I'm a 30 year old man who tested positive for HSV 1 and had my first outbreak genitally recently.
I first had symptoms of a UTI, painful urination minutes after the last time my girlfriend and I had sex. I told her about it right away.
2 days later, the painful urination continued and blisters appeared on one side of the shaft of my penis. I flipped out for a few minutes, call ed my girlfriend to inform her and told her to get a test done for herself, then I left work to get tested. 4 days later, the results of the culture were positive.
Today is the first day waking up knowing the bad news. I decided to keep being the great person I am, and not to trouble myself with how I contracted HSV. I'm fortunate that my girlfriend took everything about as well as anyone can, and that she is supportive.
To be perfectly honest, before the test results came back, I considered suicide. Instead of dwelling on the idea, I called my Dad and told him I probably had HSV and needed him to talk to me about anything unrelated, like work. He was great about it and spent time discussing the particulars of our jobs. I felt so much better that I decided to catch up with my brother and my Mom, too. I told each of them, and let them know I don't want HSV to be the main point of discussion. By the time my test results came back, I wasn't in shambles about it. I called the 2 other people I had sex with in the past year or so and left voicemails telling them to get tested. Trust me, leaving those messages was easy once the voicemail beeped, and it made me feel better. Also, saying the words out loud (even for the first time) will not conjure up any bad karma, or break some innocent part of you. Yes, the thought crossed my mind that I never wanted to say the words out loud. If anything, it helped me get my self pity out of the way faster.
Since then, I have had several conversations with my girlfriend about it, and we had a good date tonight. I feel shame and guilt for having HSV, despite never having cheated or slept around, ever. But I won't let it break me, and I won't let it ruin my ability to enjoy good things I have. If anything, I am yet more grateful for the positive things in life.
While I'm still not sure if my girlfriend will want to stick around, 100% honesty has allowed her to keep her freedom to choose, and I think she appreciates that. I have told her I will understand if she gets mad about it, even mad at me, and wants to vent, or more likely, that she feels like I'm not worth the risk (however slight the statistics make it seem). So far, she has been nothing but caring and supportive. I am lucky as hell.
I have a great career and am wrapping up some college classes next month to finish an associate's degree.
HSV doesn't get to decide who I am.
Please consider this:
Always 100% disclose immediately, well before any contact with effected areas, regardless of outbreak status. I won't take away anyone's freedom to decide for themself, no matter the rationale. Someone took my choice away from me and it sucks, I won't be that person. There is no excuse, it's a matter of moral right and wrong. Consent matters, do not remove someone's ability to provide consent. This isn't just a skin condition, it makes people feel bad when they find out they contracted it, and it throws a hell of a curveball into their identity for a while. Please be a decent person and offer those who like you enough to be close with you the ability to choose.
HSV doesn't make anyone a bad person. Diseases don't make demons. Taking away another person's right to consent makes demons.
Thanks to those who read all of this TLDR content. Like everyone, it helps to write the story down where someone else might read it.
What I'm not sure on:
Is it possible that I also have HSV 1 orally and am asymptomatic, despite a pretty clear genital HSV 1 outbreak?
Or would one outbreak tend to aggravate the other?
For those who want to know what a knowledgeable doctor puts an otherwise healthy 30 year old male on as a treatment plan:
What I'm doing now:
Valacyclovir 1000mg x2 daily for 10 days. Then, 500mg x2 daily for 10. Then 500 x1 forever.
Turns out I get high blood pressure from meds if I take it without food, so snacks are cool.
Washing my hands like a surgeon every time I touch my junk to take a piss.
Hand sanitizer, before and after meals, restroom, etc...
Breaking the habit of touching my face at all, ever. Don't need an eye infection too.
Pause on the gym until this outbreak clears fully.
Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex. Not crazy high doses, just a multivitamin type thing.
If you are recently diagnosed, see a primary care physician answer their questions and be honest with them. Then, listen to what they tell you, have them repeat themself if you need, or write stuff down.
If you don't have insurance and are concerned about cost, find a doctor who will work with you. They aren't crooks, most doctors care and want to do good.
What I'm going to do:
Focus on goals and dreams I have always had.
