Hello everyone,
A little about me I’m in my late twenties and an African American female. I was diagnosed with genital hsv1 about 10 years ago while I was a senior in high school. I was so devastated and embarrassed to learn that I had this disease, especially because of the stigma and ignorance behind it especially in my community and with black people in general. Exploring this forum makes me feel a lot better knowing that I’m not alone and it’s more common that people care to admit. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I sat in the doctors office with lord knows how many painful blisters in my vagina and all the way to my anus. I felt so bad because the doctor made it seem as though almost all black women and men had this disease and hinted towards the fact that I must’ve been promiscuous although i had been with the same guy since 9th grade. I left the doctors office with a prescription and an invisible Scarlett letter on my chest that day, I was so torn and had such low self asteem I stayed with the guy who gave it to me and we soon had a child. Fast forward to 2015 I finally broke things off but have been dealing with the fear of dating because I dread the disclosure talk as well as possibly transmitting this to someone else. I’ve read all the statistics regarding genital hsv1 and I try not to stress as much to prevent having an outbreak. The physical part of having herpes is no where near as bad as the emotional part, I think I’ve had about 7 outbreaks in 10 years and it’s always one small blister in the same spot between my vagina and anus and they usually go away within 4 Days. I recently began taking antivirals although I don’t know if it’s all that helpful with ghsv1 and because I met a new guy that I really like and if we become sexually active I would like to reduce the transmission as much as possible. I’m not sure if we’ll get to that point yet because of my fear of being rejected or telling someone and they go around telling everyone you have herpes. It’s crazy because when I try to bring up herpes with my family and friends I just get shrugs and everyone acts like I’m a leper, it baffles me how statistics shows that herpes is common in the African American community but no one will admit it and acts like it doesn’t affect them. Anyway I feel like I’m rambling lol but I just wanted to share my story and I’d love to hear from anyone who can relate or wants to share anything.
it's called denial. Unfortunately it's apparently more predominant on MEN and that's how a LOT of us got this. By guys thinking "it's just a rash". You are not alone and you being able to accept you have this and educating people about the facts will make a difference. Don't be afraid of making the right choices and telling the guy about your status. Opening up about it dignifies you and shows your true character! Good luck.
@Sunny720 thank you for starting this thread. I was diagnosed with HSV2 in Dec. 2017. I thought dating as a black woman before my diagnosis was difficult enough; now I feel like it's almost impossible. Can't bring myself to respond to men showing an interest because I know that I will have to disclose. In addition to fearing their reactions, I worry that they will gossip about my status to others. I can't deal with the judgment that comes along with being open about my status.
I read an article published in 2010 that said according to the CDC, 50% of black women have herpes. 50%. That number sounds ridiculous, but men don't seem go to the doctor as frequently as women and this is especially true for black men. I think a history of racial bias in the medical community, apathy, mens' tendency to go to the doctor only when something is obviously wrong, and financial barriers to healthcare are big factors. That coupled with the fact that we are the demographic that is least likely to date outside our race means we are catching hell because of it. I do not believe that black women and men are any more promiscuous than any other group. We just tend to have the worst health outcomes and the problem is compounded when you are in an insular community.
Hello! I am new to this forum and have been reading though many of the threads which have been so very helpful!! This particular thread definitely caught my eye because it speaks to me directly. I was recently diagnosed but it is not a new transmission as I have not been with anyone in a year and suddenly had an outbreak. I'm still at a loss and have no idea how to move forward. To your point, this diagnosis holds one of the BIGGEST stigmas on our community that it makes me want to just crawl into a shell forever.
So glad I found this thread.. So I've known for a few months and I was just getting over the hump when my child's father found out. I'm almost certain a relative of. His who works at my doctors office told him. Now I'm ashamed and embarrassed all over again. The crazy part is I know he hasn't been tested for it and has no idea how likely it is that he has it or how it's even transmitted. Because of the stigma I feel so dirty and unworthy even though I know that it's really just one of those things.
Have any of you ladies had any positive experiences disclosing or found ways to work through this? I am a 38 year old single mother with 2 kids. I am currently not dating which is giving me time to cope with this myself before I could ever even think about disclosing this to anyone. I feel like the men in my age group might be the worst at accepting my situation.
I am so sorry to hear about how this was involuntarily disclosed without your consent. That is a such a huge violation.
every disclosure I've had has been positive, or at least what was expected. I told my friends, my mom & sister, and both guys I hooked up with, one of which I'm still dating. I had a hard time at first with the diagnosis for about two weeks before I said fuck it, and moved on. I just really didn't have time to focus on this as being a primary derailer to my life. I was starting graduate school, recently received a promotion at work - I was feeling good. How as I gonna let this virus - unbeknownst to me - make me feel less than? I decided it wasn't. Now, I haven't gone around yelling from the streets I'm team GSHV-2, but the more people I tell, the less a big deal it really is. The more you accept it as part of yourself, the less a controlling factor it becomes and just a part of you..a part..not your whole. I have a post about my disclosure stories if u want more details.
Hello, I just wanted to add to the forum. I am a single black 26 year old female who was just diagnosed about a month ago with genital herpes. I have been doing so much research and am so glad to have found this thread with other black women. I am doing fine, for the most part, aside from slightly obsessively reading and researching but I hope to help bring support and encouraging words to this space. My biggest goal is to continue holding firmly on to the Love I have for myself and understanding that this does not make me any less of who I was/am. I look forward to staying in touch with, and hopefully working to help uplift, all in this thread. ❤️
I’m a 3O year old black female recently diagnosed. I’ve only been with one man in the past six years. Thankfully, he tested negative. He no longer wants to continue a sexual relationship, but he says he wants to be there for me. We’ve been friends for 15 years. I guess this is the first rejection. If a person who knows me better than anyone doesn’t it accept it, how can I expect a person who doesn’t know me at all to accept it. The African American community isn’t accepting. I don’t have the will to do anything. I can barely make it to work. I have crazy headaches at the end of the day from pretending to be ok throughout the day. I immediately come home and go to bed. I dread talking to my friends bc they are only going to ask about my dating life and I don’t know what to say. I honestly and truly wish I were dead.
