br able to pursue goals to the fullest of my ability. The trip ended up being a major win for my team, with me leading the charge. I am very glad I didn't let concerns about my diagnosis stop me from giving my best. I even managed to do all of my homework, two quizzes and a paper while traveling (mostly in the airport during a long layover). Herpes held no power over me in any way in those pursuits.

So, rest assured that you are who you have chosen to be. The challenges herpes presents are mostly psychological. If you continue to chase down goals and work hard, you will achieve success.

I learned something very important while away.

Diligence, will power, and determination are everything. A friendly attitude helps, too. But no matter the challenges you face, if you pick it up with your own two hands, and own it, you will be better off than if you had given up or ignored it. 100% of the time.

Own that you have herpes, decide what you're going to do about it and do just that. Then keep chasing the goals you had before you knew, and keep finding new ones.

You’ve come a long way in 24 days, @RegularGuy! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

@HikingGirl

Thanks for the support while I dealt with a really stressful and volatile few weeks. I am certain that reading about other's experience and advice has been, and will continue to be, a major factor in my continuing efforts to regain my sense of self.

I want everyone who reads this to know that my intentions have not been to brag, or to garner sympathy at any point. The only intent here was purging emotional overload, documenting some of my experiences, and laying out a loose set of criteria for myself to gauge my own mental state.

I would like to think that someone else who has shared similar moods, emotions, and contemplations could find some assurance that they are in fact not breaking apart, and that their purpose both for themself, in society, or in God's eyes hasn't changed a bit.

And good words for anyone in any situation, do your best to make plans for the future that excite you! Use those plans as a point to focus on, and let yourself occasionally indulge in the feeling of anticipation. It will keep your well for internal conflict deep, and your personal resilience strong.

Thanks to those who read and took it with a grain of salt.

If you find yourself back tracking in mood, that happens, it's okay to feel down.

If you find yourself having trouble setting aside thoughts of anger, or shame, or self-loathing, reach out to someone you can trust like family, friends, or therapy.

Do things that make you feel genuine pride in yourself. And feel proud again!

Day 45 Update:

I am actually doing pretty well these days.

I still feel guilt and shame when I think about sex sometimes, which I guess gives me some perspective on how people raised to be ashamed of their sexuality must feel. It's totally lame and not awesome in any way. Sex used to be good times all the time.

Stupid virus.

My girlfriend has been awesome in helping me deal, but I know she feels bad when I turn her down for sex. I don't offer any explanation about it, but I know I should. At least so she knows it's not a lack of attraction.

I'll have to have that conversation eventually...

Other than that, I have been helping my brother deal with his schizophrenia a lot lately. It has been hard on him. He has very real, very traumatic hallucinations that include visual, audio, and tactile.

I think he is dealing with some post traumatic stress, and that is making his disorder more difficult to manage.

I am grateful that he is not like the other schizophrenic people I have met. He has good hygiene, cleans up after himself, takes care of his own medication doses, and keeps his apartment neat.

But it is an absolute monster.

It certainly puts herpes in perspective.

Unfortunately, it has me absolutely exhausted from stress and lack of sleep.

Aside from that:

College degree is in the bag.

Work rolls on, annual raise is on the way next month.

Girlfriend remains a really great lady.

I think that focusing on being there for the people close to me and chasing goals has made dealing with herpes less shitty.

It is a stupid damn virus, and infuriating that it is so epidemic (or pandemic?)!

It still angers me that I contracted herpes while in a monogamous relationship after having known each other for months with a really great girl who is smart and responsible.

But none of that defines me. It's just stuff that happens.

Bottom line is, I'm doing alright.

@RegularGuy I have thoroughly enjoyed reading m this entire post. I can relate to every single thing you felt, aside from the gf part. As a single, 40 yr old woman, I was mortified to find that I had contracted H, especially since I am not sexually active and haven’t been in quite some time. Even when I was, I always used protection. YES, I am 2 mths in from learning I am H+. Some days I feel “normal”, other days I feel unbearable guilt and disgust about myself. It’s a daily struggle, but eventually I’ll get the hang of it all.

Thank you for such an inspirational post, even if you didn’t mean for it to be.

@lostandconfused99

I think many people share similar things when they find out they have herpes. It has been reassuring to me to know that others have had similar experiences. More so that others have had it longer and feel less of the negative stuff.

I'm glad you feel like you are on track for getting the hang of things!

Keep being your kick ass self, herpes doesn't make the slightest difference in who you are!

Day 46 Update:

I shaved my pubic hair about a week ago, despite a huge deal of anxiety about spreading the virus via razor.

So far, no problems. However, it will probably be a couple of months before I'm confident that it's relatively safe to keep shaving.

In an attempt to be safer about it, I shave the area around the shaft, and the shaft itself last because that is where I had sores during my first outbreak.

Thankfully, I have not had any follow-up outbreak. I have gotten some itching sensation, but it's hard to tell if that isn't just mild razor burn. I'll have to wait to see what happens in the future.

Overall mood is back to normal.

Discontinued medication in light of a lack of symptoms.

Able to use stress to perform as fuel for achievement.

Able to steer thoughts away from guilt and depression pretty effectively.

Grateful for a bunch of stuff!

Thank God!

Day 54 update:

Being there for my brother, who has schizophrenia, really puts herpes in perspective.

His ability to steer his own train of thought, to manage anxiety, and depression is incredible.

Not only does his disorder cause these negative things directly, he also deals with a lot of the same feelings of shame, fear, and feelings of loss of identity that we do.

He is by no means the Hollywood example of crazy, though. In every way, he is more rational and responsible than most.

I have realized that being there for him has made me feel like myself. We talk about similarities and differences in our situations a lot.

He clearly deals with a much higher degree of social stigma, anxiety and shame. But he uses similar tricks to feel like himself and to solidify his resolve:

Looking forward to the future. Doing things that make him feel accomplished. Steering his mind away from negative things. Reminding himself that he is the same great person he has always been.

I don't want to minimize the situation anyone else is in. But I do want to underline that doing the basics to make yourself feel accomplished and whole is the key to gaining the resilience necessary to push forward, especially through depression.

My advice is to stop looking for "well at least I don't have..." situations.

Herpes is nothing. At the same time don't always think about what's worse etc. who knows, maybe one day you will get cancer. Then thinking "at least I don't have cancer" goes out the window.

I wouldn't even put herpes in the same book with either schiz or cancer or any of those heavy duty life situations. It's another world

@hippyherpy

Yeah, that's kind of what I was trying to say. Not "at least I don't have", but more "enjoy what you can while you can."

Also, it's good to help people close to you, even if it's just showing up and being a true friend to them. It makes you feel like you're doing something meaningful and positive with your life.