Show appreciation for the people I have told and their support.
If my girlfriend leaves me: I won't get mad, she has the basic human right to decide. 100% disclosure immediately, well before contact with affected areas can happen. Yeah, that means lots of loneliness, rejection, and probably some sadness.
If contemplation of suicide returns, or depression bears down: group therapy, counseling.
Day 3 update:
I had been planning to tell my girlfriend I love her for probably 2 or 3 weeks now.
Unfortunately, I had trouble finding a good time to do it. Then I found out I was having some strange symptoms and put the idea on pause. When I tested H+, I knew I couldn't tell her I loved her while also disclosing right away because it would seem like a desparate attempt to convince her to stay with me.
So, I had to wait on it yet longer. Going through the emotions and being strong and supportive for her, just like she was doing for me.
Finally, it felt like she had gotten enough time to think about it clearly, and decided to stick with me herself. I thanked her for being so good to me and for helping me deal. Then I finally got to tell her I love her!
She knew I meant it, and knew it wasn't a ploy to convince her not to leave me.
She knew because I had been so honest from the day we started talking, through noticing there might be a problem for me, when I was sure I had a problem, and when I was diagnosed.
Honesty, yo.
Honesty counts above all else.
I got to tell my girlfriend I love her because I never hid anything from her. Especially when it might be a deal breaker for her, I told her everything right away.
While it never crossed my mind to hide the problem when I was realizing what was wrong, I do realize I could have probably tried to hide it. And we talked about that fact.
If I had tried to hide it, she would have known something was off. She would have asked, and it would have been devastating for her to find out that way. Or worse, that we had continued to have sex, or I had avoided it with clever excuses.
If that had been the case, she definitely would have left me. She would have been heartbroken, and I would have never gotten to tell her I loved her in a way that she knew it was true.
Honesty. Immediate, unfiltered honesty gave me the chance to tell her. And it gave me the chance to hear her say it, too.
If you need a reason to disclose, there you go.
You can be honest and happy, or sneaky and sad.
Yesterday should have been day 8.
Day 9 update:
I didn't want to post about negativity and sadness.
Don't read on unless you are prepared to get a little depressed.
Woke up today to a text from my girlfriend asking me to call her. She wanted to talk about H stuff.
It got me in a pretty miserable mood, and I was feeling really down.
Not her fault, but it was hard to get myself motivated to take on the day.
Thankfully, my brother happened to need a hand with getting some of his errands knocked out, so I offered to help. That made me feel a lot better about things.
I think about herpes a lot. Every time I talk to my girlfriend. Every time I see someone I am attracted to. Before I fall asleep. Every time I use the bathroom or the shower.
I'm afraid to shave my pubic hair, which used to be part of normal daily hygiene. I'm afraid I might be shedding the virus on my razor and spread the infection. So I haven't shaved in weeks.
It's infuriating, depressing, miserable.
I took a shower before heading into work like I always do.
I looked at my razor and thought, "nope. Thats risky"
I washed my hands after washing my junk and literally broke down.
I'm terrified.
I'm ashamed.
I am afraid of touching my dick and spreading the virus accidentally, even just to wash myself in the shower.
I run through the math constantly:
HSV 1 sheds for about a total of 2 weeks through a year.
If I shave every day until (assuming I live to be 60), I will statistically spread the virus 60 weeks, or 420 times possibly while shaving.
In a relationship, I had no reason not to have sex every day. Now I'm terrified by that desire.
420 random lots to spread the virus over 30 years
The math, and knowing that I know what it means is reassuring that at least I am aware.
But the chances of it actually happening if I don't heed the warning the math provides results in 100% chance of making things worse.
That's why I break down.
I am afraid of touching myself, when I used to be proud of my body. I had hammered myself into shape that I loved.
I am miserable now.
Day 12 update:
My mind shifts back and forth pretty frequently.
I am able to feel how I used to feel about myself occasionally, which feels good.
I don't know if it's apparent, and that I'm being redundant, but:
Precision is important to me. Excellence is important to me.
I dwell on all of my many errors long enough that I am probably guilty of being hard on myself to the point that it's weird and not really an advantage.