I wish you did not have to go through what you are currently experiencing emotionally. I myself struggled in the beginning days/weeks and still struggle a bit emotionally, but I think it’s now mainly due to the fact that I am experiencing a change I wasn’t expecting.
I can’t speak on your partner’s decisions, but I can say that my biggest goal at least as I go through this first year is self-acceptance. I believe that if you can get to a place of accepting yourself, of understanding that this is a relatively benign and extremely common condition that does not negatively impact your physical health, then how you discuss it with others—should you choose—will not be from a place of shame or sadness. It is going to be a journey, I’ve accepted that and I’m grateful for spaces like this that exist where we can lift each other up and share knowledge.
Please know that you are a valuable human being worthy of love and kindness and respect. If the social stigma and lack of education around this condition were not what they are I truly believe we’d all be in a better place.
Feel all your emotions, but know that there is no need to be ashamed or feel unworthy. I am sending you many prayers and uplifting energy. Though I’m only a month in, I know things will get better. ❤️
God knew exactly what we all needed in this time, to not feel alone and isolated. I am so thankful for everything you ladies are sharing because until you have gotten to the place of acceptance as @PhoenixRising_009 and @Star28 mentioned it is definitely a daily struggle. Also, thank you for the reference, I will check Belize Spivey out today.
if you wouldn't mind sharing your post on your disclosures, I'm sure that a few of us on here will find it helpful.
please know that I feel your pain, but it has to get better. There is a ying and yang to everything in life. For every guy that is not willing to accept our journey there is one that will. I have to believe that because otherwise I just don't know.
I am looking into going to talk to a therapist to try and work through this. I personally feel like I need all of the support that makes me comfortable at this point. I have not shared this with anyone yet so I just need to maybe say it out loud to someone at least once. I'm just not ready to do that with anyone that knows me personally.
My struggle is a little daunting. I was diagnosed with HSV1 & 2 but the HSV1 is what is giving me the blues physically. I have what feels like a never-ending outbreak around my mouth that is going to drive me to a mental asylum.
Hi Everyone! Just coming by to drop some positive vibes. I know it can be difficult, but I hope you all read this and remember how beautiful and valuable you are ❤️
we come from a history of strong women who have not allowed life to run them. So don’t let this run you, you have the power to control it.
All the love and support and good vibes xxx
Oh goodness no lol. I was actually pretty done with him before this, but it had been a minute and I needed some release.
I'm dating an H- person now, take daily suppression in the morning and that's the last I think about it. I think about my period more thank I think about an outbreak. That being said, I've had time to process and out myself as much or as little as I want. It wasn't my voice to be exposed, but it is my chose to expose others to break the stigma with knowledge.
Once upon a time, society was convinced black people were incapable of obtaining higher education due to ignorance, cultural differences and lack of exposure. Yet, we didn't hid in the corner, we didn't slink away from the light. We fought ignorance and misconceptions.
Herpes crosses all cultural lines and needs the same strength to fight ignorance and misconceptions. We can't do that from the shadows. When you're ready to come out of the shadows, fellow fighters will be with you ????????????.
how did i miss this thread?? i've been active on this forum for well over a year, basically SCREAMING that i'm an over 40 black woman, and where are the other black folks at LOL
anyway, sending love and positive vibes from philly!
i feel you. however i would caution you against assuming all men will react the same way. when i was first diagnosed, i was in a relationship and when i disclosed, i never heard from him again. that made me realize that he wasnt the right person anyway. he had always said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but then wasnt even mature enough to have a grown up conversation to break up with me? gtfoh
i realized right then that having H was an opportunity for me to be much more discerning about who i want to be in a relationship with. plus, i refuse to let this define me. i am just as fabulous with H as I was without it, and YOU ARE TOO!
i truly believe that your attitude dictates your circumstances. once i changed my perspective, then my circumstances followed. every single one of my disclosures has been successful.
i know it's scary, but dont let something this minor (in the scheme of things) stop you from living your life. we all have way too much to be thankful for to not live in joy! ????
your responses are always so amazing to me! I didn't want to reply to every single one, but it is so helpful reading how you've dealt with this diagnosis and how it has not run your life. I'm fairly new--almost two months of being diagnosed--but it's nice to see affirmation that this does not have to be the worst thing to happen to me if I don't allow it.
Everyone chiming in on this forum is so encouraging. The more I read about this virus the less shame or fear I feel because you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't have any strand of this virus. I was just in a bookstore the other day and heard this woman talking on the phone about her shingles (herpesvirus) and how her daughter basically has genital herpes, then I found out mono is a strand of the virus. Basically, if you come into human contact with anyone you will be exposed to some strand of the virus. This stigma sucks a lot but I continue to remind myself that it's not going to kill me and although people don't talk about the strand we have as openly as the other strands I will be all right.
I feel like I go on loooong tangents every time I check in lol, but I'm so overloaded with information now I can't help but 1. be grateful I was not diagnosed with something life-threatening and 2. accept the fact that regardless if I come into contact with someone who believes they're hsv negative (and maybe even be) not dealing with me does not stop them from being exposed to the virus.