Figured I'd follow up again, just for my own sake.

First, if anyone is curious:

I held off on shaving my pubic hair for probably 2 months after I had fully healed from my first out break. I wanted to be confident that I wouldn't cause the virus to spread while my immune system got a relative handle on it.

I don't shave every day, only when I am sure I'm not feeling any symptoms at all, and never within a week of the last time. So far, no evidence of spreading. No evidence of a follow-up out break.

I consider myself extremely lucky in that.

I still get angry sometimes.

I still get down on myself about having herpes.

It's nothing too terrible, but it happens.

It's all too easy to hold on to anger, but no good comes from it.

It's all to easy to feel depressed, but it only holds me back from being who I want to be.

I still think about herpes pretty often. In the shower, when I see someone I am attracted to, or when I get intimate with my girlfriend.

She sure as hell does not understand, and that is frustrating. But, I do my best to keep things even-keel with her, despite some internal conflict about my self-image.

I never had to consider that angle before. I used to be very proud of my sexuality. That's not completely gone, just a little more complicated.

Hope it passes with time.

In some ways, I benefit from a small degree of humility. I don't really like it though, I like my narcissism (at a loss for a more accurate word at the moment). Maybe I'll get it back, maybe I will live with a bit of humbleness.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. And thank you so much for updating so often. I just found out about this less than a month ago. Some days, I feel like me, other days, I get defeated. Just the other day I was feeling really down because my ex seems to have gotten back together with a girl he was briefly dating after he broke up with me. He broke up with her and maybe they're back together. Whatever. Not my problem. But it made me so sad because I saw a future with him.

I'm on H dating sites now and hoping that I click with someone so I don't have to deal with the shitty social parts of this infection. I am learning though not to feed off stress (I used to just let stress wash over me) and I'm trying to take better care of myself, though I do admit I haven't been eating that much lately. Maybe that will change soon.

Hang in there, and keep us updated!

@wendy7

Fortunately, time is our ally in a lot of ways.

Time to look at ourselves objectively, and see our flaws, beyond herpes. But also time to see our redeeming qualities, too! Time to find someone who means what they say, and does not simply offer lip service. Time to put anger and depression into perspective, and find that there is ample reason to feel both satisfaction and gratefulness.

I understand your struggle in regard to not eating so much. Stress suppresses my appetite as well. While in the short term, it did help improve my cardio, it has become unhealthy. Compounded by the fact that I lack the interest and the will to exercise, I have to admit that I am letting myself slip.

However, I don't take it as a defeat. In becoming a balanced person overall, I have been focusing more on creative hobbies like writing. So it's a wash in my mind for now.

Similarly, you may find your interests changing somewhat. Considering the timeframe of your diagnosis, certainly steer yourself into as ideal a state as possible. But, don't fall prey to the mindset that every change you experience is inherently negative.

Look forward to the future, because it is definitely in your hands for the vast majority.

I think I have said it before, to take initiative 100%. I should modify that by addin the caveat: If something is working for you, don't be too quick to discount it.

Thank you again for responding! I totally agree, this whole thing has made me look at everything differently. I feel like in some ways I'm more confident about myself as a person, even though I do feel in many ways insecure about my h.

It's a very strange place to be indeed, but I feel as if there is good to come. Today was a very positive day for me. I'm choosing to remain that way and not get caught in a cycle. With this new obstacle, I'm even more determined to make it a nonissue. There are days when I'm down, but not today!

3 month update:

Unfortunately, I'm having another out break.

This time around my anus, and it is very painful.

I am somewhat certain that this is not a result of shaving, as I had not shaved for about 2 weeks before the out break began showing symptoms of general itching in the whole butt-crack area.

It's been about a month since I stopped taking my daily suppression medicine (1000mg valacyclovir), and the timing seems to suggest that the virus found nerve pathways to move along.

I am back on valacyclovir 1000mg once a day, and will continue for at least a year at my doctor's recommendation. Likely, I will stay on the meds for the rest of my life, as this out break has caused a small, but noticeable amount of depression.

My girlfriend remains supportive, and understands that the out break as completely ruined my libido. Even if it hadn't, I would still insist on abstaining anyway.

Thankfully, my girlfriend is very much onboard with doing things together that will help take my mind off herpes, and with the holiday coming up, I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm not drowning in a pit of misery, and I'm not falling apart from symptoms of the virus. But it is shaming, and I am uncomfortable most of the time.

I don't think this outbreak will last as long as my first, and the general cold-like symptoms are much less this time. But I would recommend to anyone that has contracted herpes recently to consider staying on medication for a year to help prevent possible recurring out breaks. I would also recommend waiting longer than I did before shaving pubic hair, as there is a possibility that I accidentally spread the virus. Giving more time to let your immune system compensate is probably a good idea.

Hi @RegularGuy, I was just diagnosed on Thursday Dec 21 and have been distraught ever since - crying on and off all day. Like you I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I've never faced something that couldn't be fixed with sheer will power and determination. Reading your posts have helped me feel a little better and I'm so thankful for them.

@misslistless

Thank you for the feedback! I never thought my own rambling would make any difference.

Terrible to have so much inner turmoil going on during the holidays. Not that it's much easier any other time of year. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this anyway.

I am definitely familiar with the sudden bouts with depression. I found myself feeling like I never knew what thought or what circumstance would bring me down.

Rest assured that you will regain your pride, and you have tons of achievements and success ahead of you. Constantly seeking self improvement inherently comes with a lot of disapointments, but if you live that lifestyle already, you are familiar with facing the bitter reality of your own abilities (or lack thereof). I took a lot of comfort in realizing that there are many things I will never achieve perfection with in my own mind, and this is just another thing I won't attack and destroy.

Think of it more like managing cardio: there are things you can do to help, but you're never going to be perfect all the time (age, illness, lack of getting outside and running every day).

Just don't take it as defeat.

I am fortunate in having a very kind and supportive relationship, if I can find that, anyone can.

For me now, only a few months after finding out, I still get down about it sometimes however I have so much success and good things to look back on already!

You'll see, it won't make an ounce of difference in the long run!

Update on the second out break:

I'm still uncomfortable most of the time, but it isn't painful. It might be more psychological than physical at this point, though.

TMI:

If you have symptoms in the anus area, I'd recommend staying away from spicy foods, haha!

Anyway, I had a really awesome Christmas with my girlfriend, and I spent the holiday sharing good memories and reflecting on all the many things I have to be grateful for.

Herpes is no longer a major subject of thought for me, but it has changed some things. I chose not to let it define me, and it doesn't!