Coding (in the computer programming sense of the word) is all about it. Troubleshooting is all about it. Computers are all about it.
Precision and excellence.
When a machine or a computer is not precise and excellent, we notice immediately.
When your work computer runs into a snag, it makes you impatient and probably angry if it happens regularly.
When an app on your phone crashes, you feel betrayed.
You expect everything to work as advertised, and when the lines of code don't break down into logical instructions properly, you feel let down.
I expect the same from myself. I feel the same about myself.
That only part of the whole deal, but that's something that took me a while to feel for long enough that I was able to put it into words.
Herpes is now a permanent problem, and I feel imperfect.
Obviously, I was very much imperfect before, but it was always in ways I could change. I could go to the gym, eat better, study harder, commit more time to work, help others, break my bad habits, become more social, become more friendly, be more honest, be more open, try harder, learn from mistakes.
I never stopped. Every inch of improvement added onto the last and I always had much further to go.
Herpes can't stop all of that, but
It will always be the source of imperfection I can't fundamentally change through will power and effort.
What a new problem to have.
I think about how so many people clearly find reassurance that they could change or maybe one day will change something they don't like about themself.
I think about how the things I have changed about myself have made me feel like I was becoming the person I want to be.
I think my reassurance, personally, is that I was never so naive that I actually thought I'd be complete. That I will always be working to change things about myself.
So, herpes will always be a thing I don't like about myself. There will always be other things I don't like about myself that I'm working on, or planning to work on next (when I get the hang of keeping what came before it in check). While, unlike my nervous habit of picking at my fingernails, or my inability to be friendly and open with people, I will never change that I have herpes. But that will just be one more thing that isn't excellent.
Today's update is extremely personal in that I don't expect anyone else to identify with most of it.
I hope that isn't off putting, but I can guarantee this isn't the first time I have been that.
I have been the changes I have made in myself. Intentionally.
Herpes is a change I didn't choose.
But I said it a few days ago, and didn't think about it until writing this post:
"Change isn't synonymous with loss."
Day 14 update:
2 weeks since the day I first woke up, knowing I have herpes.
My coworkers seem to notice that I'm out of my minor slump. I don't think I actually slipped as much as I had felt like I was. Reviewing what I had actually missed or not accomplished and the list was:
Nothing.
I failed to respond to 1 email, asking if I was up to date on paperwork I had already submitted. Not even a thing!
And I thought I was way behind on all sorts of things I had needed to do!
The psychological impact of herpes really is a monster, but it's not an end to anything, really.
I can still use stress to fuel my ambition (probably thanks to valacyclovir and the support from this forum, and the people close to me).
Now I'm about to go on this buisness trip and really test how hard I can push myself. Worst case scenario, I won't be a prodigy, I might have symptoms and will throttle back to get more sleep. That's not going to be terrible. Disappointing, maybe, but in no way would it put my career at risk.
I think my struggle to control my thoughts and mood so that I can keep working and doing school work helped to work my mindset into a more positive state (minus a few really negative days...), and I think that also probably helped me heal more quickly from my first outbreak.
Stress to perform, stress to achieve are different brands than stress about health and identity.
Of course, them medication helped a lot on both fronts:
Valacyclovir provided some really rapid results, and also acted as a security blanket that I would be okay long term.
My updates are going to probably become less frequent while I'm traveling, but I plan to continue to write these updates. It has been helpful in working through some difficult emotions and moods.
I know it's all a lot of TLDR content.
Maybe someone will read this and be assured that what they are feeling isn't crazy. Maybe they will identify with some of the changes my state of mind has gone through, and feel more confident that herpes won't ruin them.
I'm honestly still nervous about shaving my pubic hair, but I'm determined that I will shave it eventually as a matter of principle. Unless I learn that shaving is rediculously risky. I haven't researched it yet.
@misslistless
Thank you for the feedback! I never thought my own rambling would make any difference.
Terrible to have so much inner turmoil going on during the holidays. Not that it's much easier any other time of year. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this anyway.
I am definitely familiar with the sudden bouts with depression. I found myself feeling like I never knew what thought or what circumstance would bring me down.