Ok, enough of the long messages lol. Thank you ladies soooo much for being on here and sharing your words.
I’ve been reading through this thread and I really feel the positive vibes. I’m a African American male recently diagnosed with genital HSV1 from receiving oral sex. It’s been tough to say the least sense being diagnosed. I never did any research on HSV until I got it. Guess it’s one of those, ignorance is bliss things until you get it. I searched two different forms on HSV, started to think I was the on black person with it. Anyone in Florida?
Black women are the pillars of the world. I love us forreal. Thank you for posting this! Being a black woman with this can feel so alone
I'm glad I found this forum. I'm a black woman and got diagnosed when I was younger. My initial OB was very mild, to the point where the dr thought I was lying about not having a worse OB previously! I had about 3 or 4 OBs after being diagnosed and then it completely disappeared. So for 9 years I had no OB or prodomes. Then I became pregnant and got one sore 2 weeks before my due date! I was freaking out. My dr put me on acyclovir for 2 weeks and it healed up nicely and I was able to have a natural birth with no issues. My child was born healthy. ????
My situation atm is not so rosy however. A few years ago I had an operation I have been having OBs every other month. I've had 2 rounds of antivirals and on both occasions I've got an OB directly after stopping. My dr said if I get another one he'll refer me to a specialist. Ideally I would love if I could go back to the days when I had no OBs!!
I'm trying to make changes to reduce the OBs, I've started taking lysine and stopped snacking on nuts. I put on baby weight over so I'm working on losing that. I also have a pretty stressful job so I'm moving jobs soob. Hopefully that will help. I'm dealing with ongoing pain on the left side of my body, and everyday I wake up it's there and I feel disheartened. I try and remember that it could be much worse and that I have a lovely healthy child when things could have been so different.
Hey H fam ????
Wanted to share some good news with y'all that happened tonight Hopefully for anyone feeling down or questioning about if (and really it's when) dating is possible, the answer is an emphatic yes!
Most you know I dated a H- guy for awhile & ended it recently. After that, I kinda restarted taking to a guy from last year whoo I ended things with tight after I was diagnosed. I didn't tell him why I really ghosted & used school as an easy excuse. Well, since we reconnected, hanging out again, things have been pretty good and he invited to a overnight trip outta town to get my mind off school for a bit.
I figured this was good time to come clean about why I ghosted, my HSV+ status & put everything on the table tonight. To my surprise he was cool with it, actually has personal experience with his first college girlfriend. This is my third positive disclosure to a dating potential & have to say, it definitely get easier the more you do.
I'm soooooooo looking forward to this weekend now that I can't break the physical barrier hehehehehe ????????????
Y’all... I just spent the last hour reading each post from the very beginning of this thread. I am so glad to read stories of black people living with this too! I’m a 24 year old Black woman who was diagnosed with HSV2 in February after unprotected sex with a “booty buddy” throughout the month of December. So many things about this experience have been frustrating. First off, I told my partner about a week or so after I found out. I also told him about the chlamydia he gave me too. Do y’all know this man still hasn’t seen a doctor?? He doesn’t have health insurance, so he’s just ignoring it I guess. Secondly, I feel like I can’t get a doctor to treat me with respect and genuinely hear my concerns. I really think I have HSV2 orally too but no doctor will confirm it because I am not experiencing cold sores. I had what I think was an initial oral outbreak in December before I was officially diagnosed with HSV2 (extreme sore throat, white covered tonsils, fever, exhaustion). I was tested for strep and was negative. I was given antibiotics that did not help at all. About two weeks and it cleared up on its own. Now I have what my doctor says are “canker sores” inside of my cheeks, but I also have small blisters in the back of my mouth. I just have never experienced any of these things until I contracted HSV2. Every doctor I’ve seen immediately tells me that HSV2 typically doesn’t infect orally. I know that, but I am convinced I’m one of the cases that is atypical. I have had two very mild genital outbreaks but that’s been it. I just have a one year old who I’m terrified of passing it along to orally via our day to day interactions.
It’s a blessing to find this thread and I’d love to hear the experiences of people with oshv2.
Hello Everyone:
I’m so glad that I came upon this forum. Recently diagnosed in December 2018 and I have to admit....I’ve been in a funk ever since (although I’m slowly but surely getting back to my normal self) — so much that I’ve started to see a therapist. I’ve constantly blamed myself, felt dirty as if I’m “damaged goods” and pretty much just isolated myself. I appreciate you all sharing your experiences and positive energy as it lets me know that I’m not alone.
I've had an H- partner, didn't use condoms but took antivirals and did not transmit. I'm currently with a new HSV- person and not planning on using condoms. We talked about me going back on suppressive therapy, but so far opted not to as I haven't had any OBs since my first month (almost a year ago).
talk with your doctor. talk with your partner. do what feels right. the founder of this site had a baby last year or so and didn't transmit to his partner. I imagine your OB would be pretty abreast of any changes in your blood work to know whether you have an impeding outbreak pre-labor. They'd put you on meds before you delivered to prevent transmission during labor.
I'm a 34 year old Black woman who was recently diagnosed and I'm so upset and ashamed. I had sex with 2 guys within a 2 month time period and I dont know who it came from or even how to ask. Not only that, I had sex at the beginning of my first outbreak not knowing what it was. I feel horrible knowing that I may have passed it on. I'm upset, ashamed, and embarrassed. I feel like I'll never be accepted or find love.
I hope you are doing better. I really wish the conversation/culture around sex and infections would shift because there's no need to feel shameful for partaking in an act that billions of people participate in. Contracting this super common virus is a risk every time someone engages in sexual activity. The frustrating thing is not being able to tell who it came from and I definitely feel you on not wanting to pass it.