@RegularGuy

I hope you won't mind if I use you as a sounding board, for some reason through all of your posts here I feel fairly comfortable to do so. I finally had some positivity come through yesterday, day 5 into my life with GHSV1. I've realized that much of my agony comes from my own judgments that I didn't realize I had, rooted of course in the judgments of my family. It truly does bring me comfort to see that someone else, a few months into their journey with genital herpes, has regained some control over their feelings and the virus hasn't completely taken over their life. I finally started to show myself some kindness instead of being so harsh and picking apart my brain for the 'how did this happen'.

I am actually in a relationship with someone right now, and similar to yours when you were diagnosed it is quite new - about 2 months old. It's unclear if I acquired this from him or my ex - I've only had 2 partners in my life. At first we were fairly certain I got it from my current boyfriend, but upon realizing he'd confused cold sores with canker sores he's decided to get tested to be sure. He's been wonderful - hasn't exhibited an ounce of judgment or anger or disdain. He told me that regardless of whether he's positive or negative, he wants to continue to pursue our relationship. There's the toughest part, the clearest example of my self-loathing - I haven't been able to believe him. It's inconceivable to me that anyone would be willing to take the risk.

That being said, like I mentioned earlier in this post, I found some positivity yesterday. I've begun to understand, in no small part due to your postings, that this doesn't define me or my worth as a person/partner. Any disease or illness of my body should invite gentility and kindness from myself instead of anger and self-punishment. And plus, exhibiting more love toward myself has certainly been far less painful than the other.

Regarding your second outbreak:

I'm happy to hear it isn't too terrible, my first outbreak was unbelievably mild and healed within 5 days of the treatment. I'm somewhat fearful that since I got lucky the first go around, my second will be much less forgiving. Of course, everyone is different and I know I can't predict my experience based off of others' but still, I'm glad to see it isn't affecting you too badly. I am going to take your suggestion and speak to my doctor about taking suppressive medication for the first year, especially if it turns out my partner is negative.

@misslistless

It's good to know you are so aware of your mental process! Your strong resolve and positivity will absolutely have a big impact on your relationship!

I have mentioned before, but it bares repeating that you should also be aware that the first person that accepts you as you are, knowing your diagnosis generally is the subject of a skewed level of gratitude. If things are good in all the important aspects of relationship for you, give yourself permission to enjoy it! However, if you find yourself balancing controlling or malicious behavior on their part with the fact that they accept your condition, take a step back and evaluate if the relationship is a good one. I went through a couple of weeks of uncertainty with this, but the woman I am with consistently demonstrates so many positive qualities, my doubt was quickly dissolved.

Your decision to seek suppressive therapy is a good one in my opinion, fear is a very powerful thing, and has a big impact on daily life. Fearing the next out break is a real problem at this stage for you, and the security blanket style peace of mind offered by medication (in addition to all of the other benefits) has been a consistent help for me personally. I think most people who first get diagnosed would benefit from gaining a little comfort from "at least doing something about it" by taking a daily pill.

Regarding your boyfriend's test results, it may help to decide that either way, you won't hold on to anger or fear. I was admittedly upset with my girlfriend's results, and it caused more anger and doubt than I can describe. But she remained honest, supportive and thoughtful, regardless of the tough line of questions I had to throw at her. Since then, we have made it a point that it is okay to talk about herpes, but that it should not be a defining facet of our day to day. We seem to naturally balance herpes conversations with intentionally turning the subject to something positive and fun before we part ways. This is a really good system, it can be as simple as pointing out something about the other person that you really like once you have concluded your venting about the disease.

Overall, I have to tell you that I am impressed, and I know that you have all of the tools and abilities you need to steer your thoughts in a positive direction to get yourself feeling "normal" again. When things get tough, and you begin to despair, remember to imagine the future and to make it a future where you have herpes, but it doesn't stop you from being the awesome person you always have been!

Update on the second out break:

What I thought was herpes round 2: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Edition

May actually be something else entirely.

The only reason any of this might be relevant is whether it is indeed a follow-up out break, or if I simply assumed and my assumption prevented me from seeing a doctor sooner.

Bottom line up front:

If stuff starts happening, see a doctor, don't just assume herpes is being different.

Had a surprising amount of blood in my stool today. I don't think herpes tends to bleed, and I am concerned that it may be some sort of cancer like issue, as my family has a consistent history of cancer, polyps, tumors, precancerous cells, etc.

For those who aren't familiar with the connection here:

A tumor, polyp, or cancerous mass may develop in your colon. It can cause itching, discomfort, pain, and eventually develop blood vessels in it which are prone to breaking and causing bleeding during a visit to the ol' throne room.

Going to the doctor either today or tomorrow to get it checked out.

I seem to have a knack for developing life-threatening conditions around the beginning of the year. Last time was 2014: infected tonsils that progressed from perfectly fine to emergency surgery overnight. Apparently the little bastards were going to kill me via sepsis in a matter of hours, if not for the hero of a doctor having driven an hour out of his way, on his way home after a shift in the pediatric hospital, through a rainstorm, to come perform surgery while I sat upright in a chair with local anesthetic and I coughed blood back at him uncontrollably every few seconds, and no assistance from the emergency room staff.

If you ever wondered where a appreciation for life, and a need to make the most of each day comes from, that would be one way to get it, haha! I marked my calendar, 1/1/2014, RegularGuy died today, if not for a highly skilled surgeon.

Seems like I'm not going through anything so immediately deadly, but I'm not exactly "in fighting shape". It's enough that I would not be surprised if the doctor informed me that I was being scheduled for surgery right away, but I also wouldn't be surprised if they tell me it is in fact just a symptom of herpes and send me on my way.

I'm not too terribly stressed about it because even if it is something cancerous, it's not as sudden a death as sepsis from infection, but it ranks as faster than heart failure from age, so I am not taking it lightly.

Anyway,

Hope everyone had a decent new year celebration. The girlfriend and I went to dinner at a nice place, and I passed out at home on the sofa before the ball dropped at midnight, successfully disappointing her, haha! Oops!

Well, you won't do everything you meant to, and a lot of the things you do won't be perfect. It's still worth trying.

Happy 2018!

Hemorrhoids or anal fissures can cause similar symptoms and are more common than cancer. As usual keep us posted. (:

@dumbfounded

I think you might be right that it could be fissures. That is one of the effects of herpes out break, which is why I suspected. It seemed to get better, then subsequently worse. That got me concerned.

We are experiencing a snow and ice problem in Charleston right now, so I have to wait on seeing the doc, but I will follow up after.

If it is herpes related, I will explain the symptoms better so others can know what to look out for. But, it stands to reason not to assume too much. If anyone gets similar symptoms, see a doctor.