Rest assured that you will regain your pride, and you have tons of achievements and success ahead of you. Constantly seeking self improvement inherently comes with a lot of disapointments, but if you live that lifestyle already, you are familiar with facing the bitter reality of your own abilities (or lack thereof). I took a lot of comfort in realizing that there are many things I will never achieve perfection with in my own mind, and this is just another thing I won't attack and destroy.
Think of it more like managing cardio: there are things you can do to help, but you're never going to be perfect all the time (age, illness, lack of getting outside and running every day).
Just don't take it as defeat.
I am fortunate in having a very kind and supportive relationship, if I can find that, anyone can.
For me now, only a few months after finding out, I still get down about it sometimes however I have so much success and good things to look back on already!
You'll see, it won't make an ounce of difference in the long run!
Update on the second out break:
I'm still uncomfortable most of the time, but it isn't painful. It might be more psychological than physical at this point, though.
TMI:
If you have symptoms in the anus area, I'd recommend staying away from spicy foods, haha!
Anyway, I had a really awesome Christmas with my girlfriend, and I spent the holiday sharing good memories and reflecting on all the many things I have to be grateful for.
Herpes is no longer a major subject of thought for me, but it has changed some things. I chose not to let it define me, and it doesn't!
@RegularGuy
I hope you won't mind if I use you as a sounding board, for some reason through all of your posts here I feel fairly comfortable to do so. I finally had some positivity come through yesterday, day 5 into my life with GHSV1. I've realized that much of my agony comes from my own judgments that I didn't realize I had, rooted of course in the judgments of my family. It truly does bring me comfort to see that someone else, a few months into their journey with genital herpes, has regained some control over their feelings and the virus hasn't completely taken over their life. I finally started to show myself some kindness instead of being so harsh and picking apart my brain for the 'how did this happen'.
I am actually in a relationship with someone right now, and similar to yours when you were diagnosed it is quite new - about 2 months old. It's unclear if I acquired this from him or my ex - I've only had 2 partners in my life. At first we were fairly certain I got it from my current boyfriend, but upon realizing he'd confused cold sores with canker sores he's decided to get tested to be sure. He's been wonderful - hasn't exhibited an ounce of judgment or anger or disdain. He told me that regardless of whether he's positive or negative, he wants to continue to pursue our relationship. There's the toughest part, the clearest example of my self-loathing - I haven't been able to believe him. It's inconceivable to me that anyone would be willing to take the risk.
That being said, like I mentioned earlier in this post, I found some positivity yesterday. I've begun to understand, in no small part due to your postings, that this doesn't define me or my worth as a person/partner. Any disease or illness of my body should invite gentility and kindness from myself instead of anger and self-punishment. And plus, exhibiting more love toward myself has certainly been far less painful than the other.
Regarding your second outbreak:
I'm happy to hear it isn't too terrible, my first outbreak was unbelievably mild and healed within 5 days of the treatment. I'm somewhat fearful that since I got lucky the first go around, my second will be much less forgiving. Of course, everyone is different and I know I can't predict my experience based off of others' but still, I'm glad to see it isn't affecting you too badly. I am going to take your suggestion and speak to my doctor about taking suppressive medication for the first year, especially if it turns out my partner is negative.
@misslistless
It's good to know you are so aware of your mental process! Your strong resolve and positivity will absolutely have a big impact on your relationship!
I have mentioned before, but it bares repeating that you should also be aware that the first person that accepts you as you are, knowing your diagnosis generally is the subject of a skewed level of gratitude. If things are good in all the important aspects of relationship for you, give yourself permission to enjoy it! However, if you find yourself balancing controlling or malicious behavior on their part with the fact that they accept your condition, take a step back and evaluate if the relationship is a good one. I went through a couple of weeks of uncertainty with this, but the woman I am with consistently demonstrates so many positive qualities, my doubt was quickly dissolved.
Your decision to seek suppressive therapy is a good one in my opinion, fear is a very powerful thing, and has a big impact on daily life. Fearing the next out break is a real problem at this stage for you, and the security blanket style peace of mind offered by medication (in addition to all of the other benefits) has been a consistent help for me personally. I think most people who first get diagnosed would benefit from gaining a little comfort from "at least doing something about it" by taking a daily pill.