If someone wants to allow stigma & ignorance get in the way of getting to know you, that's their loss. Trust me, you will meet people who will still want to get to know and love you.
I'm almost 5 months in and though it is a tough thing to experience (mostly due to stigma, and there is physical discomfort--wish people wouldn't play that down so much) but from my experience it does get easier.
Wishing you love & light
Sooo... I recently updated my profile on a dating app to include my status. I was wondering if anyone has thoughts about disclosing broadly--do you prefer to just disclose to potential partners or want people to know before moving forward?
Right now I'm more of the mindset I'd rather you just know so I don't have to have this awkward conversation (I've had it twice and I just hate it lol, not that I would never not disclose...I just feel like if I match with someone then they know that detail and we can move on from it).
Still a bit nervous as it seems like I'm the only person, amongst those I know, who even want to disclose and who wants to move forward with meeting people.
Love to hear ya'll thoughts!
Thank you @Sunny720 for starting this very important conversation and to the rest of y’all for keeping it going and sharing your stories! I’ve had hsv2 for about 2 years; although it’s become easier to deal with physically, mentally I break down sometimes. I just keep telling myself that’s there’s so much more to life than sulking over this. For those that are scared to disclose, please don’t be. Easier said than done, but you may be pleasantly surprised at the reaction. I’ve disclosed a handful of times and 9 times out of 10, they’ve been positive. Education and a calm demeanor are the biggest factors that helps it go smoothly. As a lot of you mentioned, people in our community know virtually squat about H, so with us teaching, it’ll smooth a lot of worries over ❤️
Hello H-Fam!!
It's been a hot minute since I posted and was thinking of you all ????????
It'll be a year next month since I was first diagnosed HSV2+ and it's been an amazing year! I haven't had an OB since August or September, dating a wonderful man and finished my first year of grade school with a 3.6 cumulative GPA - woot woot.
I hope for the newly diagnosis, this can bring you a ray of hope and inspiration that life truly does go on post diagnosis. I honestly thought the tag line, "it's not a deal breaker, it's an opportunity" was cheesy AF at first, however, I can honestly say now...I get it.
I'm sure if you haven't already, one day, you will too ????????
For the veterans - keep on pushing and showing us younglings how to thrive (yes thrive, screw just surviving).
Sending you all love and energy!!
Good evening , I just wanted to say I just recently received a diagnosis of HSV-2 and have been utterly devastated ever since . Coming across this forum has been a major sigh of relief. I aspire to be as brave as you all in the future. Right now I’m just in a really low place of disbelief and shock .
I was wondering if insurance covers these antiviral prescriptions and/or if you don’t mind answering, how much are these prescriptions monthly ?
Thank you all for your help.
Good afternoon all,
I recently posted this in an individual thread but came across this one and decided to post it here as well in hopes of gaining some clarity and advice on the situation:
First I’d like to echo the sentiment of what many other people have had to say about this website. It’s literally a God send. Reading everyone’s experiences has helped me a lot but I don’t think I’ve come across a topic that speaks directly to my situation so here goes something.
I’m a black male in my early thirties. Me and my current girlfriend have been together for a little over a year now. We met in grad school and started dating shortly thereafter in October of last year. Prior to getting with her, I’d done my share of sleeping around in my twenties but got tired of “playing the game” and with other people’s emotions. I cheated on my exes, and was quite frankly a shitty boyfriend even when I wasn’t. It felt like I would leave a trail of broken hearts anywhere I’d go. I don’t know if it is my girlfriend, or growth/ maturity as a person but I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t want that for us. So I made a conscious decision to make a change. So I did. And it’s been great...until early January of this year.
In January, I noticed what appeared to be a small bump that grew to be a small cut on the shaft of my penis near the head. Initially, I didn’t pay it much attention because it wasn’t causing me any discomfort and just looked bad. After a week or too, the cut healed and I went about my business as usual. Around the end of March/beginning of April of this year, I noticed the same area of my penis began getting irritated again. This time was different though: it was taking more time for the area to heal and was also accompanied by another “bump” near the other one. I began to worry. Around this same time, my girlfriend complained of a yeast infection that she went and got checked out. Knowing that it was rare, but possible for men to get yeast infections too, I decided to go to the doctor. I also attributed it to rough sex. The doc did a physical examination and said four words I’ll never forget: “it looks like herpes.” My heart dropped. I was shocked, confused, and sad. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why now, of all times and when I’m finally “doing things right” does this happen? I’d been regularly tested in the past and always received a clean bill of health. The doctor did the swab test and sent them to the lab for analysis.
I had to figure out how I was going to tell the woman I love, of my dreams, I have herpes. I still held out hope that I didn’t. I anxiously awaited the results of that test. It felt like the longest two days ever. However, over the course of those two horrible days, I somehow reconciled within myself that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my girlfriend of my potential diagnosis. I irrationally assured myself that by not knowing if I had hsv was for the best and would allow me to stay with the love of my life. So I made the selfish decision of willful ignorance.
Prior to leaving the doctor’s office, I was prescribed 10 day antivirals and a topical ointment. I used both (the ointment sparingly) and haven’t had any major issues since April. I lied and told my girlfriend I went to the doctor and was told I had a yeast infection too so we didn’t have sex for about a week or so. Other than that, we continued to have sex on a regular basis.