@RegularGuy, your post has helped me tremendously as I just found out this morning and told my partner hours after I found out. The only difference was that I didn't mention when I first experienced my symptoms because it was so crazy to me that I just knew it couldn't be that. I was praying for some rare case of yeast infection that caused this.

I can't say I've received the same support. He hasn't mentioned leaving, but it's also not clear that he will continue to be here as he has over the past few months. My main concern is praying that I didn't give it to him. I had my first OB a few days after being with him for the first time. It was unprotected of course. A part of me almost hopes that he doesn't want to be with me so that I can just be alone and not held responsible for his sexual health even if he doesn't have it and we continue to have sex, which I already know will already take a while to get back to for his and my own reasons.

I hadn't even thought about the shower situation, so now that's on my mind. I've literally by Lysol-ing every door know, faucet, handles, etc. I'm nervous about towels and sheets when I'm at my moms. Or accidently sharing the soap. This is all a mind fuck.

I'm happy to read your growth. Maybe in 45 days I'll feel the same. Maybe this is a lesson I needed for so many reasons...

I hope all continues to go well!

@butterfly2018

Thank you for the positive feedback. Sorry to hear that you've joined the club. I understand that you have a million things going on, and then there is also herpes. It makes participating in a relationship challenging, but it is worth the extra effort to persist with your s/o if herpes is the only thing that makes it difficult.

Because soon you will feel like it's -just- herpes, not the monster it feels like now.

You should throttle back on treating it like the flu, and that your very breath carries plague, because it simply isn't that nefarious.

Realistically, just washing your hands seems to be plenty of precaution.

I would encourage you to adapt to handling and washing towels thoughtfully, as there is some doubt in the medical community. Warm, wet environment and all that noise.

But overall, if you pay attention to your body, and don't panic about things, you will be able to handle it just fine.

Regarding sex, there is nothing wrong with abstaining temporarily, especially while you have symptoms. Your partner should understand without much need for convincing. Nobody deserves to feel guilt or shame in the bedroom!

I know you probably have a lot of introspection going on these days. Take the opportunity to practice steering your thoughts toward positive ideas of how you will meet your near future! Is the person you are with right for you? Is now a good time to use some vacation time to do something fun? Do you have any hobbies or projects you can do that make you feel accomplished, especially if the thought of leaving the confines of your home is stressful? Remember what you dreamed you would be doing next year? Is there anything you can focus on doing to help get you there?

These are the introspective questions that are hiding just behind all of that fear and sadness. This could be a tine for anxiety and strife, but you have the power not to let it be!

Good luck!

Welcome to the community!

Please reach out to someone close, or us here on the forums if you find yourself struggling!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! I’m completely ok with abstaining and taking necessary precautions, my challenge has been not puttin too much on my partner too soon. He now wants to slow down, no longer sure about children, having sex in general, etc. We seem to be better today but my personality has always been to get all the answers now and I realize I can’t force him to be OK with this and the simple fact that’s he’s still here, is effort in itself. Was there a period that your partner was doubtful and she eventually came around?

I’m slowly getting to a place where it is just Herpes. I hope that gets easier as I understand my body. I feel like this is a life lesson, tough lesson, that God has shown me as a way to one take care of myself (no stress or horrible eating) and to stop making sex such a huge center (I haven’t always been the most responsible). I wish this lesson had been presented before a boyfriend came along, but hey. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you again!

My girlfriend and I talked plenty about how we felt about our situation, and what we would do about it now. We also talked about how we want things to be in the future, and our fears associated with it.

We tend to keep these conversations matter of fact, and let them be done when they are done. We have really strong communication, which makes that stuff really easy. It might not be as simple for others, but it is worth the effort. If your s/o is reserved about that stuff, let them be.

If you bring up the conversation, but they resist, demonstrate patience.

Fear regarding long term commitment comes and goes. Wanting children is the same way.

Maybe today isn't a good day to bring up the American dream, but maybe tomorrow will be.

The trick is to put the shoe on the other foot, and really try to feel what they are feeling. A little empathy goes a long way. Just don't be surprised if you realize the other person genuinely feels a lot of anxiety about the future. Herpes can have that effect sometimes, but it's temporary.

To answer your question more directly, we both have felt doubt, and have both been so supportive and caring that the doubts have been dissolved. That is an ongoing process, I think. Not solely reserved to doubt regarding herpes, but a lot of other things as well.

You are right that God hasn't left you hanging. You have someone to lean on a little, and someone to show some compassion for. That's definitely something to be grateful for, even if it doesn't work out long term. At very least, it can help you to see that your actions and decisions matter to other people, and that you have many desirable qualities.

I won't dance around the issue, though. Herpes can be a deal breaker for some people.

It doesn't make you any better or worse. It only effects those you are with in that way if they decide that you aren't the one, and they haven't finished searching.

Update on my second out break:

I still haven't been to the doctor, which isn't a good decision on my part in the long run, but I have some good reasons to enjoy things while I can that I won't discuss here.

In general if you find yourself in my position as I have stated with this second out break which may actually be something much more serious, definitely go to the doctor right away.

TMI:

I had a pair of sores show up in a visible location the other day. So I know I am having herpes symptoms. I think I might have something else going on at the same time which is causing bleeding in my stool. Considering that it is either just herpes or something very serious, I am timing going to the doctor to fall between some very important events coming up in my near future. One I wish to enjoy regardless of my mortality, and the other which may or may not become inconsequential if I do get some bad news. Nuff said, don't ask.

Focusing on the purpose of this site,

Herpes round two has been much longer an ordeal than the first, it seems. Odd, because the first was much more painful, yet this time the pain is very persistent. It is effecting my mood, and my girlfriend notices the difference. I have explained all to her, and she remains shockingly supportive and wonderful.

Seriously grateful!

It won't last forever.

More depressing is the possibility that it may be cancerous, as is likely based on consistent family history of colon cancer between ages 30 and 50. Literally every single relative so far. So I see no reason it should not be surgically removed just as easily, but the possibility that it may have metastasized already is unnerving.

Case and point though, herpes is no longer the biggest factor in my day to day, even during out break. So, believe that it will be the same for you, regardless of circumstances.

I know you are high risk for colon cancer so please keep us updated of any future developments. Also keep in mind that hemorrhoids and anal fissures can have the symptoms you're experience. So maybe not herpes or cancer. Again, keep us posted.

Well my out break has definitely cleared by now, but I am still seeing blood in my stool.

Definitely something bigger going on, as it's been an issue for several weeks.

I'm going to do the thing I was going to do, then schedule an appointment with my doctor for some potentially bad news, then I'm going to get whatever it turns out to be straightened out.

The good news is that I have decided not to be mad about it, or afraid of what might happen. Cuz no matter what, I have a lot of really good times I will get to enjoy anyway.