Regarding your boyfriend's test results, it may help to decide that either way, you won't hold on to anger or fear. I was admittedly upset with my girlfriend's results, and it caused more anger and doubt than I can describe. But she remained honest, supportive and thoughtful, regardless of the tough line of questions I had to throw at her. Since then, we have made it a point that it is okay to talk about herpes, but that it should not be a defining facet of our day to day. We seem to naturally balance herpes conversations with intentionally turning the subject to something positive and fun before we part ways. This is a really good system, it can be as simple as pointing out something about the other person that you really like once you have concluded your venting about the disease.
Overall, I have to tell you that I am impressed, and I know that you have all of the tools and abilities you need to steer your thoughts in a positive direction to get yourself feeling "normal" again. When things get tough, and you begin to despair, remember to imagine the future and to make it a future where you have herpes, but it doesn't stop you from being the awesome person you always have been!
Update on the second out break:
What I thought was herpes round 2: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Edition
May actually be something else entirely.
The only reason any of this might be relevant is whether it is indeed a follow-up out break, or if I simply assumed and my assumption prevented me from seeing a doctor sooner.
Bottom line up front:
If stuff starts happening, see a doctor, don't just assume herpes is being different.
Had a surprising amount of blood in my stool today. I don't think herpes tends to bleed, and I am concerned that it may be some sort of cancer like issue, as my family has a consistent history of cancer, polyps, tumors, precancerous cells, etc.
For those who aren't familiar with the connection here:
A tumor, polyp, or cancerous mass may develop in your colon. It can cause itching, discomfort, pain, and eventually develop blood vessels in it which are prone to breaking and causing bleeding during a visit to the ol' throne room.
Going to the doctor either today or tomorrow to get it checked out.
I seem to have a knack for developing life-threatening conditions around the beginning of the year. Last time was 2014: infected tonsils that progressed from perfectly fine to emergency surgery overnight. Apparently the little bastards were going to kill me via sepsis in a matter of hours, if not for the hero of a doctor having driven an hour out of his way, on his way home after a shift in the pediatric hospital, through a rainstorm, to come perform surgery while I sat upright in a chair with local anesthetic and I coughed blood back at him uncontrollably every few seconds, and no assistance from the emergency room staff.
If you ever wondered where a appreciation for life, and a need to make the most of each day comes from, that would be one way to get it, haha! I marked my calendar, 1/1/2014, RegularGuy died today, if not for a highly skilled surgeon.
Seems like I'm not going through anything so immediately deadly, but I'm not exactly "in fighting shape". It's enough that I would not be surprised if the doctor informed me that I was being scheduled for surgery right away, but I also wouldn't be surprised if they tell me it is in fact just a symptom of herpes and send me on my way.
I'm not too terribly stressed about it because even if it is something cancerous, it's not as sudden a death as sepsis from infection, but it ranks as faster than heart failure from age, so I am not taking it lightly.
Anyway,
Hope everyone had a decent new year celebration. The girlfriend and I went to dinner at a nice place, and I passed out at home on the sofa before the ball dropped at midnight, successfully disappointing her, haha! Oops!
Well, you won't do everything you meant to, and a lot of the things you do won't be perfect. It's still worth trying.
Happy 2018!
Update still month 5:
The supposed second out break was just a case of hemorrhoids. This is the price I pay for being old and out of shape and thinking I could push myself on the squat rack like I'm 25, haha!
Weightlifters, clench that booty and breathe!
The good news is it's healing up, so I'm lucky. It could have been worse if I had kept lifting and ignored the doctor. For now, I'm keeping the weights low and focused on cardio. The treadmill is the bulk of my exercise now, and that's probably better for long term health than big plates on a big bar. I still want to lift again, but it's not a bad thing.
You may have read that my blood pressure was kind of high. Cardio will help.
If you are interested in some advice on exercise, great!