About two weeks ago, my girlfriend complained of not wanting to be intimate (highly unusual for her). I asked if everything was ok and she lost it. She told me she had herpes. Everything came full circle. I had those same feelings of shock, confusion and sadness all over again. I asked a lot of questions. She told me she got it in undergrad and has been living with it for several years now. She’s only had one outbreak (this being the second) since we’ve been together and I wasn’t aware of the first one because she went and visited her family for the holidays. She’s only disclosed to two other partners besides me: the guy she was dealing with and an old ex. Other than that she said she didn’t feel the need to disclose to other sexual partners or curtail her sexual exploits because she’d be sure not to be sexually active when she was experiencing an outbreak. To her knowledge, she’s never given hsv to anyone.
I told her I’m “pretty sure” she gave it to me and understood the fine line between wanting to protect your sexual autonomy and disclosing. I also told her I wanna work through this.
Here’s where several conflicts arise. I know EXACTLY how she feels in terms of not wanting to disclose. I literally did the same thing and (at the time) put her health at risk for selfish reasons. I also don’t know if I’m more willing to work through this because I feel genuinely stuck or I truly feel like she’s the one for me. If we’re not supposed to be together, I don’t know how/what my dating life would look like. I think I took more of an issue with her causal dating style after her diagnosis than the actual diagnosis itself. I don’t think I’d be able to do that and it honestly made me view her in a different light. I’ve been asking myself is this my penance for my past transgressions? Do I tell her what really happened at my doctor’s appointment? Does it even matter at this point? I also feel like a hypocrite even being upset in the slightest about all of this, but I feel like I should be more mad at her...but I’m not. I still love her. I guess I’m just, conflicted.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi everyone! Like so many others have said I’m really happy that I stumbled across this thread. I’m a 36yr old woman, 2 teenage kids. I’m currently separated from my husband, for other reasons but we’ve been married 7 years.
Starting from the beginning tho. About 8 months (give or take) before we met. I noticed a small cluster of blisters on the inside of my thigh. I hadn’t been with anyone for atleast 6 months before that but I went to the Dr to figure out what was going on and almost immediately she says “ it looks like herpes” & took swabs to confirm. I lost myself that day! Like most of everyone else I thought my life was over, no one would want me. My emotions were a roller coaster. I told two people I was close too and I’ll admit the conversations went pretty well. In that first week I slowly started to accept this new part of my life and started to think things would actually be ok. However. The Dr calls me and actually says that the test came back NEGATIVE for herpes. Like Again with the freaking roller coaster! I was ecstatic tho. She didn’t know what it was and it was basically healed over at that point so Naturally I just went on about my life. I met my now husband. Fell in love, but I never felt the need to say anything to him cause I mean why, she said negative! I never went back for a follow up to figure out what exactly it was, so never took any specific blood tests. After we decided to be “serious” I did go for my physical, had tests run for STDs. All negative! {{Of course now after reading up I find out most Drs do not run the blood test for Herpes in the standard STD panel or whatever {face palm}} Being honest tho i did have that nagging feeling in the back of my head every now and than.
Fast forward 4 years into our marriage and BOOM! I notice a small cluster of like 3 bumps on my butt one day. They werent blisters but alil painful. But I guess being naive I didn’t think much about it. Than like a year later after a miscarriage, I noticed a small bump high up on my inner thigh. This time just one, again not blistered but painful and my heart dropped. I knew immediately what it was. That world ending feeling came back like a Mac truck.
But how do I tell my husband now. I know it’s not right and I’ve basically acknowledged that I’m a horrible person but I’ve struggled for the past 2 years, he hasn’t had any outbreaks or symptoms. I do feel some relief about that but still my heart and soul is in so much pain right now. I’m really struggling. I know I’m a crappy person. I feel like scum for waiting this long to say something. It’s definitely a constant battle. Like past posts have said the stigma surrounding Herpes makes everything so much harder.
But I disclosed here first. Hoping for some encouraging words cause I plan on telling him this week. We’ve been separated since June due to other reasons but honestly deep down the guilt has just consumed me.
Wow so this group has made me feel so much better. So I guess I’ll tell my story. I am a 20 year old woman and I was diagnosed with hsv2 almost 6 months ago. I got it from my ex boyfriend. We were together for about 6 months and then we broke up for 3. In those three months he slept with a girl at his school, and lied to me when I asked him if he did (funny story about that, when we were broken up, I guess to piss me off being the abusive manipulating monster he is, he randomly sent me a video of him just laying on this girls bare ass... and tried to convince me there was no sex involved... lol!) I’ll be honest, i did meet a great guy while we broke up and slept with him twice. We used condoms and I didn’t have any symptoms with him, and he was a very health conscious person. I didn’t have any symptoms with the new guy, but I had bad symptoms 3 days after sleeping with my ex again. I know I got It from him. He expressed to me many times before how he never used condoms with anyone and he definitely didn’t use them with me. He just slept with girls and got tested after. (Stupid plan, btw) He wasn’t aware that herpes test weren’t apart of the usual std check up. He thought “one blood test tested them all” which I also debunked but he refused to listen to me, refused to go get tested, and continued to blame and ridicule me like I conjured this up in my own vagina all by myself.
I have an amazing gynecologist who I love and appreciate very much. She gave me some sites to research, and referred me to a counselor recently. She also gave me some kind words and sound advice about why I should continue to know my worth and not stay with this guy who clearly did not care about his own health let alone mine. She really helped me feel like a person again. She gave me the strength to leave that guy. I think I have gotten passed the feeling like a hoe stage of having herpes. I’m very impatient with my depression so I try to move on quickly. Fast forward 5 months later and I’m happy with myself. I like being single and guys aren’t even attractive to me right now, except for one.