I am beginning to think it might turn out to be nothing to sweat. I've had very life threatening problems before, and accepted my time is possibly very short. The great thing about really accepting that is I get to look at every situation differently than I did when I was younger.

Everything that happens and everyone you meet is an opportunity. Doing good things doesn't always need to be profound, it can be small, and it can be less than what someone may have been expecting out of you. But you get to enjoy knowing that things were a little better because you were here, and at very least, you did what you thought was right.

I might just stick around for a long time. Chances seem likely of that, so I'm not trying to be overly dramatic here. I'm just putting some thoughts down to remind myself to keep at it.

I feel great about the way things have shaped up for me, herpes included. Yeah, believe that if you can!

I want to be able to live knowing that anger and self pity are temporary and optional to me, because I'm so lucky to be in that position. Many people don't get a choice.

Update on how Herpes has changed things for me:

I thought I might have had a blister forming after I shaved yesterday. Turned out to be a razor bump that healed itself in a few hours. So, that was a little anxiety inducing. Something to straighten out in my head, but I wasn't about to call out of work or cancel plans, so that's progress.

So far since being diagnosed I have accomplished:

Raise at work

College degree

Finished writing my book

So far herpes has stopped me from:

Feeling 100% confident in my birthday suit

Liking seeing my reflection occasionally

Enjoying the ability to be attracted to someone without guilt or shame

I still deal with the negative occasionally. It's becoming lees and less a problem, but it's there.

I get mad when herpes interferes with my self image, and my sexuality.

I hope that one day I will learn to set that aside.

Congratulations on your college degree, raise at work and completing your book @RegularGuy! Woop! Woop!

I am also always anxious before and after shaving hahahah (so much that I am thinking about lazer hair removal). I wonder if that would help.

Yes I hate we when herpes interferes with my sexuality (argh!).

I am currently doing my end of semester exams (so obviously stress levels are over the roof) and I can feel my second outbreak coming (second this month imagine even when on suppressive acyclovir medication. My first outbreak this month was at the beginning of the exam period and came with my monthly period, the blisters did not hurt even when I pee'd but the itching during the first two days was out of this world. I was riding my biking and bouncing on my seat hahahah).

I usually try to stay upbeat but my heart broke a little when I saw a blister this morning. This is the last week of exams so looking forward to the end of the week, my blisters healing and my trip to Portugal next week.

May we always have find the strength to deal with the wave of negative emotions when they come over us.

It has been a very fast 5 months since my first post.

What I thought was a second outbreak turns out to be hemorrhoids, which I am actually glad about. It means I didn't spread the virus accidentally by shaving my pubic hair.

And it's not colon cancer, so that's another win.

Hemorrhoids suck though, so be sure to clench that booty when you power lift, because I'm certain that's what caused the problem.

While I'm on the medical topic, my blood pressure is still higher than what it should be.

Could be genetics there, too. But, I'm adjusting the ol diet anyway. No meed to have a stroke, I can think of better ways to meet cute nurses, haha!

Other than the minor medical quandaries, life is a pretty huge win this year.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I have kept up finding ways to help people close to me.

I have found a new goal in that pursuit. I think I can be more than just a decent guy. I'm going to try to be the kind of person who brightens other's day just a little. It's not impossible, but very much outside my nature. I am very much a "live and let live" type. We'll see how it goes.

And I found an editor for my book!

Woo!

One step closer to the goal of getting the damn thing published.

Thanks again to the people who have offered support in my coping with herpes. It truly has not stopped me from doing any of the things I need to do in order to feel accomplished!

Thanks for the update! I have a hemorrhoid from childbirth and it's caused more issues than HSV. Also, you don't have to worry about spreading it to yourself anally. I thought that at first too and was so nervous about it but once it's in the genitals anywhere in the boxer shorts area is fair game. So you cant spread it from your penis to your anus. If you have it genitally you have it anywhere in the boxer shorts area. You might have already said this but do you know what type you have? And you found out about it while in a relationship, right? Are you still with the same girl? Is she the one who gave it to you? Just curious. Thanks!

To answer your questions:

I have hsv-1

I did contract it from my girlfriend, and we are still together. She didn't know, as many people don't. She had a "test for everything" situation with her doctor, who (as is sadly often the case) didn't test for herpes.

You're right, hemorrhoids are much more problematic than herpes.

I'm in the same boat. So far nothing has been confirmed but I had a visual diagnosis and a negative IgG. So the assumption is that my husband is an asymptomatic carrier.

Yeah, it's pretty common to have hsv-1 and not know it.

I struggled with a lot of anger and suspicion toward my girlfriend for a while, but she has always been so caring and supportive that I eventually realized it is entirely likely that she never knew until after I tested positive and she got herself tested specifically for herpes.

It has caused both of us to be very considerate toward each other regarding self image and sexuality because we both understand that the other has some occasional issues regarding those things.

Still, I recognize that we are both good for each other, and do a lot to help the other be a better person, simply by demonstrating some support and compassion. Herpes has become a minor footnote in our relationship and I'm really glad for that.

Funny how life works sometimes. Herpes is a non issue for us too. It's brought us closer together. We've always had a good relationship but going through something that requires a lot of outward trust and compassion has definitely reaffirmed those traits between us. At the end of the day herpes is such a miniscule price to pay to be with my stellar husband.

I know just what you mean. I'm glad to know that you have a good relationship.

As my girlfriend put it when I first found out my diagnosis,

"It would be a shame to end things just because of herpes. If it ends, ot ends because we were not good for each other." And I extended that to, "And as long as we are good for each other, I want to try to stick together."

It was a really inspiring thing, not that it was anything unique or profound, but that we saw a relationship as an easy thing. Just try.

Update still month 5:

The supposed second out break was just a case of hemorrhoids. This is the price I pay for being old and out of shape and thinking I could push myself on the squat rack like I'm 25, haha!

Weightlifters, clench that booty and breathe!

The good news is it's healing up, so I'm lucky. It could have been worse if I had kept lifting and ignored the doctor. For now, I'm keeping the weights low and focused on cardio. The treadmill is the bulk of my exercise now, and that's probably better for long term health than big plates on a big bar. I still want to lift again, but it's not a bad thing.

You may have read that my blood pressure was kind of high. Cardio will help.

If you are interested in some advice on exercise, great!

Get on the treadmill. Resist the urge to set the incline and grab the handles, that will only slow your progress. Instead, focus on setting a heart rate goal. 80 beats per minute for 5, 10, or 15 minutes is a great spot to start if you are in need of some rehabilitation from injury (or having a desk job, as is my case, haha!) 100 BPM for 10 minutes is a great goal to hit, that will tax your diaphragm, legs, metabolism, and vascular system to keep oxygen flowing and remove lactic acid. If you are an average joe or jane, with no complicating factors and good overall health, this will get you results. The end goal should be based on your age and general health. Young, healthy individuals can usually expect to work up to heart rates over 120BPM for 10min, that's where sweat and exhaustion should start becoming normal for you and you will probably feel the desire to push yourself in total run time / distance.

