The bittersweetness of grief

0:01All right so back for another installment day three um it's good to be here again and um wanted to wanted to talk about the fact that I'm first of all I'm I'm more ing the relationship but in like this sweet way like we'll still have moments where now yesterday we were fighting a little bit and um I got triggered she got triggered and that's normal and and that's okay I I want that to be okay and then we have these moments where we catch each other's eyes and it's beautiful cuz we're we're seeing each other like really seeing each other and and we smile and and it's those moments that um where I'm I'm grieving ...

1:28... in a sweet way like I'm going to miss you and it's really clear that both of us are on the same page that it's over so it's this really interesting Dynamic that's being created of like us still living together and loving each other and clear that the relationship won't work and a little bit of it feels like we're still together because we do the same things we still act the same to each other and we both know it's ending soon so Bittersweet and just really like thankful and appreciative of what our relationship was and is and and what it's changing into as a friendship both really wanting a friendship and it's the first time first of all it's the first time that I've ever lived with a woman it's the first time that I've ever um really loved and Been Loved by a woman so deeply and there's so much to be thankful for in ...

3:06... that I I can't see my life not having her in it and normally breakups will go the road of blowing up at each other you know yelling and calling each other all sorts of horrible names and you know just so it's easier to make the breakup happen and this is not that way this has been it has it's had its moments of both of us being angry and triggering each other like I said but it hasn't been it hasn't been like my past breakups have been in the slightest it's been the opposite so on the other side of that like I'm starting to to see my future and getting back into the dating scene and it is both exciting like the possibility of ex ex like of of of meeting someone new and going through that whole dating procedure procedure it sounds so clinical um but going through dating and the excitement of getting to know someone new it's really exciting and there's that old familiar fear of am I going to be accepted am I going to be loved and there's this part of me that's like well you know I I help other ...

4:45... people feel acceptable and feel lovable having herpes and now it's now it's my turn and you know like what is there's a there's still a block it's not as big as it once was but it's still there it's still that old familiar voice of no one's going to love you no one's going to accept you and what I'm reminded of is when I was at ecstatic dance on Sunday and noticing all of those layers of judgment that I where I judge myself oh you're you're dancing that way to impress people or you know like all of those voices that come up that try to take me away from just my present experience and and feeling what I'm feeling in the moment those voices try to keep me safe so I'm reminded of that in this moment too where in ecstatic Dance I got to love that voice I got to use those edges that I would bump up against as growing opportunities as opportunities to get to know myself better and to see where I judge myself so I could actually love myself instead and of course you know there are so many parallels in ...

6:11... life you know ecstatic dance can actually be like where I am right now considering going back into the dating scene and and judging myself like can I do it and this is where I get to actually love myself and even love that voice and say thanks for trying to keep me safe but I'm ready and I'm excited and and yeah scared but it's all wrapped up with excitement and I'm glad that whoever's watching this is on the ride with me and thanks for our community and it just really feels good to have people who are connecting with one another and appreciating one another so until tomorrow