A week ago I met a guy who really wants to take me out. He followed me on Instagram back in July, even dm’d me but at the time I just didn’t entertain It. This week, he dm’d me again and I took another look, decided that I thought he was attractive and responded. This whole week we’ve been getting to know each other day and night and he’s very nice, extremely hilarious and his personality is even more attractive than his face. I get that it’s only been a week, and I don’t know him that well but the parts i do know intrigued me enough to agree to a date. We’re going on a date tonight. Dinner on a blanket and a walk in the park. Which I think would be the cutest first date.
look, I know I’m a bomb ass girlfriend. I know I can make someone very happy. I know people my age aren’t usually ready to settle, and that’s why I’m afraid to disclose. But i also refuse to be the person who doesn’t. I know how bad it sucks to get herpes from someone you trusted. I’m not totally ready to be together forever with anyone either, but I still want healthy long lasting relationships, which feels totally impossible at my age in my community. I feel like this guy really likes me, the vibe is great. And as great as he thinks I am, I feel like this is going to completely damage his view of me. I know, it’s only been a week, but I’m more so thinking about the future too, if this doesn’t work out. When do I tell him, or any new person in general? Is the first date safe because It avoids heartbreak, or is it tapping out too quickly? I worry that if i wait too long, I’ll hurt him when I have to tell him, but if I tell him, or anyone, on the first date then I am giving him reason to run, I mean there’s nothing keeping him with me If I tell him now, even if he really does like me.
Im on suppressive therapy, I actually just started when i realized I wanted to date again. (I’ve had 3 outbreaks so far that weren’t that bad. I mostly just think taking the pills daily will make disclosing easier) I go to the gym, and I’m conscious about my health, i basically live in all my doctors offices. It’s truly healthier to date me than people not conscious of their health... but i digress. I want to date and get married and have my own children one day, I’m not ready to let go of this dream. But I feel like I do have to let It go because how can I expect someone my age, or at any age really, to take that risk with me? I certainly don’t think I would’ve taken this risk a year ago, ESPECIALLY if I didn’t know the person that well. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but how do i convince people that i am not the plague, they will not die, and I’m still the person they liked when they first started talking to me. This got really long so I’ll stop here lol but thanks for any support! I appreciate It a lot!
I am a new member of this forum, but I have been reading posts for quite a while. and posts really helped me alot during dark moments! I was diagnosed with GHSV1 in December 2018. My Giver was my ex-boyfriend. He was 13 years my senior (I'm 25) and when I told him, his response was, "yeah, I used to get cold sores when I was younger, but I've never had a woman tell me they got anything from me." He then avoided accepting any responsibility stating, you could have got this from anybody, you can't say it was me. Even though he told me that he still loved and wanted to be intimate with me, my trust in him had been broken. He never empathized with me and distanced himself from me initially, stating that, he was hurt, because I blamed him for transmitting the virus to me. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship, but I stayed sexually involved with him until June of 2019. In the beginning I felt completely lost. I couldn't connect with who I was at all, and even had some fleeting thoughts that death would be better than having to ever tell anyone about this. I ultimately reached out to a friend who I knew had GHSV2, and she was a huge support. I told a guy I had previously dated and had remained friends with. He was coming on to me, as he usually does, and I just blurted out, "have you ever had a cold sore...well I have, on my genital area." He asked questions, hugged me, but I felt his energy change. I guess subconsciously I wanted to test if a man could still find me attractive despite this. In that moment I felt no one would accept me except someone who had it, hence the reason for continuing a sexual relationship with my Giver. Though I look back and realize how unhealthy of a choice it was mentally and emotionally to remain with him, I do recognize that his desire for me helped me to remember how sexy and desirable I still am. Regaining that confidence helped to clear my haze I was to remember everything I truly have to offer. I am an attractive, educated, and independent black woman. I love myself wholeheartedly and I am worthy of love. This diagnosis has served as an unfortunate wake up call to choose and invest in only those who will treat me accordingly.
With all that said, I still have moments of sadness that come over me in overwhelming waves. It truly is a day by day process. As I am beginning to desire dating and sex more, the reality that I will have to disclose becomes more real, and it just makes me cry sometimes. Like the big ugly cry, like the "WHY ME!" cry. But then I say, "oh well, fuck it," and I wipe those little self-pity tears away.
When it gets tough, and I say to myself, "Yes, Bri, you have GHSV1, but that is not who you are." You only live once and my life is far from done. There is so much more love and life for me out there, and I just have to break through this fear that I am honestly probably just making worse in my own head.
Any words of kindness and support are welcomed! I also love reading stories about how other's cope with their diagnosis and disclose while dating!
Sending positive vibes!
I'm 23, an African-American female. I got my official diagnosis today and I want to smash my car into a wall. Happy Tuesday!
It’s tough coming to grips with this. But let these thoughts be fleeting. In time it will become just another nuisance. There is still beauty and love in life even though it’s dark right now. I have always been passionate about taking care of my own mental health, but when I got this diagnosis I had a thought that death would be better than to live with this. All in all it’s a just a skin condition. Reach out if you need!
Hello all,
My brother needs a kidney. He has been on dialysis for several years and unfortunately he has not received a kidney while on the transplant list. I have decided that I am interested in possibly being a living donor. I’m scared that i wouldn’t be a viable candidate due to my HSV 2 diagnosis. Does anyone know anything about this subject? Also I have been so anxious about getting Blood work done? What they find something else wrong with me? I was so worked up that I bought an at home HIV test from Walgreens last night. It was negative but I’ve been up all night thinking about what my next blood panel would reveal. I have no one to talk about this to. No one in my family besides my mom knows. She is not easy to talk to at all.