As for distance, set small goals. At first, just walking a half mile might feel taxing. That's okay. Focus on keeping your heart rate where you want it.

If you know you can run pretty well, shoot for a mile. Set an easy pace and time yourself. Use that benchmark and how you feel afterward to gauge your next run.

Personally, I am 30 and shooting for a 10:30min 1.5mile run. It's not superhuman, but it has taken me about a year to get there. My heart rate is still higher at the finish than I want it to be. So, I switch it up. Some days I go slower for longer. Some days I start with a sprint and go shorter.

Things are looking up for me this year. Herpes really isn't much of a thing. I go entire days without thinking about it, and I haven't been down about it in a couple of weeks! Woo!

So 5 months and no second outbreak? Your taking daily antivirals right?

Yeah, I take 1000mg valacyclovir daily.

It may contribute to my higher than ideal blood pressure, but I am taking the simple steps it takes to control that.

6 months update:

Life is normal!

I am bringing together years of striving for goals and dreams this year. Herpes hasn't gotten in the way of any of it!

I am still capable, desirable, kind and good. Just like I knew I would keep being, despite my diagnosis.

My blood pressure is coming back into normal levels, my relationship is moving along really well, my work is becoming easier, and my hobbies are still a source of fun.

Super grateful for all of those things!

7 months, apparently.

I'm not sure how accurate my count is anymore. And that's a good thing.

Want to know what is a bigger deal than herpes for me right now?

It might put the whole virus into perspective.

1. Moving. It's stressful.

2. I have to work a couple of extra shifts when I'd really rather chill and work on my book some more. Got some ideas for revisions, so no that's a thing.

3. Just saw a trailer for a movie that has similar components to my book. Now the anxiety monkey that rides my back all day is trying to convince me that there is no more room in the market for my story. Actively trying to defeat point 2 without negating the stress? Clever, Mr. Anxiety Monkey. Clever.

Yeah, seriously that's all a bigger deal to me these days than Herpes.

That's progress! I'm really glad that I got the help I needed to pull myself together and keep living as hard as I can!

All this may sound like bragging, but I do have a good point to make:

You can get to feel like yourself again. You can enjoy the things that you have always enjoyed. You can go back to worrying about "nornal" stuff.

Talk to someone about what's getting to you. Just knowing someone read / heard what you have to say can be really helpful.

Take it easy on yourself when you need some slack. Perfection isn't a thing that actually exists, it's a goal to shoot for sometimes. If you are struggling to like yourself, now is probably not the time to try to be perfect.

Be hard on yourself when you need to be. That contradicts the last point, but it's true. If you have to drag your self kicking and screaming towards your recovery / self acceptance, do it.

Be good to other people. They won't always be super grateful, but a small amount of feeling like you did a good thing can help pull you out of a slump.

Be good to yourself. Do things that make your life go the way you want it to. That might be as simple as remembering to run the dishwasher at the end of the day, or as complex as hounding yourself to chase achievement at work / school / hobbies. If you know what you need, what will help give you that x-factor to help you wake up in a positive mood in the morning, do it. Be proud that you can do it.

That all sounds like the usual rigamarole, but there is no secret to it. There is no trick, magic spell, or voodoo to it.

Life is about that slow, incremental progress. It might not feel like you gain a lot of ground every day.But when I look back 7 months, I am fortunate to get to feel like I have done good things and made lots of progress toward feeling that elusive contentment with how things are, and where they are going.

@regularguy I need You this morning. I’m at my breaking point

8ish month update:

Life is seriously all about that slow, incremental progress. Anything worth while tends to be that way.

Learn one lesson.

Gain one skill.

Do it better next time.

Find another method.

Evaluate what you did, how it worked out and what you can do differently.

Once you know what to do, keep cranking at it until the damn thing is done.

I wish I could take my own advice better, haha!

I'm impatient, I change my mind 99% of the way to completion of a goal and I stomp my foot and pout about wanting things to be different.

But I do one thing right.

I refuse to lie to myself. I don't take excuses as justification for giving myself a break.

If I don't like my waistline, it's because I gave myself too much leeway on snacks and skipped out on the crunches. There is no two ways about it, whether age or genetics made it just a little harder this year than last.

That's how I treat myself in my own head.

It might be tyrannical. It might be a little harsh. To some.

But for me, it's just what I need.

There is a fearful, weak, sorry sack of lazy garbage lurking deep within me. He occasionally tries to justify initiating an argument with a loved one, or to justify cutting corners on the job.

I don't need to feel ashamed of it. That's a part of human nature.

I just need to identify when it's leading into some form of unhealthy or destructive train of thought. Then take action to get things back in line with how I choose for them to be.

Being diagnosed with herpes gave fuel to that part of me and it threatened to drag my entire syche down with it.

I was ashamed to think that way so readily.

The shame I felt over thinking that way fed the part of me that could undermine me.

What an epic battle against the perfect enemy, huh?

It's like the cliche battle against the evil twin from TV. Only it's not a cliche when you find your instincts and your fears turned into the most prevailant part of your mind. It's pretty depressing in reality.

How did I wrangle all that inner termoil into place again?

I'm not really sure I could put it into words.

I can give examples of my actions and my thoughts, but I can't describe the method or the mood.

Refusing to act on ideas formed by that unlikable part of me was a big factor in regaining my sense of self.

Idenifying what was an acceptable deciding factor and what was self-pity was another contributor.

It takes time to influence such a subconscious beast. It doesn't understand words, and it doesn't care much for reality. It turns reflexive thoughts into depressing notions and dreams into anxiety-feeding weirdness. Only consistent behavior and an intentional mindset can really have any effect when that part of your mind starts trying to make the decisions.

Even though the song is way over played and I actually kind of hate Incubus, their song "Drive" kind of hits the nail on the head.

Hey, thanks for reading. It means a lot.

I'm having trouble trying to talk to my girlfriend about herpes recently.

It's not anything important, I just want to find the words to tell her that it still makes me hurt sometimes, but that doesn't have anything to do with her or our relationship.

I want to be able to seek some empathy without making her feel guilty or responsible. But it doesn't seem possible.

She does great at being super supportive and kind all the time. I don't want her to have to think about how her not knowing ahead of time caused me this kind of pain. She's so empathic, she'd be torn up about it all over again.

But I've been feeling shame lately.

