Day 5:

Mixing emotions like paint

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Hello so what is this day five um I'm doing okay today I hope you're doing well um last night I had a a really good time with my friend uh Nicole and she's going to be co- facilitating the herpeses opportunity seminar with me super excited about that I went over the outline with her and um started getting inspired by planning out what's going to be happening beyond the seminar too so um just inspired by life and and where it's where it's headed um and still have this underlying sadness too um somehow that like I want to I want to make wrong it's not it's not okay that I'm sad I'm trying to shake off the sadness so sitting with that more and more um and allowing that to mix in with the joy and the excitement and my friend Jess the other day said it really well of she was talking about how when two ...

... when two people um interact and wherever one person is and the other person is emotionally they blend together like two colors of paint so like one person is blue and the other person is yellow and when they interact it becomes green at least I think that's what blue in yeah yeah I had to like I had to check um so that's kind of what's happening in me lately is there's this profound joy and excitement about about the herpes opportunity and and and doing this first ever seminar and the excitement and and fear of that but um there's also the underlying sadness of just what's going on in my life and and the the beautiful sadness and and when those mix together it's almost like this grounded feeling of excitement you know so that's that's cool to actually have them coexist in me and not not make up that if I'm sad it wipes away the ...

... Joy or the excitement so that's cool um and then there's this whole other thing of um singlehood of of being single with herpes um you know one one part of me is like well gosh now now I get to practice what I preach you know I've been in a committed relationship this whole time um and uh it's exciting and it's and and I'm fearful but mostly excited of what's on the horizon and I'm noticing this tendency in me of uh I was actually just telling my my girlfriend well now exgirlfriend yesterday that um I feel this distinct desire to just grab the next woman who's going to be my girlfriend you know like looking around and like okay who's going to be my next girlfriend instead of allowing myself to be single and it's that uh it's almost that codependency kind of a feeling of well I I need a girlfriend in order to be ...

... happy and and I know that that's not true but I'm noticing that tendency in me like okay who's going to who's going to validate me now you know who who out there is going to tell me that I'm okay and that I'm lovable and that I'm enough and what I'm realizing and you know what I've been telling others and now what I'm telling myself is that I'm enough all by myself and I get to tell myself that I'm enough and that I'm lovable and I get to love me as corny as that sounds it's so true I get to love me and noticing all those tendencies in me where I don't love myself it's a huge opportunity for me to sink into that and and see where those parts are where I'm not loving myself and where I'm looking for that external validation like I I want to come from a place of being um of being whole in myself like knowing that I'm whole and wanting a relationship in order to celebrate me and and celebrate this other person in relationship I want I want to come from a place of wanting that and ...

... not needing it I don't need that relationship in order to make me happy or in order to have me feel whole and accepted and loved and and all of that like I I want that for myself first and that's the only way that I can really fully be in relationship with someone else and and offer for them my heart in a full way so that brings me to kind of what I'm what I'm planning like one of the things that I want to do is um especially because of my my tendency to to stay on my computer and you know since I'm a freelancer I can if I'm not if I'm not careful or I'm not I'm not aware enough I'm pretty much chained to my computer um which is why these morning jogs are so important to me to get out into nature first thing in the morning and get reconnected to to this right to get reconnected to why I'm even here because I could I could get changed in my computer there have been plenty of times where I've just spent the whole day inside my own house a change to my ...

... computer so um because I have that tendency I want to actually just go out more and explore if that means going out to you know to a show that interests me or or a movie or the Farmers Market or whatever that happens to be I want to go there because I'm I'm curious about it and I want to check it out and you know I'll um just lost my train of thought oh I'll I'll invite friends you know I'll say Hey you know y'all want to come and uh you know if if friends come great it's a friend a friend outing and if they don't then it's actually an opportunity for me to take myself on a date right um and and just use that as really just like what a date is you know use it as an opportunity for me to get to know myself and uh and just enjoy myself and I ...

... think there's a lot in relationship you know I've been in this relationship for the last three and a half years and I think there's a lot that uh becomes unified in a relationship and I've kind of not fully but a little lost the the Cent trail of what I truly like to do and I want to become um reconnected with that and that means taking myself out on dates and some of the dates I'll you know ask myself hey did you like that no I didn't really like that so much and other dates will be like that was awesome that was totally romantic you blew you blew me away self um and then I'll go make out with myself okay um um so that's yeah that's what I want and uh again it's good to have all of you with me on the ride it feels good than thank you for all the emails of the support and and posting on the Forum and it just it feels good for all of us to participate in each other's lives and get to know one another on a deeper level I think that's what community is ...

... all about so until next time take care of yourself

By Adrial Dale, h Opp Creator

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I'm noticing the multi-faceted experience of what it means to be a fully feeling human. "How are you feeling right now?" can never be truly answered in a word or sentence. We are always a layering of many different emotions, feelings, thoughts and experiences all weaving into one another. If I really take the time and sink into the feelings of what it's like to be me in any given moment, I can sense a rich tapestry of so many seemingly conflicting emotions. Joy and sadness, calm and anger, presence and overwhelm, and everything in between. And the magic is that these emotions don't actually conflict; they overlap, all of these emotions can mix together like paint colors to create brand new vibrant colors and a much richer experience than just "good" or "bad."

I also have been noticing in this breakup the tendency for me to look for the next relationship to save me. To validate me. To fill this perceived hole in my heart. And seeing this allows me to also appreciate that there is an opportunity in being single. That there are pros and cons to both being single and being in relationship. And can I embrace the pros of being single now? Can I embrace all of those thoughts that tell me I'm not enough and nobody is going to love me again? Can I soothe myself through those and dig deeper to find that well of self-acceptance that's been waiting there under the fear? There is no such thing as being perfect, but there is the experience of wholeness. And what does it take to feel truly whole?