I needed this ... im learning how to cope if it wasn’t for my son I’d be severely depressed and would’ve isolated myself.,, i’d Feel like people are talking about me or saying I’m dirty .. a lot of young people are uneducated and immature about the topic . Facing the embarrassment Is the worst part next to rejection .
Hey ladies I found this forum and thread during my endless search on how to go about disclosing to a partner my status.
I was diagnosed about 7 years ago, late twenties, AA female living in Atlanta.
Responding to some of the things I’ve seen asked or mentioned.
- I don’t have frequent OB’s
- I feel like I’ve had one major episode years ago but if I recall when I went to my obgyn she said it wasn’t a outbreak but couldn’t really say what it was. All I remember is it was painful and took about 2 months to really clear up.
- Not currently taking any medication
- I took suppressants daily when first diagnosed. My obgyn at the time didn’t hesitate on the prescription. However recent years when I’ve asked they only want to give me meds if I’m having a current OB and it would be a 7 day supply.
- I get waxed on a regular basis and it doesn’t result in OB’s. I exfoliate(need to be more consistent) and use tend/skin & witch hazel to avoid ingrown hairs and irritation.
- I’m a vegetarian and try to eat as clean as possible (work in progress)
- I fall off from time to time but for vitamins I take multi, evening primrose, burdock root
2 weeks ago I did disclose to my partner and it was probably the most nerve wrecking thing I’ve ever had to do. I told him via text and his response was “wow”. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him again. A few hours later he wanted to know more, had questions and I answered. He said he needed to think about it and again I wasn’t sure what to expect from him. Fast forward and we’re still communicating as we were before.
While I’m not sure what will happen with us. I’m glad I told him because it lifted a huge weight and makes it easier to disclose in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t side eye his reaction and start wondering if he had his own skeletons but we can’t predict how a person will feel and respond. Maybe getting to know one another and building the interest played a role.
I could go on & on about this but I’m glad I found this thread because it most definitely made me feel less alone in living with this.
Hi all . It’s been a while since I posted back last summer but I just wanted to give an update :
I am in a much much better space and I can truly say opening my bible to read and understand how God views me and how He intended for me to think about myself has truly helped. I had to devote EVERY SINGLE DAY to changing my mindset and the thoughts going through my mind ! If you’d like any devotional options or messages that really helped me I’d be glad to share !
also had my FIRST disclosure two days ago and I literally almost threw up before i sent a text (Couldn’t bring myself to do it face to face because I’m way too emotional). To my amazement it actually went well. He told me that he appreciated me telling him and how he had dealt with other females in the past with HSV-2 and was ACTUALLY able to give me some pointers he learned from them. Not sure where this will lead but wanted to share that disclosures won’t ALWAYS be an unpleasant experience. I’m just glad my first one went smoothly so now I would be more inclined to do it again if need be just off of this experience. Hope this helps someone ♥️
Hi everyone! I’m a 24yr old AA female living in North Carolina. I was just diagnosed yesterday and am still in shock. I cried all day afraid of the life I’ll have to live with now. I didn’t have the “typical” first outbreak. In fact, it was so mild I didn’t realize anything too serious was going on. I’m not sure how long I’ve had this but I have to disclose to my boyfriend soon and I’m afraid of rejection. There’s so much stigma around this and I guess that’s fueling my fear. Any advice??
Hi everyone! I wanted to update with a disclosure story and maybe it’ll help someone who’ll see this one day too! I recently found out my status and it crushed me. The first night I told my boyfriend he was shocked as well but super supportive. He held me while I cried and reassured that he still wanted this relationship and a future with me. He promptly got tested and we are awaiting his results. I told him there was a chance I could have had this a while and he could totally not have it while telling him all about suppression therapy and statistics. He doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t see me any differently. And told me that even if he doesn’t have it, that’s not something he’s too worried about because I was worth any risk. I think I may love him more now than I did before. He’s my best friend but I know the stigma and fear associated with this. Gratefully, if this is my first true OB it was super mild and I only thought I had BV (which I do have that too apparently??) but he has held my hand through it all and I’m determined not to let this define me. Hopeful for the future and that I’ll have the same courage to tell my best friend one day too. I also wanna change my name from confused and depressed because only positive affirmations belong in my life! (I’m not sure how yet though lol?)
Hi @Confusedanddepressed,
Well, this video is right up your alley!
https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy
What this is all about is shifting your perspective about how you relate to herpes. To be in relationship with your partner with the desire to keep them safe because you care. Then it becomes less that herpes is a brick wall that stands in the way of intimacy and more that it becomes a doorway into vulnerability and deeper trust with your partner.
You can even turn having an outbreak into an intimacy game: "Babe, I'm having an outbreak and I want to keep you safe, but I'd love to still explore and have some fun with you. How would you feel about enjoying each other, but the underwear region is off limits?" Say this while feeling in touch with your desire and vulnerability. You'll be amazed at how different an interaction this can lead to instead of letting shame take the wheel!
(In fact, I always used to call my outbreaks my "man periods" to make a little joke out of it and get the point across. It was more of a connecting playful thing than a disconnection.)
Hi All!
I have recently returned to the forums. I had been living a pretty typical life and was comfortable disclosing when needed but I've had a setback after being ghosted after disclosing, so I'm trying to regain my confidence and heal from the rejection. I was glad to have seen a thread that was so focused and to which I could relate. I hope it's able to continue because I'd like to connect with with other black women who have felt like they were on an island with this, despite the facts of how common it is. No one in my circle has acknowledged this but me. I have had GHSV1 for 12 years and contracted it from my husband on our honeymoon night. I stayed in the marriage longer than I should have because I was ashamed and felt I would never find someone to appreciate or love me like I wanted. I still haven't found this person after 3 years but I have been close, and I want to heal from this so I can continue the dating journey without this dark cloud over me. Anyway, hope to connect with some of you!