Get on the treadmill. Resist the urge to set the incline and grab the handles, that will only slow your progress. Instead, focus on setting a heart rate goal. 80 beats per minute for 5, 10, or 15 minutes is a great spot to start if you are in need of some rehabilitation from injury (or having a desk job, as is my case, haha!) 100 BPM for 10 minutes is a great goal to hit, that will tax your diaphragm, legs, metabolism, and vascular system to keep oxygen flowing and remove lactic acid. If you are an average joe or jane, with no complicating factors and good overall health, this will get you results. The end goal should be based on your age and general health. Young, healthy individuals can usually expect to work up to heart rates over 120BPM for 10min, that's where sweat and exhaustion should start becoming normal for you and you will probably feel the desire to push yourself in total run time / distance.
As for distance, set small goals. At first, just walking a half mile might feel taxing. That's okay. Focus on keeping your heart rate where you want it.
If you know you can run pretty well, shoot for a mile. Set an easy pace and time yourself. Use that benchmark and how you feel afterward to gauge your next run.
Personally, I am 30 and shooting for a 10:30min 1.5mile run. It's not superhuman, but it has taken me about a year to get there. My heart rate is still higher at the finish than I want it to be. So, I switch it up. Some days I go slower for longer. Some days I start with a sprint and go shorter.
Things are looking up for me this year. Herpes really isn't much of a thing. I go entire days without thinking about it, and I haven't been down about it in a couple of weeks! Woo!
7 months, apparently.
I'm not sure how accurate my count is anymore. And that's a good thing.
Want to know what is a bigger deal than herpes for me right now?
It might put the whole virus into perspective.
1. Moving. It's stressful.
2. I have to work a couple of extra shifts when I'd really rather chill and work on my book some more. Got some ideas for revisions, so no that's a thing.
3. Just saw a trailer for a movie that has similar components to my book. Now the anxiety monkey that rides my back all day is trying to convince me that there is no more room in the market for my story. Actively trying to defeat point 2 without negating the stress? Clever, Mr. Anxiety Monkey. Clever.
Yeah, seriously that's all a bigger deal to me these days than Herpes.
That's progress! I'm really glad that I got the help I needed to pull myself together and keep living as hard as I can!
All this may sound like bragging, but I do have a good point to make:
You can get to feel like yourself again. You can enjoy the things that you have always enjoyed. You can go back to worrying about "nornal" stuff.
Talk to someone about what's getting to you. Just knowing someone read / heard what you have to say can be really helpful.
Take it easy on yourself when you need some slack. Perfection isn't a thing that actually exists, it's a goal to shoot for sometimes. If you are struggling to like yourself, now is probably not the time to try to be perfect.
Be hard on yourself when you need to be. That contradicts the last point, but it's true. If you have to drag your self kicking and screaming towards your recovery / self acceptance, do it.
Be good to other people. They won't always be super grateful, but a small amount of feeling like you did a good thing can help pull you out of a slump.
Be good to yourself. Do things that make your life go the way you want it to. That might be as simple as remembering to run the dishwasher at the end of the day, or as complex as hounding yourself to chase achievement at work / school / hobbies. If you know what you need, what will help give you that x-factor to help you wake up in a positive mood in the morning, do it. Be proud that you can do it.
That all sounds like the usual rigamarole, but there is no secret to it. There is no trick, magic spell, or voodoo to it.
Life is about that slow, incremental progress. It might not feel like you gain a lot of ground every day.But when I look back 7 months, I am fortunate to get to feel like I have done good things and made lots of progress toward feeling that elusive contentment with how things are, and where they are going.
8ish month update:
Life is seriously all about that slow, incremental progress. Anything worth while tends to be that way.
Learn one lesson.
Gain one skill.
Do it better next time.
Find another method.
Evaluate what you did, how it worked out and what you can do differently.
Once you know what to do, keep cranking at it until the damn thing is done.
I wish I could take my own advice better, haha!
I'm impatient, I change my mind 99% of the way to completion of a goal and I stomp my foot and pout about wanting things to be different.
But I do one thing right.
I refuse to lie to myself. I don't take excuses as justification for giving myself a break.
If I don't like my waistline, it's because I gave myself too much leeway on snacks and skipped out on the crunches. There is no two ways about it, whether age or genetics made it just a little harder this year than last.