I had the thought cross my mind again for the first time in a while, "Why exercise? you are permanently flawed. Why try to cover up your shame? You are not worthy of desire."

It's pretty lame to have those thoughts just inject themselves in an otherwise normal day.

It makes me angry that this kind of thinking interrupts what was once my very ritualistic exercise.

I get no piece of mind today from exercise. And I am somehow less myself for it.

Fuckin herpes taking away my sense of self.

I used to be able to smash this kind of doubt under huge amounts of exhaustion. My ritual used to be the only way I could cope sometimes.

I drag this stupid vurus and the psycholical baggage.

It won't last for more than a few minutes at a time anymore.

But I want to talk to my girlfriend about it without bringing the same kind of pain down on her.

Absolutely she deserves to be content over myself.

If I could think of a way to talk to her about it without dragging her down.

Shame, shame, shame.

I used to be overflowing with pride.

I still get to be most of the time. I just miss out on it sometimes.

Well, it's been a few days and I haven't had that tough conversation with my girlfriend I had wanted to.

Fact is that I just stopped feeling like it was so important.

I will tackle that discussion eventually, but it really only manifests in my mind for a moment at a time, and not all that often. There is just so much more that is much more important to me.

I actually was able to work out without feeling shame. And I realize that I often do exercise without any inner turmoil. It's just occasional conflict, and not overpowering.

I'm beginning to cycle away from cardio and more into weightlifting again. Something that is very, very RegularGuy.

He didn't go anywhere. Just went through a phase of temporary stuff.

Also, I got to compare my blood pressure history with my dad. It's very similar in that his began to rise generally in his 30's, according to his memory. Either way, I will continue to compensate by cutting back on energy drinks and similar not so healthy habits.

There are things I can do. Good things and bad. Healthy things and unhealthy. Fun things and lame things.

Thanks to the RegularGuy of about 8 months ago for giving himself a chance to prove himself worthy. I would say in hindsight he was very worthy, if extremely foolish to doubt himself so badly, to judge himself so harshly.

@RegularGuy Thank you for this detailed journey you've shared with us. ALL of the feelings you shared are feelings I'm currently going through, and reading your posts have been insightful, transparent, and in more ways uplifting. I am constantly "inside my head" thinking and talking things through with myself. Some days, I'm really able to pull through and others, it's down right hard to not think about anything else but the H. Even when I'm not thinking about IT, I'm thinking of the time before it, and what things would be like....which we all know isn't healthy.

I think what's really important for me personally right now, is that I allow myself the time to grieve and process, but then pick up from where I left off and continue the fight to live the best life I can!

@HeyTotoro

Thanks for the kind words and thanks for reading.

I'm glad you're allowing yourself to have some good days and some not so great. It'll all settle into more good as time goes on. I'm also glad you are giving yourself permission to feel out the feelings and think the thoughts when you have to. Definitely important.

Try not to wait on picking up and moving on. Try to keep doing things the way you have always done as much as you can without breaking at the seams. I may have been able to push myself at work and other stuff, but I also had a huge amount of support from my family and my girlfriend at the same time. Anyone can reasonably throttle back and withdrawal a bit, even if they are lucky enough to have the kinds of support I have.

So take your time when you need to. Push yourself when you need to. But do it to earn back your own respect and appreciation, feeling like yourself is rooted very much in those things.

I hit the gym today and really crushed it like I used to.

No shame, no holding back. The thought of herpes didn't even occur.

Damn that felt good.

I can still shape myself however I want. I can push myself to desparate levels of exhaustion and keep finding new wells of inner strength to tap into.

Not too long ago, I thougjt that was never going to happen again. It's rediculous to think that.

In other news, I moved into a new, nicer place. That was something I really wanted to do for a while and I finally found the right place to be. It's been really exciting and satisfying to take a step forward in my living situation, especially because I feel like I've worked so hard and been so dilligent in recognizing opportunities to earn a better lifestyle.

It's really rewarding to look back and see a resilient, tenacious self making sound decisions to open doors and win what I wanted to have.

The best part is knowing I can keep doing it. And even if something terrible happens, I think I would meet adversity or tragedy with strength, determination and satisfaction in knowing I really honestly did things to the best of my ability.

That's what I get from these late night gym sessions. Satisfaction and inspiration through introspection.

For those who might read this:

Do that for yourself. Find a way to gain that kind of pride and self appreciation. It makes the good times more enjoyable and the hard times a little easier.

When I look back on my biggest regrets and the most terrible things I struggled through, herpes actually doesn't rank very high on the list.

Now, I don't suggest that anyone ever make an ordered list of things they feel bad about. Especially not when they're feeling down. But I woke up today remembering some really difficult things either because they still get to me in my dreams sometimes, or because it's just one of those days.

I'm filled with reslove and strength, much in spite of the bad times I've had. Sometimes, when I have nothing else to hold onto for fuel to carry on, the memory of the bad times and the desire to be successful and happy in spite of them becomes that fuel.

I remember the fist fights, hopless and painful. The accidents, the injustice, the times I had been a victim, when I had to take the lesser of two bad options, the foot-in-mouth, the utter selfishness and vanity that ruined things that could have been happy memories, the fuitility, and the pain, and the regret.

I remember all of those things so clearly from the despiration and pain that came with them. I could relive each moment if I focused my mind on it.

But looking back from here, herpes ranks a mild 5 out of 10 on the regret, pain and despair scale.

There are a lot of things that lead to my contracting herpes that I don't regret, many of them lead to the same outcome. The fact is true that if I had stayed who I was, I wouldn't be who I am. And I like who I am much better than any other me I have ever been.

Sure, sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, or better yet, be there for my younger self. I'd probably start in 1997.

But things being what they were, and taking each day as a new one where I get to make a new set of choices was all I can ever do. And I have always been pretty good at that. I never did make the same mistake twice when it comes to life lessons.

It's easy to look back with regret and nothing very valuable comes from it, unless you use it to change the kind of choices you make going forward. But once that decision to conduct yourself differently has been made, there is no reason to look back anymore.

Because what is ahead of you and how you handle it will soon begin to define who you are. Good choices, ones that protect you from danger, protect your loved ones, help you achieve goals and make you feel good about yourself are all ahead of you.

Rather than list out what makes you angry, sad, or regretful, Make a tally of the things you want to have happen in the future, big and small. Make a list of things you need to do to make those things happen. List what you have to change about your conduct and what you should keep doing.

Dwelling on pain and feeling self pitty is just one small part of healing and becoming who you will be. Don't dwell for too long, it'll just drive you crazy or make you depressed.

Things are good these days!

I'm on a new diet. Very little bread and dairy, replaced with more beans, fruit and veggies.