LivingBeyond
Hello I literally just read this entire thread and honestly this made me feel so much better. I’m 18 diagnosed with ghsv1. I got diagnosed when I was 16 my first bf gave it to me along with another Std. Sucked super hard finding out he was cheating on me and having herpes. Imagine losing your v-card and gaining two Std at 16. But now I’m doing better. I see a therapist ever since then which totally helped. I’m in college now and getting my degree in radiology. I’m now going through my second outbreak that got triggered because I recently got diagnosed with a uti. I don’t drink enough water and I had one once as a child so I’m prone to them along with yeast infection ????????♀️. But any information, tips or tricks are greatly appreciated.
Hey. Just checking in with everyone. I have been using condoms with any guy I start seeing. I am so afraid to disclose because I’m just not sure if they can handle it. As I’ve found, if I continue to use condoms ( which I’ve always done 85 percent of the time so still confused as to how I wound up in this situation) and only have sex when I do not have any flare ups + taking valtrex I feel as if they will be fine. I also feel like until I know a man can really love me unconditionally is when I would be able to tell. I’m 10 months in since being diagnosed and my emotions are still all over the place. Some days I feel optimistic and hopeful. Other days not so much. Lord I miss when I didn’t live like this; constantly looking down below with a mirror or loathing to use the restroom. I dread going on dates sometimes and even when stds are talked about it’s just that herpes is so stigmatized it makes me want to cry. I would never want to give this to anyone because of the emotional and physical suffering but also I am scared to tell for fear of judgement. It’s hurts me so much. ????
Being a black woman is hard enough fighting racism and misogyny at certain points. I’m 28 so I am trying to keep faith that life will go on and I will be able to start a family. I am just so embarrassed by this. I would have rather wrecked my car or broken a leg. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.
Hello!
I am so sorry that you are struggling. Please know that your feelings are valid and normal.
There are stages of healing that happen differently for everyone. Some people are angry, then sad, then shameful, then apathetic... then finally, there is radical acceptance and unconditional self-love ❤️. Some people skip stages, some people feel all of them and everyone comes differently with emotions. However, find healthy ways to cope. Whether it's meditating, tapping, prayer, or exercise. Set aside time for you to release your anxieties and stress. It's okay to cry or be upset! Just remember that you deserve to heal and be happy, and that HSV does not have power unless we give it power. HSV is fueled by socially constructed stigma, and we have the power to break that stigma, every day by holding our heads high and loving ourselves! Love is stronger than anything life throws at us.
I am a 22 year old white female, so I can empathize with being in your twenties and being a woman, but I don't know what it is like to be a woman of color with HSV, however others on the forum have mentioned similar struggles of intersectionality of being black and having HSV.
You are a warrior! You are strong and can get through this.
Please know you are not alone in your struggles. Things will be okay. We are all here for you!
Sending prayers of happiness your way ????????,
Grace
you're right, it can be difficult listening to the others' perspectives on h. If you're concerned a person won't like you once they find out, chances are they aren't worth your energy in the first place. I've had to remind myself of that a few times bc it's not like we walk around with an impenetrable shell on, so I get how it can hurt. Life definitely does go on and you can still enjoy it fully and have those things you want in life. Glad you found this forum so you know you're not alone in your experience. I was diagnosed as a 27 year old black woman and was married at the time. I'm since divorced & now in a relationship but have had many ups and downs over the years. Support helps. H is one more thing you have to carry, but at least you know you have at least some people who can relate and welcome your discussion of your experience.
I just want to jump in as a white female who was given H at age 23 and I'm 63 now. You are all wonderful people who have a ton to offer!!! Hold your head high and own the notion that you are wonderful human beings. I promise someone will come along and not give a rats about your H status! It will happen. My late husband of 25 years (26 all together) didn't give H two thoughts as he was so in love with me. He never acquired herpes from me as we were very careful. I never felt it necessary to tell anyone I wasn't sleeping with about my status. I disclosed a lot In my days leading up to marriage as there was no choice. No online dating and no computers! You just disclosed and went on. Most men just asked me to educate them. I've had an absolute amazing life and I don't expect that to change now. I'm in excellent shape via weight training, I'm intelligent, out going own a farm and retired early. I have a lot to offer and I'm worth someone's time!!! I'm equally as happy on my own as well.
Hello everyone. Just wanted to tap in. I am GHSV2. I’ve been using femiclear which is a very strong ointment to help heal faster during outbreaks. It may burn a little when applying it but it does work. In addition, there is a black owned vaginal care company named shopmymyaat on Instagram. The vaginal spray and balm has helped as well. I am looking for more into holistic care and only use acyclovir as my last resort during flare ups. Vagisil itch cream numbs and soothes too. I have switch between various products at times for the best results. As time goes on my flare ups are not as severe as they were in the beginning. Doctor did say 12-18 months is the time it takes the body to fight back. I take vitamins and try to get plenty of rest. I love you all queens. Stay strong.
Hello all!
I see this hasn't been too active lately. We'll you know why I came (my Marshawn Lynch voice) lol I'm looking for a community within our own. I'm a 35yr old female, I'm newly diagnosed over a month now. Still handling it. But what I want to know is there any support groups that gather just to hangout near me (Bama) I'm cool with traveling too. I heard there was HSV traveling group somewhere out there anyone know about this? Again I only joined this community to seek out more of us.
Any feedback will be helpful.
UPWARD AND ONWARD