That's how I treat myself in my own head.
It might be tyrannical. It might be a little harsh. To some.
But for me, it's just what I need.
There is a fearful, weak, sorry sack of lazy garbage lurking deep within me. He occasionally tries to justify initiating an argument with a loved one, or to justify cutting corners on the job.
I don't need to feel ashamed of it. That's a part of human nature.
I just need to identify when it's leading into some form of unhealthy or destructive train of thought. Then take action to get things back in line with how I choose for them to be.
Being diagnosed with herpes gave fuel to that part of me and it threatened to drag my entire syche down with it.
I was ashamed to think that way so readily.
The shame I felt over thinking that way fed the part of me that could undermine me.
What an epic battle against the perfect enemy, huh?
It's like the cliche battle against the evil twin from TV. Only it's not a cliche when you find your instincts and your fears turned into the most prevailant part of your mind. It's pretty depressing in reality.
How did I wrangle all that inner termoil into place again?
I'm not really sure I could put it into words.
I can give examples of my actions and my thoughts, but I can't describe the method or the mood.
Refusing to act on ideas formed by that unlikable part of me was a big factor in regaining my sense of self.
Idenifying what was an acceptable deciding factor and what was self-pity was another contributor.
It takes time to influence such a subconscious beast. It doesn't understand words, and it doesn't care much for reality. It turns reflexive thoughts into depressing notions and dreams into anxiety-feeding weirdness. Only consistent behavior and an intentional mindset can really have any effect when that part of your mind starts trying to make the decisions.
Even though the song is way over played and I actually kind of hate Incubus, their song "Drive" kind of hits the nail on the head.
When I look back on my biggest regrets and the most terrible things I struggled through, herpes actually doesn't rank very high on the list.
Now, I don't suggest that anyone ever make an ordered list of things they feel bad about. Especially not when they're feeling down. But I woke up today remembering some really difficult things either because they still get to me in my dreams sometimes, or because it's just one of those days.
I'm filled with reslove and strength, much in spite of the bad times I've had. Sometimes, when I have nothing else to hold onto for fuel to carry on, the memory of the bad times and the desire to be successful and happy in spite of them becomes that fuel.
I remember the fist fights, hopless and painful. The accidents, the injustice, the times I had been a victim, when I had to take the lesser of two bad options, the foot-in-mouth, the utter selfishness and vanity that ruined things that could have been happy memories, the fuitility, and the pain, and the regret.
I remember all of those things so clearly from the despiration and pain that came with them. I could relive each moment if I focused my mind on it.
But looking back from here, herpes ranks a mild 5 out of 10 on the regret, pain and despair scale.
There are a lot of things that lead to my contracting herpes that I don't regret, many of them lead to the same outcome. The fact is true that if I had stayed who I was, I wouldn't be who I am. And I like who I am much better than any other me I have ever been.
Sure, sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, or better yet, be there for my younger self. I'd probably start in 1997.
But things being what they were, and taking each day as a new one where I get to make a new set of choices was all I can ever do. And I have always been pretty good at that. I never did make the same mistake twice when it comes to life lessons.
It's easy to look back with regret and nothing very valuable comes from it, unless you use it to change the kind of choices you make going forward. But once that decision to conduct yourself differently has been made, there is no reason to look back anymore.
Because what is ahead of you and how you handle it will soon begin to define who you are. Good choices, ones that protect you from danger, protect your loved ones, help you achieve goals and make you feel good about yourself are all ahead of you.
Rather than list out what makes you angry, sad, or regretful, Make a tally of the things you want to have happen in the future, big and small. Make a list of things you need to do to make those things happen. List what you have to change about your conduct and what you should keep doing.
Dwelling on pain and feeling self pitty is just one small part of healing and becoming who you will be. Don't dwell for too long, it'll just drive you crazy or make you depressed.
Things are good these days!
I'm on a new diet. Very little bread and dairy, replaced with more beans, fruit and veggies.
It's not exactly paleo, but it is working really well for me. After much research and self reflection, I decided to take my own advice and make a lifestyle change regarding diet. 3 weeks in and it's already helping me to have more energy, lean out some hard to sculpt areas and I've got another small measure of my pride back.