It's not exactly paleo, but it is working really well for me. After much research and self reflection, I decided to take my own advice and make a lifestyle change regarding diet. 3 weeks in and it's already helping me to have more energy, lean out some hard to sculpt areas and I've got another small measure of my pride back.

I'm still working out the same as always and I can see that I'm getting better results after having started being more careful about what I eat. That combined with the fact that the diet seems easily sustainable makes it a big win for me!

Herpes continues to be one of my least concerns. I find myself imvesting more research and time into hobbies I have always enjoyed, which is really great. I get to feel like myself consistently, without suffering painful reminders of herpes everywhere I look. I think about it when I mean to, and I don't think about it when I don't have to.

I've also been spending a lot of time researching investing for retirement. Thinking about the future and all the ways I can make sure that it will be a financially sound, happy and fulfilling one is very satisfying. I'm finally moving some of my long-standing, but stagnant retirement funds into more profitable things. And that has helped me to feel very accomplished, despite my continuing feeling of having so much more work to do!

It's been a long time since I have had a chance to just sit back and enjoy all the wonderful things I have put together for myself. I think this coming weekend will be the perfect time to do just that. I won't go anywhere, I won't promise to help anyone tackle their challenges. I'll throttle back, watch some tv, wash my car, cook something special, and enjoy my bright and positive living situation for once!

I am the type that struggles with feeling guilty when I'm not buringing every ounce of my ability to achieve something bigger. I think I've finally gotten to a spot where enough things are working themselves out that I can give myself permission to chill for one weekend. That in itself is a big accomplishment.

Thursday and Friday were stressful days.

I'm grateful that stress doesn't seem to be a trigger for me, and still no followup outbreaks. I was once very fearful that I would no longer be able to handle stress due to risk of triggering an outbreak, but those fears were totally unfounded. I have much to be thankful for.

The girlfriend had a combination of her phone and car nearly crap out and she decided it was time to replace both. A big endeavor for most, and even more so for her. Then her cell provider blindsided her with a huge bill for a new plan they snuck in without communication.

Needless to say, I was a victim of her rightous vengeance for a while, haha! But I remained positive and supportive and things settled down as we made progress on researching new options together.

There is a minor lesson for me to take note of here, communication and a little patience vand understanding go a long way. Being able to weather the storm of someone else's bad day, but maintain a sympathetic and supportive attitude is an important talent to bring to the table. Sure enough that the shoe will be on the other foot just as often. So give as much as you would hope to get.

Well, anyway.

After hammering out some serious research and cost comparison and budgeting while enduring the intermittent cries of frustration and despair, we came up with a plan and started pulling the metaphorical trigger on one item of our checklist at a time. Things are coming together well. But damn if it wasn't a lot of pressure to be precise and quick!

I am yet again assured that herpes has no bearing on who I am, or what I can accomplish. Even if it is just pricing out discounts and budgets.

By the way, for you ladies:

If you can calculate a budget, price out major purchases like a car including discounts and intrest on a loan, and execute the checklist you develop to get the thing done, you're a special kind of woman indeed!

Doing all that with my girlfriend, seeing her flex her smarts and exercise some reasonable financial decision making was actually both very refreshing and very reassuring. It's a rare set of skills in my own personal relationship experiences, and made me feel very confident that I had chosen a woman who can handle adversity, accept the bad news, and mitigate fallout. All with just a little sideline style encouragement.

If you can do all that, you're a catch for sure!

If you can't, get some practice by getting familiar with Excel and plugging in your monthly bills and expenses.

Of course, I tangent my own tangent.

Bottom line:

Don't waste your time mourning the loss of a part of yourself you never actually had taken away.

Communicate well and be empathetic with people close to you.

Be blunt, but kind.

Handle herpes like my girlfriend handled her less than ideal circumstances these past couple of days:

Vent to someone who cares about you, listen to their reassurances, accept their offers to help, take their help and amplify it with your own honest best effort.

Make an actionable plan based on a checklist of tasks to perform.

Stick to the checklist and do the damn thing!

You might not be able to change certain aspects of your situation, but you can mitigate damage before it happens, you can make changes you need in order to steer yourself toward a better future.

And, as always, put both hands on the situation and steer it the way you want it to go. You'll end up on a better path than if you had done nothing 100% of the time.

Hope you all are finding some things to enjoy this summer.

I know it's hard for many in the community.

I've been giving my brother and a few old buddies from previous jobs similar advice as what I often give here.

About self-image, self-respect, seeing the good qualities you have, trying to do right by you and yours.

I find there are a lot of ways that life beats good people down.

There are a lot of sources of frustration, anger and sadness.

The only difference between someone who overcomes quickly and someone who struggles for years is how they see themself and their future.

For those who fall victim to self-defeatism and who believe that they don't deserve the future they want, overcoming hardship can be a long and miserable process.

This seems to be the most common stage of dealing with struggle that people get stuck in.

The earlier stage being accepting the situation and the implications in the first place. Some will transition through this in a day, others in several years. It's a matter of having the courage to admit what the bad news is to yourself.

The later stage is deciding how you want yourself to be and how you want your life to go. Then, deciding how to get there. Deciding that you will get there.

So, when you find yourself struggling to deal, or feeling fear for your future.

Take a step back and contemplate why.

Accept the hard facts without putting up mental barriers around yourself that might not truely exist.

Then, decide what is important to you and prioritize those things.

Finally, do what you must to regain your self-respect and pride so that you can find the courage and the strength to use those good qualities you have to make the changes you need.

It's easier said than done, but it is how you will overcome.

Not just HSV, but a lot of hardships are overcome this way.

In that process lies a thousand small milestones along the way, and a thousand other methods for dealing and carrying forward. But that's the general idea.

Thanks for writing down your journey. I have been through ups and downs since I found out about having H. I also have the fear of shaving. I fear intimacy and I rather not anymore cause that outbreak I had scared the Crap out of me. I found out for me that going to YouTube channels and watching funny things has helped me. There are times at work when I think about this but I try to distract my mind. I just want to tell you and anybody reading this that we have to remember that we only have 1 life here on earth not 2. This virus is horrible but we have 1 life here on earth. This virus will come and go but we have the opportunity to still wake up and carry on with our days and that's a blessing. I think for me the worst that can happen is one of my family members passing away. I rather go through this physical pain that comes and goes than to have to deal with one of my loved ones passing away. Unfortunately we all will pass away so right now we should enjoy and appreciate the people that loves us and we should learn to love ourselves more.

I totally agree.

There are a lot of bad things that can happen. But if there is any discernable point to living, it would be to do as much good as we can and try to carve out some measure of happiness for ourselves and our loved ones.

It doesn't have to change the world, it's just a little bit at a time.