I'm still working out the same as always and I can see that I'm getting better results after having started being more careful about what I eat. That combined with the fact that the diet seems easily sustainable makes it a big win for me!
Herpes continues to be one of my least concerns. I find myself imvesting more research and time into hobbies I have always enjoyed, which is really great. I get to feel like myself consistently, without suffering painful reminders of herpes everywhere I look. I think about it when I mean to, and I don't think about it when I don't have to.
I've also been spending a lot of time researching investing for retirement. Thinking about the future and all the ways I can make sure that it will be a financially sound, happy and fulfilling one is very satisfying. I'm finally moving some of my long-standing, but stagnant retirement funds into more profitable things. And that has helped me to feel very accomplished, despite my continuing feeling of having so much more work to do!
It's been a long time since I have had a chance to just sit back and enjoy all the wonderful things I have put together for myself. I think this coming weekend will be the perfect time to do just that. I won't go anywhere, I won't promise to help anyone tackle their challenges. I'll throttle back, watch some tv, wash my car, cook something special, and enjoy my bright and positive living situation for once!
I am the type that struggles with feeling guilty when I'm not buringing every ounce of my ability to achieve something bigger. I think I've finally gotten to a spot where enough things are working themselves out that I can give myself permission to chill for one weekend. That in itself is a big accomplishment.
Thursday and Friday were stressful days.
I'm grateful that stress doesn't seem to be a trigger for me, and still no followup outbreaks. I was once very fearful that I would no longer be able to handle stress due to risk of triggering an outbreak, but those fears were totally unfounded. I have much to be thankful for.
The girlfriend had a combination of her phone and car nearly crap out and she decided it was time to replace both. A big endeavor for most, and even more so for her. Then her cell provider blindsided her with a huge bill for a new plan they snuck in without communication.
Needless to say, I was a victim of her rightous vengeance for a while, haha! But I remained positive and supportive and things settled down as we made progress on researching new options together.
There is a minor lesson for me to take note of here, communication and a little patience vand understanding go a long way. Being able to weather the storm of someone else's bad day, but maintain a sympathetic and supportive attitude is an important talent to bring to the table. Sure enough that the shoe will be on the other foot just as often. So give as much as you would hope to get.
Well, anyway.
After hammering out some serious research and cost comparison and budgeting while enduring the intermittent cries of frustration and despair, we came up with a plan and started pulling the metaphorical trigger on one item of our checklist at a time. Things are coming together well. But damn if it wasn't a lot of pressure to be precise and quick!
I am yet again assured that herpes has no bearing on who I am, or what I can accomplish. Even if it is just pricing out discounts and budgets.
By the way, for you ladies:
If you can calculate a budget, price out major purchases like a car including discounts and intrest on a loan, and execute the checklist you develop to get the thing done, you're a special kind of woman indeed!
Doing all that with my girlfriend, seeing her flex her smarts and exercise some reasonable financial decision making was actually both very refreshing and very reassuring. It's a rare set of skills in my own personal relationship experiences, and made me feel very confident that I had chosen a woman who can handle adversity, accept the bad news, and mitigate fallout. All with just a little sideline style encouragement.
If you can do all that, you're a catch for sure!
If you can't, get some practice by getting familiar with Excel and plugging in your monthly bills and expenses.
Of course, I tangent my own tangent.
Bottom line:
Don't waste your time mourning the loss of a part of yourself you never actually had taken away.
Communicate well and be empathetic with people close to you.
Be blunt, but kind.
Handle herpes like my girlfriend handled her less than ideal circumstances these past couple of days:
Vent to someone who cares about you, listen to their reassurances, accept their offers to help, take their help and amplify it with your own honest best effort.
Make an actionable plan based on a checklist of tasks to perform.
Stick to the checklist and do the damn thing!
You might not be able to change certain aspects of your situation, but you can mitigate damage before it happens, you can make changes you need in order to steer yourself toward a better future.
And, as always, put both hands on the situation and steer it the way you want it to go. You'll end up on a better path than if you had done nothing 100% of the time.
